Moving On Without You (3 page)

"Did you eat anything?" Tracy asked.

"No."

"I thought you were supposed to eat something
before you take the medication?"

"No, I'm not."

"Are you sure?"

"Tracy, I just want to sit here and be quiet
until it's over."

It was painful to watch Keisha go through
something so heavy. The weight of the world was on her shoulders and nobody
even knew. Brandon should have been sitting in Tracy's place, but he had no
idea what a wreck he helped cause. Not telling him was a horrible idea, but
Keisha would not listen to reason.

Tracy didn't have a clue what her friend was going
through and couldn't be much help. She hadn't done much of anything besides
listen and Keisha was hesitant to share most of the time. It had only been a
few weeks since Keisha found out she was pregnant and she had gone to the initial
consultation alone. Before Tracy knew it the appointment date was made and had
arrived.

Keisha's belly was the same size it had always
been. It was not like she was ever a small girl, but nothing looked different
about her besides her moods. She had not been eating any more or craving
strange foods. She was always complaining about being queasy which was probably
what kept her from eating.

The girls arrived at the same free clinic Tracy
had visited just about a month before for her birth control pills. The same
receptionist greeted Keisha while Tracy sat in an empty seat. The room didn't
feel as small as it had when she was there for her own appointment. It looked
like a peaceful space. There were just as many couples and single girls sitting
there waiting for their appointments as the last time. Tracy wondered how many
of them were there for abortions.

A few of them looked like they could be older than
nineteen, but most were her age. The girls came from all different backgrounds,
but most of them shared the same worried look. The few guys who were in the
room supporting their girlfriends kept their heads down. They flinched
nervously whenever a nurse entered to call the next name.

Keisha kept grabbing her stomach and Tracy
pretended not to notice. They waited there for what seemed like an eternity
before Keisha's name was called.

"I'll be right here."

Tracy clutched Keisha's jacket while her friend
left the waiting area. The television was playing daytime talk shows which
proved to be a great distraction. Three different shows went off before a nurse
practitioner came out to talk to Tracy. The tiny woman informed her that the
procedure went well and her friend was resting for a moment before she would be
ready to leave. She spoke slowly making sure Tracy confirmed she understood
everything she said,
She needs to visit the pharmacy and pick up her
prescription today, Are you going to make sure she gets home okay? She is not
driving, correct?
Tracy nodded until the woman was satisfied.

It was all very surreal—sitting there discussing
Keisha's postoperative plan. Tracy never imagined she would have to help her
friend through this. Just a few months ago they were both virgins cursing the
existence of every boy they knew, but a lot had changed. Tracy was glad she had
gotten the shot before sleeping with Terry. She felt guilty right away for
thinking it, but she couldn't help herself. Tracy wasn't ready for a baby and
neither was Keisha. Thank god she made the appointment before anyone else found
out.

Keisha appeared in the doorway walking stiffly
toward the receptionist's desk. She looked groggy. The two girls walked back to
the bus stop without a word. The silence was killing Tracy. They were quiet
inside the pharmacy until Keisha was forced to speak to the woman behind the
counter.

Tracy couldn't help but feel embarrassed. It felt
like the whole world knew what they had just done. That was impossibly
ridiculous, but it didn't stop Tracy from thinking it. All eyes were on them.
The old woman in the pharmacy knew they were up to no good. Why else would two
teenaged girls be in there collecting prescriptions? Did the pharmacist
recognize the prescriptions? Girls must have come in for these all the time,
but Tracy felt the need to hide, rush, and protect Keisha until they were out
of the store.

 After they got the antibiotics and pain
medication they walked back to Keisha's house. Every step seemed like it hurt.
If Tracy could have carried Keisha she would have, but there was no way they
would make it five steps.

Brandon was not outside when they passed by his
house. Tracy wanted to strangle Brandon. He didn't knock her up, but she wanted
to bash her fist into his head like he had. What kind of guy would leave his
girlfriend like that without asking any questions? He must have known and if he
didn't know how could he be so stupid? Keisha lied on the couch after taking
all the pills and fell asleep before Tracy could say goodbye.

It had been a few days since Tracy saw Terry. The
visit to the clinic was still so vivid in her mind. Keisha had been distant,
but Tracy kept calling to check on her. Her sister Donna claimed she was doing
fine, but it was obvious that Donna was unaware of the gravity of the
situation. How Keisha kept a secret that big for that long was a mystery, but
it was time to get out of the house and try to think about something else.

The guys were having a barbeque across town and
Terry had agreed to bring her and introduce her to his friends. She tried to
find an outfit that looked mature, but she was not exactly sure if she had
anything that resembled that. Dresses seemed universal and Terry liked when she
wore dresses. Tracy thought her legs were too skinny to show, but the heat
justified wearing them.

They pulled up to a housing project near the
center of town. The buildings lined the river and were infested with rats in
the nineties, but everyone said they had been cleaned up since then. It was not
often that Tracy visited this part of town because none of her family lived in
the area anymore, but she tried not to judge.

"You getting out?" he asked.

"Yes."

Tracy bit her lip and pushed the door open. She
began to wish she had not agreed to go to the barbeque at all, but she wanted
to spend time with Terry. Now she was stuck with no other way to get home.

The barbeque was being held in the square in front
of the apartments. There were barbeque pits coming up out of the pavement. A
few benches surrounded the area, but none of it looked inviting.

When Terry greeted his friends they were lively.
He introduced Tracy as "his girl." As he spoke everyone stayed focused
on her. She wished she had worn jeans or shorts like the middle aged woman
sitting near the grill.

"I'll be right back, babe."

Terry walked off with one of his friends leaving
Tracy standing awkwardly in the square. She smiled at the ladies sitting down.
They shot her a few fake grins and went back to their huddle. Tracy turned to
the guys left standing around the grill, but they didn't acknowledge her.
Nobody wanted her there and she felt out of place. Why did Terry want to bring
her to this thing? It was humiliating.

Terry returned to Tracy's side before long. She
felt better having him there because nobody else wanted to talk to her.

"You hungry?"

She had lost her appetite, but there was nothing
else she could do at the event.

"A little."

Terry led her to the food table. Some of the meat
was done and there were sides waiting. The women hissed among themselves while
Tracy fixed herself a plate and they stared at her when she sat down. Terry
didn't seem to notice how out of place she felt. It was going to be a long
barbeque.

Tracy hadn't heard from
Terry in days. She expected to see him hanging out with his friends at the corner
store, but he wasn't there. Tracy continued down the street to meet Sean at his
grandmother's house. She found him sitting on the front porch.

"Hey," Tracy said.

"Hello."

"It's so hot."

"I know. I'm dying. Where have you
been?"

"Home. I'm trying to stay in the air
conditioning as much as possible."

"I know. Are you still talking to that
guy?"

"I don't know. I haven't heard from him in a few
days," Tracy said.

"Really? What happened?"

"Okay, so he took me to this barbecue a few
days ago to introduce me to his friends, but I don't think they liked me."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing! The guys seemed decent, but the women
hated me. Most of Terry's friends are my mother's age. I was kind of scared she
was going to pop up."

"What? How old is Terry?"

"Twenty-two."

Tracy whispered in order to keep Sean's
grandmother from overhearing the conversation through the screen door.

"Welp."

"I know. It's bad but he is so nice."

"Don't get me wrong. I know why you want him.
He has a nice car, a little money, he takes you everywhere, whatever. What I
don't understand is why he wants you? I mean, aren't there plenty of girls his
age? I just don't get it."

"We met so randomly. I think it was just a
coincidence."

"Bitch, I was there! He knew you were in high
school. You told him the first day you met."

"I told him I was a senior. He thinks I'm
seventeen going on eighteen soon."

"Is that really any better?"

Tracy thought it was. Seventeen was old enough to
consent. Terry was a nice guy. If he knew how old Tracy really was he probably
wouldn't have asked her out.

"There's a girl in my class who's dating this
guy. He is like twenty-one or something. They've been dating a few years, but I
just don't get what the guys get out of it. Why don't they like women their own
age? You don't think that's weird?"

"Maybe women their age don't like them. I
don't know."

"It's all very bizarre to me. I get it from
our side but not from theirs."

"We don't really talk about things like that.
I don't even think we have all that much in common. So it isn't a great loss or
anything. I was just lonely and we had fun together. No big deal."

"So that's it?"

A silver car passing by caught Tracy's attention.
She thought it was Terry but realized it wasn't the right emblem on the back.
She checked her phone for any missed texts, but he still had not responded.
Carrying the phone around was pointless if he wasn't calling her.

"I guess. It wasn't like it was true love or
anything. I'm not mad."

Sean looked at Tracy with eyes that showed her he
was not buying it. She had begun to develop feelings for Terry, but she was not
in love. There was nothing she could do at this point but wait. It was probably
best to shift the conversation away from her personal life.

"Are you dating anyone?" Tracy asked.

"No. I don't have time for the games. I
really haven't been out much anyway."

"It kills time."

"Have you heard from Chloe?"

"I talk to her a lot, but I haven't seen her
in weeks. You know she has cheerleading practice now. So she's always hanging
out with the team."

"True. I'm going to St. Louis for a couple
weeks to hang out with my aunt."

Tracy's heart dropped when she heard the revelation.
There were still two weeks left in the summer and she would have nobody to hang
out with until school began.

"Oh no! You were my last hope," Tracy
said.

"You still have Keisha."

"Not really. . . ."

"Why not?"

"She is a little preoccupied."

"I don't even want to know."

"No, probably not."

"I'll be back the weekend before school
starts and I'll still call you when I'm down there. It's only a couple
weeks."

It was clear that the end of the summer was going
to be a drag, but Tracy wanted to enjoy what was left of it. She knew she would
miss it once the homework and projects started in September.

When Tracy returned to her grandmother's house,
her mother and grandmother were chatting in the garden. She took a seat on the
porch swing and listened to her them fuss over weeds. Her mind was focused on
what she would do for the rest of the summer without any of her friends.

After her mother grew tired of arguing they
retreated to the car and headed home. On the way, Janet stopped at the gas
station down the street from their house to fill up. Tracy jumped out to go
into the store. Inside she waited for the clerk to return to the register so
that she could pay for the fuel.

"Hey!"

A voice came from behind Tracy's back. She
swiveled around to see who they were addressing and realized it was Sabrina.
Tracy had met Sabrina at summer camp a year before. The two of them shared a
cabin and had spoken periodically since, but when Sabrina got involved with her
ex she stopped calling.

"Hi!" Tracy said.

"How are you?"

"Good. How have you been?"

"Really good. I just came to pick up some
milk for my mom. You still have the same number?"

"Yeah, you should call."

The clerk returned to take the cash and rang up
Sabrina's bill as well, but the girl lingered.

"I know. I've just been so busy. . . .I gotta
go bring this to my mom, but I'll have to call you and catch up."

"Yeah. Sounds good."

Tracy watched Sabrina leave the store and
disappear around the corner. She had wondered what had happened to Sabrina
since they last spoke, but did not want to intrude on her life. Sabrina was a
free spirit and she did not like to be tied down. Tracy knew this about her,
but the girl was fascinating. There weren't many people she knew that dressed
and acted like Sabrina. She walked around not caring what anybody thought.

Janet got back into the car as Tracy walked up to
open the door. Tracy passed her mother the change and receipt from the clerk.

"Who was that?"

"Sabrina."

"Oh that's Sabrina? She's a weird one."

Tracy laughed at her mother's twisted expression.
It was how most people thought of Sabrina. She wore flowy skirts, huge bangles,
and gigantic plastic earrings. Her hair was curly and wild, but it fit her
personality.

At camp the girls in their cabin laughed at her
feminist ideas because she was too young to know about half of the experiences
she spoke of. Most of it went over their heads. Sabrina's mother was an
activist and Sabrina was determined to be just like her. So she soaked up
poetry and books on women's rights. Nobody their age could ever understand
that. Tracy did not understand it either, but she enjoyed watching Sabrina's
passion flow out of her.

"That's my friend from camp," Tracy
said.

"I know who she is. She used to call all the
time. I've never seen anybody call every hour on the hour. That girl is
something else. I would have never guessed she looked like that."

"She always looks like that."

"I just didn't picture that. She has some
pretty hair though."

Janet drove into the garage and parked. Tracy went
inside to get settled on the couch. She looked through her cell phone and the
caller ID on the home phone, but there were no missed calls. Terry had
forgotten about her. She wondered how long it would be before her cell phone
was shut off completely. She was glad the split wasn't as dramatic and drawn
out as her last break up. It sucked to be alone, but it wasn't the end of the
world.

When Tracy woke up the next morning her mother was
still gone. Her hours had shifted and she was going in and staying at work
later. Tracy ordered take-out and turned on a movie. She tried calling Keisha,
but she still was not talking much. The movie was not on long before Tracy was
dozing off. Before she could sleep too long the doorbell was ringing. Tracy got
up to answer the delivery boy, but opened the door to see Sabrina.

"Hey! I hope it is okay that I dropped by. I
was on my way to the park and thought you might want to go?"

Tracy was shocked to see Sabrina again. It was a
pleasant surprise.

"Sure. I ordered some food. So once the delivery
guy gets here we can leave."

Tracy opened the screen door to let Sabrina in the
house and led her to the living room.

"Your house is so nice. I've never been
inside before," Sabrina said.

"Thanks. You still live in the same
place?"

"Yeah."

The two girls sat down on the couch. Tracy was
still tired but happy to have some company.

"So how is everything? The last time we spoke
you were getting back with your ex," Tracy said.

"Oh no. He is long gone."

"What happened?"

"It just wasn't working. He wanted to date
other people and so I said I wanted to do the same, but he was not interested
in that."

"What's the point if you're both seeing
whoever you want?"

"I didn't mind him sleeping around as long as
I could do the same, but he did not like that part."

"I imagine he did not."

Sabrina laughed. The girls watched television
until the doorbell rang again. Tracy could see a guy standing in front of the
screen. She went over to pay him and returned with the food.

"What have you been doing since I last spoke
to you?" Sabrina asked.

"Not much. Just school, you know?"

Tracy looked down at the plate on the table.

"No boys? No girls?" Sabrina laughed.

"No. Well, one guy, but it didn't last
long."

"Why not?"

"My mother didn't like him. So it was hard to
keep seeing him after she found out. Plus, I started going to a new school and
it was just too much for him."

"Did you love him?"

Tracy looked at Sabrina not sure how to answer.
She did not want to make her angry, but she could not think of anything else to
say.

"Yes. I guess I did."

"I love my ex, too. He's a jerk, but I still
love him. Sometimes I think he will be back. Maybe your guy will come back
too."

Everything Sabrina was saying confused Tracy. She
couldn't tell if she was looking for friendship or trying to rekindle an old
flame. Everything about her was bold and flirtatious, but that was also how she
behaved naturally.

"Maybe he will," Tracy said. "I
doubt it though."

Tracy knew Sabrina was stronger than her, but she
felt the need to protect her feelings. She had missed her before and did not
want to lose her again—as a friend and possibly more. Tracy sat back on the
couch wondering if they were still going to the park. Sabrina moved closer and
stared at Tracy until she turned to face her. Tracy saw Sabrina's giant eyes
fluttering. Sabrina pulled Tracy's hands toward her and placed them on her
thighs. She kissed her cheeks and lips gently. Tracy thought she should pull
back but didn't. The feeling was familiar.

They stared at each other until Sabrina came
forward to kiss Tracy again, but she stopped when she heard the sound of the
garage door. Tracy looked up to see her mother's car passing the window. She
got up to put the food away before her mother could complain.

Janet walked in on the phone and greeted her daughter
and her friend.

"Close the front door. You're letting the
cold air out," Janet said.

"Okay."

"Who is this?"

"Sabrina," Tracy said.

"Hi." Sabrina waved.

Janet flicked her hand in a wave. Then, she went
into the back of the house to finish her phone call. Tracy let out her breath
and laughed once her mother's door closed. It never occurred to her that she
did not have to keep Sabrina a secret because Sabrina was not someone her
mother would ever suspect. Sabrina was a friend in Janet's mind which made her
the perfect partner. It would be the easiest secret to keep.