Gatefather (14 page)

And then they weren't. Far faster than they could possibly have covered the actual distance, they were now approaching another world with trillions, quintillions of kas. More than the total number of people who had ever lived on Mittlegard and Westil combined. More than the total number of animals and plants. Enough to populate the worlds through all their history ten times over.

He had no idea how he knew this. He could not identify or label or count any other ka besides his own and Pat's. And yet he knew how many they were, a number for which he truly had no name. A number that could represent all the particles of any kind or size in the universe, and still have more left over. Yet because kas, like geometric points, had no dimension, there was room enough for them all on this world. On Duat.

He could not see the world. He could not tell where life left off and rock began. Could it be a gas giant? Could Duat be the surface of a star? Unable to see, to sense heat or cold, to feel pain or even the hardness of a rock, Danny could sense only the life around him.

He made sure his grasp on Pat remained firm, because he feared that if he ever lost his hold on her he would lose her in the chaos of this place.

Not chaos. There was no chaos here. There was perfect order. A place for every ka, and every ka in its place.

How did he know that?

Without words, a powerful ka unfolded to him the answer: You knew because I gave you the knowledge. I put the wisdom into you, and now you have it as if you thought of it yourself.

Though he understood this, he did not “hear” it. There was nothing sequential about it, nothing like the orderly flow of language, one word after another. Instead, the knowledge wasn't there, and then it was.

Who are you? Or at least it was Danny's intention to ask that question.

I am I.

Or maybe it was, I'm myself. Or “me.” Or “this one.” There were no words, but Danny caught the idea of the deep self-understanding of the being who was talking to him. Danny had no such understanding of himself. By comparison to the depth of his guide's self-knowledge, Danny was trivial, a bit of dust on a breeze, a grain of sand being churned in the belly of a wave.

Except that because he was talking to This One, Danny was
not
wave-churned or windblown. He was very still. And tucked beside him, inside him, was Pat. He was also aware of her.

Who is that? asked This One.

Pat, Danny answered. Only there was no
word
Pat. Instead, his answer was to convey at once all that he knew of Pat, all he remembered, all they had meant to each other, the plan that Pat had come up with and acted on, the murder in the doorway of his house, done by Danny's own hand but not by his will.

You did not want her dead? asked This One.

I want to be alive with her, answered Danny, and there flowed from him all that he hoped for out of life, the companionship of marriage and family, children to raise, friends and work and learning and making, all the things that have value in a mortal human life.

Yes, said This One. That's why we sent you there.

I did not want Pat to die, Danny tried to explain. And yet she chose to come where death was waiting, and when Set killed her I stood by and let her die even though I could have healed her, so I consented to her death so she could bring me here. And she consented to her death because when I healed her body she could have leapt back into it and she didn't. She is here by her own choice.

And yet you hold her prisoner, answered This One.

I enclose her because otherwise I would not know where she was.

You would know, said This One.

In that moment Danny knew that whatever This One told him, it had to be true; that in the telling of it This One
made
it true.

So Danny let Pat go.

The moment he did, Pat seemed to grow, to explode until her presence with him was almost overwhelming. It was not that she was greater or larger or brighter or louder—words that meant nothing here—but that she was vastly present to him. When he had held on to her, her ka seemed elusive and faint; now, set free of him, she was so powerfully focused on him that she seemed to fill half the space around him. By the intensity of her devotion to him, she made him greater than he had been.

And this was not just some illusion. The other nearby kas sensed it too, and turned to him. Not a physical turning, but a focusing of their attention, and he grew and glowed brighter and became warmer and saw farther and understood more because of the brightness of their attention. But brightest of all, Pat.

Something like amusement from This One.

No. Pat was not the brightest of them all. She was only the brightest of those close by who were not This One. This One's attention to him was like the ocean compared with the single raindrop of Pat's attention. And the perception of all the others was like flecks of mist compared to her.

That is love, said This One.

Pat loves me, I knew that, but why do
you
love me? And these others, whom I do not know, how can they love me?

Because they saw you let go of Pat and set her free. They saw that you did it because you trusted my promise that you would know her even if you no longer held her. For those two things they love you, and because of their love you are larger than you were. And Pat is larger because she willingly died for you. For that love they are in awe of her.

We don't want to be dead, said Danny, and he understood that Pat was explaining the same thing in her own way at the same time.

There are many here who did not wish to be dead. But here they are, content for the time being, content to be with me.

Are you God? asked Danny.

A being who makes others obey him against their will? Never. A creator out of nothingness? It cannot be. The absolute ruler of heaven and earth? No such, or if there is, I do not know it.

Then who are you?

Is that what you came here for? To know me?

I don't know. I came here to find out what I need to know in order to keep Set from overmastering two worlds and ruling with cruelty for ten thousand, a hundred thousand years. Forever.

In this place you will never learn how to force another to bend to your will against his own inclination. Have you learned nothing of power?

Danny thought of all the teaching of the Mithermages: To gain power from trees, you must love the trees: Pay them attention, serve their needs, protect them from their enemies. As you show your love for them, they give you whatever power they can share with you, because they trust you to act in their interest. Then the eagle lets you ride inside him, and follows your wishes as if they were commands, because his life means more obeying you than it ever did in his solitary freedom. But if you betray that trust, then you are worse off than those who have no influence with plants or eagles, rock or rain.

All this memory flowed into Danny's mind, and This One assented to the memory. This One seemed to say, I'm glad they have kept that much understanding: that power comes from willing obedience, and willing obedience flows from trust and love.

But they love only the thing they serve as mages, Danny answered. They love nothing else, and harm many against their will.

All of them? asked This One.

And Danny suddenly understood that by his testimony he was causing This One to judge all the Mithermages. And so he immediately remembered those he knew who never used their power to harm others. Marion and Leslie. Veevee. Stone. And for all Danny knew, countless others among the Families and the Orphans. Even inside the North Family, there were Uncle Mook and Aunt Lummy.

And Thor and Mother and Father meant well—Danny could see that now, and understood that when his parents came to see him that day at Parry McCluer, they weren't seeking some advantage as he had feared, but rather they truly loved him, attended to him, wanted to serve his happiness, wanted his love and trust in return.

This One answered him: I see that many do harm, and mean to. And many do harm without meaning to. And many do good without meaning to. And many do good by deliberate action, and at great cost to themselves, and act with courage and strength to serve the happiness of others. Yet you do not love them.

I fear them, replied Danny honestly.

That is wise yet childish of you, answered This One. You fear that you cannot trust their love, so you do not trust their love, and thus you can never know if you can trust their love. Your fear protects you from harm, yet it exposes you to the pain and terror of loneliness, so it harms you through another door. Why do you think that you, of all the ones who come home to Duat, should return to Mittlegard?

Not me, not for my own sake. Not Pat either, not for her own sake and not for mine. I'm here to learn how to free myself from Set or to overpower him so he cannot harm another or acquire the power to rule the worlds.

He cannot rule here, because no one rules here.

Not you? asked Danny.

Those who do as I ask of them, do it because they see my purpose and they want my plans to come to fruition. That's why they joined me in assembling the worlds you live on, and growing the lives of both worlds, and sending so many of my friends to dwell there and learn to live in the body, with all its walls and powers.

You compel nobody, Danny echoed.

Nobody ever compels anybody, said This One. It cannot be done. You can hurt them in the body or damage them in the soul, but only they can choose what to do about it. But look now, Danny North. I already knew you and understood your worth, because when I sent you to be born on Mittlegard, a billion others chose to follow you into your body and become a part of your very self, and give you the power that is in them. They are what you call your gates. Because you gave your own following to the one called Wad, he now has great power; but the moment you call them back to you, all that you ever had will be yours, because they want to do your will.

My gates are really not a part of me?

They are part of you. The part of you that is able to travel through enormous distances in moments. Every ka and every ba possesses simple power to move from here to there, and there to here. That power of movement is harnessed and put to work to make things like gravity and engines, light and wind. But left to themselves, how can they discover where “here” is? Someone needs to establish the baseline, so that all the particles can organize themselves and form worlds and atmospheres, landforms and climate zones, fish and animals and birds. All of these are made from molecules, which are made from atoms, which are made from particles ever smaller, and smaller yet. But ultimately the building block of everything is the thing you call
ka
, but which in other places and times has been spoken of as
pret
. Prets are the ones who wait, doing their duty to
me
all the while. Always ready to obey as soon as they know what law applies to them.

They are drawn to love and power. They were drawn to you. The millions of gates in your hoard are those who loved, admired, and followed you, to be a part of you, perfectly obedient even when you imagine you can give them away. They went with you the way the Sutahites went with Set.

I don't want to be like Set, answered Danny.

Then don't be, said This One.

Tell me what to do, and I will go back and do it.

You know what to do.

Danny North hated enigmatic answers. They smacked of trickery to him, and he didn't want to try to outthink someone who was obviously much wiser and better informed than he.

Without answering, his thoughts became his answer.

I am not tricking you, said This One. I simply cannot choose for you. Nor can I tell you how to do what has never been done.

You can't tell me … because you don't know?

There is a law that keeps you here, once you come. If I make an exception to that law, it will not be to serve myself or to indulge some mortal's whims. All the laws exist to protect and promote the happiness of all. If I give you a plan and send you back, then you will be acting as my tool in Mittlegard, and your acts will be my acts. I will not do that, because the good order of Duat and of all the worlds depends on my never doing that. You and all the others must be free to choose. I offer. I teach. But I do not manipulate. I do not force. I do not rule.

I think the world would be a better place if you did.

The worlds of men and women are free to obey me whenever they choose. Meanwhile, they're also free to obey and disobey each other.

I am not free to disobey Set.

Then how are you here? He did not want you to come.

He ruled my body. It obeyed him, not me.

Your body never obeyed anyone but you.

Danny hated this thought the moment he grasped it; but he also knew that if This One said it, it had be true, even if only in a way that Danny did not understand.

In all the weeks that Set had ruled over his body, controlling his speech, his actions, was Danny North somehow doing what Set commanded?

Why didn't my body do my will? Set blocked me every time.

Set blocked
you
. Not your body.

Danny tried to remember what it felt like, to attempt something and be blocked by Set. He would will his body to do something, like move an arm or say a word, and then he was blocked. Wasn't that Set controlling his body?

No.

So it was Set between his will and his body. It was Set blocking his desires.

Still wrong, but less wrong.

It was Set telling him that he did not want what he had thought he wanted. It was Set contradicting him, and then Danny himself backed down.

Why did I do that? demanded Danny.

Why did you do that? answered This One.

I was afraid.

What were you afraid of?

Danny tried to remember. Tried to analyze it.

Then Pat spoke—or rather, had an idea and pushed it into the dialectic: You were afraid your body would not obey and so you countermanded your own command.