And then there was the main floor—where we all had been born. It was as big as the United States, but most the action took place in the northeast corner in an area about the size of Washington D.C. This was where the Demons lived. We were born in Hell and we were the loyal army of Satan, my dad. Many Demons took the portals back and forth to Earth for pleasure and work. I'd never been allowed to go. Besides, I’d rather stay in Hell with my family no matter how dysfunctional we might be.
It was a huge misconception that my father created all the chaos and evil on Earth. Mortals were given free will by my Uncle God, and they created evil all by their lonesome. My dad got to punish the you know what out of those idiots who choose to be heinously bad. And quite honestly some of them deserved my dad’s wrath. He loved his job.
Another misconception is that Hell is below and Heaven is above. What does that even mean? Nothing is up or down, that’s just human mythology. Most likely the mistake was made because Hell was occasionally called the Underworld. Hell and Heaven are simply on different planes, accessible through portals. Earth was modeled after a combination of the seasons, climates and terrains of Heaven and Hell. We all shared the same moon and sun and stars.
I’d been raised to be grateful to evil-doers, because without them Demons would not exist. Demons derived their power and magic from the chaos and evil of others. So while we don’t necessarily cause it, we thrive on it or feed on it so to speak. Lest anyone forget, my dad’s brother God dealt out the free will thing, not my dad. And now to combat his error in judgment, God and his army of Angels keep trying to end evil so my dad and his people
, including me
, will cease to exist. No offense, but God really screwed himself by letting men and women choose their own paths. If he wanted everyone to be good, he should have come up with a better plan. My dad finds this particular subject hilarious.
I was the black sheep of my family. There was my dad, me and the Seven Deadly Sins. My dad had been around since time began, and as history implied he was quite the ladies man. It was an irony that he had no sons, but as I learned in sex ed, the sperm determines the sex of the child so my dad was to blame for the overload of estrogen in Hell. However, his pregnant consort Amanda was possibly pregnant with a boy. That small fact could upset the hierarchy in Hell and had sent the Sins into a tailspin, especially my sister Wrath.
After a particularly violent and ugly episode where she'd tried to off Amanda and failed thanks to my cousin Astrid, she'd been punished—harshly. She and two of my other screw-up sisters, Lust and Greed, had been sent to Nirvana to be taught a lesson by Mother Nature. My stomach roiled at the thought. I knew Gigi liked me, but punishment by her hand even scared my dad.
My black sheep status stemmed from my inability to derive pleasure from evil. I assumed that was why I had no power or magic. This infuriated my dad to no end. He told me I had the potential to be the strongest of all his children. That was definitely a responsibility I didn’t want. My punishment, as I saw it, was to attend group therapy to learn to become a harbinger of evil.
Well, I suppose everyone had to start somewhere. "I'm ready to kick some ass," I blurted to the shocked trio.
Myrtle grinned with excitement. "Now you're talking."
I prayed silently to my cousin Jesus that I wouldn't regret my new and improved attitude and that I'd be able to walk later.
Chapter 9
I was sore and bruised, but amazingly I'd held my own—or they'd just taken it easy on me. Carl punched like a bomb and Myrtle was no slouch. The big surprise was Janet. She was the reason I would have difficulty sitting for a few days. As a Demon I healed fast, but a beating is a beating. The pride they took in the black eyes and bruised ribs I dished out was encouraging, but I felt terrible for injuring them. And now on top of everything I'd been summoned to the Dark Palace for a party. My father's shindigs were infamous and I hoped to Hell I wasn't going to be featured this evening. Being summoned to the Dark Palace was not always a good sign. More often than not it was a very bad sign.
The Dark Palace was Satan’s main residence and the home I grew up in. It was a sight to behold, and to me it was the loveliest place in Hades. It was nestled on about a thousand acres of the most beautiful and fertile property in Hell. Trust me, Hell was fertile and I’m not talking about the fact that I have seven sisters and a sibling on the way. . .Our climate was warm, breezy and balmy year round. Hell had more varieties of exotic plants, trees and flowers than Heaven did. My dad shoved that in his brother's face every chance he had.
The palace property was loaded with streams, ponds, rolling hills and meadows filled with blindingly colorful wildflowers. My bungalow was tucked into the far northwest corner of my father’s land. My corner boasted huge weeping cherry trees, orchids and scads of bougainvillea.
The palace itself sat on forty very manicured acres. It looked like a giant Gothic cathedral. It was the grandest castle in the world including Heaven, Hell and everything in between.
I arrived early, handed my Porsche over to the valet Demon and made my way to the palace entrance. I was a little nervous. I was guessing my deportment date would be handed down this evening, but I couldn’t imagine my Father would make it such a public event.
I’d dressed with care. My father expected no less from his daughters. My smokin' hot Stella McCartney dress and my Prada stilettos were the typical uniform that was expected. I carefully made my way to the huge carved teak doors guarded by the vicious Hell Hounds.
Vicious, my rear end. Another very well kept secret in Hell. . .the Hell Hounds were just big ugly puppies with razor sharp fangs and claws. I loved them and they loved me. The two that normally guarded the Palace entrance were my favorites, General George Patton and Bambi. They’d slept in my room when I was a child and I’d secretly pretended Bambi was my mother—a five hundred pound snaggle-toothed mother.
I was tempted to run up and bury my face in Bambi's fur, but I knew better. Appearances counted, and no one in Hell was to be privy to how sweet the Hounds really were. Not that they weren't deadly. . .they were, but only to the enemies of my father.
I was disappointed that General George wasn't standing duty, but I was delighted to see Bambi. She purred as I passed. I blew her a quick kiss. I missed them terribly. Their fur was so soft and silky and they smelled like brownies.
"Hi Bambi," I whispered when I was sure no one was watching. "I wish General George was here too."
"He's a little busy, but he sends his love."
I froze and gaped at her.
"Did you hear me?" she asked excitedly.
Her lips never moved, but her eyebrows waggled like crazy.
"Is that you, Bambi?" I asked, sure I was going nuts.
"Yes! Your powers are near if you can hear me. I've waited so long for this, my sweet child."
"Um. . .are you talking through your eyebrows?" I didn't want to insult her, but I had to know.
"Oh yes, dear. We eat with our mouths and talk through our brows. Never have bad breath that way." She leaned in and quietly informed me, "And we've been known to poop rainbows."
I bit down on my lips hard and tried to stifle my laugh. She made bizarre sense and that concerned me, but I was so happy to talk to her I ignored the oddities and the ass shooting rainbows part.
"Have you always been able to talk?"
"Yes, of course, but you couldn't hear us until you were ready," she replied.
"Can everyone hear you?"
"No, no, only the special ones. Your cousin Astrid could hear us," she said as she giggled joyously.
That didn't surprise me at all. Astrid was a True Immortal and as special as they come. I couldn't wait to visit her on Earth no matter how crabby her pregnancy had made her.
"I feel like crying," I told her as I leaned in for comfort. "I used to pretend you were my mom."
"I know, baby. I love you like my own and I always will. Go in to the party before someone sees us. Maybe I could come over for a sleepover before you leave."
"I would love that. Do you promise?" I asked.
"Do I promise what?" a thin and nasal voice demanded. "Dixie, what are you doing loitering on the front steps with the animals? It's not fitting and your father will not be pleased."
My father's pregnant consort Amanda looked me over with disdain.
"I was just. . ." I mumbled as I tried to think up a legit lie.
"Were you talking to your imaginary
friend
?" Her condescending laugh grated on my ears and brought tingling to my fingertips. My sisters could give me all the crap they wanted about Blanche—they loved me. This bitch could not.
I turned and leveled her with a stare I'd learned from my father. To my great delight she backed off in fear. "What I do and whom I speak to is no concern of yours, Amelia," I said in a voice I didn't know I possessed.
"My name is Amanda," she hissed, drawing up to her full height, which was a good six inches less than mine. At five foot nine I dwarfed her.
"Whoops." I smiled and shrugged. "My bad. And
Amanda
, I wouldn't call the Hell Hounds animals. They get insulted easily and they're always hungry."
Her overly made up eyes widened in terror and she made a hasty retreat back into the palace. Why the Hell my father decided to knock this one up was beyond me. Sure, she was beautiful, but he'd had some fantastic consorts over the years. For the life of me, I didn't get this one.
"You might want to try being nice to your father's lover," Cole, my father's second in command, admonished me as he stepped out of the shadows. Geez, this freakin’ guy was everywhere.
"Yep, you're right. However, that goes both ways, Cole, and my father's consort is rude."
"She's an elder and should be respected. She carries the heir to Hell in her body," he said reverently.
That was up for debate according to my sisters, who were positive the child wasn't my dad's, but I had no desire to debate that rumor with the humor-free Cole.
"You're right, Cole."
His eyes shot to mine in surprise. "So you will apologize?"
"I certainly will," I gushed sweetly. "As soon as she apologizes to me."
With that I brushed past him and made my entrance into the palace. I could swear I heard Bambi giggle as I left a shocked Cole in my wake.
***
“Dixie,” Stella squealed as she ran up to me. “Damn, you look hot!”
I was so glad to see a familiar face I was shaking. I hadn’t realized how nervous and uncomfortable dealing with Cole and Amanda made me, plus I was thrown by the electricity in my fingertips and Bambi's talking eyebrows. I squeezed her hard. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m not sure.” She giggled and adjusted her black Armani shift. She was the cutest Demon in Hell, with her wild ginger curls and freckles on her little turned-up nose. “Mom and Dad informed me about an hour ago that we were coming to the Dark Palace. What gives?” she asked as she tucked a stray hair behind my ear.
“I have no clue.” I was bewildered and getting worried. Still no sign of my dad. That was not so unusual, as he did love to make an entrance. “I thought I was coming here for my deportment date.”
“Your dad wouldn't announce that in front of this many people.”
“My thoughts exactly,” I agreed, but I was still uncertain.
“Is Blanche here?” Stella asked as she ran her hands through the air and tried to grab my invisible friend.
“I don’t. . .” I began.
“Yes, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.” Blanche appeared. “You think I’d miss an overblown array of disgusting wealth and power like this?”
“She’s here,” I told Stella.
“Hi Blanche,” Stella whispered as she desperately tried to see her.
“Tell her hi back,” Blanche said.
“Blanche says hi.” I grabbed Stella’s hand as she started to trip over her very high heeled Manolo Blahniks.
“Holy Hell,” she gasped, clutching my arm like a vise. “Does Blanche look a whole lot like you, but with ice blue eyes and better boobs?”
What was she talking about? Blanche’s boobs weren't better than mine. They might be a tad bit bigger, but. . . “Oh my Satan, can you see her?” I was shocked.
“I think so.” Stella was thrilled and so was Blanche. “She’s gorgeous.”
“Of course I am.” Blanche laughed and tossed her locks. “And so are you.”
Stella let go of my arm and moved toward Blanche. “No!” she cried. “Where did she go?”
“She’s still right there,” I said as I pointed to Blanche, who hadn’t moved.
“I can’t see her anymore.”
“Have her hold your hand, Dixie,” Blanche instructed. I grabbed Stella’s hand and wondered if any of the Demons around us were paying attention to our bizarre conversation.
“She’s back,” Stella whispered reverently. “I have to touch you to see her. It’s like she’s another part of you."
Blanche approached us, smiling. She did look a lot like me except for her eyes. They were a crisp, clear icy blue and mine were as gold as they came.
“I can’t stay,” Blanche told us. “But it’s so nice to finally meet you, Stella. You are so special to my Dixie, and for that I love you.” She disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
“Can you call her back?” Stella asked.
“Sometimes, but Blanche has her own agenda. I’m glad you can finally see her.”
“Yeah.” Stella sighed wistfully. “I wish we had figured out the touch thing a long time ago. There’s something really different about Blanche.”
“What do you mean?” I agreed, but I was curious for her answer.
“I can’t put my finger on it,” she mused. “I’ll figure it out.” She smiled and hugged me. “People are headed to the Grand Ballroom. Shall we?”
I cracked all the joints on both my left and right hands, leaned back and popped my aching sternum and finished off with my sore hips. “Yes, we shall.”
Chapter 10
The Grand Ballroom was a gross show of obscene wealth and my father loved it. The marble floors were encrusted with precious gemstones: rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds and ten of the most gorgeous crystal chandeliers ever created spilled down from the ceilings.