Authors: Hannah Harvey
I think the staff thought I’d finally gone mad, this silent staring girl, scribbling away for hours with such intensity. My dad seemed genuinely pleased that I’d found an interest, he kept his promise and gave me the most beautiful pen set, and bought me new notebooks as well, beautiful fabric covered ones, leather bound ones, he even promised me a typewriter when I got home, because he remembered me saying once that I loved the sound of typewriters. I felt so attached to him that I started crying, he thought he’d upset me, and I still couldn’t speak to reassure him. So I pulled a page from one of my notebooks, scribbled across it four little words,
I love you Daddy
. I handed him the page and he read it, and then started weeping himself. He took me in his arms and we both just cried.
When my mother arrived she looked at us like we were mad, that I had dragged my father into my own madness. You see my father was the first one to start showing his emotions; he started talking to me more, bringing me more books and talking to me about his work.
I’ve given so much credit to you Oliver, for a long time I thought you were the only one who understood, the only one who tried to pull me out of my darkness, and you’ve done so much, you deserve the credit for so much of who I am becoming, I wish I had the courage to send this to you, so that you’d know how much you’ve meant to me. But I think, now that I look back, that it would be unfair to say that you were the sole reason I’m getting better, because without my father’s loving care, without him bringing me those notebooks, and sitting and talking to me, and telling me that it was ok that I couldn’t talk back. I don’t think I would have been open to writing these letters, so my father played a big role in getting me here as well.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently, and I’ve decided it was entirely unhealthy how I was acting, like you were my life raft and without you I’d start sinking into the abyss, I don’t think it’s safe to rely so very completely on any one person, however kind and wonderful they are, however much they love you and you love them. I needed a support system, and you were a part of that system that I needed so much, I still do at times and wish that I could see you, or call you, or receive a letter from you. I wish I could send you this, but I know I can’t, your sister made me see that when she visited me, she warned me not to get too close, she made me see how foolish I was being.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have it now, I have a support system, me and my dad talk a lot about what’s been going on with me, and I do owe that to you, because without you I don’t think I could be so open with him. I don’t have my letters so I couldn’t show him those, but I find it a lot easier now to talk about all that stuff, so he’s getting the verbal version. My mother, although it took her a while to break through her own barriers, is now finding it a lot easier to talk about emotions, she’s apologized for everything she did to make me feel like she wasn’t proud of me, she’d been brought up in a house where grades and image were everything, and she felt terrible that she’d made my home like that as well, me and her are working through our issues, and I feel as though we’re in a better place than ever now.
I’m going to therapy once a week and actually talking, and once every four weeks my parents come and we have a family session, I think it helps them as much as it’s helping me. I also go to a group session once a month, with other kids who have been suffering with anorexia, I’ve made some amazing friends there, and I draw support from them.
My system contains more than you now, and I think that’s good, even though I have to remind myself that sometimes. I think this is how it ought to be, but it doesn’t stop me missing you. I spoke about you in group session this week, my friend Freda thinks you sound amazing, I told her that you were. Kylie, another friend, thinks I should contact you and let you know I’m doing ok, I told her I wasn’t ready but maybe in the future. I hope that someday you can be a part of my life again, because without you I’d be leading a very different life.
This really ends the story of how I got to where I was. In the months before you started at the hospital, I wrote all day and finished several books, some of which you’ve read, some that I hate and feel like burning, and a few that I’m actually weirdly proud of.
Then one day this doctor walks in, and he introduces himself and says he’ll be taking over my case, little did I know that he would become someone I couldn’t breathe without, someone I owe so much to, someone who will always hold a special place in my heart. Quite simply, I met someone who would change my life.
Chapter Twenty Two
Oliver
3
He slowly and nervously opened his eyes, his heart beating fast as he looked at what he had picked out, because although at first he hadn’t felt nervous, right now he was starting to feel sick, because this was a huge step, and even though he knew this was what he wanted to do, it was still making his hands shake at the enormity of this sudden decision. The house in front of his eyes was nice, a three bedroomed house with six acres of land, at a price a little over $290,000. He braced himself and then looked at the location, more certain than ever that
whatever it said, he would buy and move into this large house built from wood. One last deep breath and he looks at it, with a slight smile on his face he goes inside the store, walks up to a man with greying hair, who is sat behind an extremely messy desk. Oliver takes the seat opposite him and smiles warmly.
‘Hello sir, how can I help you?’ The man, whose nametag read’s Gary, looks slightly frazzled as i
f he’s had a busy day, but was trying to keep from looking unprofessional.
‘I’ve seen a property in the window which I’m very interested in.’ Oliver replies with surprising control over his voice, keeping any uncertainty or doubt well hidden by his easy going manner, he thinks that is probably a skill he learnt as a doctor, as he is often facing hard and nerve racking situations, but must remain calm and collected, so as not to alarm the patient or their family. Right now he’s pleased he has that skill, because his own calm handling of the situation is calming his heart rate, making him relax into this rash decision.
‘Ah well then let’s see what I can do, which property is it that’s caught your eye?’
‘It’s the wooden one with six acres in South Dakota.’ Oliver replies with certainty, ‘I’d like to make an offer.
‘Oh wow, that quickly?’ Gary raises his eyebrows, his eyes widening in shock. ‘I haven’t even told you the details yet.’
‘I’m not really concerned with the details, this is sort of a – spur of the moment purchase, whatever you tell me about the property will have no effect on my choice, I’ve simply chosen to buy that one, I’m afraid it’s a long story as to why, but I promise I’m not mad and I do have the money.’
‘Well, that particular property came on the market yesterday, the owners have already moved out and were looking for a speedy sale; I’ll give them a ring now. You are sure?’
‘Completely sure thanks.’ Oliver nods his head, pushing down the sick feeling that’s rising in his stomach. After a short wait for the call to be made, and arrangements to be put into place, Oliver stands and shakes Gary’s hand.
‘I’ve never had a sale turn around that quickly.’ Gary shakes his head and rubs his receding hairline; though amusement is evident in his eyes as he watches Oliver, probably looking for signs of eccentric behavior.
‘Thanks for all of your help, this has been far smoother than I would have expected. I wonder if I could possibly trouble you some more though.’
‘Yes of course,’ Gary nods, ‘You’re not buying another house are you?’
‘Not this time,’ he smiles and it’s a genuine smile, ‘no it’s actually the opposite, I find myself in possession of an apartment that I don’t need.’
‘Ah well then you’d best sit back down, I’m afraid this might take a little longer, I will need to take the details and arrange a visit, and there are some other things to take care of.’
‘That’s fine; I don’t have anything else to do today.’ He thinks briefly of sleeping before his shift, but dismisses the idea, he hasn’t exactly been sleeping that much recently,
and so he sits down and starts to go over the details. Letting Gary know that he’ll be moving to South Dakota by the end of the week, and so handing over spare keys to the place, giving Gary the permission to run viewings, and simply inform him of any offers. Gary assures him that property in his part of the city sells quickly, and they both part feeling better than they had before Oliver walked into the office. Oliver as he walks out, finds it remarkable how relaxed he feels, which slightly unnerves him, because he feels like he should be feeling worried, and yet he’s feeling calmer than he has in weeks.
He has so much to think about, packing and hiring a moving truck, telling his parents, telling Amanda, quitting his job at the hospital. He hasn’t been there long and so he won’t need to give notice, that’s the policy the private hospital wrote into his contract, they probably didn’t think he’d leave so
early into his employment, he’d been there just under a year, but it couldn’t be helped because he needed to get away from the city.
He bought packing boxes, called around to get quotes on removal vans, eventually settling on one which wasn’t the cheapest, but had good reviews and was still reasonably priced. He’d arranged for his stuff to be taken to his new house in exactly a week, and on that day he would load up his car with the small stuff, and he’d leave.
Once all of that was in place, and he’d dropped the packing boxes off at home, he’d decided it was time to start telling people. He called the hospital and said he’d be leaving at the end of the week, he sat through a lecture from his boss, but he hardly heard a word of it, catching the ones that were emphasized like
responsibility, foolish, reconsider, loyalty,
and
disappointed.
He felt bad for leaving so suddenly, but he promised he would keep up with his shifts this week. Once that was done, he prepared himself for what would inevitably be hard, he called his parents and asked them if he could come to dinner that night, they agreed readily, as they always did, saying that they didn’t see him half as much as they’d like to, and he felt a pang of guilt at those words, but after saying he’d pick Amanda and Tiff up and they’d all come down, he rang off. He got up and pulled on his jacket, because the early March nights were still cold, and then set out to let Amanda know the plans. He wouldn’t tell her yet though, he’d wait patiently until they were at his parents, and he could use the time to work out how he’d break the news to them.
Chapter Twenty Three
Letter 13
It’s March now and I can’t seem to give up writing these letters, I keep them all locked in the top draw of my white b
edside table. I like having them there, it’s like I still have a link with you, I think that’s one of the reasons I still want to write, even though my story is done, because I hate to think of letting you go, and even though these letters aren’t really a link to you, because you’re not getting them, so you can’t respond, foolishly it still feels like I’m connected to you. I’ve been trying to put on a brave face because I don’t want my parents to start worrying, because I’m finally doing good, but I’m missing you more than I ever imagined, it’s different to what I thought as well, I expected it to be a deep emotional pain, I expected to cry and let the missing you drain me, I thought I’d feel miserable and somewhat broken, I’ve read romance novels and I’ve seen the movies, I know what it’s meant to be like to have your broken heart, and I’m experiencing all of that stuff, but what I didn’t learn from the movies, is the sheer intensity of it, the fact that it’s more than this emotional pain, there’s this indescribably painful ache inside me, it’s a strong physical pain, and I can only hope that it’ll disappear someday. Writing these help, so I’m going to keep writing, tell you about the things that I’m doing, let you know how I’m getting on. Because if we can’t be a part of each other’s lives, then I at least want to pretend that I am still part of yours.
I’m studying again, I’m doing online courses at the local high school, my parents don’t think it’s a good idea for me to enroll properly, and I have to admit that I’m inclined to agree, however much I want to be able to say that I’m strong enough to deal with it, I know that I’m not.
However I have decided that I’ve wasted too much time; I should have graduated high school last summer, and started college last September, so I’m claiming this as a gap year, and in the gap year I am going to get my high school diploma, and then I’m going to college. I’m not going to leave Seattle though, I’m going to attend the local college and live at home, because even though I’m getting stronger by the day, I don’t think I’ll be ready for such a drastic step. I know that going to college isn’t supposed to be such a drastic step, I mean most people my age are already at college, and although for all of them it was an adjustment, for most it isn’t as huge a deal, but for me, it kind of is. I know that this disease will always be with me, and I need to be careful I don’t slip back into old habits, so I’ll need my support system. So I’ll start college this coming September, and then possibly in my junior year I might transfer somewhere else, but there is plenty of time to decide that.