Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces) (11 page)

“Okay,” Elias said. “I’ll let her know.” He glanced at Jayden. “They’re waiting for you in the visitor’s room.”

“Just give me a min.”

Elias stared at him for a moment then nodded. “Just don’t be long. They have a full schedule today.”

“Thanks, man.”

Jayden moved closer to me as Elias left.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I wanted to ask who was waiting for him but held my tongue. I didn’t want him to come with me to see Mia, so I couldn’t expect him to let me go with him to his appointment. The curiosity was killing me, however.

Jayden ran his fingers through his hair. “You know, Lucy, at some point, you’re going to have to tell me about your past.”

“I know.” I reached up and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “You will, too.”

I watched him flinch and knew that Jayden carried just as many demons as I did. Who was I kidding? While our budding romance was a comfort in this place, it wasn’t anything lasting. We were too broken. There was too much baggage to unload. Our pasts would suffocate the connection between us, and then where we’d be? Right back where we started, or worse.

I lowered my hand as a hollow hole opened up in my chest. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay.” He looked as if he was going to say something, but changed his mind. “Take care of yourself.”

“You, too.” I turned away and started back to my room. I could feel Jayden’s gaze upon my back, but never looked over my shoulder, not once. It was better this way, I told myself. I had to create some distance, for both our sakes. Dr. Polanski was right. Romantic relationships just got in the way of our healing. I was better off facing my demons alone.

I just wished that being alone didn’t hurt so damn much.

Chapter Nine

I’m not above admitting that I used Iris to avoid Jayden.

We had spent the morning in group therapy together and had really connected. I learned that she suffered from hypochondria, mysophobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, and a bunch of other disorders that meant she was afraid of getting sick and liked to have everything organized in her life. Not only did it explain the weirdness about the bathrooms, but I now understood why keeping the bedroom clean was so important to her. The relief in her eyes when I opened the door or brushed off a chair was palpable. In exchange for my considerations, I discovered that she was an excellent listener. While I wasn’t ready to share any of my own past with her, I freely told her about Jayden and my concerns for him.

“So do you think you can distract him this afternoon?” I asked on the way to Rec Therapy. “I don’t want him to meet Mia.”  I had told him not to bother coming to see Mia with me this afternoon, but part of me felt that he might ignore that request and try to go anyway.

Just like I tried to spy on him this morning. Unfortunately, Dr. Polanski caught me snooping around the visiting rooms and sent me back to group, scolding me all the way.

I was officially ten points in the hole. Since I had already made the appointment with Mia, they let me keep it, but I had to earn other privileges if I wanted them.

“You do realize how unfair you’re being,” Iris said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” Iris waited for me to open a door for her. “You want to know everything that’s going on in his life, but you’re unwilling to share yours.”

“It’s different.”

“Is it?” She walked by me and into the common area.

I pressed my lips together in frustration. “Yes,” I said after a moment. “I’m sure there’s nothing in Jayden’s past that’s unforgivable. Mine’s a different story.”

Iris stopped and turned to face me. “You keep saying that, but look around.” She waved her arm at the room behind her. “Everyone here has done some pretty messed-up things. That’s why we’re here.” She hesitated a moment before responding. “I think you need to give Jayden more credit. You might be surprised what he’s capable of accepting.”

I glanced over her shoulder at the room. “Where are the dogs?”

“The what?” Iris asked.

“The dogs.” I frowned at group of patients sitting in folding chairs. “Howlistic Healers.”

Iris giggled. “What a terrible name.”

“Come on.” I reached out to grab her hand, but she moved out of my reach. “Sorry.” I had forgotten how much she didn’t like to be touched.

“No problem.”

“Follow me.” I waved my arm I the air and strode over to Dr. Polanski. “What’s going on?” I asked as we approached.

The good doctor, dressed all in green, looked up from her clipboard. “Ah Lucy. So glad of you to make it.” She made a notation on her clipboard and nodded to the big crate in the middle of the circle. “Feel free to take an instrument.”

“I thought we were going to be with the dogs today.” Not that I wasn’t disappointed. I hated those damn dogs, even told my mother as much, but the commotion they caused would have been the perfect distraction to keep Jayden at arm’s length.

“They were pulled, Lucy.” Dr. Polanski frowned at me from behind her glasses. “Your mother called and pulled the Howlistic Healers from our program.”

“Oh.” This was difficult to digest. I had told her to do this during my parents’ visit yesterday, but I never really expected my mother to follow through. All of my life she had been doing things her own way. To have her actually listen to me was a little mind-blowing.

“So, since we don’t have the dogs, I now need to come up with something else for our patient volunteer program. We’ll also have to go back to our regular routine for Rec Therapy.” Dr. Polanski nodded toward the box. “Today is music lessons.”

I slid my gaze away from hers and toward the box. Iris was already there, picking out a triangle. Lovely. I walked over and knelt beside the musical instruments. I was a little late in coming, so there weren’t too many left. I choose a tambourine and looked for Iris.

She was sitting to the left of the group, close to Jayden. There was one seat between them.
So much for avoiding him.
I frowned at Iris, who shrugged.

I took the seat between them. As soon as my butt hit the chair, Jayden leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“Missed you at lunch.”

My heart immediately sped up at the sound of his voice. Desire raced through my bloodstream. I shifted in my seat, trying to relieve some of the tension in my lower abdomen.

“I wasn’t hungry,” I whispered back.

He leaned back and studied my face. “You’re avoiding me again, why?”

Damn him for being so astute. Thankfully, Dr. Polanski chose that moment to speak.

“Good afternoon, everyone…” She droned on about the how the dogs wouldn’t be coming back and how we had to settle for the instruments.

It was hard not to roll my eyes. The good doctor made it seem like it was my fault that the class couldn’t have the stupid mutts. She said that they’d find some other type of volunteer work to help prepare patients to re-enter society and that they’d take things on a case-by-case basis. I felt a flash of guilt over having taken Jayden’s volunteer work away from him, but it was short-lived. The doctor would find something else for him to do and the less I was reminded of my parents, the better.

Besides, a small part of me, a very selfish part, didn’t want Jayden to re-enter society. If he left this place, then I’d be completely and totally alone.

“I’m sorry, these were the only chairs left in the circle,” Iris whispered as the doctor began to sing.

I ignored Iris and tired to focus on the class. It was difficult with Jayden sitting next to me and radiating testosterone. The man was too smart for his own good. I knew that he’d want some explanation for me avoiding him. The honest answer of ‘I’m afraid if you knew about my past you’d leave me’ probably wouldn’t cut it. What was I going to do?

Somehow I muddled through the class, singing where I was supposed to and keeping silent when appropriate. Jayden had a wonderful voice, a soft tenor that would bring any girl to her knees. When he sang, it took a lot of willpower not to sit there and gawk at him like a schoolgirl. Did he have to be so perfect?

As the last song ended, Mia stepped into the room and waved to me. I mumbled a quick “See ya” to Jayden, tossed my instruments into the basket and intercepted her advance.

“Let’s go down to the visitor station for coffee.” I grabbed her elbow and pulled her out into the hall. I didn’t have the points for coffee downstairs but knew that they were letting me go into the hole for visiting with Mia. What were a few more points for a decent cup o’ joe? Besides, I needed to get Mia off this floor, before Jayden talked to her and learned something about my past.

She glanced over my shoulder at the rest of the group. “I though that we could sit up here and you could introduce me to some of your friends.”

“Maybe some other time. I could really use some good coffee—not the dirt water they make up here.” I tugged on her arm and glanced over my shoulder at Jayden, who was staring at us with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Okay, I guess.” She let me lead her from the room and down the hall. Once we were out of earshot of the common area, I finally let myself breathe again.

“Is there something wrong?” Mia asked.

“No, why?”

She glanced down to where I gripped her elbow. “Because you’re acting a little weird.”

“Oh, sorry. Just nerves, I guess. I was never good with crowds.”

“No, I guess not.” Mia didn’t seem to believe my excuse, but to her credit, she let it slide. We stopped off at the reception area, where I convinced the receptionist to let me go deeper into point debt just this once. At this rate, I’d be going to Tai Chi for a month to make up the deficit, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of there.

“Just make sure she’s back in an hour,” the receptionist told Mia.

Mia agreed and we made our way to the elevators. I pressed the button and glanced over my shoulder. Jayden was coming down the hall toward us, Iris in tow.
Thanks a lot, roomie.
I steeled my jaw and pressed the button again.

“Lucy, are you sure you’re all right?” Mia asked.

“Couldn’t be better.” I watched the numbers as they blinked on top of the elevator door.
Come on…

The receptionist stopped Jayden as the elevator door opened. I grabbed Mia’s arm and slipped inside. My friend gave me a puzzled look but didn’t say anything. Tension filled the elevator as we started our descent.

I knew I had to say something, but I wasn’t ready to talk about Jayden. At least, not yet.

“How did the interview go?” I asked instead.

“Good,” Mia smiled. “I got the internship. Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah.”

She frowned but said nothing. The elevator opened, and we went to get our coffee. She got a latte with extra froth, I had my usual black. We found a table by a window and sat. Soon an awkward silence descended upon us.

“Are you okay with me working here?” she asked after a moment.

I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know.” She warmed her hands on her cup. “You’re just not as excited as I thought you’d be.”

Excited that she was using my sickness for her own personal gain? Gee, why wouldn’t I feel happy about that?

Mia sighed. “Look, if you don’t want me here, then just say it. I’ll find another internship.”

“I don’t want you here.”

“Lucy.” The hurt expression pulled at my heartstrings—or what was left of them. I took a sip of my coffee to cover my guilt.

Mia ran her fingers under her eyes and rested her head in her hands. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you keep pushing me away?”

I shrugged. “Because I’m not worth it.” I stared at my coffee and blinked the tears from my eyes. “Let’s face it, Mia. You’ve moved on and I’m still stuck in the past. I’m not worth your time.” I sniffed. “I’ll only drag you down.”

“Oh Lucy.” Mia reached out and covered my hand. “You are
so
worth time.” She patted my fingers. “And sometimes looks can be deceiving.”

Against my better judgment, I squeezed her fingers. “You’re wrong, but thanks.”

Mia sighed. “I never told anyone this, but…” She let go of my hand and straightened in her chair. “I’ve always felt guilty that I was sick that night.”

I frowned at her and took another sip of coffee. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, Bethany and Kyle were my friends, too. You all needed me, and I wasn’t there for you.”

I shook my head. “You had the flu.”

She stared at me for a long moment. She looked as if she was about to say something, but then changed her mind. “Yeah, there was that.” She looked down at her latte and played with the paper cup’s edge. “It doesn’t matter. I should have been there.”

“What could you have done?” I leaned my elbows on the table. “Bethany was an emotional basket case and Kyle was out of control.”

“I know.” She looked up and met my gaze. “I could have driven Bethany home. Given you and Kyle some alone time.”

I shook my head as the memories flooded back to me. “No. She didn’t want to leave Kyle’s side. She was worried about him—and me, I guess. She never would have left us alone.”

“But you and Kyle—”

“We had a fight and weren’t speaking to each other.” I swallowed the lump in my throat as tears stung my eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing would have changed.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

I nodded, unable to say more.

“What happened that night?”

I focused on my cup. “Kyle and I had fought, just like we always did at those parties. I had gone off to cry and he went off to drink.”

“Oh honey.” Mia put her fingers over mine. “What did you fight about?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the tears.

“Bethany was supposed to be the designated driver, right? But something happened and she end up in the back seat,” Mia said.

“Yeah, she did.”

“I wish I was there. I could have driven you both home and left Kyle’s obnoxious ass at the party.”

I chuckled. “Me, too. I could have really used a friend that night.”