Nobody Knows (18 page)

“Hello, I’m Doctor Vaughan,” he said, in a tone that wasn’t as comforting as the smile he flashed us. I stepped closer to Drew, resting my head on his shoulder and bracing myself for what was about to come.

“I’m Michael, Jason’s dad. How is he?”

Doctor Vaughan’s lips pulled into a straight line before he spoke. “Lucky. He’s lucky. Jason’s cocaine use triggered ventricular tachycardia, which in turn, led to ventricular fibrillation just as we got him into intensive care.”

He may as well have been talking a foreign language.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said. “What does that mean?”

“Ventricular tachycardia is a speeding up of the heart rate, and ventricular fibrillation occurs when the heart beats become irregular, and stop the heart functioning correctly. There’s only a short time to stop ventricular fibrillation from being fatal.”

Again, my body sagged against Drew’s at the doctor’s words.

Fatal.

This was everything we’d always feared. To have it happen at a time when Jason had been so well otherwise was... it was impossible to take in.

Drew’s face paled, and he collapsed down into one of the chairs, pulling me down with him, onto his lap. He held me tightly, both of us quivering against each other.

“What...how...?” Michael struggled to get his words out, and I reached out for his hand again. “Is he okay now? Is he going to be okay?”

Doctor Vaughan sighed. “It’s hard to tell at this point. He’s stable, and he’s responding well to the treatment. But... with ventricular fibrillation, there can be some complications.”

“What kind of complications?”

“There are several things which we will investigate through tests. There’s also a small risk of brain damage, due to lack of oxygen to the brain. Because Jason was already here at the hospital when it happened and we stopped it quickly, the risks are minimal. But we can’t rule anything out at this stage.”

Hospital. Overdose. Fatal. Complications. Brain damage.

The walls seemed to close in on me again. Every spoken word was loud in my ears, but I couldn’t hear their meaning. Everything distorted, everyone too close. I pushed Drew away and started running. Out. Outside to find air. Each step felt as though it happened in slow motion. The only thing reminding me it was real was the blinding pain shooting through my skull, and the sickness climbing out of my stomach.

The moment I fell through the doors into the cold, my knees gave way, and I sank to the ground, shivering.

It was easier to breathe away from the confines of the stuffy waiting room. Away from the people whose lives I might have contributed to ruining. All it would have taken was one word to Drew, and this would never have happened. Or if I hadn’t pushed Drew and Jason to talk, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. All logical thoughts about how, if Jason wanted to use, he would have no matter what I said or did floated around my head, but I couldn’t shake the guilt. Earlier, Jason said the dealer practically lined the coke up for him. I didn’t ever expect to feel like I’d done the same thing.

“Ellie.”

Drew’s arms raised me off the ground, then firmly secured me in a hug that threatened to crack my ribs. I didn’t care. I needed it. Needed to feel the comfort, before I told him the truth and maybe ruined everything between us before we’d really got started.

“I’m sorry I ran out.”

His hand burrowed inside my hair. “It’s okay, Ells. We’re going home now.”

“Home?” I asked, pulling away. “But... aren’t we going to stay with your dad?”

Drew shook his head. “He wants to be alone for a while."

“What else did the doctor say?”

“Nothing much. We just have to wait. Jason’s better, but there still aren’t any guarantees he’ll make it through the night.”

“That’s more reason for us to stay! If something happens to him-”

“Ellie, I can’t.” His gaze dropped. “Dad said he’ll call if anything happens but I can’t wait around here. It’s too much.”

I spent the drive home trying to figure out how to tell Drew I knew about Jason craving cocaine. Then trying to talk myself out of it.
Should I drop this on him when Jason’s life is hanging in the balance?
Drew felt responsible. I wanted to take the burden from him because it wasn’t his to carry. It was mine, at least in part. There was no ‘good’ option. Either way, it would result in more pain for Drew.

And what about Jason? From the minute Drew woke me, I’d stopped thinking about Jason as a person. My brain flicked into some weird preparation mode, readying me in case the worst happened. All normal human emotion disappeared, and while I was still terrified about whether or not he’d make it, I felt disconnected. From him, and from the situation. I knew for sure, if he could, Jason would tell me to keep my mouth shut, but he once had lying down to a fine art. That wasn’t me.

It was after two a.m. when we arrived back at my flat. Instead of a comfort, the silence was eerie. That strange stillness you feel when something big is happening, and you know the world is turning the same as always, but your own has stopped, waiting for the next piece of news.

Drew hadn’t uttered a word since we left the hospital. I didn’t need to ask what he was thinking; it was all there on his exhausted face. I couldn’t recall ever seeing him so afraid, but that wasn’t everything. A glimmer of anger lurked in his eyes, contributing to his guilt. I’d seen it so many times. I’d felt it myself. How could Jason keep doing this to himself, to us? And how could we be mad at him when he was suffering too?

“Thanks, Ellie.”

Drew’s voice startled me.

“What for? I was no help whatsoever. I ran away.”

“You stopped me knocking that nurse’s head off. You kept me calm. You kept Dad calm. You didn’t blame me for this when we both know I had something to do with it.”

I shook my head. “No. You didn’t.”

“He was fine until I laid into him. This isn’t a coincidence.”

“He wasn’t fine, Drew. You must have seen that while you were fighting. He was hurting before you said a word.”

“Then I pushed him. I pushed him into this, and-”

“Stop.” I reached up, cupping his face in my hands. “This wasn’t your fault.”

My thumbs lightly ran across his stubble as the weight pressing down on me pushed harder.
Those eyes.
They stared into mine, searching for answers. Searching to see if I meant what I said.

“Drew-”

I was cut off when his lips crushed against mine. The stubble that a second ago had been beneath my fingers, grazed my cheeks and chin. He grabbed at my hips, gathering me in.

“Wait.” I rested my hands against his chest, trying to catch the breath he’d stolen from me. “I need to tell you-”

“No more talking.”

His mouth bore down on mine again, body reacting faster than brain. His tongue pushed against my lips, and I let him in, letting him closer when I needed to step back, to think. Impossible when he held me against him, stealing my self-control with every touch of his lips. He’d never been like this before. Enthusiastic and hot as hell? Yes. But never with so much desperation, like the world was going to end and this was the way he wanted to spend his last moments. I loved it. Wanted it.

Jason’s lying in a hospital bed. You helped put him there.

I wriggled out of Drew’s arms. Jesus. My body still trembled from his touch while my mind insisted on thinking rationally. I wanted to smack myself for breaking away, or maybe for giving in when I needed to talk to him. Either way, I was frustrated as hell.

“How can you want to do this right now? After everything that’s happened.”

Drew buried his hand deep in my hair. “I need you, Ellie. Right now, I really need you.”

He kissed me again. More softly, but still with a desperation that screwed with my self-control. His pain hit full force, mixing with my own, causing tears to form in my eyes. Lips brushed against my eyelids, cheeks, the tip of my nose, along my jawline.

“Please,” he whispered. “Please.”

As the first tear dropped, I moved closer, taking his face in my hands again. Nothing more needed to be said. This time, when he kissed me, I responded with equal intensity, tugging at his shirt because he wasn’t close enough.

Couldn’t get close enough.

I didn’t realise how much I needed him, needed this. To lose myself in him, and let him lose himself in me. Everything we felt became fuel for our hands to tear at each other’s clothes, pulling and ripping. Instead of heading to my room, Drew shuffled me towards the living room, our clothes leaving a pervy Hansel and Gretel trail behind us as they dropped to the floor.

Well, this is new.

When Drew lifted me up onto the edge of the dining room table, only our underwear remained intact; doubts were nothing more than a distant memory. He unhooked my bra and tossed it across the room; hungry lips found my breasts, stubble scratching hard against my skin. As Drew’s mouth continued its assault, I slipped my hands inside his boxers, tugging them down and thrusting my hips forward, feeling how much he wanted me. Heat shot through me as he gave a low, primal growl. I raked my fingers through his hair then pulled him up to me, needing his mouth on mine.

God, I loved the way he felt under my hands, the way he responded to my every move, the salty sweat on his skin.

Tender kisses turned to animalistic need. From the force of Drew’s fingers digging into my flesh, I was sure I’d be bruised in the morning.

I didn’t care. Being wanted this way, this much, lit a fire in me. I nipped at his neck and shoulder with my teeth and he firmly held my hips, lifting me up just enough to rip my knickers off, pull me towards him, and thrust inside me, our eyes connecting.

My pulse spiked. Behind the intense expression so familiar to me, something else shone through. A wildness, like a caged tiger that had been set free; free to roam, to explore. To claim.

I moaned, loud and desperate, clamping my legs around him, pressing my hips against his and burying my head against his shoulder. As he brought me closer and closer to the edge, I refused to fall, not yet,
not yet
. I bit harder, trying to hold on; making him growl again, making him push harder until neither of us could stop the waves any longer.

Cries of pleasure, cries of
relief
, bounced off the walls around us, echoing through me as my shaking, sweaty body sagged against Drew’s. Weak, but so damn satisfied.

Without a word, Drew scooped my trembling form from the table, and carried me to my room. Carefully, he pulled back the duvet, and lowered me onto the cool, crisp sheets before climbing in beside me and gathering me in his arms again, softly kissing my forehead.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

“No,” I mumbled into his chest. “Wanna do it again.”

“I didn’t hurt you?”

“No.” I closed my eyes, allowing my flesh to recall every lash of his tongue, the burn of his stubble. I still felt the imprint of his hands pressing into my skin and I wanted to wail out loud from how good it felt to let him take control, to do exactly what he wanted.

“Ells?”

“Mmhmm?”

“Are you sure?”

I tilted my head a little, peering up at him from beneath my eyelashes. “You didn’t hurt me.”

Concern melted away from his eyes, leaving them warm, soft. A million miles from the feral blaze that burned through me earlier. I smiled, neither of us needing to say any more. I could have told him I loved him, told him how lucky I was to have a best friend and a man who could make my head spin rolled into one sexy package. How I couldn’t imagine being without him.

I didn’t say any of those things. I knew he heard me above the noise of everything else that had happened that day. There was no need for words.

Morning brought good news. Jason had woken up shortly after we left the hospital, with no brain damage, and no lasting damage to his heart. He was, however, experiencing the “coke crash,” and it was sort of an unspoken agreement that, whether he wanted to or not, he would be going back to rehab as soon as possible.

Drew had been quiet since we woke up curled in each other’s arms. He was being extra gentle with me; his touches light and his kisses soft, as if he trying to make up for being rougher than usual the night before. My insistence that I was fine hadn’t trickled into his brain yet, in part because he had other things on his mind, and in part because he was, well, Drew.

After Michael called to tell us Jason would be fine, Drew retreated farther into his silence. Not in a blocking me out kind of way. More pensive, and trying to come to terms with everything. It scared me that I didn’t know what he was thinking, but physically, he kept me close, and that was enough for me.

Our sense of happiness about Jason’s diagnosis shattered in an instant when Drew and I arrived at the hospital.

The entrance was swarming with reporters.

We pulled into the car park as my phone started to ring. After some sloppy parking, I cast my eyes down at the screen. Mum.

“Deja vu, anyone?” I gave a weary sigh,

“We should start getting papers delivered. That way we’ll know what we’re doing at the same time as everyone else.”