Authors: Ivy Smoak
The report about the ITAs was interrupted for some breaking
news about a local gangster shot dead at the Copacabana Palace. I looked away
before they could show the picture of the guy. It was time to board.
Alina
One Week Later
The next week was a big blur. From Miami, I flew to LAX. At
the time, I didn't know why I had done it. I told myself it was because there
were tons of famous people in L.A. so it would be easier to blend in. Or maybe
I just belonged there since it was where all the porn stars lived.
I spent my first few days in Los Angeles hermitting in a
crappy motel, only having human contact to order the bare minimum amount of
food required to not starve. I screened all my calls, and I didn't even go on
my phone again after I received an email from the US ITA Committee informing me
that my prize money for my gold and silver medal were being withheld pending a
formal review of my disgraceful actions during the tiebreaker. In other words,
I was probably never going to see that money, and even if I did, it would be
well after my dad had already sold the bakery.
After three days, I finally got the courage to go get tested
for every STD in existence. When the tests all came back clean, I was finally
able to admit to myself the real reason I had flown to Los Angeles: I had to
see Bryce.
I knew it wasn't fair to ask him to ever speak to me again,
much less forgive me, but I had to try. I loved him.
What the hell am I going to say to him?
That question consumed my thoughts for the rest of the week.
I kept trying to plan out the perfect apology, but the truth was, no apology
could ever make up for what I had done. Maybe I just wanted to see him to get
some closure. If I didn't try to get his forgiveness, it would eat away at me
forever.
I was going to summon an Uber, but my phone had died days ago
and my charger was in Brazil, so instead I pulled on my Brazil hoodie and aviators
and got the front desk to call me a taxi.
When we arrived at the address I had found by doing some
old-fashioned phonebook stalking on Bryce, I handed the cab driver my credit
card to pay the fare.
"Alina Smith?" he asked, reading the name on my card.
"You're the ITA tiebreaker girl, right? I didn't recognize you with that
hoodie on."
"No, that's not me."
He ignored me. "Can I have your autograph? My friends
are never gonna believe I met you!"
"You're mixed up. I'm pretty sure the tiebreaker girl was
Aliba Stitch, not Alina Smith."
Aliba? That's not even a real name.
"Are you sure? You definitely look like her." He
glanced down at my chest.
"Yup. I'm sure."
Is this what every day is going
to be like now?
I was going to need to buy an entirely new wardrobe
consisting only of parkas and sunglasses.
I took my credit card back from him and got out of the cab.
Bryce lived in an apartment complex, so the door was locked
and there was a call box with a list of tenants. I pushed the button next to
the name Bryce Walker.
"Bryce?" I said. "It's Alina. I'm so sorry
about what happened. I never meant..." I stopped to choke back tears.
"I...I just want to apologize. And then you never have to see me
again."
No answer.
"Please, Bryce. I'm so, so sorry."
Still no answer.
It was clear Bryce didn't want to talk to me. I had kind of
expected it, but I had been holding onto a small, ridiculous shred of hope that
he would forgive me. The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't hold
back the tears anymore. I collapsed onto the stairs and cried my eyes out, and
then I cried some more.
***
A sickly homeless man offering me part of a sandwich - a
sandwich he had clearly plucked from a trashcan - while I cried on the stairs
of Bryce's apartment was the final straw. Being pitied by a homeless man was
horrifying, but that alone wasn't what did it for me. What really did it was
seeing how he kept going despite literally having nothing. Yes, I had done
something awful, and yes, I had lost Bryce, but I hadn't lost everything. I
still had money, I still had my health, and no matter how much I dreaded seeing
my parents and my grandma, I knew that deep down they would still love me. I
was going to have to face them eventually, so I might as well get it over with.
If I took it one day at a time, I could slowly pick up the pieces of my
shattered life.
After catching a plane to Philly, I got an Uber to Kristen's
apartment.
Kristen had moved into a nice apartment after graduating a
few months ago. I had moved home to live with my parents. But if I had to
choose between facing my parents or facing Kristen, it was an easy choice.
I pressed on the buzzer outside the building. "Kristen,
it's me."
She didn't say anything, but the doors immediately buzzed
open. I took the stairs instead of the elevator, and then I stopped in front of
her door.
Am I really ready to see her?
She had a front row seat to my
gangbang. I didn't know how she could ever look at me the same again.
I considered turning and running away, but before I could,
the door opened.
Kristen immediately threw her arms around. "Alina, I'm
so, so sorry." She immediately burst into tears. "I didn't think you
were ever going to talk to me again. I'm just so happy to see you."
Her crying made me start crying. "What?" I choked
through my sobs. "You're the one that shouldn't be talking to me. You saw
what I did."
Kristen pulled back and wiped the tears away from her eyes.
"I just thought after my message..." she let her voice die away.
"I haven't listened to any of my messages. My phone
died. I...I can't."
She grabbed my hand and pulled me into her apartment, closing
the door behind me. "Alina, what happened was all my fault."
"No it wasn't. I was like a sex craved maniac."
Saying it out loud made me wince.
"No." Kristen shook her head. "Tim planned
that whole thing for me. He knew the idea of multiple partners excited me. He
choreographed everything that happened. He just didn't tell anyone except the
backup dancers about it."
"Tim being crazy doesn't make it your fault. You just
said you didn't know about it."
"I didn't know. I swear I didn't. But you don't
understand. I lied." She looked down at her ankle.
For the first time, I realized she wasn't using her crutches.
She didn't even have a wrap around her ankle.
"I didn't hurt my ankle. I just wanted you to have the
chance to beat Gabriela."
"What?" I felt my tears biting at my eyes again.
"I saw you fall..."
"I faked it. And I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know what
Tim was planning at the end of the dance. I didn't know what was going to happen.
But it was supposed to be me up there. When he found out it was you, Tim told
all the guys exactly what to say to make you feel comfortable. He used your
relationship with Bryce to manipulate you. For some reason he was taking the
tiebreaker way too fucking seriously. He completely lost his mind."
I took a step away from her. "Kristen. My life is over.
I can't go anywhere. I lost...everything." I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Tears started coming to Kristen's eyes again. "I'm
sorry. Alina, please, I'm so, so sorry."
I sat down at a stool at her kitchen counter and put my face
in my hands. "I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at Tim. I'm just mad at
myself. How could I let it go that far?" I lifted my face out of my hands.
I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Because they were encouraging you. And because Coach
Hammond didn't let you have sex for a month. And because Bryce teased you all
week long."
I laughed and then immediately shook my head. "None of
this is Bryce's fault."
Bryce.
Just thinking about him made my
chest hurt. "He's lucky he never slept with me. Oh God. Or maybe he did. I
don't even know."
"He didn't." Kristen slid into the stool next to
mine. "He was too busy trying to stop the whole thing. Tim didn't tell him
what was going to happen either."
I pictured Bryce with his black eye and bloody nose. God,
that image was going to haunt me forever.
"Have you talked to him?" asked Kristen.
I shook my head. I knew he had called me. Before my phone
died I had several missed calls from him. But I didn't know what to say.
Nothing could take back what I had done. I thought seeing him in person would
be better. He'd be able to see how sorry I was.
"He tried to go after you when you fled the stage. You
have to call him, Alina. You were falling in love with him."
"Which is why I can't. I just can't."
Kristen let my words settle around us. She was quiet for a
few minutes while she stared at me.
"Where have you been? Your parents are worried about
you. No one knew where you were."
"I went to Pasadena. I thought I could talk to him. I
wanted to apologize." I shook my head. During the worst moment of my life,
Bryce was the one that I wanted. I needed him. But it wasn't fair to him that I
needed him right now. Not after what I had done. What I really needed was a
miracle. That's what it would take for him to forgive me.
"Did you try to go see him?"
"Yes." My voice came out as more of a croak.
"But he didn't let me into his apartment. He didn't even speak to
me." I took a deep breath and looked down. "Kristen. I love him. If I
could take it back, oh God, I wish I could just take it all back."
She got off her stool and put her arms around me. "It's
going to be okay."
"No," I sobbed into her shoulder. Nothing was ever
going to be okay ever again. Not if Bryce wasn't here beside me.
"Did you ever think that maybe he wasn't there?"
I shook my head.
Kristen laughed. "He was probably just out then. He
likes you. If there's anything I'm sure about, it's that he likes you. And he's
probably just as worried about you as I've been."
I sighed. "You think?"
"Yes. Why else would he have chased you to your dressing
room and even found a security guard to help let him in when you wouldn't
answer."
"Wait, you mean security wasn't there to arrest
me?"
"What? Is that why you escaped out a window and
disappeared?"
"Yes. I thought I was going to get arrested for public
sex or something and spend the rest of my life in some Brazilian prison."
Kristen starting laughing even harder. "Why would they
let you get the gold medal and then wait until you ran off stage to arrest you?
Why wouldn't they just stop the performance?"
"I don't know! Clearly I wasn't thinking straight or I
wouldn't have..."
She stared at me for a second. "I'm sorry, I just have
to ask...what was it like?" It looked like she was trying hard not to
smile.
"You mean, getting gangbanged on live television?"
I cringed as I said it.
She laughed. "Not the last part." She leaned on the
counter. "Just the first part."
"Can we please not talk about it? How are you even looking
at me after seeing me do that?"
"What, you mean because I'm so jealous of you?"
"Jealous?"
"Yes. And proud. The way you went out there and handled
all those beautiful men. I don't know if I would have had the confidence to do
that. And the way you hugged Gabriela and got cum all over her. That was
priceless."
I couldn't help but smile. I should have known Kristen would
have my back. She was the best. Knowing there was someone in the world who
didn't think I was a disgusting whore significantly improved my mood.
"So it was awesome, wasn't it?" she asked.
"I don't know." I hadn't really thought about how I
felt during it, just how horrible I felt when it was over. I laughed.
"Oh my God, you loved it!"
"I didn't love it." I could feel my face turning
red. "I don't know, it was weird. And this doesn't make it any better, but
it seemed like Bryce was all around me. I felt comfortable despite being in
front of all those people. It was...intoxicating."
"See, I knew I should be jealous."
"Ugh," I said with a laugh. "I wish it had
been you."
"Me too."
I shook my head. "You're so ridiculous."
"I'm ridiculous? You're the one that doesn't realize how
big of an opportunity this is. You could have your own reality TV show now.
Everyone gets their start these days by leaking a sex tape."
I started laughing. And once I had started, I couldn't seem
to stop.
"Can I please be on your TV show?" Kristen said as
she gasped for air through her own laughter.
"Absolutely." It felt so good to laugh after my
week of shame hibernation.
Kristen got up and grabbed a bottle of wine. "Okay, so
you know I need all the juicy details, right?"
I put my hand over my eyes. "What details?"
"Like how it felt to have Python's enormous thunder cock
inside of you."
We both burst into laughter again.
Alina
"So what are the odds that my family saw the full
video?" I asked. Kristen and I had just pulled into my neighborhood. We
were on the way to my house for my welcome home dinner, and I was getting more
nervous with every second that passed.
"I don't know," said Kristen. "They had to
have been watching the tiebreaker, right?"
"Not necessarily. Everyone thought it was going to be
you dancing until a few minutes before. But let's assume they were watching.
What would they have seen?
"Okay, so they definitely saw that your backup dancers
got naked and that you took your bra off, but that was all censored. I think
the broadcast cut out before you started giving head. And then it didn't come
back on until Owen Harris gave you the towel."
"Hmm...so they heard what the judges said to me." I
tried to recall exactly what the judges had said to me, but I couldn't remember
for sure. "I think that French lady said the most. Do you remember if she
specifically mentioned that I had sex?"
Kristen shrugged as she turned into my parents' driveway.
"I don't know, Alina. It'll probably be pretty obvious if they know or
not. And if it isn't, I'll help you figure it out."
I took a deep breath and we walked to the front door.
"Don't be nervous," said Kristen. "Your parents
will still love you no matter how much of it they saw."
Oh God.
My mom answered the door. "Alina." She pulled me
into a hug. "Sweetie, we've been so worried about you. Where on earth have
you been?" She released me from her hug but kept both hands on my
shoulders.
"I just needed some time to myself," I said.
She nodded. "Right. I know how upset you were about the
final. But silver is nothing to be ashamed of. That's a huge
accomplishment."
Does she really not know about what happened? Or is she
just pretending like she doesn't?
I glanced at Kristen and she gave me a
subtle thumbs up.
"So what's for dinner?" asked Kristen.
"I cooked up a big turkey dinner. I hope that's okay. In
fact, I need to go take it out of the oven. Why don't you go put your things
upstairs and then join us in the dining room."
My mom disappeared down the hall and left Kristen and me at
the door.
"I think she's oblivious," said Kristen.
"I don't know. She was acting kinda weird. And why
didn't my dad or grandma come to greet us?"
"They're probably just already at the table. Come on, go
put your stuff upstairs and come eat. I'm hungry."
I walked upstairs and dropped my duffel bag on the floor of
my room. There was a picture of Chris and me on my nightstand. I walked over
and picked it up. Chris had his arm around me, his hand resting on my ass. I
always thought his physical affection was a good thing. I had been too blind to
realize that it was the only thing that was important to him. I opened up the
drawer in my nightstand and tossed the picture inside.
Screw Chris.
Bryce
was who I really cared about. But just like Chris had fucked things up with me,
I had fucked things up with Bryce. Even though Kristen had cheered me up a
little, the thought of Bryce still brought tears to my eyes. I tried to cheer
myself up by looking at the other picture on my nightstand, a picture of
Grandma and me in front of Nona's Bakery when I was young. But that picture
didn't cheer me up either. It just made me think about how I still had to
convince my dad to give me more time to come up with the money to fix up the
bakery. And convincing him that the money was coming involved admitting that I
had participated in the tiebreaker and won gold and that the US ITA Committee
was withholding my winnings until a review of my behavior was completed.
Shit.
I turned away from the picture and went downstairs.
Kirsten, Mom, Dad, and Grandma were all seated at the table
already.
"Alina!" my grandmother said. "My beautiful,
Alina." She was smiling brightly. It was questionable if my mom knew or
not, but it definitely seemed like my grandma was in the dark.
Thank God.
"Hi, Grandma," I said and gave her a hug before
sitting down.
"Welcome home, honey," said my dad. He glanced up
at me and then turned his attention to carving the turkey.
I looked over at Kristen to see if she had figured out if
they knew, but she just shrugged.
We all served ourselves and began eating. With each second
that passed in silence, I began to think that my family had seen the video.
Usually we had such free-flowing conversation during our family dinners,
especially after not seeing each other for three weeks.
"So, girls," said my mom finally. "We want to
hear all about the games."
"They were a lot of fun," I said. I wanted to avoid
giving any details at all costs.
"What was Brazil like?"
"Hot. Really hot," I said. "You know, in a
temperature way." I ate a big spoonful of mashed potatoes and hoped no one
picked up on the innuendo.
"Yeah, I saw on the news how hot it was there,"
replied my mom.
Please be talking about the temperature.
"Yup.
High 90s and very humid."
"What I want to know is what it was like to be
surrounded by all those athletes," said my grandma.
"Intimidating," said Kristen. "And a little
overwhelming. But I thought Alina handled it really well."
I kicked Kristen under the table.
What the hell is she
doing!?
"What about that boy you were telling me about?"
asked my mom. "Are you two still together despite the tie..." She
coughed into her napkin. "...Time difference? You said he lives in
Pasadena, right?"
Shit, was she about to say tiebreaker?
I looked down
at my plate and tried to hold back the mix of tears about Bryce and
embarrassment that my mom almost mentioned the tiebreaker. I was pretty sure
she knew all about it and was just pretending like she didn't.
"I'm not sure they've talked since the games," said
Kristen.
"Can we talk about something else?" I asked.
Kristen nodded. "Can someone pass the dark meat? I
wanted to get my hands on it before Alina shoves it all in her mouth."
My dad choked on whatever he was eating and my grandma
giggled. My mom pretended to ignore it completely.
Oh fuck. They definitely know.
"So uh...what'd I miss in Delaware?" I said,
changing the topic as quickly as possible.
"We sold the bakery," said my dad matter-of-factly.
"What?" I asked. "No. You said you wouldn't
until I got back..."
"It's done," said my dad. "End of
discussion."
I looked to my grandma for help. "Grandma? Are you going
to let him do this?"
She looked down at her plate.
I turned back to my dad. "But I'm going to get the
money. Just give me a few days."
He slammed his fist on the table, making everyone at the
table jump. "What are you going to do? Host a charity strip show to get
the money you need to fix the place up? Or maybe you could go do some more
porn."
I swallowed hard. I had never been more ashamed in my life.
Or more embarrassed. But it wasn't just that. I was mad. I was so mad.
"Dad, I made one mistake."
He scoffed. "That's not what I heard."
I winced. It wasn't just one mistake. There had been eight
guys on that stage. I looked over at my grandmother. She was looking everywhere
except for at me. Before she had started getting sick, she loved putting my
father in his place, making him feel like the son she still viewed him as. But
not even Grandma was on my side this time. Had she really heard about it too?
Why were they talking about that in an old folks home? Her lack of support hurt
the most. It was her dream to pass the bakery on to me.
"Bill, please..." said my mom.
"God damn it. I can't just sit here and pretend like
nothing happening." My dad turned to me. The disappointment in his eyes
was heartbreaking. "We heard all about what you did, Alina. You didn't
deserve that bakery, not after that. I sold it to the highest bidder."
"She won gold," said Kristen. "You should be
proud of her, not slut shaming her."
My dad shook his head. "We didn't raise you that way,
Alina."
"What do you mean you didn't raise me that way? You're
who I got my competitiveness from. You always told me to do whatever it takes
to win. You always said..."
My dad stood up. The chair squeaked across the floor.
"To be a prostitute? I can't even look at you!"
I bit my lip. I didn't want to start crying again. "It
was a mistake."
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"Then give me more time. Dad, please, I'm begging
you."
He finally made eye contact with me. "It's too late. The
sale is final. I need some air."
I closed my eyes and squeezed them harder when I heard the
front door slam. "I'm gonna go to bed."
"You barely touched your food," my mother said. She
put her hand on top of mine.
I opened my eyes. "Did you know?"
"Yes. I saw the video on Twitter..."
Oh my God.
The thought of my mom watching that video
made me want to vomit.
"I think she meant about the bakery," said Kristen.
My mom cleared her throat. "Oh, right. No, I didn't
know. I would have told him not to do it, but I don't think that would have
helped. Someone came in with a last minute bid that was way higher than the
price he had been negotiating with the developer. Either way, my opinion didn't
matter. It wasn't mine to sell."
"It wasn't his either. It was Grandma's."
Grandma continued to stare at something that no one else saw.
Clearly she didn't want me to have the bakery either.
"I'm already beating myself up over what happened
enough," I said. "I don't need anyone else against me." I stood
up.
"Sweetie..." but my mom's voice died away as I ran
up the stairs. It felt like I was a kid again, being reprimanded. Only what I
had done was nothing like what a child would do.
I collapsed on my bed. I remembered being upset after getting
my silver medal. Bryce had held me. He made me feel safe and secure. Like
nothing bad would ever happen to me. Like he'd be there making sure it didn't.
I needed him. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what it felt like with his
arms around me again. But all I could see was his bruised face.
Kristen entered my room a second later. She sat down on the
bed and put her hand on my shoulder. She didn't have to say anything. I knew
she didn't mean to set my dad off like that. She was just trying to help me
figure out if my parents knew.
"I can't believe he sold it," I said.
"Maybe it's not final. He was probably just lashing out
because he was mad at you. He'll probably come to his senses in a few days and
cancel the sale."
"I don't think so. He's never looked at me that way
before. He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you," said Kristen. "He's
just adjusting to the fact that you're all grown up."
"That's a nice way to put it. But I really think he
hates..."
A knock on the door interrupted me. I was about to tell them
to go away when my grandma poked her head in. "Can I come in?"
"Of course." I sat up and Kristen scooted over to
make room for her on the bed.
She was looking down at her hands. "I'm sorry I didn't
say anything in front of your father."
"You don't have to apologize. I know how upsetting what
I did was for all of you. I'm so sorry."
To my surprise, Grandma laughed. "That's not why I
didn't say anything. I just didn't want to embarrass your father."
I looked over at her.
She laughed again. "I understand what happened
completely."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you girls promise that what I say will never leave
this room?"
Kristen and I looked at each other. "We promise."
"Well," she said and lowered her voice slightly.
"Before I dated your grandfather, I was dating this handsome farm
boy." She smiled, remembering him. "Two of his friends worked on the
farm too. And they all shared a small house right next to the farm. They were
all gorgeous. Tan from the sun, ripped muscles from heavy lifting. Short days,
long nights. Very long, very cold nights." She sighed. "Some of the
best nights of my life."
I just stared at her and then looked over at Kristen. Her jaw
had dropped. "Wait, are you saying..."
"That I know what it's like to give into my hormones? To
be shared? That feeling that you're already in so deep? And that all you want
to do is satisfy everyone the same way they're satisfying you?"
"Um, yeah."
"Let's just say those were some of the best nights of my
life. Up there with when you were born, my beautiful, Alina." She put her
hand under my chin.
I didn't know what to say. "But only you and them knew.
Not the whole world."
She waved her hand in the air. "And the next scandal
will come soon enough. Everyone will forget. It's a burden that you'll carry
alone, making it a monster in your own mind. I carried mine and lived through
it. It'll be the same for you. But really, once you settle down and have
children, you'll remember it more fondly. You'll think back and know what it
was like to be so utterly satisfied that you completely lost control. To know
what it was like to truly live." She sighed.
Oh my God.
"And your regret will turn into a memory. There's only
moving forward. Stop looking back, Alina."
I was still having trouble processing the fact that my
grandmother was into foursomes. I shook away the thought. "How can I look
forward when my dad just took my future away from me?"
My grandmother shook her head. "Your father is incorrigible.
I signed over the lease to him years ago. He didn't even ask me. Don't worry,
I'll be giving him a piece of my mind. That bakery was for you. All I've ever
wanted was for you to take it over."