LOVING ELLIE (14 page)

“I know.”

Countless questions flitted through her mind, taking her thoughts back to his earlier admission.  Had Lucas’s wife died in a car accident like his brother had?  Had Lucas been driving?  That would explain his feeling responsible for her death.  Or had she become ill during her pregnancy?  Was that why he was so concerned now about her health? 

“What happened?” she asked, her words scarcely a whisper.

He pushed free of her comforting embrace and stood to pace the floor in front of her.  “The doctor warned Anna not to get pregnant.” 

“Why?”

“Because of her heart condition.”  He dragged a hand down over his face with a heavy sigh.  “If only I’d used protection.”

Even after the doctor’s warning, he hadn’t used contraception?  That didn’t seem like something Lucas would do.  Not intentionally.  Had passion taken over making them act without thinking? 

Ellie swung her legs off the sofa and sat up still clutching at the throw.  “I know you blame yourself for what happened, but you were both aware of the risks.”

He turned to look at her, jaw clenching as he fought to keep his emotions under control.  “Anna’s heart gave out because
I
got her pregnant.  Their deaths were my fault.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks.  Her heart was breaking for him, for the family he’d lost.  How awful that must have been for Lucas, losing them both so tragically.

Dusty Andrews’ anger made sense now.  He clearly blamed Lucas for his daughter and grandchild’s death, though wrongfully so.  It took two people to make a baby.  And sometimes babies happened when you least expected them.  She knew that better than anyone.    

Ellie rose to her feet, letting the throw fall away and walked over to where he stood.  Reaching up, she touched his cheek tenderly.  “Lucas...”  

“I was her husband,” he said, his eyes misting over with tears she knew he would never let fall.  “It was my job to keep her safe.  To keep them safe.  If only...” his voice trailed off.

“That’s why you left.”  She finally understood.  “You let Dusty convince you that his daughter’s dying was your fault.”

“It was.  And you’re wrong about Dusty.  He wanted me to stay.  I chose to leave.  Had to leave.”

She hadn’t expected that.  So Lucas’s guilt was self-imposed.  “You can’t keep shouldering the blame for what happened.”

As if she wasn’t guilty of the same thing herself.  She had always felt responsible for her parents not wanting her, that she hadn’t been good enough as a child.  She’d blamed herself for never being able to please the foster families she’d been passed around to.  And in her mind it had always been her fault no one had ever really being able to love her.  That is until Jarrett came into her life.  And then she blamed herself for not being able to return his love.  Life was so unfair.

He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.  “Losing them nearly killed me.  And now Jarrett.”

“I can’t imagine loving so deeply and then having it all taken from you,” she said honestly.  She’d never allowed herself to risk that sort of love.

“It’s hurts so bad.”

She ached for him, wanted desperately to help make his pain go away.  Her fingers stroked the hair at his nape.  “It might never go away, but it will get easier with time.  I promise.”

He gathered her in his arms, muttering her name in her hair. 

She ran her hands in a soothing manner up and down his back.  “Shh...it’s all right.  I’m here for you, Lucas.”  Just as he had been for her when she needed him that morning in the kitchen.

They stood, locked in a comforting embrace for a very long time.  Finally, Lucas expelled a long sigh and lifted his head to look down at her.  “My brother was a lucky man to have had a woman like you in his life.”

She offered a tender smile.  “And he was lucky to have had a brother like you in his life.”

His frown deepened at her words.  “I wish I had been here when...”

“You were,” she told him, pressing a hand to his chest.  “You were always with him where it counted.  In his heart.”

His hand moved over hers, holding it there.  “Ellie...”  He sounded tormented.

“I promise everything is going to be all right.”

“How can it be when I can’t I stop thinking about you?  About wanting to kiss you again.”

Her gaze locked with his.  “Then maybe you should kiss me and get it out of your system.”

“I wish it were that easy.”  He lowered his head with a whispered plea, “Tell me to stop.”

“I can’t.”  She was helpless to do anything but let it happen, this
thing
between them.

“Ellie,” he breathed, his lips scant inches from hers.

“I trust you, Lucas.”

He froze at those words, then promptly stepped back with a low groan.  “Don’t.”

She looked up at him, feeling a bit dazed.  “Don’t?”

“Trust me.”

She reached out to him.  “Lucas...” 

“No.”  His heated gaze locked with hers.  “This isn’t right.  Jarrett would have wanted me to take care of you, but not like this.”

“He would understand.”

“Understand that his own brother wants to be with the woman he loved?”  He muttered a curse.  “I won’t do it, Ellie.  Not to my brother.  No matter how badly I want you, I’ll fight it.”

Before she could reply he turned and walked away.  She watched him go, struggling with her own emotions.  Foolish as she was, she wanted things from Lucas.  Wanted Lucas to care about her.  To admit that there was more than just heat-stirring kisses between them.  But he wasn’t free to give her any more than he already had been.

Ellie sighed tiredly.  She should have known better than to allow herself to hope.  Fate had placed too many obstacles in their way.  The fact that she had been engaged to Lucas’s brother.  That she carried Jarrett’s child.  The same child she was preparing to give up.  And now knowing that Lucas had lost a child she could only imagine how he felt about her choosing to give hers up.  Especially when he hadn’t been given a choice.

                                                        *              *              *

Blaine paced the floor of his office, casting an occasional glance at the phone on his desk.  His mind was spinning like a reel just cast.  Had been for days.  Ever since that morning he’d found Victoria shivering in the loft.  After he’d driven away from the Winters’ place, his thoughts had been filled with Victoria.  Of long, fiery curls and thickly lashed eyes.  Of lips, soft and full, that he remembered all too well tasting that summer long past.

He dropped down into his desk chair with a groan.  How was he going to deal with Victoria living in the same town now that he’d held her in his arms again?  He’d already spent days trying to forget the scent of her.  The silky feel of her hair against his cheek.

His gaze shifted to the phone again.  Giving in to the need to know she was all right, he reached for the handset and dialed the Winters’ place.

“Hello?”

“Myra, it’s Blaine.”

“Sheriff Cooke,” the older woman said happily.

“I’m sorry to be calling so late, but I wanted to check on Victoria.”  Duty demanded it he told himself. 

“Let me get her.”

“No,” he said, but the clattering in his ear told him Myra had just dropped the phone to go find her niece.  He’d only meant to make sure she was doing okay, not actually speak to her.

“Hello.”

His heart thudded against his chest.  Blaine struggled to remain calm.  At the very least to sound unaffected by the sound of her voice.  “Hi.”

“Blaine?”

Was she expecting a call from someone else?  The thought of it didn’t sit well with him even if he had no right to be jealous.  “Just seeing if you’ve recovered from your little adventure the other day.”

“I’m much better, thank you.”

J.B. had accompanied him downstairs that morning where he had offered a very heartfelt apology to his mother for his unruly behavior.  That led to a lengthy, very loving embrace between mother and son.  It was during that interlude that Blaine had slipped from the house.  Coward he was.  He wasn’t ready to talk to Victoria, not then.  Not after hearing she had kept his picture all those years.  That she cried over it.  That didn’t fit with the heartless female he’d forced himself to think of her as all those years.

“And J.B.?” he managed.

“He’s like a different boy.  I don’t know what you said to him, but thank you.”

“Just a little man to man.  Speaking of which,” he said, hesitating in bringing the subject up, but there was no chance J.B. would forget the promise he had made him, “I told J.B. I’d take him target shooting sometime.”

She gasped.  “You’d let him shoot a gun?”

He snorted. “Fat chance.  The boy’s got deadly enough aim with a slingshot.  But we are going to work on him aiming at actual targets.  Not humans.  If that’s okay with you.”

“You would do that?”

“It’s my job to protect this town,” he replied with a chuckle.  “Setting your son on the straight and narrow will help me to do that.  Besides, I think it will do him good.”

Silence fell over the line at the other end.  Then came the very faint sound of sniffles.

Blaine’s smile fell.  “Victoria?  Are you crying?”

“No,” she hiccupped.

J.B’s words filled his thoughts.  Was Victoria looking at his picture again?  Maybe it was just his voice causing her to become emotional.  Whatever the reason for her tears, he wasn’t trained on how to handle them.  Handcuffs, yes.  Guns, for sure.  Females, not a lick of schooling on them.  And he’d done his darnedest to avoid their kind for the past ten years. 

“If you’d rather I don’t spend time with him...” 

“It’s not that,” she said, clearly crying now.  “After everything I put you through...  That you would offer to spend time with my son when his own father has never given him the time of day...  You don’t have to do this...”  She seemed incapable of finishing her sentences.

Blaine would be the first to admit that she’d put him through an emotional wringer.  But, from what he’d recently learned, it appeared Victoria had been living in a world of hurt herself.  She’d made a bad choice in marrying J.B.’s father and had paid dearly for it.  He couldn’t help but wonder how he would he have handled things if she had told him she was carrying another man’s baby that summer, but wanted to make things work with him instead?  He’d been young and falling in love, but he wasn’t sure he would have been mentally prepared to take on a ready-made family at that point in his life.

“I’m not your ex,” he said, then it occurred to him he actually was in a way.  “What I mean is you can’t compare all men to J.B.’s father.”

“I know you’re nothing like him,” she said softly.  “You never were.” 

This was heading down a path he wasn’t ready to travel on yet, so he quickly redirected the conversation.  “If J.B. doesn’t have any plans, how does next Sunday around one sound?”

“We don’t have anything special planned.  Where should we meet you?”

We?
  Blaine’s eyes widened.  She intended to join them, too?  It was a good thing they weren’t going to be shooting guns because something told him he was going to be nothing short of distracted with her there.

“Blaine?”

“Yeah?”

“I wasn’t included in that invite, was I?”

How was he supposed to respond to that?  No way, no how?  Ignoring her question, he said, “The two of you can meet me out at my place.”

“You don’t have to answer my question.  I already know how you feel.  I’ll drop J.B. off on Sunday.  He can call me when he’s ready to be picked up.” 

“No,” he blurted out, hating the hurt he heard in her voice.  “I’m sure he’ll feel better having you there with him, seeing as how he doesn’t know me from Adam.” 
Other than I’m the man who makes his mother cry.

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I told you that day at my office - I moved on a long time ago.” 
Liar. 
“Look, Victoria, we’re both adults.  There’s no reason we can’t co-exist in Eagle Ridge without the past making things awkward for us.” 
Other than I still have feelings for you.

“I’m so glad to hear you say that,” she admitted.  “I’ve really been torn about being here.”

“Mom!” her son called out in the background.

“In here, J.B.”

“Do you remember how to get to my place?” Blaine asked. 

“I’m pretty sure I can find it.”

“Then I should let you go.  Sounds like your son needs you.”

“Night, Blaine.”  The line clicked and a dial tone followed.

He closed his eyes, recalling all those nights she’d said those same softly spoken words to him. 
Night, Blaine.
  But as her other words settled in, he dropped back in his chair with a groan.

He’d chosen his place because it was out in the country.  The perfect place for he and J.B. to practice shooting at targets.  But he hadn’t thought much past that.  Certainly not about the possibility that Victoria would want to join them for it.  Lord help him but he was digging himself in deeper and deeper.