Hold My Hand (10 page)

“I’m not angry with your
tears. They’re beautiful to me. But right now, we’re working at you
acknowledging that beauty. Repeat after to me. I am perfect.”

I swallowed and when I
spoke, my voice was scratchy but audible. “I am perfect.”

William leaned in and kissed
the tip of my nose. “Again, sweet Aubrey.”

“I am perfect.” My voice was
louder still.

William leaned in. He smiled
this time before kissing the tip of my nose again. When he nodded,
I responded with conviction, “I am perfect.” I could almost feel
the warmth begin to flow out of my words.

“You are perfect, and I plan
to make sure one day you believe those words. We’ll practice often
until you do.” With one more kiss on my nose, leaving me wanting
for more, William stroked my cheeks to wipe away my tears before
opening his car door.

I hadn’t even realized we’d
arrived at our destination.

*****

Three days was a long time.
It had been seventy-one hours, to be exact, since I’d seen William.
He flew out on business just after our afternoon together. We had
spoken on the phone briefly and he surprised me with flowers on
Thursday but I missed his presence. Even before I knew him, I’d
seen him so often in the coffee shop. Now simply having him nearby
did something to me that I hadn’t yet figured out.

It shouldn’t have been a
shock when I flung myself at him as he arrived to pick me up on
Friday evening. Yet it took all of us –William, Baylor and I- by
surprise. What was I thinking? I froze when I realized the show I’d
just put on until I felt William’s arms tighten around me and his
deep chuckle rang out.

“
I’m going to take
this as you missing me, sweet Aubrey.” William whispered as he
carried me back towards the car.

“I’m sorry,” I immediately
choked out.

“I actually think I rather
liked it.” William grinned down at me. I earned another smile and
found myself luxuriating in the feel of it as he held me as if I
weighed nothing. William waited for Baylor to open the back door
and deposited me on the seat.

“Thank you, Baylor.” I
regarded him with a shy smile, rather uncertain about the display
he’d witnessed. I wondered what he must be thinking.

Once William seated himself
and Baylor got us on the road, William reassured me, “Don’t be
embarrassed in front of Baylor. He’s paid well to see everything
and say nothing.”

I sighed, relieved, and sank
into William’s warmth as we made our way to his house on the
outskirts of Boston. It was a long enough ride for me to slowly get
beyond my excitement over seeing him again and merge into my
anxiety of our first full weekend since my birth control shot.
William had yet to take me, as he phrased it, and I was certain
that was on the list of this weekend’s activities.

As I shivered, William
stroked my arm, “Ah, there you go. Let yourself consider all the
possibilities of our weekend ahead.” How was it he could read me so
well?

I’d been thinking about my
first time since I was old enough to understand what the act of sex
was. I dreamed of it being with my husband. I wasn’t necessarily
saving myself though I hadn’t -until William- found a man whom I
wanted to sleep with. I was well aware that being twenty-four and a
virgin was unusual. Still, sex required an element of vulnerability
that I had no desire to feel.

The doctor William sent me
to found it difficult to believe I was a virgin. I was grateful for
her though because she had a warmth about her that enabled me to
feel comfortable in asking questions. Embarrassing or not, there
were just some things I had to know. I had questions my sisters or
mother had never answered, reminding me that we’d have that
discussion on my wedding night. What would they think of me now if
they only knew?

Ugh, my family. I spoke to
my mother weekly, typically on Wednesday evenings since my father
was out of the house and there was no risk of him answering. I had
no desire to speak to him and did everything I could to stay away.
During college, I got away with not returning home for Thanksgiving
since I volunteered in a homeless shelter. During the summer, I
took extra classes to graduate early. I only went home for
Christmas and those few days were enough to set me back for the
year. Here it was autumn already, the leaves just now turning and I
was thinking up an excuse not to go home this holiday season at
all.

When I was younger, I’d
dream of my mother standing up for me. She would speak back to my
father when he called me names. That was only a dream. Aside from
our family outings to church, I received no reprieve from my
father’s constant berating. The most I knew I could hope for was
escape so I kept my head down and my grades up, was accepted with a
scholarship to a college far away and ran without looking back.

How my sisters coped
so much better than I was something I didn’t think I’d ever
understand just as they couldn’t understand my desire to stay away.
Though I didn’t talk often to Sabrina, Evelyn and I stayed in
contact. She most understood me despite our differences. Still,
nearly every time we spoke, Evelyn would ask why I couldn’t forgive
my father. She’d make excuses that worked to ease her own burden
but didn’t work for me.

My mother was less direct.
She’d tell me all about the good things my father had done lately.
She’d remind me they missed me. I’d respond in kind but then count
the minutes until I could hang up the phone. Happy to have so much
distance between us, I remained in Boston after my graduation. With
my family all living in the same town in Ohio, I was a safe
distance away from the burdens of my childhood. Now, if only I
could forget the words once spoken… if only it were as simple as
William supposed, needing only to say ‘I am perfect’ enough to
believe it.

*****

“
Go up to the bedroom,
take off your clothes and lie down. I’ll be there shortly.” The
command startled me from the cocoon of his arms where I laid
against him watching a documentary on a sustainable community
William developed in Afghanistan. He was leafing through a
magazine.

Once we’d arrived at his
home, we ate the meal his housekeeper had prepared and relaxed
together. Though I’d taken my shoes off and followed protocol,
there were no other commands and no sexual advances at all. I’d
knelt before him simply to be lifted onto his lap to be held.
Actually, our evening had a flair of domesticity to it but I
suspected that was all going to change.

His words barely had time to
register actively before my body responded. Without a word, I moved
immediately to climb the stairs. My heart rate accelerated at the
anticipation of what was to come and I had to refrain from
scampering up the stairs.

After I stripped off my
clothes and laid myself down, I heard his footsteps. Thankfully,
I’d gotten over my shyness about nudity last weekend when I spent
most of the time in just one of William’s large shirts. I still
didn’t think I was anything special but I’d admit to being decent
to look at. I was contemplating the faults of my body when I heard
his voice.

“
Good girl. Flat on
your back. Arms over your head,” William instructed and I moved
without a thought. “Beautiful. You’ve gotten less shy with your
body. This is good.”

I watched as William
removed his shirt and stood before me in his faded jeans he’d
changed into when we arrived earlier. He walked to the headboard
and I heard movement just before I felt the braided rope on first
one wrist and then the other. He did the knots with such an ease of
movement, I suspected came from years of experience with other
subs. A stinging pang of jealousy hit but I closed myself off from
it. I was here with William now, just me, just Aubrey.
No one special.

He walked around the bed
again and I took in the sight of him. William’s body was sculpted
to be powerful. The long angular muscles running along his back,
his arms and across his chest screamed of strength. He unbuttoned
his jeans and pushed them down his softly furred legs. He had no
underwear on and when he stood again, I got my first view of him
naked. I was awestruck. With his dark hair trailing down his chest
and tanned skin, his masculine form was spectacular. I had to push
away feelings of inadequacy as I contemplated his attraction to
someone like me.

“What was that look, little
elf?” William didn’t miss the thought that crossed my face. Dammit,
he didn’t miss anything.

“I was admiring you,” I
admitted the half-truth.

“And then…” He let his
sentence hang and waited.

“And then I wondered how a
man like you could be attracted to me,” I looked away when I gave
him the rest of my truth.

“
We’ll work on that,”
he said firmly as he folded my legs at the knee and tied my ankles
to my thighs with the same soft braided rope. He stroked and
kneaded my muscles. If I weren’t tied, I would’ve likely melted
into the bed itself.

“We’ll work on what?” I
asked before his palm hit the side of my thigh as a reminder we’d
entered a scene. “Sir. We’ll work on what, sir?”

“Your belief in yourself,
little elf. Now watch quietly until I ask you to speak.”

“
Yes sir.” I watched,
fascinated by the bold color against my light skin. I felt each
stroke of his hand, every tug of the rope.

He pinched at my
nipples before winding the same colored rope around my torso. He
lavished them with attention each time the rope surrounded me.
Everything on my body was on fire, my body pulsed with a need to be
touched. I tugged on the restraints though I didn’t want to be
freed. Was it instinct to fight?

“This is for pleasure. I
won’t bind you for a punishment unless you requested it. There’s no
need to fight the bonds. I enjoy seeing you bound in my rope and I
suspect you’ll enjoy being held in my binds.” William talked as he
worked methodically creating patterns with the rope around my naked
flesh, looping the soft braid from one arm to the other and across
my body.

I focused on stilling
myself, not to resist him. I slowed my breathing, focusing as he’d
shown me to do last week. I took stock of my body –from top to
bottom– my eyes felt heavy, my head spun, my flesh warmed, my
breasts firmed with turgid tips straining for more attention still,
my stomach fluttered and my sex. Dear God, my sex was on fire – so
hot and wet. I realized in this position, he could see how wet I
was. I turned my knees to the side in an effort to limit the
exposure but he only chuckled and pulled them apart again.

He sat on his knees between
my feet. I met his gaze and he smiled just before I felt his hands
trail up to find my center. Without time to accustom myself to his
touch, he thrust two fingers inside me. He stroked roughly in and
out, grinning down at me as I struggled to remain quiet.

“You don’t need to be quiet,
little elf. On the contrary, I’d love to hear your moans. Give them
to me. They belong to me, don’t you think?”

I swallowed and averted my
gaze from him, embarrassed by my wetness. His slap reminded me I
hadn’t answered him. “We’re going to need more than a slap if you
continue to be rude when we play.”

He immediately had my
attention at the soft threat. “Yes sir. I mean, no sir. I – I’m
still learning.” I rambled, not sure how much I was allowed to say.
His words lit a fire deep inside my belly. I was desperate for his
touch, for William to relieve this new ache building inside me.
Burning and so humiliated that this would turn me on, I closed my
eyes to the truth.

His breath was against me
when he spoke softly. “Open your eyes. Don’t be embarrassed. This
should feel good. Your reactions are precisely as I imagined them
to be.”

How could this be
right? Allowing him to treat me this way and be turned on by it?
Perhaps I am bad, perhaps it’s true.
You are a bad girl, a little heathen.
I shook my head to relieve my father’s
voice from my thoughts. He didn’t belong in this moment. This was
my chance for a new life, a chance to find a place that felt right.
Submitting to William felt right. Nothing had ever felt more
right.

Breaking me away from my
thoughts, William pulled his fingers from me and my eyes sprung
open. His fingers were dripping with my juices. Bringing them to my
lips, he turned my head and dipped them into my parted mouth.
“Taste yourself, little elf, taste how much you desire me.”

Cautious at first, I licked
his fingers. My arousal glistened on his large fingers. I tasted
myself mixed with him and something inside me snapped, came loose,
and I lapped at the wetness, sucking on his fingers and moaning.
His flavor mixed with my own was erotic. It was overwhelming and
absolutely, deliciously scandalous. I couldn’t help myself as I
craved more, more of this man, more of us.

He continued this cycle
several more times. His fingers dipped into me, working in and out
until I was nearly breathless and then he brought his fingers to my
mouth. I cleaned him greedily and moaned for more.

“Are you ready, little elf?”
William asked.

“Yes sir,” I readily
assented.

“You’re certain?” William
persists in getting my approval, his lips quirked up as if he’d
found something humorous. “It’ll hurt a bit but only for a moment
before, I assure you, your pleasure will take over.”

“Please, I understand. I
want this.” My head pitched from side to side as he used his thumb
to stroke over that tiny protruding bud of pleasure. The sensations
were too intense for me to stay still a moment longer.

When I thought I couldn’t
stand any more, William positioned his cock to my core and slid his
shaft in quickly –and yet not quick enough– before pulling back out
again. I felt every sinew of his muscle as it scraped against me,
the pressure as he entered more fully and pulled out again. He
pushed in again and then held still. I was so tight and yet my body
accommodated him.