Glass Hearts (5 page)

For a short time, I forgot everything that was going on around me and could just live in the moment. However, living in the moment wasn’t all that great because it was spent hanging out in party houses and abandoned buildings, waiting for my next fix. My way for forgetting all the bad made everything worse. I’ve worked hard to escape that life and move on. I already did enough damage, though, and I’ve done some things I can never take back. If I’d never started down that path, I don’t think Nolan would have either. The guilt consumes me, but Nolan is the only one who can make changes in his life at this point. There are some things I just can’t do for him.

When Nolan called this morning and asked to meet with me, I was hesitant. I hadn’t spoken with him since dinner at my mother’s house when he made a complete fool of himself in front of Alex. I hate what the kid is doing with his life, but I can’t turn my back on him. I also don’t want Alex to have to be around him because I never know what kind of mood he’ll be in, or what he’ll say. Lying to the woman who just walked back into my life a week ago is probably not the smartest thing to do, but meeting with him and not telling her about it seems like the lesser of two evils.

Luck is on my side today, though. Alex has an interview at a clothing boutique not far from our apartment, so I’m meeting Nolan at the studio. He was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, and I’m getting anxious because I want to get back to the apartment before Alex does. I don’t want to lie about where I was if she returns before me.

I’m ready to give up when the buzzer goes off, alerting me that someone is at the door. “Yes,” I yell, pressing the speaker button.

“It’s me.” Fuck, he doesn’t sound good. His usual arrogance has been replaced with a somber tone.

“Come up.”

I pace back and forth while I wait for him. My mind is racing with all the reasons he could possibly want to meet with me, and why he would sound the way he does. As soon as the door opens, I study the boy who walks through it. He’s thinner than the last time I saw him, and his eyes are sunken in. He looks sick, but I know better. “What’s up? You don’t look so good, man.”

“Yeah, I’m in deep this time. Fucking Chaps gave me some product, and now the product is gone, but I don’t have any money to give him,” Nolan says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“How many times have I told you not to fuck with Chaps? Damn it, Nolan. How the fuck do you expect to get out of this one?” This is bad. I used to deal with Chaps back in the day. Even on my wildest day, I would’ve never gone against Chaps; it was a death wish if anyone did.

“I need your help. Please, I don’t want this anymore. I’m done with it. I’m sick of all this bullshit. I can’t even go back to my own apartment right now.” My little brother who usually acts so tough is on the verge of crying. His forehead is wrinkled, and there is a slight tremble to his chin. I can tell he’s not high right now. In fact, he’s showing symptoms of withdrawals.

“How sick of the bullshit are you?” I ask, trying to get him to look me in the eyes. It’s hard for me to trust anyone, but trusting an addict is near impossible. I know he would say almost anything to get me to help him out of this mess.

“Are you going to help me, or not?” he asks, studying my face.

“I can help you with Chaps, but you have to agree to get help for yourself.”

“What do you mean by help?” he asks, hesitantly.

“Rehab.”

I watch as he opens and closes his mouth, unable to come up with the words that I’m waiting to hear. He leans his back against the wall, resting his head against it to stare up at the ceiling. “Dane, I can’t right now. I have to pay rent and I’m really close to getting a job at the pier. I can quit without rehab. I know I can,” he says as he slides down the wall to the floor. I remember thinking that myself once. There are some things that just can’t be done without help; getting off drugs is one of them.

His elbows are resting on his knees, and his forehead in his palms as I move to sit on the floor next to him. I’ve been in this same place before. Lost. Helpless. Vulnerable. It’s a hard place to escape from, and not everyone is able to do it. Some days I want to give up on Nolan, like the night we had dinner with Alex, but today I see myself when I look at him. I had no one when I started to dig out of my hole, but I could be his someone.

“You can’t do this yourself. You need to get away from here and all the things that got you to where you are now,” I whisper. I can see his hands shaking and I know, more than anyone that he’s in pain right now.

“I can’t. I just can’t,” he cries.

“You live in a shitty apartment with a bunch of other addicts. You have no job, and I bet you all the money I have in my name right now that your so-called friends wouldn’t have your back when you need them the most. I do, and I’m telling you, this is the time.”

Silence overtakes the room for several minutes. I don’t press him further because I can see the wheels turning in his head. He’s close to his bottom. He’s losing his resolve, and I can feel it.

He takes a deep breath. “Can I stay at your place tonight? If you let me stay, I promise I’ll think about it. I just can’t go back to my place tonight.”

Fuck. I’m not sure what Alex will think about this, but I can’t really let him go while I have him thinking about getting help. I need to keep him in my sight. If he doesn’t get help he’s gone, but I want to give it a chance. “One night and then you need to make a decision. You’re either going to rehab, or you’re out. If you agree to go to rehab, I’ll bail you out with Chaps.”

“Okay, I got it. Just give me some time to think, okay?” He finally stands from his place on the floor and begins to pace back and forth across the room. I want to take him home and make sure he gets something in his stomach, but I also know he’s going to get really sick if he doesn’t have a fix tonight.

“You have one night. By the way, Alex is living with me now, so if you even think about starting anything while she is around, you’re out. Got it?” I don’t want him to think he’s not important, but Alex doesn’t deserve to be around him when he’s being an ass. He’s my brother, and I love him, but he’s also an addict who becomes a stranger when he’s high.

“I’ll be on my best behavior,” he says as sweat rolls down his forehead. His face is pale, and I can tell he’s not far from losing anything he may have in his stomach. Once you get addicted to the drugs, getting high is as much about avoiding withdrawals as it is about forgetting the pain.

“When was the last time you slept?” I ask.

“I slept for a little bit yesterday morning,” he says, wiping his face on the front of his t-shirt. “I need something tonight. I can’t make it until morning. Can I borrow some money? Please.”

I hesitate. I know I shouldn’t give him anything, but I know he’s going to get it whether I do, or I don’t. He just needs to get through the night, and then hopefully I can get him the help he needs. But in the end, I decide I can’t be the one to give him the money. My conscious won’t let me.

“Do what you need to do and meet me at my place in an hour. If you’re not there in an hour, you’re not staying. Just don’t bring that shit into my apartment.” I don’t need that stuff around Alex, and after what happened the night she broke up with me, I don’t need to be around it either.

He shakes his head and leaves. There’s no guarantee that he’ll show up at my apartment; we both know that. I quickly turn off everything in the studio and head back to the apartment to talk to Alex before Nolan arrives.

I decide to stop at the deli on the way and grab a couple sandwiches for dinner. It’s been a long day, and all I want to do is eat and lie in bed with Alex for the night. Tomorrow is going to be another long day if I have to try to convince my little brother to enter rehab.

As soon as I walk into the apartment, I see Alex cuddled up on the couch with a small pint of ice cream and a sad look in her eyes. She obviously didn’t get the job.

“Hey, baby, what’s the matter?” I ask as I bend down in front of her. She smiles weakly, but it’s clearly forced.

“I didn’t get the job,” she says, letting the tears roll down her cheeks. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from smiling. It’s not funny, but I think I’m witnessing my first Alex meltdown and it’s kind of cute.

I rest my hands on her knees. “It’s your first interview. Do you know how many jobs I haven’t gotten? I lost track a long time ago.”

“I needed that job,” she sniffles. And just like that it all comes to me. For the first time ever, Alex is on her own financially. She’s living in the world I’m familiar with, but without a job. My heart drops. I know exactly what that feels like.

I move to sit next to her on the couch, pulling her onto my lap. “You’re going to be fine. You don’t have to worry about rent or food, and I can help you out for a little while.”

“I can’t do that,” she says, shaking her head.

“Yes you can. I want to take care of you. Let me,” I say, pulling her a little closer and smelling the familiar apple scent in her hair. There’s something about taking care of a woman that just makes a man feel more like a man. She’s done so much for me already; she just doesn’t realize it.

She doesn’t have time to reply before the buzzer sounds. Nolan. I completely forgot about Nolan. “Are you going to get that?” she asks. Crap. I say a silent prayer as I head toward the door to buzz Nolan up. Alex had a shitty day, but Nolan needs me too.

“Did you even ask who it is?” This is a valid question. We live in fucking New York City, and you don’t just buzz people up to your apartment without asking who it is first.

“I know who it is,” I say, looking up in her direction. Her brows are furrowed and she looks worried. It’s time to let the surprise out of the bag. “Nolan is staying here tonight.”

I can see panic written all over her face. “Okay.” That’s all she gets out before there’s a knock at the door.

I walk toward her and cup her face in my hands. “I already told him to be on his best behavior. If he isn’t, I’ll tell him to leave. He’s got some stuff going on right now, and I’m hoping he decides to get help.” She nods and I plant a quick kiss on those pretty pink lips before heading back toward the door. God, please let this night go smoothly.

As soon as Nolan walks through the door, I can tell he got his hands on something to take the edge off. I know he needs it, but it means his attitude more than likely came with him. He doesn’t even look in my direction, but instead heads straight toward Alex. I can see her eyes grow larger as he moves closer.

He wastes no time sitting next to her, grabbing the ice cream container and spoon right out of her hands.

“I was eating that,” she says hesitantly, looking up toward me.

“Was being the key word there,” Nolan laughs, placing the spoon in his mouth. “Dane, I think I just swapped spit with your girl,” he says, looking up at me. Alex’s eyes are also on me, silently begging me to get the ice cream back, or maybe to take her far away from here. I’m staring at two people who I care about very much and I feel caught in the middle of my old and new life.

“Alex, can I talk to you in the bedroom for a minute?” I ask, nodding toward the bedroom door.

“Yeah,” she says, stomping off toward the bedroom with her arms crossed over her chest. It’s the first time I notice that all she has on are short green cotton shorts and a little white tank top. I get a quick glimpse of Nolan and notice his eyes are taking in my girl’s nearly naked body. Yeah, this is going to be a long night.

“Hey, baby, I’ll be right there. I have to talk to Nolan a second.” This isn’t going to work without laying out some rules. As soon as the bedroom door closes, I step toward Nolan. “Do not stare at my girl like that. Do you fucking hear me?”

“I’m sorry, but damn, those legs. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have legs like that wrapped around me,” he says, letting out a low whistle.

“Enough!” I yell, grabbing onto the front of his shirt.

“What the fuck?” he says, throwing his arms in the air.

“I’m going to go calm Alex down. When we come out, I expect you to leave her alone.”

He doesn’t answer, but I can feel his eyes burning a hole in my back as I walk toward the bedroom. Nolan slept with Bree, a girl I used to hang out with, shortly after we ended our little thing. It didn’t matter to me because she was just my way of passing time. Alex was never just my way to pass the time. I’m the first man who touched her, and I’m sure as hell going to be the last.

As soon as I open the bedroom door, I see her curled up in the middle of the bed. I’ll never get enough of seeing her in my bed, especially if she is going to wear next to nothing around the house.

She isn’t sleeping, but she seems deep in thought, barely acknowledging my presence. “Are you okay?” I ask as I lie down beside her on the bed.

Her eyes meet mine for the first time since I entered the room and I notice her chin is trembling. My chest aches for the girl lying in front of me. When she’s in pain, I feel pain. “I just want everything to be okay,” she mumbles.

“As long as we have each other, we’ll be fine. You have to trust me.” I watch as she closes her eyes tight. I can tell tears are going to start flowing at any minute. “What’s really bothering you? Talk to me.”

“I’ve never been on my own. I’ve never made my own decisions. I’ve never not known how I was going to pay bills. Actually, I’ve never had any bills to pay. I know I sound like a spoiled brat right now, but I’m just lost. I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to have to support me,” she says, wiping the moisture from her cheeks.

“We’ll be fine. I promise.” I kiss her forehead and gently brush her hair behind her ear. “Hey, why don’t we go look for jobs together tomorrow? I’ll show you around the neighborhood, and maybe we’ll find something.”

“Really?” she says, looking more hopeful than she did a few minutes ago.

“Really.” I can’t help myself as my hand starts to move up her side to cup her breast. My lips find hers as I work to make her forget all her worries and doubts. I want to make her forget everything except me. I push her onto her back and rest my legs on either side of her hips. My hands and lips take on a frantic pace.