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Pathetic Hesitancy

THIS WASN'T JAKE. NOTHING ABOUT
this was Jake. Jake didn't wait. Jake didn't hesitate. Jake wasn't patient. If there was something he wanted, he set his sights, and he locked on target, and he went for it.

Be a man.
That was the point It was a stupid, ancient, macho cliché, fine, but that didn't make the sentiment any less true, and it didn't mean they weren't words to live by. They were in fact words Jake generally lived by. And they had done him nothing but good for the first eighteen years of his life. So why should this be any different? Why should tonight be any different?

But it was different. It was different because it was Gaia. And that meant a few things. It meant that what was happening between them was a little more awkward than it should have been—than it ever had been for him before. It meant that it was serious because Gaia was serious: she didn't titter and squeal and chase after boys and parties like the majority of the girls he'd spent his time with. And most of all, it meant that it was complicated. Gaia was complicated. Her life was
way
more than complicated. Jake might consider himself a pretty simple guy, but nothing was simple when it came to this girl. He knew that. He understood that.

But still, it was time. It was time to make his point. It was time to get the words out. It was time to tell her
that he didn't want to wonder anymore. He didn't want to wonder exactly where they stood or where they were going. He wanted the whole thing—the entire package. Jake and Gaia. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Completely committed and together. Fighting, walking, eating, sleeping. Together.

And sex. Yes, he wanted that. He wanted that very badly. But the point here—the
real
point here . . . was love.

Jake was in love with her. And he simply needed to know that she was in love with him. Which he was very much starting to believe she was.

Or maybe she wasn't? She was so goddamn awkward, serious, and complicated, he still honestly wasn't sure. “This is my boyfriend, Jake.” Those were the simple words he wanted to hear coming out of Gaia's mouth. But did she want it or not? The only way to know was to ask. To ask her point-blank.

So why had he spent the last who-knows-how-many hours with her walking and hanging out all over the Village, doing everything but? They'd talked about every other conceivable topic. They'd eaten hot dogs from Gray's and fake ice cream. She had rested in his lap on park benches and given him light kisses on the stoops of brownstones. She'd held his hand almost the entire time they'd walked, which, from what Jake understood, was a pretty un-Gaia-like thing to do. Of course, they were supposed to be heading up to her Seventy-second Street apartment to pack up
all her things and move her down to that boarding-house, but neither one of them had really wanted to get to that. It seemed like they'd both just wanted the evening to go on like this for as long as humanly possible, without ever calling it a night.

But he still hadn't asked her. He
still
hadn't found the right moment to lay it on the line. And it was only getting darker and darker. And he was only starting to feel more and more like a chicken. Less and less like a man.

And as it got on past eight, they had found themselves coming nearly full circle as they strolled onto the darkened pavement of Washington Square Park. Which was fine with Jake. Because it somehow seemed like the most appropriate place to ask. It was her place, Jake knew that. It sort of represented her somehow. Urban and beautiful. Gorgeously light when it was light and incredibly dark when it was dark. And maybe now Washington Square Park could be the place Jake and Gaia remembered as the exact spot where they officially started going out.

Jake finally shook off his pathetic hesitancy and grabbed hold of Gaia's arms under a huge overhanging tree, planting her still on the ground so he could look straight into her eyes and cut the crap.

“Gaia.”

“Jesus, what?” Gaia's eyes widened with surprise at the force of Jake's hands around her arms. Jake loosened his grip a bit. But not much. This was too important.

“Gaia, listen,” he said quietly. “I don't know what's wrong with me here. I'm avoiding my ass off. So just listen.”

“Jake—”

“No, listen.” The wind had kicked up through the park, carrying that uniquely New York sound that combined distant traffic and a far-off industrial whir with the rustling leaves of the trees. The huge expanse of white noise surrounding them only made their voices seem closer.

“You know,” Jake said, “every day I'm zoning out completely through all my morning classes, just staring at the clock. I burn freaking holes in that thing, trying to force the hands to hit twelve so I can break for that stupid cafeteria and find you.”

“I know,” she said, puffing out an embarrassed little laugh. “Me too. It's sick, isn't it?”

“No, it's not sick. There's nothing sick about it. The same way there's nothing sick about the way I want to find you after school. And stay with you for the rest of the day. And stay with you for the rest of the night. It's not sick, Gaia, it's just—it's just . . . what we should be. I mean really be. Officially. You know what I mean?”

Jake searched Gaia's eyes for clues. But the deeper he searched, the less he could understand. And the longer she stayed silent, the more he was starting to feel like the world's biggest asshole.

Invincible

NOW'S THE PART WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED
to talk. Isn't that obvious?

Every additional word in Gaia's head was only making her pathetic silence last longer. And so the silence went longer and longer as an endless stream of words piled up in her head.

So much of her wanted to break the goddamn old-Gaia spell. She knew what Jake wanted. She knew what he was asking for. She'd known it all day. He wanted the whole thing. The real thing. The full commitment. And so much of her wanted it, too. So much of her wanted this to be a huge part of her new beginning. It started with her family, but getting things right with Jake was just as important. She didn't just want to give over fully to Jake; she
needed
to. She needed to prove to herself that she could do it.

Old Gaia couldn't. She'd proved that with Sam. She'd proved it with Ed. Old Gaia couldn't make it work. Not with her life in a continuous shambles. Not with sick, twisted assholes chasing her down and ripping her heart out all the time. But new Gaia . . . new Gaia didn't have all that crap to contend with anymore. At least, she wasn't supposed to. . . .

But God help her, she still couldn't shake it. She couldn't shake off all the times she'd been burned before—all the innocent people she'd hurt. She couldn't drag another boy in. Even if the danger
seemed miles away—even if it
seemed
like it was never coming back—she couldn't trust it. She couldn't bring another boy into the middle of that danger ever again.

Except . . . in Jake's case . . . maybe she could?

Jake could handle himself. If that danger ever presented itself again, they could help each other. They could
protect
each other.

And what if the danger never did resurface? What if the danger was truly over? She could go on for years like this, never letting anyone into her life, only to find years later that she'd lived her whole life alone for no good reason.

No. She had to take the leap. She had to. She had to believe that the danger was gone. If she couldn't take that leap, then there was no way she could truly start her life as new Gaia. And if she couldn't be new Gaia, then there was really no point in anything anymore. New Gaia was the entire and only point now.

She had to tell Jake that she was ready. Whether she was or not. She had to tell him that she was ready to go there. . . .

“Oh, that is
so her,
man. That is
so
the very same
bitch!
”

The repellent voice had blared out from the bushes just across the pavement. Gaia dropped her eyes from Jake's and scanned the bushes, trying to target the origin of the voice.

No,
no. Not now. This has to be a joke. Someone is
trying to play a practical joke on me here, and they just don't know that they've chosen a very, very bad time.

“Oh, man, what the hell was that?” Jake growled, pounding his fist back against the tree. He was clearly just as frustrated as Gaia was with this asshole's timing. If the dude wanted to pick a fight
any
other night,
any
other time, that would have been just fine by Gaia. One more god-awful street spat in the park for old times' sake. If it had to be, it had to be. But not
now.
Not at this particular moment.

“Gaiaaaa,” another voice called out. “Is that Gaiaaaa?” Then he howled out the most disturbing and pathetic cackle.

Great. Now there are two of them. That's just exactly what I need right now.

“Let's just take 'em,” Jake said, moving in front of Gaia to protect her. “We deal with them, and then we get back to our conversation.”

“No, Jake, let's just go,” Gaia complained, pulling him back behind her. “We don't need anymore of this—”

“Let's
slice
and
dice
!” another voice howled out.

And before Gaia and Jake could even move, they suddenly found themselves in the middle of the fastest ambush she had seen in quite some time.

There were at least six of them. No, seven. Then eight. Skinheads, of course. The world's most ignorant brotherhood. With their offensive swastika T-shirts,
and their ten thousand piercings all chained together, and their stupid hard-core combat boots, and their phallic-substitute Leatherman knives. All the same old crap.

Only something was different. Something was very different. In their eyes. In the expressions on their faces. Even their voices . . .

“You're going to eat this knife,” one of them bellowed, creeping quickly toward her. “You're going to swallow the entire thing, and you're going to bleed.” He seemed to be the leader. He had no shirt on, and his body was covered in white-power tattoos. A big silver swastika earring was dangling from his left ear. His black eyes were stretched twice as wide as they should have been, darting from side to side with the manic speed of an insect. He was practically foaming at the mouth.

They all had that look. The same wide vibrating eyes. The veins bulging out from their necks like they were about to burst. What was this? What the hell was wrong with them?

Gaia and Jake both began to crouch into a fighting stance.

“Do you have any idea how long I've been
waiting
for this?” the leader said as his boys moved closer and closer from all sides like starving wolves. The words were pouring out of his mouth like vomit, one after the other, faster and faster. “Do you know how
long
we've all been hiding like freaking
girls
from the big bad Gaia
bitch
?”

Gaia could practically see his heart pounding, trying to rip its way right out of his chest. His head was shaking harder and harder with every word. What the hell was he on?

“What's wrong with you?” Gaia uttered. “What's wrong with all of—?”

“We were goddamn cowards!” he shouted. “We were all cowards! We didn't have the
power.
”

They all hollered their agreement as their mouths spread into wide, manic grins.

“The power of
God
!” one of them shouted.

“Hell, yes! That is the power of
God,
bitch. The power to reach down your throat, tear your freaking heart out, and
eat
it. And tonight's the night. Tonight is dead Gaia night! This is for my cousin.”

And then he lunged. He lunged hard and fast. Faster than she'd expected. Faster than either one of them had expected.

“Jake!” Gaia hollered, dropping and rolling to her right.

Jake whipped his body back against the tree, just barely dodging the full-force swipe of the blade.

“Bye-bye!” The leader had started to giggle as he took another full swing at Jake with wide-eyed abandon. “Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!” Jake leapt for the bushes
and rolled to safety, but he was met with a stiff black combat boot to the head.

And then they were all shouting it—choruses of gleeful “bye-byes” as they mercilessly stormed Gaia and Jake.

Gaia shut out every sound. Her eyes took over as her body locked into a purely unconscious focus. Knife by knife, face by face, she began picking her targets and her order of moves. And then she sprang into action. Literally.

Her body floated over the grass as her leg snapped out at the first knife, ripping it from one of the psycho's hands. She landed directly in front of him, cramming her knee into his groin as he doubled over and then shooting her foot forward straight at his chin, sending his entire torso back like a rag doll.

Jake leapt off the ground and grabbed one of their wrists, twisting the skinhead's entire arm back and then tossing him overhead. His chain-covered body careened forward headfirst into the tree with a loud, jangling thud.

“Gaia, behind you!” Jake warned.

Before she'd even turned her head, she snapped her elbow behind her, cracking the nose of whoever it was standing there. Then she reached back, felt for his center, and flipped him directly onto his pathetic bony ass. He let out a loud sound as he writhed on the ground.

But it wasn't the sound of pain. . . .

It was the sound of laughter. His writhing body had given in to fits of laughter. And then, quite suddenly, he pounced back up off the ground and came at Gaia again. Even harder and faster this time.