Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (29 page)

It didn’t take much challenge for Ellen to fold. Her fear of upsetting Regina and embarrassing herself was more than enough. Ellen told herself she was being considerate of Regina in not bringing it up. Actually, Ellen couldn’t handle her anxiety when Regina got upset or angry—and Regina usually got upset and angry when she was nervous. In fact, Ellen told herself she was virtuous at the very moment she was being irresponsible. This helped her avoid the fact that she was really ducking out.

But folding like this made Ellen more dependent on Regina. Having dodged a clear and accurate presentation of herself, all she could go on was Regina’s acceptance. Dependence on anxiety regulation
through accommodation and dependence on a reflected sense of self usually go hand in hand, being natural outcomes of weak Four Points of Balance.

Reflexive anxiety regulation through accommodation is the opposite of the Second and Third Points of Balance (Quiet Mind–Calm Heart and Grounded Responding). Trying to regulate the anxiety of the people around you is an indirect way of regulating yourself.

All relationships involve anxiety regulation through accommodation to some degree. But depending on it makes relationships brittle and inflexible because everything focuses on anxiety reduction per se. This rules out sexual novelty and intimacy (because these create anxiety) and promotes sexual boredom.

It’s easy to get hooked on anxiety regulation through accommodation because it works so well. It seems like the essence of a loving marriage at the outset. You and your partner both feel better, so you do it repeatedly and come to expect it. You never think you’re setting something in motion that will eventually confront you.

Life circumstances impact your sexual desire, especially if they uncork long-standing issues.

On top of issues about commitment, power, and control, and the logistical problems of relocating, Regina and Ellen were experiencing intense identity crises that happen when your reflected sense of self is adrift without moorings.

Regina was undone when Ellen pressed her to retire completely. Because she had a reflected sense of self, the prospect of losing her professional identity meant losing her identity altogether. Regina was incredibly accomplished and talented. She loved the adrenalin-sparked pace, and the status and respect she had from other professionals in the industry. Regina’s sense of self was tied up in her work.

Although they wouldn’t admit it, Regina and Ellen were extremely status conscious. In their minds, they focused on equality and equity. But once they got triggered about who had the upper hand, or who
was looking down on whom, their reflected sense of self ran away with them. They snapped at each other and then fell into cold awkward silences.

Even “high functioning” couples like Regina and Ellen have sexual desire problems. Keeping sex alive in long-term marriage requires continued personal development, greater self-clarity, less reactivity, better self-soothing, and going through tough times: strong Four Points of Balance.

Regina and Ellen argued so frequently about sex, their arguments were as predictable as their sexual interactions. Here too, any change in routine had a big impact. In my office Regina said, “I think oral sex is all Ellen thinks about these days.” This was a dig, delivered as news.

Instead of launching into her typical self-defense, Ellen looked down for several seconds. “No. Actually I’ve been thinking about one other thing.”

Regina sprang to engage. “What is that?”

“I’ve been thinking I want you to screw me with a dildo.”

“What?”
Regina was as shocked as Ellen was pleased.

“I’ve always wanted you to do me with a dildo. I made a few overtures when we first got together, but you never picked up on it, and I took it as a signal you weren’t interested. I’ve never had the nerve to say this the entire time we’ve been together.”

Regina stopped to think about how she wanted to handle this. “Why didn’t you say something if it’s what you really wanted?” Regina’s tone made it sound like she had nothing to do with Ellen not asking.

“I didn’t have the nerve. I was embarrassed. I was young and thought it was kinky. I was switching from men to women and I thought that was kinky enough. Asking you to screw me with a dildo was just too much. I thought you’d think of me as a heterosexual woman hooked on having something inside her. Now I’m more sexually mature. I simply
see it as being a woman who likes something inside me when I come. Sue me.”

Ellen’s “sue me” was perfectly delivered as the attorney she was. She was making a declaration of selfhood. Regina said, “Well, faced with the choice of having oral sex or doing you with a dildo … well, that’s a choice I never thought I’d face! Quite honestly, I don’t know which I’d choose.”

Ellen laughed. “Are you kidding? You’re not sure which one you’d choose? I was sure you’d choose oral sex over doing me with a dildo. It’s much easier for me to ask you for oral sex.”

“That’s your hang-ups talking, honey. To me, they’d be the same size step:
Huge!”

I spoke up. “What kind of huge step?”

Regina paused. “I’d have to confront my eroticism and my hang-ups.”

“In what way?”

Again a pause. “I’d have to get past the taste thing with oral sex. I get worried that I’m not going to like the taste. I know I’m not supposed to have this issue because I’m lesbian, but I do.”

Ellen spoke up. “I don’t think that’s a lesbian thing. I had the same thing when I started giving guys blowjobs. It’s no fun until you get over that. But I got over it, and you can too. Once I did, I got real good at it. I could show you a good time, if you’ll let me.”

Regina didn’t flatly refuse. “We’ll see. I’m not promising anything. Having my head forced down there doesn’t do good things for me.”

“I understand. I’ve been there, too.”

“Besides the taste thing, I have to get over you seeing me enjoy it.”

“You don’t want me seeing you enjoying it?” Ellen was amazed.

“I’ve told you, I like being behind the camera. I don’t like being in front of it. I get weird about being seen as being sexual, really getting into things. It’s like you know too much of me.” Regina paused momentary. “But it may be easier for me to do you with a dildo.”

Ellen smiled. “Maybe. We’ll see!”

Regina and Ellen shared a moment of mutual appreciation. Their sexual relationship had reached a new level. There was no need to ask the other to confirm it. Everything rang true. Each could read the other’s mind.

What makes someone finally stand up and redefine their self? It’s not enough to say humans are sexually curious animals who are easily bored. It has to do with what makes us unique. Eventually, your integrity and self-respect kick in. Feeling like you’ve sold yourself out—and your desire for interesting sex—motivates you to do it.

How can you change without losing your identity? Actually, that’s not the way it works. You have to change
and struggle with the feeling of, “Is this really me?”
You’re usually not calm, and you don’t feel secure in yourself. You have to do something that is “not you yet”—but fits who you want to be—and live through it until it becomes “the new you.” Revealing your hidden sexual self often creates a growth-spurt because your Four Points of Balance come into play.

Anxiety-tolerance
, rather than anxiety reduction, lies at the core of how relationships and sexuality work. Enduring anxiety for growth is built into becoming a sexually mature adult. Each step in development, from French kissing to your first intercourse to your first oral sex, involves doing something you’re uncomfortable with until you’re not uncomfortable anymore. Every step involves mastering your anxiety rather than having no anxiety at all.

This is possible because we are primarily self-soothing animals, not wounded children. Our primary way of soothing ourselves involves giving our dilemmas meaning. When things become sufficiently meaningful to us—and we become sufficiently anxious about the outcomes—we tolerate pain for growth and face our own anxiety.

What made Regina and Ellen face sensitive issues they’d always dodged in the past? All the structure of their lives was falling away. Ellen decided it was better to face their sexual issues now, when they were setting up their new life together. It was also in her interest to get this cleared up now, before she uprooted herself and moved.

Next session Regina and Ellen told me the details of their sexual
encounter. It was clear they’d had a good time. Once Regina relaxed, oral sex wasn’t nearly as awkward or unpleasant as she’d imagined. She shifted her focus from avoiding a bad time to focusing on making Ellen moan. Ellen alternated between letting herself luxuriate in the sensations, appreciating the meaningfulness of their interaction, and watching Regina go down on her. She saw a side of Regina that warmed her heart and curled her toes. They shared a powerful moment of meeting that made them hopeful about their future. The combination was more than enough to put her into orbit. Ellen’s delicious orgasm put a smile on Regina’s face.

People like to espouse the desire to grow throughout their lifetimes. Supposedly “it’s the journey, not the destination.” But the truth is, once we’re in an emotionally committed relationship, we think it’s safe to slack off. Growing is often a pain in the butt. We don’t really want to grow, we just want the benefits of being grown. The growing part we could do without. This is where the Fourth Point of Balance comes in: Meaningful Endurance for growth.

Throughout
Part Two
we’ve seen how partners continually—and often unwittingly—push each other to evolve (co-evolution). Human nature is part of an interpersonal system that pushes you to grow. It is normal in sexual relationships to experience sexual boredom, emotional gridlock, and to feel rejected and unwanted. Problems even happen through partners becoming too important to each other. The intricate interplay between differentiation and sexual desire takes many forms. You have to keep growing if you want to keep sexual desire alive.

You can be too important to your partner, too important for your partner to show you her secret sexual side, and reveal the things she really likes to do.
¹²⁷
The same thing can keep you from going after the sex you really want. We all want to be important to someone, especially the people we love.
But it’s no virtue to be important to someone who can’t hold on to herself or himself
. It’s the reason country-western ballads croon, “She was more important to me than I was to myself,” and whine about getting screwed in a divorce instead of having fun in the sack.

IDEAS TO PONDER

Desire problems arise when your partner becomes more important to you than you are to yourself.

Sexual relationships always consist of “leftovers.” People have sex up to the limits of their Four Points of Balance. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship.