Men of Station 23 [Uniform Fetish 1] (Siren Publishing Menage Amour) (10 page)

“I don’t hate you. It’s me you should hate.” He began to stroke her hair, a loving gesture she thought Jake incapable of. Although his forest-green eyes held depth of character, his stoic expression always warned her not to get too close.

“Why?”

He exhaled. “Let’s just say I won’t be heading to the pearly gates when my time comes. But I’m ready to atone for my sins.”

She knew by his tenor that he wasn’t going to open up further. But he’d given her a window into his character and it was enough for now. Tammy ran her palm over the firm planes of his chest, her pussy responding instantly. He stilled her hand with his.

“Sleep, Tammy.” He kept his hand over hers, pressed firmly to his heart, his other arm holding her close. Unlike Aaron, he wasn’t going for sex and more sex. Even though she wouldn’t refuse him if he made a move, Tammy appreciated the fact he could cuddle and talk without wanting sex. Did it mean anything? Was she worth more than a one-night stand in his eyes?

“But—”

“I know I’ve been an ass since you showed up. Sometimes it’s easier to stay distant, you know? That way no one hurts me, and I can’t hurt anyone else.”

“That’s an awful way to live. If you don’t give a piece of yourself, you can never know real love.” She should talk. Tammy lived with ghosts from the past every day of her life, and her last boyfriend turned out to have many, many screws loose.

“Not everyone deserves to be loved, Tammy. Don’t even waste your time on me. I know Darius has eyes for you, likely Conall and Aaron, too. If you’re looking for love, you’d have better luck with one of them.”

“But what if I want you?”

“You don’t.”

The more he pushed her away, the more desperate she felt to hold on and never let go. There was pain locked up inside him. She could practically feel it, like a living force. She wanted to fix him, help him know the love of a good woman.

What had Jake gone through? Was he divorced, or had he been burned in a past relationship?

“You don’t have to push me away. I know all about living with guilt.”

She felt him shake his head. “You don’t know the kind of pain I’ve had to live through. It changes a man, damages him enough that he’s not worth keeping.”

Her hackles rose. “Maybe not, but I assure you I know what it’s like to lose someone I love.”

Jake quieted for a while, his hand still playing with strands of her hair. “What happened?” he asked after a lengthy silence.

If she wanted him to open up to her, she’d have to do the same. The problem was she’d never really shared her haunting past with anyone. It was her painful secret, her burden. “My parents died when I was young.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize.”

“It was a long time ago. I was ten when it happened. I’m thirty-six now.” She tried to brush it off as an old wound, but in truth, the scene continued to trouble her dreams to this day. Saying it aloud brought a wave of emotion up from her gut, her throat clogging and eyes burning.

His tone shifted to one of empathy, another emotion she didn’t expect to see from Jake. “What happened to them?”

She chuckled softly, not making the connection until now. “Fire. They died in a fire.”

In the silence of the room, she could hear him swallow, as if the news was a shock for him. It wasn’t every day a person survived to tell about such a tragedy. Such things were told on nightly news reports but never really hit people close to home.

Both her parents had died when their townhouse caught fire. The firefighters who rescued Tammy couldn’t go back for her parents. It was too late. The flames had engulfed the rear of the house, causing support beams to break way. She remembered struggling in his arms, screaming for him to go back for her mommy and daddy when they reached the fresh air. Even at ten, they had to sedate her.

Tammy still held contempt for her rescuers for not going back in to save her parents. It would have been better to let her die in the fire along with them, rather than condemn a little girl to a loveless life of bouncing through foster care. She’d played the blame game well. The dispatch was too inefficient, the trucks too old, the entire system outdated. Everywhere she could find culpability, she sought it, when she should really have looked in the mirror.

“You weren’t with them?”

“I was rescued. They weren’t.” She turned to her side, propping herself up on an elbow. “What do you think of that, Jake? Do you believe a firefighter should quit when things get too dangerous, or are they obligated to ensure they save everyone possible?” Tammy wasn’t sure what point she was trying to make. It was as if all the questions she kept locked up since that day wanted to be heard. She had the perfect subject, a fireman.

“I–I don’t think anyone should be left behind.”

She settled back into the crook of his arm, satisfied for now. It wasn’t all firefighters she resented. Just the ones who let her parents die, the ones who held her back from returning to the flames, the ones who ensured she’d live life as an orphan.

Her previous exhaustion came back. Recalling that memory was draining. It took everything in her power to try and not focus on the details of the fateful day. She didn’t want to become a crying mess in Jake’s arms. Tammy had twenty-six years to move on. Breaking down now was not acceptable to her. But guilt had a way of festering, working its way into a person’s very soul like a poison.

“Right answer,” she said drowsily. “Never leave anyone behind...”

* * * *

Jake saw Tammy in a new light. She’d been a victim of fire. She knew what it felt like to be let down, to know firefighters failed in their duty to save her loved ones. He felt an instant connection with her, a deep bond not too many people were capable of sharing.

He saw redemption when he looked at the shadowed lines of her face as he held her close. Through her, he could make amends for his past sins. But he couldn’t tell her the truth. She’d hate him for it, categorize him with the men who’d already let her down in the worst possible way. He’d left people behind, as she’d said.

“I respect what you do. It must be a great responsibility. I mean, every call could mean life or death for countless people.”

“I may complain, but I’d much rather fight garage fires than a true emergency where real lives are at stake. Life is so fragile. One moment here, the next it’s snuffed out in a haze of smoke.”

It had been almost a decade ago when they went on the call that changed everything for Jake. There had been an apartment fire in a privately owned triplex. The units were illegal, no working smoke detectors and bad wiring. It’s one of the reasons Jake and his crewmates were so adamant about fire safety in the community, volunteering their time at schools and events.

The fire had spread so fast, they couldn’t keep up with it. After clearing the first two floors of renters, he struggled to get up to the third. Even with his oxygen and mask, he couldn’t see for the smoke. He heard their cries and briefly caught a glimpse of the family before the stairs gave out on him.

He woke up in a hospital, his ankle and two ribs broken. Those people would forever star in his nightmares. Their looks of terror burned into his memories. The “what-ifs” made him a hostile man. He blamed himself more than anyone else. As far as he was concerned those three deaths were on his head.

It was hard to get back into his regular pace of life after the incident. He was bitter and angry, not willing to get close with new people. But this little angel knew his plight. She’d been on the opposite side of the fire. It was up to him to make amends for her loss since he’d been the cause of another, one he couldn’t undo. It was as if God had a plan to bring the two of them together for healing. But he still couldn’t let her know the truth. He wouldn’t have her look at him with disgust and disappointment in her eyes.

“I can hear your heart beating,” she whispered. “So strong. It makes me feel safe.”

“You
are
safe with me.” Jake held Tammy close, knowing she was the one for him, the only woman he could come out of his shell for. When he’d get close to other women he’d find it hard to connect, to put away the past and just live. Maybe he’d finally find the peace of mind he sought by giving his heart to this slip of a woman. He was already painfully attracted to her, as were his best friends, but now that attraction went deeper. But as Darius often complained, a firefighter had no right to fall in love or start a family. It wasn’t fair to leave a woman home alone for so many hours and days a week, with no security that their man would even come home at all.

Tammy drifted off to sleep, her soft mewling sounds making his protective instincts soar. He was her protector now, and he reveled in the fact.

* * * *

Days later, Tammy picked at her lunch in the kitchen with Aaron and Conall. She couldn’t help but sneak peeks at Aaron as he sat eating a sandwich across from her, and she wondered if he’d had a change of heart. By some miracle, she’d gotten through to Jake, the worst of the bunch. Surely it was possible for Aaron to have the same change. Or perhaps she was pushing her luck to expect all members of her ménage to want to commit. Her cozy little life back at her apartment, the place she usually craved as an escape from the world, no longer felt inviting. After leaving Station 23 it would become her prison, a lonely place where she entertained all her wild fantasies. She had the real thing now and didn’t want to lose it. Despite the issues with Aaron, she felt at home around the four men, like she’d known them all her life. She’d only had the love of a father briefly and had no brothers. It felt natural to live amongst these rough, real men.

“So, I hear Jake snuck into your room the other night,” said Conall as he leaned against the counter with a mug of coffee. His blond hair was still damp from a shower, and he wore a fitted T-shirt and workout sweats.

“Well, it is his room.”

“He was supposed to give it up for two weeks.”

She didn’t want Jake in trouble, especially after being a perfect gentleman, not making a move that entire night. Something soul deep passed between them as they held each other close. “It seems he’s had a change of heart. He made me feel welcome and never stepped out of line.”

“That’s weird,” said Aaron, finally taking notice of their conversation. “He’s usually a hard-ass.”

“I know he’s dealing with some sort of issue, but he never told me what.”

The two men shared a private glance. “You may as well tell her. Anyone with Internet can find out the details,” said Aaron.

Conall didn’t look thrilled to tell her the news. She could feel the connection between the four men, as if they were one body sharing the same soul. “Our buddy’s been messed up ever since he wasn’t able to save a family. It wasn’t his fault, of course, but he blames himself for not being able to get everyone out of the building safely. He doesn’t like to talk about it, even refused the counseling offered by the city.”

“When?”

“About eight years ago,” said Aaron.

Jake’s behavior started to make sense to Tammy. She’d been through something similar. She knew how it felt to carry guilt around with her. Although she was only ten when her home caught fire, she blamed herself. There was no way Jake purposely let people die, but there was probably little to make him believe that.

After what she’d told him about her history, it was no wonder he didn’t want to tell her the truth. He probably thought she’d judge him as harshly as he judged himself. Tammy had the urge to go to Jake, but he was out at a traffic-accident scene with Darius.

The phone rang. Conall grabbed the phone off the wall cradle near the fridge. “Station 23.”

He waited a minute, repeated himself, and then hung up. “Another crank call?” asked Aaron.

“Yeah. I’m getting sick of it. Call the boys at the department today and ask them to trace the number. As soon as Darius and Jake get back I have an inspection to do at the new apartment complex on Mapleview.”

It was probably nothing. No one knew she was at the fire station. She hadn’t even told her best friend, although she was sure Mr. Templeton had filled her in by now. But the frequent telephone hang-ups brought back unwanted memories of her years on the move. Her ex-boyfriend had stalked her from place to place, never giving her peace or complying with restraining orders. Could he have found her again? She’d actually started to believe he’d given up, that she could stop looking over her shoulder. Maybe it was wishful thinking on her part.

“I can’t remember the last time I was in a school like this,” said Tammy as they walked along the wide, waxed hallway.

“We do these at least a couple times a month.” Darius guided her into the gym, a hand to the small of her back.

Darius and Conall took Tammy along to one of their educational classes. It was a group of grades four, five, and six at a local elementary school. Darius loved kids. Coming from a large nuclear family, he thrived with kids clamoring around him, asking questions, and showing genuine interest in his work. It was a small consolation for the life he’d never get to have.

Tammy laughed as the kids charged them. Darius and Conall wore their full uniforms and had one of the fire trucks parked out front to show the kids afterward. The teachers began settling the children on the gym floor. What he wouldn’t give to be a kid again, no worries, just fun and games. Although he had to admit that his crew at Station 23 was like a second family. He’d grown up with the other three men, and if he had to be any place but home, it would be with them.

“Anyone know what we are?” asked Conall, holding his arms out to the sides. The kids laughed, calling out “firefighters” in unison. They did their usual drill and then Tammy helped hand out the activity books and magnets. He loved watching her laugh, her green eyes lighting up like emeralds. She wore a body-hugging, cream skirt suit for the event—respectable but damn sexy. For most of the presentation she sat with her legs crossed on one of the perimeter benches, watching as intently as the children. He couldn’t stop himself from sneaking peeks at her calves and the glimpse of thigh as her skirt rode up. But there was more. He could see the future when he looked at her angelic face. If only things were different. But he couldn’t turn back time now—and would he even want to? His parents were proud of his position at the station, and so was he. Being a firefighter was a boyhood dream turned reality. It meant a lot to him to make a positive difference in his community. But the balance between duty and desire was wavering. Every time he thought of Tammy, he questioned everything, making his life more unsettled.