Mr. Darcy Goes Overboard (3 page)

'Oh, Lizzy,' cried Jane, 'I must confess he is a blaze! The most delightful, handsomest, cutest guy I have ever had the good fortune to set eyes on.'

'And you, Jane, are quite the most delightful, handsomest, cutest girl he has ever had the good fortune to set eyes on. The perfect match.'

'Oh, don't tease me, Lizzy. And what of his sisters? Were they not awesome? Quite the most elegant creatures you ever beheld?'

'Elegant they may be but proud and unfriendly. First they spent their time frazzling in the sun to avoid conversation with us, and when this became too dull for them, they talked only to themselves, constantly keeping to starboard when we were on port, and when we moved to port, I could not fail to notice that they moved straightaway to starboard.'

'Oh, Lizzy! I am sure they meant nothing of that. They were simply trying to keep the boat well balanced for our comfort.'

Lizzy was not convinced but did not pursue the matter for fear of upsetting Jane. Bingley's sisters were indeed fashionable ladies, educated at a reassuringly expensive public school, who had inherited a fortune healthy enough to keep them active in the clothes shops around Sloane Square when in London--a hobby that for the summer season was being successfully maintained by diligent visits to the clothes' shops of Salcombe. The young ladies had made regular visits to the birthplace of Jack Wills. In addition, Crew, Joules, Fat Face, White Stuff, Quba, and Amelia's Attic had all felt the beneficence of these diligent shoppers and had happily yielded up their designer carrier bags to allow jackets, hats, stripy shirts, polos, hoodies, sweatpants, and jewellery to be transported back to Netherpollock.

Mr Bingley himself had inherited an equally fine amount of money on the passing away of his father. This had been a most distressing time, since Bingley was only a young fellow with his life ahead of him and barely out of 'A' levels. His intention to spend it on bricks and mortar had been encouraged by his older sisters, who planned to escape the north and spend their inheritance on houses in London but were keen to encourage him to buy a holiday house in Devon, where they could all holiday and keep the family together in such sorry times. The sisters contacted agents in Devon and Cornwall, and soon the particulars of tempting residences were dropping through the letterbox. But Bingley, still in mourning for his father, and with the likelihood of re-takes looming, was proving obstinately slow at doing anything with his newfound wealth. It was only on a visit to the dentist that Lulu, reading a surprisingly up-to-date copy of
Country Life
magazine, saw 'a gem of the Devon coastline' for sale, immediately fell in love with it on behalf of her brother, popped the magazine in her Gucci bag, and within half an hour of leaving the dentist with her jaw numb, had left the magazine open on the kitchen table of their family home in the north. And so it was that the young Charles Bingley spotted Netherpollock in
Country Life
, announced to his sisters that 'Dash it all! It's what the parentals would have wanted', and that he must have it, caught a train to Devon, a taxi straight to Salcombe, a water taxi across to Netherpollock, where he met the affable agent, ran around the house, enthusing at its splendid views, its delightful proportions, and was generally so happy and satisfied with everything that he put an offer in there and then and did not sleep soundly until he had exchanged and the property was his.

***

Happy in Netherpollock, happy with his sisters, happy with his steady friendship with Darcy, Bingley could not have been more different from the latter. Whereas Bingley was all smiles, Darcy was all grumps. Bingley made friends wherever he went; Darcy always managed to offend. But Bingley admired Darcy and took note of his judgement--Darcy, after all, was superior in intellect; not that Bingley was totally deficient. It was a reflection of his easygoing nature that Bingley was not offended by Darcy's superior, fastidious nature, and the two spent much time in each other's company. The manner in which they discussed the
Pemberley
drinks party perfectly reflected their characters. Bingley enthused he had never met such splendidly delightful girls in his life, whereas Darcy complained he had never seen a collection of people for whom he had so little regard. He did admit that the eldest Miss Bennet was very pretty, but she smiled too much. On the subject of Jane Bennet, the Bingley sisters agreed that she was a pretty, sweet girl whom they could tolerate in company. This was enough encouragement for Bingley to feel he could think of her as he chose.

Opposite 3 Island Street, where the Bennet family resided during their summer holidays, was Island Terrace, where the Lucas family resided during
their
summer holidays. As a young man, Sir William Lucas had worked in his family business, a shop entitled Knitter's Paradise, and had enjoyed a steady income for minimal effort for many years, allowing him to be tempted into standing as a local councillor, which upon election, he devoted himself to his duties with surprising vigour and with unparalleled enthusiasm for health-and-safety issues. So much so that he had managed to close down many dangerous businesses in his local town, as well as the scouts, rugby club, Sunday school, art class, and Pilates for the over eighties, saving lives and limbs, and ultimately resulting in his presentation at St James's for service to the community. But Sir William had paid a price for his diligence. The little town, now safe, was devoid of hustle and bustle. In short, it had become so stiflingly dull that Sir William was forced to move out during the summer months, for there was nothing for his children to do. He had cast around for a place to buy a holiday house, and being a man with a nose for fashion, realised one could not go wrong with Salcombe, and also being a man of inherited means, had enough money to be generous without causing himself too much distress. So it was with a warm heart he arrived in Salcombe, ready to sprinkle health-and-safety advice on locals and fellow holidaymakers.

His wife, Marcia, was a talented chatterbox but not too clever not to be a valuable neighbour to Mrs Bennet. They had several children, the eldest of which, Charlotte, a sensible, intelligent young woman, was Lizzy's intimate friend.

An event like drinks on the
Pemberley
could not go undiscussed by the Lucas and Bennet families, and so it was not surprising to see a group of them sitting on the jetty, enjoying ice creams and conversing over the previous day's events.

'You were favoured with early conversation with Mr Bingley, my dear Lottie,' said Mrs Bennet generously.

'Oh yes! We had a most interesting discussion about university. To think a young man should have a house in Salcombe and at the same time be applying to university. Why! It is most uncommon!'

'With such a fortune, I doubt he will take out a student loan,' added Kitty.

'A student loan! Heavens, child!' exclaimed Mrs Bennet. 'A man of Mr Bingley's means would not need such a thing as a loan. He has all the money in the world! A loan indeed!'

'University? Why I doubt he will be going anyway now he has gone completely loopy over Jane!' said Kitty.

'Really, Kitty!' interjected Mary. 'How could you speak in such ignorant terms? A young man of intelligence will always choose education over romance.'

'Oh chill out, Mary!'

'Why should I? My opinions are just as valuable as anyone else's. In fact, I would go further to say that in the present company, they are probably more valuable.' Mary licked her pistachio ice cream with vigour to prove her point.

'And what about Mr Darcy? Wasn't he insanely rude to poor Lizzy?'

'He is very proud,' said Lizzy, smiling. 'But I suppose he is a fine and outrageously rich young man who can afford yachts and champagne, so I suppose you could forgive him for being a little proud. In fact, I would forgive him for being such a bad prawn if he had not made me feel like one, too.'

As the summer days slipped by, the Bennets saw more and more of the Bingley party.
Angelica
proved invaluable for popping backwards and forwards to Netherpollock and Mill Bay. Bingley soon purchased his own rib, which he christened
Little Miss Splendid
, and the two rubber boats became a familiar sight nuzzling on the beach as their owners enjoyed picnics, games of cricket, and swimming in the clear waters. It became clear that Bingley was completely crazy about Jane. He was attentive and kind, always having a towel ready for her when she emerged shivering from the sea, offering a hand to help her to her feet after sunbathing may have made her dizzy, and in a daring moment, applying factor-fifty suncream to protect her snowy white back. Jane was cheerful and composed in response, so no one could guess which way her affections lay.

Lizzy remarked on Jane's strength of character to Lottie one day as they wandered down the beach towards the Venus Cafe for a quiet Magnum ice cream and was surprised by her friend's response.

'Jane's behaviour might be admirable in your eyes, but she is playing a dangerous game.'

'What do you mean?' asked Lizzy, astonished. 'A dangerous game? Are you suggesting Bingley is not what he seems? Is he some sort of criminal or undercover agent who means to trick dear Jane into a subculture of espionage or...?'

'Lizzy! Be serious. I simply mean that if Jane is so guarded in her behaviour, she may lose that which she most desires! Bingley is clearly head over heels in love with Jane, but if she shows him no encouragement, it may go no further. She must help him on.'

'But if I can tell she has a high regard for him, he must be a simpleton indeed not to discover it, too.'

'Lizzy, you have known Jane since the cradle. Bingley has only just become aware of her charms.'

'And it is up to him to discover her feelings.'

'Perhaps if he sees enough of her. But remember there are always crowds of sisters around. Jane should ensure that she contrives at least some time in his company alone. When she is secure of him, there will be leisure for falling in love as much as she chooses.'

'Fine, if her only desire is to be well married. But she has known him barely a fortnight and may not be sure yet of her own feelings. She has swum with him several times at Mill Bay and has visited Captain Morgan's twice with him for a slap-up breakfast, the Winking Prawn three times to enjoy a dozen king prawns for lunch, and snuggled up in the oak-beamed Victoria Inn four times for a fireside supper--but all in company. This is not quite enough to make her understand his character.'

'Not as you represent it. Had she merely visited a public house with him, it would be enough to ascertain whether he preferred Becks or Stella Artois; but you must remember that four evenings have also been spent in an intimate atmosphere together--and four evenings may do a great deal.'

'Yes. Those four evenings have enabled them to ascertain that they both like Vampire Weekend better than Glasvegas; but with respect to any other leading characteristic, I do not imagine that much has been unfolded.'

'Well,' said Lottie, 'I wish Jane all happiness, but I think she could dive in, tie the knot tomorrow, and be as happy as if she spent the next twelve months researching Charles Bingley and his suitability for marriage.'

***

So occupied was Lizzy in observing Mr Bingley's attentions to her sister that she failed to notice that she was becoming the object of some interest in the eyes of his friend Mr Darcy. Darcy, who had initially dismissed Lizzy, had become alarmed that with further observation where he had at first seen fault, he now saw strengths. Her face that he had so criticised, he now saw was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. Her manners, though not fashionable by Bingley's sisters' standards, were of a light and playful sort that could not fail to attract. In short, Darcy, despite himself, was falling in love.

***

It was at Sir William Lucas's barbeque bash that very evening that Darcy found himself wishing to become better acquainted with Elizabeth. It was a warm and balmy evening. Sir William had assiduously completed his health-and-safety check before guests arrived and had placed the barbeque on an upper level of the terrace and carefully put red-and-white tape around the steps leading to it to ensure no one should venture into such dangerous territory without his permission. Signs alerted guests to the uneven nature of the pavings, the drop to the side into the estuary, the fact that the sausages might be hot, so to wait at least three minutes before biting, and that drinks were limited to two each to avoid unpleasant side effects. With great pleasure and professionalism, Sir William generously gave a little health-and-safety speech once all the guests were gathered to advise them on dangers and precautions necessary, and then bade them to enjoy themselves, but not excessively.

Lydia and Kitty failed to heed the final warning of 'not excessively' and were on a mission to enjoy themselves a great deal. Barbeque parties in Salcombe were a thing to be treasured, grasped, and revelled in. Some of the more chavvy young guests, who had joined the party only by slipping through a hole in the social net of the Lucas invitation list, feared possible limitations on alcohol from Sir William, so prepared themselves by frontloading before arrival. Fortunately, the facility to vom over the sea wall meant the indiscretions of this minority passed largely unnoticed by the majority.

Lydia and Kitty were by no means of this category, but once at the party, gaily ignored the limit on two drinks and were soon singing, dancing, and laughing outrageously loudly with the clutch of handsome young men who had excessive thatches of blond hair or spiky black hair, wore pink shirts with the collars turned up and tails out, long shorts that fell off their waists and balanced dangerously on skinny hips, looking as if they might slip farther with the slightest provocation, and to Sir William's disgust, soft shoes with no socks--a smelly result at best, a health hazard at worst. But still, he was in no mood to complain. He was the host, after all, and was all smiles as the young people partied hard around him. He was surprised but delighted that Mr Darcy had deigned to come along.

'Is this not a pleasant evening?' Sir William ventured. 'It is always such a joy to see young people enjoying themselves, and,' he continued, observing a young man break dancing, 'how well they dance.'

'Any savage can dance,' retorted Darcy.

At that moment, Lizzy happened to step to one side to avoid being kicked in the teeth by the break-dancer and found herself directly before Sir William and Darcy.

'Ah, Elizabeth!' said Sir William. 'Mr Darcy and I were just discussing the pleasures of dancing. What a perfect opportunity for you, too, to show your prowess on the dance floor.'

Mr Darcy, though surprised, was not averse to taking Elizabeth as a partner, although break dancing was not his forte.

'Do not suppose I stepped this way hoping for a partner,' said Elizabeth quickly.

Mr Darcy acknowledged this but reiterated Sir William's suggestion that they might dance. Lizzy was determined in her refusal and moved away. Darcy's eyes followed her lithe figure as she threaded her way through the gyrating bodies.

'Hmmm.' A voice at his shoulder failed to avert his gaze.

'I can guess the subject of your reverie.'

It was Cazza Bingley.

'I should imagine not.'

'I think you are wishing to escape such a grotesque party?'

'You are quite wrong. I was meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.'

'And who is the owner of these "fine eyes?"'

'Miss Elizabeth Bennet.'

'Miss Elizabeth Bennet! Why, I am all astonishment. When are we to wish you joy?'

Mr Darcy allowed Cazza to continue in such a vein. He meanwhile spent the rest of the evening in pleasant observation.