literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (5 page)

I rolled on top of Hunter and looked him in the eyes as they popped open. He made a grunting sound.

“Hunter? Hunter? Are you still awake?”

“Um. No. But I can be.”

“Okay good. I want to make a difference. There are so many people that have it worse than us. Especially the kids in the city. I’d like to start collecting donations. We could split up the money and provide funding for homeless shelters and domestic abuse shelters. For heating, winter coats, things like that to make the winter a little more bearable. What do you think?”

“Sure. You could start the fund by donating the last remaining piece of the Schlitt jewelry collection.”

“Really? Are you sure?” Part of me wanted to say “Sorry. That sucker is paying for my…I mean
our
wedding and a real honeymoon.” But I didn’t want to suddenly turn into a Grinch.

“Aren’t you the one that keeps saying that the Thankshanukkamas holiday is all about giving, not receiving? We’ll be fine without that piece of jewelry, but it could really make a difference for someone else. Besides, I’d like to keep karma on our side for a change. She’s been beating the living hell out of me this year.” He rubbed the still visible lump on his forehead from when I knocked the ghost out of him at Halloween. “You’ve got a heart of gold, Leigh. Another reason why I love you.”

The last thing I remember saying was, “I love you, too, Hunter.” I’m pretty sure that was the only time I’ve fallen asleep before him.

Chapter Six

Ego Boost

On Tuesday I made up a flyer before work and by noon I was posting it to the lunchroom bulletin board. A couple of other teachers were sitting at a table having lunch and some laughs.

“Hi, Kate. Hi, Julie.” Gina walked into the room and gave me a very unusual look. Like she was taking a hard look at me or sizing me up for something. “What is it? You’re looking at me like I’m dressed in a clown suit. Is there something on my clothes? In my hair?” I scanned my clothes to see if I was having a wardrobe malfunction or covered in crumbs.

“No. It’s nothing, Leigh,” Gina said and smiled.

“What do you have there, Leigh?” Julie asked.

“It’s a donation drive I’m starting. Just trying to raise money for the shelters in the city.”

They came over to check out what I was doing. Three curious sets of eyes were looking over my shoulders as I pressed in a thumbtack.

“That’s a great idea, Leigh. Count me in,” Kate said. There was a mumbling among them that seemed to me like they all concurred.

Once they left, Gina doubled back and whispered, “Hey, Leigh, just so you know...Carrie came in here earlier. She said that last week you freaked her out.”

“
Oh
, so that’s it. Yeah? What exactly did she say?”

“She said that you came up to her out of the blue and propositioned her to join in some kinky sex stuff. She said you wanted her to play a bad cop and you’d be a
naughty girl
that needed to be
punished
.” Gina’s voice was tinged with more excitement than amusement.

I coughed and swallowed with the reflex of shock. “Yeah, well, Carrie only wishes that was the case.” I thought about what else to say.
Should I just tell Gina what really happened? Hell no. Forget Carrie. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.

“Hey, Leigh…I just want to let you know…well, I’ll just say it.
I’m
available if you’re interested. I’ll be your
bad cop
if you’d like to hook up.” Gina winked.

Hearing Gina say that, was about as expected as seeing a giraffe grazing on the playground. I let my mind process it for a minute.
How do I handle this? And tactfully enough to not hurt her feelings?
She has a cute little sparkle in her eyes. And she winked at me for the love of God.
“I’m really flattered, Gina. I like you, too. But…I’m already in a relationship. Really. Check out this whopper of a diamond engagement ring. And don’t worry, unlike Carrie, I won’t go blabbing about our conversation. And who knows, maybe I could introduce you to a friend of mine sometime.” I was quite flattered actually. I didn’t have any interest whatsoever in the idea, but Gina is hands down the prettiest female teacher in our school.
Take that, Carrie!

“That’d be nice. And if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

On my walk home I thought about what Gina said to me.
Damn that Carrie. How did I end up on her bitch radar anyway?
The way I look at it, if someone twists your words and talks behind your back, they have some sort of motive. I just never expected it from Carrie. In any case, she’d need to know that all of the teachers stick together in our school. It’s bad enough dealing with the storms of idiocy that blow in from the great minds running our education system and the harassment from a few irrational parents. From now on I’d have to watch myself around her.

“That’s good.” The house seemed to be in one piece still. “I wonder if my magic even worked. Not that I was trying to blow the place up or anything.” I mumbled as I came up the sidewalk in front of our house. “Just a little risky using
my
magic on my own furnace of all things.”

“Hey, Lady!” It was a young girl that lived on the street. I guessed she was probably eight or nine years old. “Who are you talking to?”

“Oh, nobody. Just myself.”

“That figures. My mom says you would have to be crazy as a bag full of cats to move into that haunted house.”

“Oh, I’m not afraid. Because, you see, I’m a witch. A very powerful witch. So I would be careful who you call crazy.” I figured that would make her squirm a little.

She took a step back and looked me over.

“Prove it.”

“Sorry, kid. I’m not allowed to. If I showed you my magic, I’d have to turn you into a squirrel, or maybe a cat. What’s your name?”

“Sorry. I’m not allowed to tell you. See ya’ witch.”

Cute,
I thought as I watched her walk away.

“Hey, baby! We’ve got heat!” Hunter stood in the open doorway. “Who were you talking to?”

“Some kid from the block. Cute little girl.” I looked up the street and she was gone. “Hmm, she was just on the sidewalk. So,
heat
you say?”

“Yeah. One call to a place and they sent someone out here and had it up and running. All it needed was a flame sensor. Whatever that is. It only cost fifty bucks plus forty for labor. I’d say that is pretty reasonable.”

Pretty reasonable is right. Bingo! My magic was fully functional, and I was finally feeling like a witch that knows what the hell she is doing.

Later that evening I spent a little time at my desk. It was time. Time to throw the remaining house repairs into high gear by adding something to my work in progress. After all, winter was coming soon.

“Cosmos, I think it’s time for us to replace the old windows in this house. They just aren’t weatherproofed and winter is coming.”

“You’re right as always, Sybil. I’ll get right on that job. After all, carpentry is my specialty. I’ll have these old windows out of here faster than you can snap your fingers.”

“Thank you for taking care of things. You know I want the old Schlitt house as hot as our love for each other.”

“Ha! That should get some new windows in here. I know Hunter likes the old antique glass, yada yada, but they suck when it comes to the weather.”

“Meow, meow. Meeoow.”

“Yeah, yeah. So cynical. And yes, I know that I really need to get working on my Billion-were series. Next time Hunter has to work at night or on a weekend I will, but for now I’m going to lure Hunter into bed. And by the way, Luna,
you
are not invited into bed…until later.”

Chapter Seven

Friday Night Spell Club

Even if there is nothing planned, Friday evening always gives me such a great feeling. This was going to be a special night because Gertie, Kelly, Lindsey, and Randy had arrived for our first Spell Club meeting.

Gertie had brought a bottle of wine and filled up everyone’s glass. “Here we go! I picked up this wine especially for Leigh.”

“I want to propose a toast.” Kelly lifted her glass full of wine. “Um…Leigh? Do you have any real wine glasses?”

Randy bumped a blue plastic tumbler against the yellow one Lindsey was holding. “Hear that ‘thunk’ sound? That’s the sound of reality. Not everyone has a cabinet full of Waterford crystal, sis. I know you sure don’t.”

“I do have some tall water glasses. You know the real glass kind.” Suddenly I realized I had better step up my hostess game or my dream of a successful Thanksgiving dinner would go much worse than I had hoped.

“Yeah, she keeps them next to the paper plates and the plastic sporks,” Randy quipped.

“Okay, okay, you two. You’re going to make Leigh feel bad. Just do your toast.” Lindsey stood up and lifted her drink.

Kelly’s eyes rolled around at Lindsey’s comments and then she turned to me and gave me a wink. “All right. I just want to say that we are all so happy for you, Leigh. And I mean that from the rocky bottom of my cold, snark filled heart. Here’s to our new favorite author, Leigh Epstein! May the critics be ever in your favor! Drink up bitches.”

“Bleh! Ach ach plah! What kind of wine is this, Gertie?” Randy choked out.

Gertie took a big gulp and answered, “Original Red Grape. It sure is sweet. I can’t wait to try the banana flavored one.”

“Are you sure it isn’t cough syrup? Can you show us the bottle? That way we know what to tell the poison control center what exactly it is that we drank.” Randy coughed and choked.

Gertie handed Randy a paper shopping bag filled with bottles. “Here. I picked out different flavors.”

“Holy shit. You picked from the bottom shelf. This is all Mad Dog 20/20—wine mixed with malt liquor and sugar. We are going to get completely shitfaced for sure.”

“The man sitting out on the sidewalk said it was the best stuff. And he said it was kosher, too.”

“Gertie, don’t get your wine recommendations from winos.” Lindsey shook her head.

“It doesn’t matter. Thank you for the toast, Kelly.” I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and did the same for Gertie, Lindsey, and Randy. I pointed to my blushing face. “See this? This color on my face?”

“Should I call 911?” Randy said concernedly.

“It’s called
baboon’s ass red
. It’s how I blush. You guys are just the best.”

“I thought it was a reaction to the wine,” Kelly said. “Now the plasticware is perfect for this stuff.”

“Brooms and car keys!” I passed around a bowl. “Nobody leaves unless they are stone sober.”

Randy lifted up the old Grimoire he brought along and set it carefully on the coffee table. “Here it is. The Grimoire we found. I had an idea. I was thinking we could look through this and see if there are any easy spells we could try.”

“I’m pretty sure I can translate some of the Latin words.” Lindsey opened the book and slowly peeled back a few pages. “Check this out, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Triplici Duplicia.” Lindsey slugged back another glass of Mad Dog. “Sounds silly. It’s a little poem about wine. Strong wine, triple, and double. There’s more, but…it’s just gibberish. Cadbaz shebabaz.” She stood up and wobbled. “I am Lindsey! Witch of the Heights of Arlington! Hear my spell!”

“I don’t know if that’s such a great idea, Lindsey. It might actually be some sort of spell,” Gertie warned.

“Nah. It’s just a silly phrase. Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Veni Meri, Triplici Duplicia. Cadbaz Shebabaz! Ha ha ha! See? Nothing. It’s probably some medieval drinking game. They had to do something back then for shits and giggles right?”

Luna walked between everyone and stuck her nose in my glass. After one little cat sized taste and a hiss, she ran to the door. When I heard her cry, I recognized it as the telltale sign of Hunter’s arrival.

“I almost missed the party!” Hunter set down a large duffle bag before he came over and thoroughly kissed me.

“Here you go, Hunter. Have a plastic cup full of bum wine.” Randy passed a glass to Hunter. After slugging down a glassful, his face scrunched up like he had just chewed a mouthful of habanero peppers. “Wow! You guys don’t fool around when it comes to wine.”

“Guess what guys? I’m nee bree. I’m eh boh nee bree…I’m drunk,” Lindsey fell back on a chair in a fit of laughter.

“I think Lindsey cast a spell to make the wine three times stronger and then doubled it. And it was pretty damn strong to start with,” I said, trying to get my brain to understand the math. “So, Hunter, did you find out what the big assignment is?”

Hunter picked up the duffel bag he brought in. “Yep. Have you heard about the convention taking place here this weekend?”

While the rest of us silently shook our heads, Randy knew exactly what it was all about. “Oh yeah. Fur-Con. It’s a pretty big deal and it’s the first time it’s coming here. I can’t believe you guys haven’t heard.”

“Fur-Con? What’s Fur-Con?” I asked.

“Only the biggest Furry get together in the whole country.” Randy looked at our bewildered faces. “Tell me you know what a Furry is.”

“Uh, yeah. Nope. Not a clue,” I replied.

“Okay, now before you judge, understand that a Furry is someone that has chosen an alternative lifestyle. These people dress up in various costumes and assume their own unique identity.” Randy was sincerely making his case to validate the existence of Furries.

Lindsey slurred her words. “Oh, you’re talking about beasti-all…beasti-oll…beasty fuckers!”

“No, it’s not bestiality, Lindsey. Roleplaying,” Kelly attempted to clarify Lindsey’s intoxicated mind.

I realized what kind of event we were talking about and an alarm went off in my head. “Whoa! Hunter? I was taken hostage by a guy dressed up as a mouse. Are these Furries going to be violent like that guy, Tommy Gatos?”

“No, not at all. Randy’s right, they’re just people having a good time. But Tommy Gatos did cough up a hairball of information. He was part of an organized crime outfit that operates out of a costume shop in Ohio. Investigators learned that some of his accomplices are plotting to mingle in during the upcoming Fur-Con. They plan to swipe credit card numbers and personal identification numbers from unsuspecting Furries. We’re pretty sure they will attempt to heist jewelry, cash, and any other valuables from hotel rooms. If you think about it, a costume really is a great place to conceal stolen items.”