Hate Me Today (Save Me #3) (18 page)

Vanessa

The elevator doors chime open but I don’t move at first. It isn’t until Mandi grabs my arm, pulling me along, that I move and even then I don’t pick my eyes up off the floor. I shuffle along the rug, trying to figure out how to fake my way through this interview. It’s the first one I’ve had to do since Jason told me to leave.

“If you can’t do this, you need to tell me now because the guy walking toward us is John, one of the DJ’s.”

Mandi hits my arm to grab my attention and like the trained monkey I’ve become, my head snaps up, forced smile in place. I pray the guy can’t tell I’m faking it, hoping he just thinks I’m tired, which I am. I don’t sleep for shit anymore now that I’m alone.

“Miss. Knox, so glad you could join us. If you would please follow me, we should be live in about five minutes.”

The guy pushes through the heavy door to the studio and shows me where I can set up. I set my guitar down on the stool next to mine and watch as my hands tremble. Not only is this the first interview since Jason told me to leave, it’s the first one I’ve done alone and the first time I’ll play the new song I wrote.

I climb onto the stool, sliding my headphones on just in time for the "On Air" sign to light up. I exchange pleasantries with the DJs, working through all the routine questions that I’m used to before Meredith, the female DJ, hits me with a question about me and Jason. As hard as it is, I was expecting it, it’s hard to avoid the situation since the news of us breaking up hit headlines not long after.

“So
, Vanessa,” she starts, shuffling through some papers, “we need the scoop. Everyone has seen the headlines, we all know about the split but we want the truth. What actually happened between you and Jason Jackson and how are you really dealing with it?”

My head drops as I try to keep myself composed. “Uh, well… the truth is, we tried but it’s hard to keep anything personal going in this business and we just figured we were better off as friends,” I lie. “So we decided to call it quits before anything bad happened and caused any major problems.”

“And you’re all right with it? He’s all right with it?” John questions.

I nod and then remember that I’m on the radio and actually have to use my words.

“I’m good,” I lie again. “He’s good.” That probably wasn’t a lie. He’s probably banging some whore right now.

“You guys usually do all your interviews as a band but you’re here alone today. That doesn’t have anything to do with the split
, does it?”

“Actually, the guys are in the studio right now laying down a few tracks for the new album. I’m headed there when we wrap up here.” I amaze myself at how well the lies just roll right off my tongue today.

They both smile at me and I force out a laugh when John cracks a few jokes.

“I hear you brought us a new song today.”

“I sure did. You guys will actually be the first ones to hear it. It’s called "Meet Me at the Bottom".” I pull my guitar onto my lap, adjusting my microphone so I don’t hit it when I play.

“Well, you guys heard it. You’re the first ones to hear it and you’ll only find it on WXTZ ninety eight point two.”

I pick my head up just long enough to find Mandi on the other side of the glass. She smiles at me before nodding, it’s sad but it’s better than nothing. She’s been the one to pick up the pieces and she’s watched me struggle with getting this song out. As soon as her smile drops, I close my eyes and begin to play. It’s sad and slow and shows every single emotion I’ve felt over the past few weeks alone.

“I dust off the bottle

Pick it up but set it right back down

I know if I start now I won’t stop

And there’s no coming back from the bottom

I’m just going through the motions

Day after day, why do they say it’ll get better?

Just one sip, one taste, maybe it will bring you back to me”

By the time I finish up my hands are shaking so badly that I drop my pic. Thankfully, they cut to commercial without me having to say anything else. Frankly, I’m not sure I would be able to even if I needed to. Opening my eyes, I search for the comfort I get from Mandi but for some reason she’s turned away, arm flying as she holds the phone against her ear. Mandi is only animated when she talks when she’s angry or upset, so I can’t help but wonder what has her all worked up.

The interview ends and I grab my stuff, rushing out of the room like my ass is on fire. Between the doing this alone, singing that song and knowing something upset Mandi, I feel myself starting to spiral. It’s not going to be good and I know it.

Mandi can barely keep up as I rush from the building, jumping into the car as soon as she unlocks the door. We drive until I see the signs for a liquor store and make her pull in.

“Do you really think this is the answer?” she
asks, putting the car in park.

I don’t answer her, I just hang my head instead as I get out of and rush into the store. I grab a bottle of vodka and rush back out after paying.

I lean back into the leather seat, close my eye and unscrew the cap. Lifting it to my lips, I turn and smile sadly at Mandi.

“Here’s to hitting rock bottom.”

The vodka burns as it runs down my throat, reminding me of every reason I shouldn’t be drinking it. I close my eyes, pushing back the tears that threaten to spill every time I think of Jason. I chug more from the bottle, trying to drown out the ache in my chest. Reaching across the console, Mandi grabs my hand as she begins to drive.

We get about six blocks down the road and about a quarter of the bottle of vodka down my throat before I’m begging her to pull the car over. The car slides up to the curb just in time for me to fling the door open, stumbling out onto the sidewalk.

“Vanessa where are you going?” I hear the click of Mandi’s heals on the ground behind me as she tries to catch up. Tipping the bottle back, I turn the corner. “Vanessa-”

“You can go home, Mandi. I’m fine. Just need a break.”

Finally reaching me, she grabs my arm, pulling me around.

“A break from what? If you need to step back, I’ll talk to Abby. If you need a vacation, I’ll call the goddamn airline right now. I can help you but you need to tell me what you need!”

“What I need? I need a break from here.” I smack my hand against the side of my head. “I need a week without thinking about the fact that I did the one thing I told myself I would never to. A week without wondering what the hell I did wrong or where the fuck he is. I need to not have to watch every single goddamn thing I do with my life because it might make me sick. That is what I need, Mandi, and that is something you can’t do for me.”

The bottle slips from my fingers, shattering against the ground and I laugh, earning myself a confused look from Mandi and the people passing us.

“You find this funny?”

“No,” I erupt into a fit of alcohol induced giggles and point at the ground. “That’s my life. When I step back and look at my life, that’s what it looks like. Go home Mandi, you don’t get paid to handle my breakdowns.”

I spin back around, stomping forward when a sign to my right catches my eye. The lights surrounding the words make my head fuzzy as they spin around the words Cherry Poppins. The half-naked girl with a top hat and umbrella reminds me of Mary Poppins.

Oh, wait… I get it now. Cute.

I stop in front of the bouncer, handing him my ID while he runs his eyes over my tight Iron Man shirt and Batman belt buckle. He snickers but pulls the door back for me and I can’t help but wonder what he would say if he knew each cup on my bra had the Captain America symbol on them and my underwear had Superman’s. "Super Ass" may or may not be stamped across the ass of them.

What can I say? I knew today was going to be rough and I needed all the support I could get. Get it
? support? Captain America is pretty supportive. Shit, I need another drink.

I order a double of whatever the strongest alcohol they have is and watch the topless blonde chick effortlessly twirl herself the pole in the center of the stage. She’s in control, flowing like the epitome of perfection as she captivates everyone’s attention with her moves.

I wish right now I could feel as confident as the woman looks. Men sit by the edge of the stage, begging for her to focus on them. I down the drink that was set in front of me while I was watching the show, pushing all the bad thoughts from my mind as I get set to do something I know I definitely shouldn’t do.

Jason

This meeting is dragging ass. Who knew being part owner of a recording company could be so boring. I much prefer my time on stage or in the studio over this office shit.

It’s not like I’m really even paying attention though. My mind is on the fact that this damn tie is choking the life out of me and the conversation I had with Mandi a little while ago. I didn’t expect to get an earful when I called her to ask her what the hell Vanessa was doing playing a new song that no one at the label had approved.

I barely hear Rene say something about the sponsors for this year’s Rock for a Cure concert. My phone rings, but since it’s on vibrate it skitters across the shiny cherry colored conference table, gaining everyone’s attention.

A groan escapes my lips on accident when I see that it’s Mandi calling again. I excuse myself, shutting the heavy door behind me before I slide my finger across the screen to answer.

I barely get out the ‘h’ in my hello before my ears are assaulted with a heavy bass beat and Mandi yelling through the speaker.

“Mandi, I can’t understand a damn thing you’re saying. What the hell are you doing? Partying?”

She must walk outside or into another room because the noise level drops enough that I can hear her. “I said you need to get your ass over to Cherry Poppins or at least send someone who can help me!”

Cherry Poppins? The fuck…?

“Mandi, what the hell are you doing at a strip club? You just left the radio station, you’re supposed to be on your way here so Vanessa can record.”

“Yeah well, I guess Vanessa decided she wanted a new career path. She’d rather get paid in singles than make them.”

Anger burns through me, mixed with what’s probably jealousy at the thought of someone else seeing Vanessa that way. I am the only person that should be allowed to see her body and yes, I know how stupid that makes me sound since I told her to leave in the first place.

It’s not that I actually wanted her to leave, but she’s better off without me.

“What the hell do you want me to do about it? I’m in a board meeting, it’s not like I can just walk out to come take care of her. We aren’t together anymore, so that means you should probably find someone else to take care of her.”

No,” she bites out, “you are the reason she spiraled, which means you need to come clean up this mess. I can’t do it on my own.”

When are people going to understand that I am always the reason? Something goes wrong, it’s usually my fault.

“Jason you
son-of-a-bitch, you better not have hung up on me.”

Leaning back against the wall, my head bangs off against one of the platinum album plaques behind me.
I sigh, knowing this is a losing battle. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

I make some bullshit excuse that I know I’m going to have to explain to Abby later
, make my way down to my car, and drive the few miles to the club that Mandi said they were at.

The bouncer checks my
ID and lets me in. The scene that unfolds in front of me when I walk in is crazy. The club is probably at capacity, which is odd for midday, all of them screaming at the girl on stage. Money is waving through the air, flying at the dancer.

The girl rolls her back against the pole, pulling her shirt over her head. Her hair falls down her back when she drops the shirt, letting her arms dangle as she rocks back and forth revealing a wrist tattoo that I would know anywhere. Even though I can’t see her face, I know the girl dancing is Vanessa.

I push my way to the bar, demanding to talk to the owner or manager. When the guy finally makes it over to where I’m standing, I slap my hand down hard against the bar.

“What the hell is she doing up there?” I demand.

He shrugs. “She asked if she could dance. She’s smokin’ hot so I said yes. She’s been up there for twenty minutes and her shirts the first thing to come off the entire time but she’s brought in more of a crowd than any of my girls put together.”

“What’s it going to take to clear this place out right now?”

His eyebrow raises, intrigued but he shakes his head, turning away. “Not gonna happen man. I’ve got a business to run here and closing down gets me nowhere. Sorry.”

I pull my wallet out, knowing exactly what it’s going to take to get him to negotiate with me before the rest of Vanessa’s clothing falls off.

“Twenty grand.” I tap his shoulder with my credit card. He turns around, wide eyed. “Twenty grand to close up right now.”

I don’t need to say anything else. He grabs my card and runs it as fast as he can. Reaching up
, he pauses the music, yelling at everyone that he was closing early and they needed to leave. It doesn’t faze Vanessa, I’m pretty sure she’s dancing to a beat in her head anyway so she never stops moving.

Through grumbles, pissed off patrons and obscene yelling, everyone filters out of the club even if they don’t want to. Everyone except the guy Vanessa is now giving a lap dance to. I grab the remote from the owners hand before walking over to where she’s swinging her body around.
Mandi grabs my arm before reach them.

“Is she high?”

My wording earns me a glare, but who knows what’s happened since we broke up.

“Everclear
, you idiot. What are you going to do?”

I shrug because I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know how Vanessa’s going to react and Mandi’s right, I’m the reason this is happening.

“Don’t hurt her again.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her in the first place,” I admit quietly.

It’s harder than I thought to be back in a bar without drinking, or at least without Vanessa’s support. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and if I wasn’t so fucked in the head, I would have admitted that a long time ago. I tell Mandi to go ahead and leave. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get her out, but I need to do it by myself now that I’m here.

“Show’s over,” I say, tapping the lap dance guy on the shoulder.

Vanessa’s head drops back against his shoulder, her ass grinding against him. Every nerve in my body is on edge being this close to her and having her touching someone else.

“Oh look,” Vanessa slurs, “it’s Captain Craptastic the Clitter Glitterer.” She turns her head into the douchebag that’s groping her, touching what’s mine. “He’s a buzz kill, but he’s one hell of a fuck. Do you think you could outdo him?”

Before the guy has a chance to answer, I grab Vanessa’s arm, pulling her toward me just in time for Tyrone to grab the asshole from underneath her. Where the hell did he come from?

“Shit, I lost them at a stop light and Mandi just called me,” he explains. “You got her? I’ve got this asshole.”

I nod and push Vanessa away from me as soon as Tyrone closes the door behind him.

“What the fuck was that?” I roar, causing her to flinch back.

She shrugs her shoulders, turns and climbs back up the stairs to the stage.

"
Found a new pro- pro… shit what’s that word?” She thinks for a second before spinning around too fast and falling. “Profession motherfucker. I have a new profession. I’m doing the thing you told me I was good at.”

I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, hating myself for every word that’s ever come out of my mouth. When I open them again, Vanessa is swinging herself around the pole with her eyes closed.

“Don’t do this. You know I’m sorry for the shit I used to do to you, babe.”

She stops spinning, pinning me with eyes filled with pure hatred. “Don’t babe me. You told me to leave,” she says. “That means you don’t get to come in here and fuck everything up. Or call me babe.”

“I can’t come in here and fuck what up? I can’t stop assholes from watching you take your clothes off? From taking pictures that they will leak to the press? Or I can’t come in here and stop them from touching you? Because if you think for one goddamn second that I’m going to sit back and watch guys see and touch what is mine, you have another thing coming.” I end up squeezing the remote in my hand as my temper flares, unpausing the music.

“What’s yours?” she seethes, jumping off the stage without falling somehow. She runs her hands over her body letting them settle over the Captain America emblems on her tits. “None of this is yours anymore. You lost the privilege to care what I did with it the second I told you I loved you and you told me to LEAVE!”

“You’re right,” I yell back, raising my voice over the words to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. “I fucked up. Telling you to leave was the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I did it for you!”

Vanessa rushes to the bar, pouring herself another shot. I force myself to stay put because I know if I’m near it, I’m going to drink it.

“For me? You did this for me?” She does the shot, rolls the glass around in her hand and throws it at me. It misses me by about four feet, making her scream out. “Fuck you! You did it for me, my ass! The only person you were thinking of when you told me to leave, was you.”

I crowd her space when she comes back for her shirt. The need to touch her overwhelms me and I reach out, dragging my fingers down her spine. Her body trembles at the contact.

“Don’t,” she chokes back a sob. I let my arm fall limply by my side. “All I wanted to do was forget and for the few minutes I was on this damn stage, I did. I wasn’t thinking about you for the first time in almost a month and you had to come in here and wreck it.”

I pull my suit jacket off, lay it over the back of a chair and roll my sleeves up to my elbows before sitting down.

“You wanna dance, dance for me. You wanna take your clothes off for money, I’ll give you every damn penny I have. You want someone to touch you, make you feel alive again, let it be me. Let me fix what I broke. But don’t ever try to forget because I know I never will. I’m the one who fucks everything up, not you.” I clear my throat when she turns around, tears glistening in her eyes. “The reason I told you to leave was because you deserve so much better than me.”

I can tell the alcohol coursing through her body is pushing her mind in two different directions but the side that had her up on the stage to begin with wins out this time.

Vanessa’s hips gyrate along with the beat as the song switches and "Bad Girl" by Avril Lavigne pumps through the speaker.

I slouch back in the chair, dropping my voice as she closes her eyes. I know I’m using the state she’s in to my advantage but I can’t seem to stop myself.

“You want me to touch you, don’t you?” She nods but I demand an answer from her, knowing I will get it from her. Her need to be controlled in certain situations outweighs her need to hate me and I know it.

“Yes,
OK? I want you to touch me more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

Her head drops to her chest, not in a sign of defeat but one that lets me know she needs me still. Even if it’s more than she wants to say.

“Dance for me first. Show me how you were showing off what was mine without my permission.”

Without question she climbs the stairs again, strut
s toward the pole and winds herself around it effortlessly. Her shirt comes off an inch at a time, lifting it with every side to side movement of her hips. Next comes the belt and when she pulls it out of the loops, I tell her to toss it to me. I catch it midair and let my fingers glide over the black and yellow buckle.

“Stop,” I command and she instantly does. “Come here.” I point to the spot between my thighs and before I can say another word, she’s in front of me, her thighs grazing mine.

“You haven’t seen the best part and you’re going to make me stop?”

I hook my finger through her belt loop. Tugging, she falls onto her knees on the edge of my chair, steadying herself with her hands on my thighs. The warmth from the contact seeps through my gray slacks, shooting straight to my cock.

“The best part isn’t anything I can actually see.” I press my hand over her heart.

In the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t be doing this, especially here. I should push her away again for her own good but my life sucks without her in it. Without the sound of her laugh or the feeling of her skin against mine. It hurts to wake up without her hair sprawled across the pillow next to me, body pressed against mine
; kills me not to slide inside of her whenever I feel the need to.

I can’t stop myself, I lean up, skimming my nose along her neck. Her scent invades my nose, reminding me of what I’ve been missing since I made her walk away. I push her so she’s standing straight and run my lips down the center of her chest, over her navel and skim across the top of her jeans.

Her head drops back so the tips of her hair swish over where my hands are resting at the base of her spine, a moan escaping her lips.

Standing up, towering over her, I reach between us and work my tie loose so I can pull it over my head and undo the top few buttons on my shirt. Vanessa’s breath hitches when I slide the tie from my neck and wrap it gently around hers, letting the silk slide over her skin, between her breasts.

“Turn around and brace yourself against the stage.” Once she’s situated and has her legs spread how I like, I step up against her, grinding myself into her ass. I pull her hair to one side so I can see her face and then flip the tie so it’s running down her back. “I really shouldn’t be touching you while you’re intoxicated, but I can’t seem to help myself.”