Instant Prairie Family (Love Inspired Historical) (17 page)

Caroline had really said all of that? Abby knew Will’s first wife hadn’t liked the prairie—he’d told her as much on their wedding day—but she hadn’t known the woman’s opinion of the place had been that low. It went a long way toward explaining why Will was so convinced she’d be better off somewhere else.

But why wouldn’t he believe her when she tried to tell him otherwise? Maybe Caroline hadn’t wanted to spend her dying days out on the prairie, but Abby did. She wanted to spend every day she had left cooking and cleaning in this house, laughing and playing with the boys, being part of the family that Will had made. Maybe it would have to be enough for her to see his family was well cared for. Maybe they would never truly be her family, but it would be the closest she would ever come to having one of her own. After this summer, she would never be the same. She was sure because she would be leaving the biggest part of her heart behind with Will and the boys. Maybe there was still time to convince him. She could be happy as long as they were happy.

“Ma didn’t write back,” Will said, breaking the silence. “At least, I haven’t gotten a letter from her yet. I’m of half a mind to send you on back to stay with her until she can get you established with someone from town. I don’t know what’s taking her so long, but if you stay too long, you’re liable to get snowed in and then you won’t be able to get out for a few more months.”

“Please don’t send me away yet,” Abby urged. “I’m not ready to leave. There’s still so much to do….” She thought franticly of all the chores she still had before she felt ready for winter. “I haven’t gotten the entire garden in yet. And the pumpkins are just about to ripen. You can’t possibly tell me you know what to do with pumpkins or how to make pumpkin pie if you can’t even make oatmeal! There’s still the sweaters I’m knitting for the boys. That’s why I asked you to bring me more yarn. I need to still take a look at all of your winter wear and patch anything that’s gotten threadbare. I—”

“Abby, there’s nowhere I can send you just now, so don’t get yourself all worked up. I don’t want a repeat of the first day.” His eyes, full of compassion and something else, held hers for a moment before she remembered what he was referring to.

“There’s something else we need to talk about,” Will stated, and once again Abby held her breath. “It’s gonna get too cold at night to have Jake and me sleeping out in the barn. I was wondering if it would be okay with you if we started sleeping upstairs, in our old rooms.” He hesitated a moment and then continued, “You could still keep the parlor and of course we’d respect your privacy like always. If there were some other way I’d do it, but the snow is going to come soon and I don’t want Jake getting sick.”

“Of course!” Abby exclaimed, laughing out loud. The silliness of the owner of the house, asking her to let him sleep under his roof, tickled her funny bone. Or maybe it was the relief that Will wasn’t set on sending her away quite yet. “I’ll make up the beds right away.”

“No, not tonight, Abby. Tomorrow will be soon enough,” Will reassured her. “In fact, it will be sometime next week since Colin will be staying for a few more days.”

Abby watched as Will looked out toward the barn. He looked distracted, probably thinking of all the things that needed to be done around the farm now that the harvest was in. The chill of the night stole into her bones, making her tremble with the reminder that summer was truly over, and her remaining days in Nebraska would soon be coming to an end. “I think I should be going in now,” she said in a quiet voice.

She stood and picked up her mug. Will stood just as she tried to pass him and she tripped while trying to avoid a collision. His hands caught her upper arms and kept her from falling. Instead of letting her go once she was steady, though, he waited, seeming to force her eyes to meet his. When she did, she wondered at the emotions there. She saw fear, kindness, endearment and something more. Something that made her confused and excited all at once.

With a start, she realized that this was the first time in months that Will had touched her for more than the bare moment necessary as he handed her up and down on the wagon when they went to church. Maybe it was his warmth that pulled her like a magnet or maybe he really did pull gently on her arms, but suddenly she was taking a step closer and found herself engulfed in his arms, buried in the strength of his chest. She closed her eyes and pretended she would never have to leave the shelter of his arms.

“Oh, Abby. I...” He swallowed but didn’t continue.

This was what he had kept himself from doing earlier in the afternoon. This was what she had seen in his eyes—the need to hold her close. His hand slid in a circular motion on the center of her back and she felt safe, protected and cared for. She let her arms wrap around his waist and felt as if she had finally come home. Was this what it felt like to be loved by a man? There was no doubt now,
she
loved
him.

Almost as if he could hear her thoughts, he pulled away from her, holding her at arm’s length. “I’m sorry, Abby. I guess I’m just tired tonight. I’m not thinking straight. You’d better get inside and stay warm.”

The trembling started again, as the cold rushed in to embrace her much as Will had. Only this time, the cold started from inside. It had been too good to be real; Will hadn’t held her close because he had feelings for her but because he was tired and lonely.

Without saying anything more, Abby rushed into the house and straight to her room. She heard Will enter a few minutes later, put the dishes in the sink, walk halfway to her door, then retrace his steps and leave out the back. Once again, she found herself weeping on her bed, wondering if she wouldn’t be better off leaving. Living here, near a man she loved, and yet never having him return her feelings, would be harder than living miles away from him with just the memories to keep her company. Memories of being held and a fleeting kiss on her wedding day. Those two precious memories might be all she’d ever keep from her marriage to Will, but she cherished them and would remember them always.

“God, only You know the plans You have for me.... But I’m not happy about them right now. It hurts to not belong to Will while he holds my heart in his hands.”

“I know the thoughts that I think toward you...”
The verse from Jeremiah echoed in her heart.
“Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

“But, God, if they’re supposed to give me peace, why do they hurt so much? Why did You bring me here to fall in love with a man who can never love me? Why did You bring me here to be part of a family that will never be mine?”

Chapter Thirteen

W
ill kicked a rock as he made his way out to the barn. He probably looked like Tommy having a temper tantrum, but he didn’t much care. How could he have lost his head so easily? He had almost kissed her! He had taken her in his arms and held her close and she had fit perfectly in his embrace.

Not only had she fit, but she had melted against him so innocently, without knowing what that was doing to him. He would never forget the feel of her in his arms. Until the day he died, he would remember how he held her and she’d come willingly. But he couldn’t let himself forget that he had her interests to consider. Whether she realized it yet or not, the prairie wasn’t where she belonged. He was going to stay away from her as much as he could until she left, and then...then he’d have the rest of his life to miss her smile and laughter. He’d have the rest of his life to know that he had done the right thing by her. At least he could be proud that she would be able to go on and find a true love who would give her everything she needed.

“You don’t have to come and sleep out here on my account,” a voice called out to him from the doorway of the barn. “I’m sure it’s much nicer in the house.”

“Night, Colin.” Will acknowledged his friend, even though all he wanted to do was turn and stomp away. He didn’t want another lecture from his friend about how he was making the wrong decision. Right or wrong, it was his decision to make—and he was going to do what he knew was best for Abby.

“Why don’t you just go back in there and tell that woman of yours that you love her?” Colin pried.

“’Cuz you know if I do, she wouldn’t go back East when my ma sends for her.” A second too late Will knew his answer confirmed Colin’s suspicions.

“Well, I’m glad you’re not denying that you love her. And we want her to go back because...?” Colin left the sentence hanging as if to prompt Will to admit to his own folly. Sometimes Colin was like a dog with a bone; he just wouldn’t let it go.

“Just leave me alone, Colin,” Will answered grumpily.

“No, not until you explain this to me. I saw how she wore a hole in the floor by the window, watching for you to come home. She took pains with that meal tonight and you know it’s because you were back. Don’t you see the gift God has given you? A beautiful woman who loves your boys and has fit into your life as if she had always belonged? How many other men in this territory would give their right arm to find a jewel like her? And here God just dumps her in your lap and you want to send His precious gift back East as soon as possible. Can’t you see she wants to stay here with you?”

“She’s young and doesn’t know any better.”

“She’s older than you were when you first came out here. Have you ever asked her what she wants? You and the boys aren’t going to know what to do if she goes. Most men would have made sure she didn’t have a reason to leave here long ago.”

“I’m not most men. I wouldn’t leave for Caroline and look what happened. I don’t want to be responsible for another woman shriveling up and dying out here.”

“When she first arrived, I admit, there were a number of people who doubted she’d last more than a month or two. But no one doubts her anymore. She’s shown herself to be a true farmer’s wife.”

The decisions Will made were for Abby’s sake. He might be sacrificing the greatest gift short of salvation to let her go, but it was for her own good. His heart wanted him to go back to the house and let Abby know how he really felt. As much as he wanted to deny it, Colin was right about one thing. He loved Abby. If he didn’t love her this much, he might be more tempted to try and convince her to stay.

Poor thing, she was probably all confused and upset. Just the thought that he might have caused her distress was tearing him up inside, but it was better this way. It would be better for her and for him in the long run if she believed that he didn’t harbor any feelings for her. Not that he believed it was all that likely he could convince her he had
no
feelings for her. If she hadn’t figured it out from the kiss on their wedding day, tonight must have proven his folly. But as long as she didn’t realize how deep his love ran, she wouldn’t feel obligated to stay out with him on the prairie where he was sure she could never be truly happy.

Will shouldered his way past Colin and climbed up the ladder to the loft. Jake was already bedded down. He shot a pitying look at his uncle.

“Colin, you might as well come on up and get some sleep. Trying to talk to my uncle now is like talking to a brick wall,” Jake called out, then turned on his side and pretended to doze off.

* * *

Before the rooster even could crow his “good-morning” to everyone, Will headed down below, mucking stalls and milking the cows. By the time most of the chores were done, Jake and Colin still hadn’t bothered to come down. It was probably better they leave him to work in peace, but now he had to face Abby. He’d planned to send the milk in with Jake, hoping to avoid her unless others were around, but Abby had had the fire started for a while and she would need the milk soon. She’d already been out to the outhouse and then the henhouse. Feeling every bit the coward, he watched her from the shadows of the barn as she had stood on the back porch for a minute, studying the barn as if pondering what to do about life or maybe just what to do about him.

Well, there was nothing more to do than go bring her the milk. He gritted his teeth as if he were about to face the firing squad. He trudged across the yard and up the stairs, tempted to just leave the pail inside the door, but the smell of coffee called to his grumbling stomach. As soon as he opened the door, he saw her square her shoulders and take a deep breath. Not a good sign.

“Good morning, Abby.” He hadn’t wanted to sound so pleased to see her, but his voice betrayed him. What he really wanted was to cross the room and take her back into his arms as he had done the night before.

“Morning,” she answered, not turning to look at him. That was definitely a very bad sign. It was the same thing his mother would do when she was upset with his father.

“Here’s the milk.” He stated the obvious, wanting to find some neutral ground.

“Thank you.” She half turned and he could see her profile. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks and nose were red. Stray wisps of her hair were pulling free from her bun, making her seem more vulnerable. He fisted his hands and stuffed them in his pockets before he gave in to the urge to hold her close again.

Before he could think of some excuse to leave, she was handing him his mug of coffee, their fingers brushing accidently. The contact burned a trail of fire all the way to his soul. “Thanks,” he murmured. He’d planned to leave it at that, but the look of pain in her eyes undid all his best intentions, breaking his heart.

“You’re welcome,” she whispered, and spun away, back to the stove to care for what looked like the beginnings of French toast. He involuntarily took two steps closer.

“Listen, Abby. I don’t want you all upset and all.” His hand reached out on its own accord, ignoring his common sense. He pushed a wisp of hair away from her face, hooking it behind her delicate ear. His index finger tracing a path from her ear to her jaw, but warning alarms in his head finally broke through his fog and shook him. He dropped his hands to his sides.

“You know that this is better this way. You need to be in a place that’s safe. This is the prairie. There’s always the threat of an Indian uprising, of bad weather, of the harvest not giving us enough to get through the winter.... I can name a hundred other ways that a body can become just one more victim of this barren place. It’s the place that I love and I won’t leave, but it’s not right for you.”

“What gives you the right to decide that for me?” Abby turned and glared at him. He had never seen her look angry, not even when the boys were fighting. “I don’t think I’ve said anything about the prairie being wrong for me. In fact, if you had been listening to anything I have been saying in the last few weeks, you would have heard how much I’ve come to love this farm, this family, the land. This place isn’t just the land you dream about. It’s become my dream, as well. But you’re too busy playing God to listen to anyone else.”

“I’m not playing God!” Will gritted out. He was a God-fearing man. He would never—

“Of course you are. ‘I’ll not be responsible for another woman dying out here….’” she parroted him. “As if you appointed the time for Caroline to die! As if there are not any dangers in the city. What if I go where you send me and I die of influenza? Would that also be your fault? What if someone attacks me in the city or I get trampled by a runaway carriage? Or is danger only here in the horrible wilderness?” Her sarcasm surprised him. She had never once been sarcastic before.

“All Caroline wanted was to go back to the city and I wouldn’t go. She...”

“She what?” Abby exclaimed, but then she dropped her voice and a look of compassion filled her eyes. “I know you still love her. You must miss her something fierce, but you’ve got to realize God appoints each of us a time. He called her home, just like He called my parents home before I felt ready to let them go. But no one can tell God how or when to work His will. He does as He sees fit and He loves us. It’s for our good.”

“But I didn’t love her!” Will exploded, but stopped in shock as his words echoed in the now-silent kitchen. He dropped his eyes to the floor, wanting to leave and never return to see condemnation that must be in Abby’s eyes at that moment.

“I don’t understand. You married her.... Had children with her. You still have her things in your room.” Abby swung away from him and scraped the now-burnt French toast from the skillet. She pushed the fry pan onto the back of the stove.

“I married Caroline because
she tricked me.
I didn’t want a wife since I was already planning to come out here with Matt and MaryAnn that spring. I think Caroline believed she could talk me out of my plans once she forced the engagement, but I held firm. She got the husband she wanted and I got the journey I wanted, but neither one of us was happy. Once we were married—especially once the boys came along—I tried to be a good husband, tried to tell myself that I loved her, but, well...”

Had he really not loved Caroline? Even now it hurt to admit it. It made him feel like even more of a failure as a husband.

“I made a lot of mistakes,” he admitted. “Did a lot of things that I now regret. I’m not sorry I came out to Nebraska, or that I helped build this farm along with Mathew, but I am sorry that I made Caroline so unhappy.”

“I think there’s a part of you that felt you should have left and seen to her comforts and yet another part that feels you were justified in staying since she was the one who forced the marriage,” Abby said. “You need to forgive her. You need to let God be God and control life. You aren’t going to be able to protect all those you love. You aren’t going to be able to change God’s will. If He calls me to Him today, you won’t be able to keep me here no matter what you do. But if He sees fit to let me spend the next fifty years here on this earth, I’d rather spend them with you and the boys than going to the city, no matter the conditions.” Abby swung around and faced him, squaring her shoulders once again. She bit her lower lip and it was all Will could to not to reach out and wipe away a stray tear.

“I guess what I’m trying to tell you is I’m not Caroline. She and I might both have forced you into marriages you didn’t want, but we had very different reasons. I don’t expect you to love me or find me appealing like you must have found her, but I want a chance to prove I can be a good mother to your children. Maybe even a good wife to you.”

“But you’ll be missing out on your own life,” Will countered. It was all he could come up with. He was not going to give in now. Not when he had kept his emotions in check for so long. He would not be responsible for another woman dying on the prairie.

Even as the thought crossed his mind, he recognized it as the very thing Abby said was sin. But it was what had kept him from getting too close. And if he got close, when she did finally get tried of the prairie life, he would be truly heartbroken because unlike with Caroline, he really did love Abby. She was right; she would be a great mother for his children and a very good wife. If only he could claim her as his without endangering her life or her happiness.

Knowing he was too close to giving in and letting her win the argument, he did what any self-respecting man would do. He turned on his heel and left. Stalked out the door and let it slam behind him. Even as the smell of coffee and French toast enticed him to return, he kept on walking. He’d survive on water and whatever bread Jake could smuggle out to him later. At least that’s what he told his rumbling stomach. He had lots of work to do—work that wouldn’t get done unless he saw to it himself.

Work that would distract him from the woman he loved, and wanted to beg to stay by his side forever.