Authors: Love Belvin
Stenton:
You did nothing wrong Zo. We’re good. Accept my expressions of congratulations and nothing more.
Me:
But it’s more than that. I was wrong…am wrong. I feel guilty.
Stenton:
Wrong? Guilty about what?
Just then, the door cracked. My mom’s head peeked around the frame. I dropped the phone to my side, not sure why I felt the need to hide my conversation as though she’d be privy from afar.
“You’re still up, I see,” she observed.
I split a half a smile, in the midst of yet another impasse with my lone source of pleasure and confusion: Stenton Rogers.
“Get some sleep, honey. We’re gonna take JR and run to the market. I need a few things for dinner.”
“You’re staying another night?”
I was surprised my parents made themselves at home here. They’re stodgy homebodies outside of being back home in South Carolina.
“Stenton insisted we stay all weekend. I figured why not. Your dad isn’t happy, but what else is new?” She shrugged.
Stenton:
Zoey... About what?
I needed to get back to him.
“Okay, Momma.” I sighed as I brushed my face, lost in my emotions.
“You need anything? We’re still celebrating you, baby.” Her eyes illuminated with the brightest gleam. She was proud, I was proud, my dad was proud…
Stenton was proud
.
“No, thanks.” I warily studied the phone in my right hand. “Ummm... After my nap, Jordan and I are going to head back home. I have an early morning.”
Stenton:
WTF Zo? Guilty about what?
Geesh! Impatient much?
I lifted the phone and tapped feverishly.
Me:
ABOUT ME WANTING TO RETURN THE FAVOR! ABOUT IT BEING BEST THAT YOU’RE ACROSS THE COUNTRY BECAUSE IF YOU WEREN’T I’D BE RETURNING THE FAVOR RIGHT NOW! OKAY?!
“Okay, baby. Just get some rest. You had a pretty late night last night.” She shifted out of the doorframe with the knob in hand, positioned to leave. “Your dad heard Stenton carrying you in last night. He said it was four in the morning.”
Holy mother of Joseph
! That explained my care.
Stenton:
Zo…
That was all I allowed myself to read from his return, though there was much more behind it. I immediately typed back.
Me:
No. Don’t explain or apologize for our reality. It is what it is. You belong to someone else. I get it. Thanks for the bag and trip.
I waited a few seconds to hear the jingle confirming the text went through then deleted our entire exchange, powered my phone off before burying myself beneath the covers and fighting to find my way back to sleep. I couldn’t do this with Stenton. Refused to do it to myself. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t choose me.
~~~~~~~~~~
~
Stenton
~
I kept checking my phone for a response from Zoey and found myself re-reading her cold message. It was an act of futility. If I knew Zoey, she wouldn’t reply again. She was that damn stubborn. Honestly, I was surprised to get a text from her to begin with. I mean, I guess I did expect to hear from her about the gifts in some form. What I wasn’t expecting was for it to reference last night.
Admittedly, I’m a selfish motherfucker when it comes down to Zoey Barrett. I was able to get honest about this to myself after we’d started fucking. It was my intent to make my scheduled flight after her BBQ in Alpine. Then I spoke privately with her in the vestibule and got caught up in ZoeyLand, fucking losing resistance to her. She was beautiful and into her head, making that damn clicking sound with the back of her throat. That shit always did things to me. I felt proud in general and elated for her overcoming the hurdles my selfish ass put in her way. Zoey appeared humbled, not tripping off the success over my deviation. I knew she’d persevere. I never doubted her endurance.
But
then
I couldn’t stop at pushing back my flight plan, twice. I had to go to the damn club, invite Alton and the guys to camouflage my need of wanting to celebrate by her side some more. I even had my assistant call the club to set up the veil for privacy.
Then
I had to touch her. Bad move. Touching Zoey’s soft skin made me want to
feel
her. When I held her, I smelled her, got bewitched in her unique and personal scents.
Then
I wanted to kiss her. That got road blocked when she removed herself from my fold and kept a distance for the rest of the evening. And that should have been a sign for my selfish ass, but no! Never could Stenton Rogers deny himself of Zoey, especially because he had exclusive knowledge of what her pleasures were. Especially because he knew her kitty hadn’t been touched in some time. Especially because he feared her pussy being occupied by another.
So, what did Stenton do? He formulated a transportation diversion and informed Tynisha as to how Zoey would be getting home that night, understanding that her inebriation would prevent her from figuring out that I was plotting against my son’s mother. It was wrong and deceptive, but that’s what I often engaged in with Zoey. I’d resort to manipulation just to quell my insatiable need for her.
I swear, my plan was to talk her guard down just enough to kiss her. I only wanted to taste her mouth again and knew I had a shot because she herself was intoxicated. I turned it over in my head the entire fifteen minutes I waited in the truck for her. I considered it all while carefully selecting her favorite rock band. I deliberated hard as I rolled up the partition not wanting to give her a reason not to give me that small piece of intimacy with her that I craved. But when she practically fell into the truck, exposing the muscles in her toned thighs, all good judgment went out the window and I needed to taste more than her mouth.
Then just one orgasm for her wouldn’t do. No. My selfish ass needed more from my Niña. My compulsion led me to go another round. Hearing her cries, feeling the pads of her fingers against my head and her thighs shake around my head made me forget the strong willed, steely-veneered Elizabeth I’d been encountering since I left her apartment when Jordan was four months old. Her pussy pumping into my face, reminded me of when things were good between us, pure. It brought back the good vibes we shared before I selfishly changed the course of her life. The course that she took, adjusted to and made her bitch, hence the celebrations of the day.
Now I’m feeling insecure as a motherfucker, wondering had I pushed her too far. I’d done that over the years; pushed her further than a responsible man should. Even if not maliciously, I’ve manipulated her once or twice since knowing her, earning me the lifetime achievement award for selfish asshole when it comes to Elizabeth Zoey Barrett.
My phone sounded. This time it was a call.
“Jax. What’s up?”
“StentRo, I just wanted to be clear on your direction for the recording before we decline the offer.”
“Let that shit hit the fan, man,” I confirmed.
Jackson confidently and professionally assured, “I will contact the perp and tell him thanks, but no thanks.”
“Cool.”
“But I must assert, StentRo… I have no idea why you’re cool with this. I mean, she fucked up, but I sense you have an angle and
that
I’m lost on. What’s your end game, man?”
Zoey
.
“Jackson, I didn’t get into this to be paying off fuckers for exposing her trifling ways. I have better things to do with my bread. I questioned her about him before and she denied it, although we’ve had intel from day one.”
“So, are you calling it off?”
“No. I’ll see how this shit rides out. She’ll shoot herself in the foot publically, no doubt.”
“And that will leave you…?” he quickly returned.
“Unaffected, not giving a slight fuck. This ain’t my heart at play, Jax. It’s just business for me.”
Jackson sighed heavily into the phone, “Okay, man. Consider it done.”
~~~~~~~~~~
October 2009
~
Zoey
~
The doorbell rang. I jumped in my seat, looking behind me as though the front door would be there. I was in the dining room of my apartment, working on a class assignment.
“I have it!” Eligia called out, I presumed on her way to the door at the other end of the apartment.
This was strange. We never had unexpected guests. Even Stenton’s visits were planned in advance. I heard footsteps pacing down the hall towards me. I was completely jolted at the recognition.
“I’m going to finish up dinner before my boy wakes,” Eligia informed with a smile before taking off.
With my mouth agape, I nodded my acknowledgement. I couldn’t believe what the wind blew in to Philadelphia.
“Hey,” I muttered tentatively.
She ducked her head, cheeks heated bashfully.
“Hey, Zo.”
I attempted, “
I
-I don’t know what to sa
—
”
Her palms rose, interrupted my stalling. “Let me start. I’m sorry, Zo. I’m really sorry.”
I saw the tears pooled in her lids, something rare for her emotional make up. My lids widened even more. I was still at a loss for words.
“It’s something I’ve been wanting to say for over a year, but was too jealous to say so. Then when I got the jealousy under control, fear took over. I didn’t want you to question my motives.”
“Ang, I would never question your motives. I would prefer your friendship…after the apology, of course.” She snorted. Then something hit me. “Why jealousy?”
She exhaled and rolled her eyes, I’m sure at what was coming. I quickly prayed Stenton wouldn’t be the reason, because that would have abruptly ended this easy reconciliation episode.
“Because you quickly came so close to being a flawed human like me with the pregnancy, but instead of struggling and having to give up school, you went back. You didn’t have to worry about how you’d feed your baby. You managed to slip up with the right guy.”
“He’s exactly that, Ang; just a guy. My life hasn’t been perfect with Stenton. It’s just been stable with Jordan because of him.”
Angela nodded, her chin still toward the floor. “I see him everywhere with Erika Erceg. That must suck.”
And that.
Since my graduation celebration, the affair with Stenton and Erika seemed to have intensified. There were pictures of them everywhere: on dates, vacationing, at fashion shows, in the back of limos lip-locking. In none of the non-red carpet pictures did Stenton seem to face the camera like Erika did. She took most of them and seemed proud of her status as Stenton Rogers’ girlfriend. I did notice Stenton never appeared on her reality show. He was mentioned on each episode, and was even in the same building or home where the cameras recorded, but he never had camera time. Erika mentioned his adamancy of not being included in one episode, terming Stenton a private family man.
She appeared at many of his games, front row, and not always alone. Often times her mother, Ellis or sister, Emily attended. Occasionally, Erika’s younger brother would be there, cheering him on. Secretly, it was sickening watching him kiss her when he strolled over to her in between breaks. She seemed to live for those moments where Stenton’s sweat dripped from his tatted frame onto her designer clothes. She feigned being grossed, but always eagerly accepted them and asked for encores. The camera would pick it all up. They were the talk of pop culture.
Along with their affair came an abundance of unnecessary news coverage. There were reports of Erika cheating on Stenton with her ex. That theory remained unfounded. The most ridiculous was that Stenton was not really in love with Erika. That he had a woman on the side with whom he shared his heart. Call me crazy, but I believed the passer of that gossip was Erika’s nemesis, Tynisha. Ty constantly kept me abreast of the happenings of Stenton and Erika’s relationship, even when I asked her not to. Her motive wasn’t her loyalty to me; she simply hated Erika. How could I fault Erika? She was happy.
I, on the other hand, began to wonder if that’s what he needed from me: that support at his games. I’d still never been. Jordan would go. The camera would catch him bouncing on Eligia’s thighs, animated by his dad’s presence. One time, Jordan made such a fuss throughout the game, Stenton had to carry him off the courts into the locker room when the game was over. I wondered if that was unprecedented. On those days, Erika was noticeably absent.
Strange
.
I shrugged at Angela’s observation. “It’s life. We didn’t last long at all.” I chuckled, “Honestly, I can’t say we’ve ever been together.”
“You were long enough to create a baby, Zo.”
“Yup. Feels like we only lasted as long as it takes to conceive a baby.”
There was a brief pause before she spoke up.
“But he’s beautiful. Looks just like his dad.”
“That he is…and that he does.” I exhaled, nodding while my eyes raced unseeing.
Angela shook her head. “I don’t want you to think this was about Stenton. I’m over that crush stage.” She cracked a wry grin. “Motherhood erases all childhood fantasies and forces you to see your reality.”