Night Shifts Black (23 page)

With that, I turn and
retreat before he can stop me again. I can’t face him. Not now, maybe not ever
at this point. Because the truth is, I’m more than interested in that guy. I’m falling
hard for that guy.

∞∞∞

“You ok?” Luke asks when I make my way back
into his room.

“Fine. Why?” I say,
handing him his bagel.

He’s studying me, I
can feel his gaze, but I can’t meet it. My drama is the last thing he needs in
his life right now.

“You were crying,” he
says.

I shrug. “Just
allergies,” I lie.

He smirks. “Yeah.
Sure. Is this about the rumors?”

Now, I actually do
manage a smile. “No. Not at all. I’m not worried about that. I don’t have a
life to ruin. Just worried about you.”

He quiets, and I don’t
like the way he’s looking at me. “Is this about Casey?”

My throat constricts
as my brain goes into crisis mode. “Casey? What do you mean?”

He scoffs. “Please.
It’s obvious there’s something going on there.”

I look away and shrug.
“Not according to him. Look, can we just watch the movie?” I ask, dropping to
the bed.

“He said he’s not
interested? Really?”

I glare at him now.
For all the times I’ve respected his privacy over the last few weeks, he can’t
drop my crap for once? He holds up his hands in surrender at my look.

“Ok! Sorry! It’s
just…”

My gaze continues to
bore into him, daring him to finish that sentence.

“Casey Barrett thinks
it’s best that we keep our distance,” I explain, but the bitterness is too
pronounced. I had been going for matter-of-fact.

Luke grunts. “Ok. Then
Casey Barrett is lying to you.”

I glance at him
sharply, and he shrugs. “Well, sorry, but it’s true. I’ve known the guy for half
our lives. He’s crazy about you. I told him on Day One you two were perfect for
each other. He knew going into that first breakfast meeting what to expect. I’m
not at all surprised you guys hit it off. I called that from the beginning.”

Luke isn’t helping my
broken heart, and I can feel the tears hovering again. Just under the surface.
Just one more reminder of what I can’t have away from being a full-on episode.
It’s not going to happen.

“Are you starting the
movie or what?” I snap, and he shakes his head.

“Whatever. You two are
making a huge mistake.”

I glare at him. “Luke,
I’m begging you. Start the movie!”

He rolls his eyes, but
finally presses play.

∞∞∞

A knock at the door at minute 17 interrupts
our showing, yet again. The hero was just about to embark on his epic journey
through the rugged wastelands of some fictitious third-world country to rescue
some important politician from…I don’t know. I’m way too distracted to actually
follow the action. I’m only here so I don’t have to be out there.

Which is exactly why Casey’s
face is the last thing I want to see poking around the door at the moment. But here
he is, freshly showered and hoping for another change of clothes.

“Dude, you really need
to send for your stuff or go shopping,” Luke mutters, and Casey gives him a
look.

“What are you
watching?” he asks as he rifles through Luke’s drawers.

“
Absolute Descent
,” I answer. He glances at me quickly, then returns
to the drawers.

“Any good?”

“So far it’s fine,” I
return. “Just started fifteen minutes ago.”

“Can I sit?” he asks.

I want to say no, but
it’s not my call. It’s Luke’s, and I can feel his questioning gaze, which is
why I realize I’m completely screwed because Casey Barrett is my problem, not
his.

“Sure, man. We can go
out to the living room if you want.”

Casey shrugs. “No, this
is fine. There’s room.”

I almost openly glare
at him when he chooses my side of the bed instead of Luke’s. I have to suck in
my irritated grunt as I adjust so he can sit beside me. Again, I can feel
Luke’s satisfied smirk on my other side, and now I want to smack both of them.

“Are we finally
settled?” Luke asks.

“All good,” Casey
assures him, and I don’t like how close he is. I gave him plenty of room to
give me plenty. Instead his arm is resting against mine, his leg, his hip, the
heat of his body spreading through me, the clean scent of his shampoo filling
my head with brutal images of him in the shower. I’m so angry I’m sure I’m
scraping enamel from my teeth.

The movie hasn’t
resumed for more than two minutes before it happens. Suddenly, my hand is
brushed by his. Gently at first, so I think maybe it was an accident. But his
gaze turns on me, I can feel it, then a more intentional touch. Furious, I
finally blast him with a look that contains all the fire raging inside me.

He doesn’t shrink,
however, instead only grabbing my fingers, holding firm as I instinctively try
to pull away. His eyes continue to stare into mine, searching, waiting for me
to calm down. To forgive him. To understand something.

“If you two need to be
alone…” Luke teases, and I flinch, my face on fire. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so confused. I’m still mad at Casey. No, I want to be mad at him, but I’m
not. He has me burning with a different kind of fire again. The kind that will
get me in trouble if I don’t temper it with reality. I don’t understand why
he’s doing this to me. Why Luke is encouraging it.

I yank my hand away.

“I’m going to go get a
drink,” I say, sliding off the far edge of the bed.

“Callie…”

I don’t hesitate this
time, and exit into the hallway just in time to hear, “I don’t know what you
did, but you need to go fix this.”

I know Casey is
following me. I can hear him, sense his presence, and when I get to the living
room I spin around to confront him. But my angry words catch in my throat at
the expression on his face.

“I’m sorry, Callie…I…”

He shakes his head and
curses to himself. Clasping his hands above his head, he begins that distracted
pacing he does, and my inevitable compassion begins to creep back in, ever so
slightly.

Finally, he clenches
his eyes shut for a second before focusing back on me, a desperate look on his
face.

“I don’t date,
Callie,” he blurts, and I squint at him in surprise.

“Not ever?”

“Not seriously.”

He sighs and drops to
the couch. I follow, but stay a safe distance away. I trust him, just not
myself.

“My whole life has
been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up
watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings
wrecking others by dumping them.” He quiets and sucks in his breath. “Then the
finale of Luke and Elena.”

He shakes his head
again, deep in thought.

“Luke was my best
friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn’t surprised,
but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn’t be what Elena needed and I
knew Elena couldn’t handle what he was. I tried to warn them! I…” He covers his
face with his hands, and my heart starts to shift as it starts to understand.

Still, I don’t react
as he collects himself. I can tell he’s not finished and I want to hear him. I
want his story and I want it told his way. Finally, he clears his throat and
dares a look at me again. I want to reach out to him, but I don’t. It’s not
time.

“Anyway, they wouldn’t
listen to me. They were both so crazy about each other, it didn’t matter what
anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the
disaster unfold.” He closes his eyes again, and I can see the pain rushing
back. “And that’s what I did. Watched for three years as the two people I loved
most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves.”

He meets my gaze, his
eyes searching, pleading. “Do you know what that’s like?” he whispers, tears in
his eyes. “It killed Elena, and now it’s killing Luke, and I swore I’d never do
that to someone else! I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they
hurt each other. The way my dad hurt my mom. I don’t know how else to do that
except to stay away from them.” He quiets and rests his head in his hands, and
I can’t take it anymore.

I close the gap
between us and touch his arm, forcing him to look at me. He does, and I grasp
his hand.

“You’re not Luke. I’m
not Elena.”

He shakes his head, the
tears spilling to his cheeks. “You don’t know that. You…what if I am?”

I shrug and give him a
direct look, firm, confident. “You know what? Maybe you are, but you’re worth
the risk to me. You just need to decide if I am. You’ve told me many times I
have to start trusting myself. Trust who I am. So do you.”

He seems touched. And
conflicted.

Suddenly, he pulls
away and shakes his head again. “We can’t, though! Don’t you get it? I’ve got
maybe three to four months, then I’m gone again. I’m on the road all the time,
and even when I’m not, I’ve got obligations and expectations that take me
everywhere and…”

“Casey, stop!” I cry,
jerking his hands.

He blinks, and I shake
my head in exasperation.

“I’m not asking for a
ring, here!” I laugh. “I’m talking about just letting whatever this is develop
while it can. We can decide later what to do with it.” I take a deep breath.
“You can’t force yourself to be alone forever just because other people made
some poor decisions. What happened to Luke and Elena…” I sigh. “I can’t even
imagine what that was like for you, but that’s not going to happen with us.”

“But…”

I silence him with a
look and gaze hard into his eyes. “Casey, even if you break my heart you will
not break me. You won’t.”

I can’t tell if he
believes me, but I can tell he’s sincere, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted from
him. I believe him.

This time it’s
definitely me who initiates the kiss. He wouldn’t have dared, which is yet
another reason why I want nothing more than to be close to him at that moment.
Will he break my heart? Maybe. Probably. Just like I will break his at some
point, too. But I also know it would absolutely shatter mine to move on without
even giving myself the chance to get close to this amazing, talented, beautiful
person. I have to try, despite the pain, and I think maybe he’s starting to
understand that as well.

He pulls me hard
against him and I can sense the desperation in his kiss, how much he wants
this. How much he wants me. How hard it must have been to keep me at arm’s
length in his misguided attempt to protect me from the person he’s not. Just
the fact that he would try is all the evidence I need that he’s everything I’ve
come to believe he is. I want him so much it hurts as he guides me back on the
couch, our kisses, our bodies, trying to make up for lost time. I pull at his shirt,
my hands gliding along his back, his arms, locking him against me while his
lips trace my neck, my cheek, and back to my own. I can’t breathe. I can’t
think. I just know that I’ve never felt so wanted, so satisfied.

“Casey?”

“Yeah?” he breathes.

“We’re going to be
ok.”

He stops and focuses
on my eyes, that grin I so crave suddenly slipping back to his face.

“You think?”

I nod.
“Yeah.”

I reach up and run my
fingers along his jaw, staring into his incredibly complex soul. He lowers his
head and gives me another solid kiss before straightening and helping me up.

I’m not done with him
yet, though, and slide my arms around his waist as his tighten around my
shoulders. I just want to stand there forever, even though I know reality is
going to slap us in the face soon enough. For now, however, I let myself feel
safe, at peace, and yes, maybe even the slightest hint of love.

“Would you be upset if
I tell them to fix the PR mess by reporting that you’re my girlfriend instead
of Luke’s? No one would care then and they’ll leave you both alone.”

I lean back and glance
at him in surprise. “I don’t know. It depends. Is it true?”

He seems flustered.
“Um…I don’t know. Do you want it to be?”

I almost laugh.
“You’re kidding, right?”

His smile is shy this
time. “Well, I didn’t want to assume…I mean after being such an ass the last
couple days…”

“You were,” I tease,
before growing serious. “You have my permission to call it whatever you want,
but
you’re
my choice, Casey, not
Luke. Any rumors floating around about me should revolve around you.”

He bites his lip and
nods, and I can tell that means a lot more to him than I can even know. I can’t
imagine what it’s like to constantly live in Luke’s shadow. To love him and
have to fight the nagging temptation to be jealous of him at the same time. To
watch him get everything you deserve as well but will never have because labels
matter. Then again, I’m not so sure Luke has anything Casey wants.