Authors: Philip Roth
Brenda was kneeling backwards in the chair, looking out the window as though out the window was where she’d rather be. I came up behind her and put my hands around her body and held her breasts, and when I felt the cool draft that swept under the sill, I realized how long it had been since that first warm night when I had put my arms around her and felt the tiny wings beating in her back. And then I realized why I’d really come to Boston—it had been long enough. It was time to stop kidding about marriage.
“Is something the matter?” I said.
“Yes.”
It wasn’t the answer I’d expected; I wanted no answer really, only to soothe her nervousness with my concern.
But I asked, “What is it? Why didn’t you mention it on the phone?”
“It only happened today.”
“School?”
“Home. They found out about us.”
I turned her face up to mine. “That’s okay. I told my aunt I was coming here too. What’s the difference?”
“About the summer. About our sleeping together.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
“…Ron?”
“No.”
“That night, you mean, did Julie—”
“No,” she said, “it wasn’t
anybody.
”
“I don’t get it.”
Brenda got up and walked over to the bed where she sat down on the edge. I sat in the chair.
“My mother found the thing.”
“The diaphragm?”
She nodded.
“When?” I asked.
“The other day, I guess.” She walked to the bureau and opened her purse. “Here, you can read them in the order I got them.” She tossed an envelope at me; it was dirty-edged and crumpled, as though it had been in and out of her pockets a good many times. “I got this one this morning,” she said. “Special delivery.”
I took out the letter and read:
P
ATIMKIN
K
ITCHEN AND
B
ATHROOM
S
INKS
“
Any Size
—
Any Shape
”
Dear Brenda—
Don’t pay any Attention to your Mother’s Letter when you get it. I love you honey if you want a coat I’ll buy You a coat. You could always have anything you wanted. We have every faith in you so you won’t be too upset by what your mother says in her Letter. Of course she is a little hystericall because of the shock and she has been Working so hard for Hadassah. She is a Woman and it is hard for her to understand some of the Shocks in life. Of course I can’t say We weren’t all surprised because from the beginning I was nice to him and Thought he would appreciate the nice vacation we supplied for him. Some People never turn out the way you hope and pray but I am willing to forgive and call Buy Gones, Buy Gones, You have always up till now been a good Buck and got good scholastic Grades and Ron has always been what we wanted a Good Boy, most important, and a Nice boy. This late in my life believe me I am not going to start hating my own flesh and blood. As for your mistake it takes Two to make a mistake and now that you will be away at school and from him and what you got involved in you will probably do all right I have every faith you will. You have to have faith in your children like in a Business or any serious undertaking and there is nothing that is so bad that we can’t forgive especially when Our own flesh and blood is involved. We have a nice close nitt family and why not???? Have a nice Holiday and in Temple I will say a Prayer for you as I do every year. On Monday I want you to go into Boston and buy a coat. Whatever you need because I know how Cold it gets up where you are … Give my regards to Linda and remember to bring her home with you on Thanksgiving like last year. You two had such a nice time. I have always never said bad things about any of your friends or Rons and that this should happen is only the exception that proves the rule. Have a Happy Holiday.
Y
OUR
F
ATHER
And then it was signed Ben Patimkin, but that was crossed out and written beneath “Your Father” were again, like an echo, the words, “Your Father.”
“Who’s Linda?” I asked.
“My roommate, last year.” She tossed another envelope to me. “Here. I got this one in the afternoon. Air Mail.”
The letter was from Brenda’s mother. I started to read it and then put it down a moment. “You got this
after?
”
“Yes,” she said. “When I got his I didn’t know what was happening. Read hers.”
I began again.
Dear Brenda:
I don’t even know how to begin. I have been crying all morning and have had to skip my board meeting this afternoon because my eyes are so red. I never thought this would happen to a daughter of mine. I wonder if you know what I mean, if it is at least on your conscience, so I won’t have to degrade either of us with a description. All I can say is that this morning when I was cleaning out the drawers and putting away your summer clothing I came upon something in your bottom drawer,
under
some sweaters which you probably remember leaving there. I cried the minute I saw it and I haven’t stopped crying yet. Your father called a while ago and now he is driving home because he heard how upset I was on the phone.I don’t know what we ever did that you should reward us this way. We gave you a nice home and all the love and respect a child needs. I always was proud when you were a little girl that you could take care of yourself so well. You took care of Julie so beautifully it was a treat to see, when you were only fourteen years old. But you drifted away from your family, even though we sent you to the best schools and gave you the best money could buy. Why you should reward us this way is a question I’ll carry with me to the grave.
About your friend I have no words. He is his parents’ responsibility and I cannot imagine what kind of home life he had that he could act that way. Certainly that was a fine way to repay us for the hospitality we were nice enough to show to him, a perfect stranger. That the two of you should be carrying on like that in our very house I will never in my life be able to understand. Times certainly have changed since I was a girl that this kind of thing could go on. I keep asking myself if at least you didn’t think of us while you were doing that. If not for me, how could you do this to your father? God forbid Julie should ever learn of this.
God only knows what you have been doing all these years we put our trust in you.
You have broken your parents’ hearts and you should know that. This is some thank you for all we gave you.
M
OTHER
She only signed “Mother” once, and that was in an extraordinarily miniscule hand, like a whisper.
“Brenda,” I said.
“What?”
“Are you starting to cry?”
“No. I cried already.”
“Don’t start again.”
“I’m trying not to, for God’s sake.”
“Okay … Brenda, can I ask you one question?”
“What?”
“Why did you leave it home?”
“Because I didn’t plan on using it here, that’s why.”
“Suppose I’d come up. I mean I have come up, what about that?”
“I thought I’d come down first.”
“So then couldn’t you have carried it down then? Like a toothbrush?”
“Are you trying to be funny?”
“No. I’m just asking you why you left it home.”
“I told you,” Brenda said. “I thought I’d come home.”
“But, Brenda, that doesn’t make any sense. Suppose you did come home, and then you came back again. Wouldn’t you have taken it with you then?”
“I don’t
know.
”
“Don’t get angry,” I said.
“You’re the one who’s angry.”
“I’m upset, I’m not angry.”
“I’m upset then too.”
I did not answer but walked to the window and looked out. The stars and moon were out, silver and hard, and from the window I could see over to the Harvard campus where lights burned and then seemed to flicker when the trees blew across them.
“Brenda…”
“What?”
“Knowing how your mother feels about you, wasn’t it silly to leave it home? Risky?”
“What does how she feels about me have to do with it?”
“You can’t trust her.”
“Why can’t I?”
“Don’t you see. You
can’t
”
“Neil, she was only cleaning out the drawers.”
“Didn’t you know she would?”
“She never did before. Or maybe she did. Neil, I couldn’t think of everything. We slept together night after night and nobody heard or noticed—”
“Brenda, why the hell are you willfully confusing things?”
“I’m not!”
“Okay,” I said softly. “All right.”
“It’s you who’s confusing things,” Brenda said. “You act as though I wanted her to find it.”
I didn’t answer.
“Do you believe
that?
” she said, after neither of us had spoken for a full minute. “I don’t know.”
“Oh, Neil, you’re
crazy
.”
“What was crazier than leaving that damn thing around?”
“It was an oversight.”
“Now it’s an oversight, before it was deliberate.”
“It was an oversight about the drawer. It wasn’t an oversight about leaving it,” she said.
“Brenda, sweetheart, wouldn’t the safest, smartest, easiest, simplest thing been to have taken it with you? Wouldn’t it?”
“It didn’t make any difference either way.”
“Brenda, this is the most frustrating argument of my life!”
“You keep making it seem as though I
wanted
her to find it. Do you think I need this? Do you? I can’t even go home any more.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes!”
“No,” I said. “You can go home—your father will be waiting with two coats and a half-dozen dresses.”
“What about my mother?”
“It’ll be the same with her.”
“Don’t be absurd. How can I face them!”
“Why can’t you face them? Did you do anything wrong?”
“Neil, look at the reality of the thing, will you?”
“
Did
you do anything wrong?”
“Neil,
they
think it’s wrong. They’re my parents.”
“But do you think it’s wrong—”
“That doesn’t
matter.
”
“It does to me, Brenda…”
“Neil, why are
you
confusing things? You keep accusing me of things.”
“Damn it, Brenda, you’re guilty of some things.”
“
What?
”
“Of leaving that damn diaphragm there. How can you call it an oversight!”
“Oh, Neil, don’t start any of that psychoanalytic crap!”
“Then why else did you do it? You wanted her to find it!”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Brenda,
why?
”
“Oh!” she said, and she picked up the pillow and threw it back on to the bed.
“What happens now, Bren?” I said.
“What does that mean?”
“Just that. What happens now?”
She rolled over on to the bed and buried her head in it.
“Don’t start crying,” I said.
“I’m
not
”
I was still holding the letters and took Mr. Patimkin’s from its envelope. “Why does your father capitalize all these letters?” She didn’t answer.
“‘As for your mistake,’” I read aloud to Brenda, “‘it takes Two to make a mistake and now that you will be away at school and from him and what you got involved in you will probably do all right I have every faith you will. Your father. Your father.’”
She turned and looked at me; but silently.
“‘I have always never said bad things about any of your friends or Rons and that this should happen is only the exception that proves the rale. Have a Happy Holiday.’” I stopped; in Brenda’s face there was positively no threat of tears; she looked, suddenly, solid and decisive. “Well, what are you going to do?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Who are you going to bring home Thanksgiving—Linda?” I said, “or me?”
“Who
can
I bring home, Neil?”
“I don’t know, who can you?”
“Can I bring you home?”
“I don’t know,” I said, “can you?”
“Stop repeating the question!”
“I sure as hell can’t give you the answer.”
“Neil, be realistic. After this, can I bring you home? Can you see us all sitting around the table?”
“I can’t if you can’t, and I can if you can.”
“Are you going to speak Zen, for God’s sake!”
“Brenda, the choices aren’t mine. You can bring Linda or me. You can go home or not go home. That’s another choice. Then you don’t even have to worry about choosing between me and Linda.”