Not Another Soldier (22 page)

But before I can react, she glares at me and storms
past into the bedroom. I follow her in.

“You’re not my keeper, Nick,” she says as she unzips
her uniform.

Cute yellow polka dot panties and a matching bra greet
me, and I clench my fists at my sides. I sit on the bed to prevent me from
grabbing her. Christ, all that skin is enough to test any man’s strength. I
hunger to start peeling her underwear off. To lick and taste each piece of skin
as I reveal it, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t take too well to that.

 She walks around me, apparently oblivious to my
agony and pulls out some full-length fleece pajamas. Once they’re on, I
understand why she went through that. It’s like a defense. Maybe she thinks
making herself look all scruffy will put me off.

She’s wrong.

“I didn’t mean to snap, babe,” I try.

“I know,” she responds tightly, pausing to study me on
her bed.

I kinda expect her to come into my arms and kiss me,
but instead she turns on her heels and strides into the kitchen to put the
coffee pot on. I’m forced to trail after her again like a lost puppy. It’s
pretty humiliating. A damned Marine acting like a fussing housewife. Perched on
the bar stool, I concentrate on sucking in breaths through my nose. I am
starting to get a little irritated and I really don’t want to blow my top with
her. I don’t want to blow anything right now. I’m having to tread carefully
again, not quite sure whether I should advance or retreat. Damn and I thought
I’d made good progress yesterday.

“What’s going on, short stuff?”

“Nothing.” She pours out a coffee. “You want one?”

“No.” I know she’s using it as a distraction.

Adding milk and sugar to her coffee, she barely looks
at me. Her body is rigid, her eyes dimmed. This girl… I remember her. This was
what she looked like when she’d been forced to put up with another of Rob’s
shenanigans. Resigned and hopeless. I never believed I’d see her looking like
that around me.

“Sienna, I know you and I know something’s up. Just
tell me what’s going on.”

I reach across to grasp her hand but she clenches it
around her cup. Taking a small sip, she closes her eyes, opens them and places
the coffee down on the counter.

“I don’t think I can do this.”

I cock my head, unsure if I heard right. She said it
so quietly. “Do what?”

“This. Us.” She motions between us. “I don’t know if I
can do it.”

Fuck. I reach around and rub the back of my neck. I
was waiting for this in a way but after yesterday, I’d convinced myself it
wasn’t going to happen. I thought she was confident enough in herself now—and
in us—to move on.

“What’s changed? You knew what you were getting into
before so why the sudden change of heart? Don’t you love me?”

I watch the fragile skin of her neck gulp and I want
to kick myself for my harsh tone. I’ve fought so hard to make her mine and I
can feel her slipping through my fingers. It was torture before, loving her and
not being able to have her, but I’m not sure I’ll survive knowing she loves me,
remembering what it’s like to have her in my arms, while not being able to have
her as mine.

Tears sparkle when she lifts her gaze to mine. “Of
course I love you. But all this… it’s been crazy. I need some time, Nick. I’ve
only just buried Rob—”

The mention of
him
makes my nostrils flare.
“Rob,” I spit and stand, my stool screeching back. “You use him as an excuse
not to get close to me. You never loved him like you love me, so why does he
always get brought into this? I am not Rob.”

“I know you’re not. I’m not stupid, but I suffered for
five years in a loveless marriage. Do you know how horrible it is knowing
you’re not enough for someone? Lying in bed knowing they’re fucking someone
else? Seeing the disappointment in their eyes when they realize what they’ve
married? He made me weak and pathetic and I can’t let myself get like that. In
spite of it all, I still worried for him, still found myself fearful of him
getting shot. And I don’t even know why! It’s because I’m fucking weak, Nick,
and I can’t do that again.”

I step back, slightly reeling from the outpour. It’s
nothing I didn’t know but she’s never voiced it like that. The bitterness and
fear in her tone eats at me. “Caring for someone isn’t weak, Sienna. You’re a
caring person, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

She presses her shaking palms to the countertop. “I
just need time. That’s all I’m asking.”

I set my jaw. “Things won’t change. I’ll still love
you and you’ll still love me. We need each other, short stuff. That won’t
change. Why put us through that?”

“I might need you, but I don’t know if I want you. I
don’t know if I want this. There was a woman at the hospital today, she’d had a
miscarriage. Her husband was away and they’d just moved. You could tell the
strain was killing her and had probably caused the miscarriage. I don’t want
that to happen to me—to us. I don’t want to resent you and the job that you
love.”

Does she have any idea how painful her words are? I
don’t get it. It won’t seem to slot into place in my brain. Surely if she loves
me as much as I love her she’d be willing to do anything? I even said I’d quit
the Marines for her. The job I wanted to do since I was a boy. But Sienna
doesn’t seem to be able to make the same choices.

“I’m not saying it will be easy.” I speak carefully,
wary of my temper flaring inside. “But when is a relationship ever easy?”

“I don’t even know if I want a relationship.” Sienna
comes around the counter and jabs at my chest with her finger. “You were the
one that pushed for this. You know that. And you pushed me before I was ready.”

“How long do you expect me to wait?” I snatch her
wrist and hold it away from me. “How long, Sienna? I’ve been a patient guy. I
sat there and held your hand while you were dealing with your marriage and I’ve
been here while you pick up the pieces. There’s only so much a guy can take.”

“I didn’t ask you to help!” She tries to pull her
wrist from my grip and her eyes widen when I refuse to let her go.

I’m kinda scared to let her go. None of this is going
well. I’m too angry and frustrated to think straight, and what happened at the
hospital today has clearly confused her.

“Let me go,” she demands quietly and I don’t know if
she’s talking about her arm or her. For good.

I swing my gaze from her wrist to her wary gaze and
back again. The last act of a desperate man. That’s what this will be. Instead
of releasing her, I use her arm to pull her close and wrap my arms around her
before she can escape. I lower my mouth to hers and kiss her hard. She lets out
a squeak of surprise and struggles against me.

Idiot that I am, I thought she’d melt in my arms but
her lips are clenched tightly shut and she’s fighting me. Shit. I release her,
burned and ashamed. Sienna stumbles back against the counter and grips the
side. Her cheeks are red and indignation—maybe even a little fear—blazes bright
in her eyes.

I turn, slam my palm against the wall and take a
breath. Damn it to hell, I’ve just proved myself no better than Rob. Without
looking at her, I stride into her bedroom and snatch my bag. I take a couple of
seconds to grab my toothbrush and shower gel and stuff them into it. Zipping it
shut, I come out the bedroom to find her still gripping the breakfast bar.

I blow out a long, low breath. “I’m sorry, Sienna.
That was stupid of me. I’m gonna go and give you some space. Just… just be
careful, okay? Look after yourself, short stuff.”

Lip tucked under her teeth, she nods slowly. She can’t
even meet my gaze. Godammit, I am such an asshole. My knees weaken beneath me
as if urging me to fall to my knees and beg her to let me stay but I have a
little pride left. Not much when it comes to Sienna, I’ll admit, but I still
have a little. I’m not going to force myself on her. Not this time anyway.

My chest aches just thinking about it but I’m going to
leave her. I’ll do what she wants, no matter the cost to me. I briefly consider
brushing a kiss across her cheek but quickly change my mind. I don’t think
she’d take well to it after what I just did. I can’t believe I blew all my
damned efforts with such a stupid move.

“See you around.”

She doesn’t respond, just wraps her arms around her
waist and nods slowly.

That’s it then. Raking a hand through my hair, I leave
her apartment and don’t look back. All I can do is leave and hope she’ll come
around. I pray she does as I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive long without
her.

***

Sienna

It’s a real battle to drag yourself out of bed when
your heart hurts. As soon as I open my eyes, a swirl of dread hits my stomach
before I can remember why.
This is what you wanted,
I remind myself. But
I didn’t want heartache and loneliness. I wanted time to find myself.

But what if I’d already found myself? What if that
already happened when I was in Nick’s arms?

Scraping a hand through my tangled hair—proof of how
badly I’ve slept—I drag myself to the bathroom. After I’ve been to the toilet
and had a shower, I study myself in the mirror. Yep, just as bad as I expected.
Face drawn, dark circles. My appetite has gone and it’s starting to show. You’d
think I’d gone years without Nick, not a week.

I can’t believe he’s not even called or texted. For
someone who wanted to marry me, he’s being real cold. Again I remind myself
who’s to blame.

Me.

I pushed him away. I said I needed time to think. The
problem is, without Nick here, I can’t seem to think straight. What good is
space when the place you do your thinking best is wrapped in the arms of
another? But now doubt is eating in. What if he’s changed his mind? What if
he’s decided I’m not worth the hassle? A week apart might have made him realize
I’m not that great after all.

And I’m not really. But I’m better than I believed I
was when I was married to Rob. I’m strong, I know that now. And I’m witty and
friendly and kind. I can go out and make friends, and not rely on one person
anymore.

I practically see the realization come over my face.
What I’d been searching for after I buried Rob has been here all along. It was
just hidden—slightly trampled perhaps by Rob. I got lost and Nick helped me
find myself again.

Bad things happen. Anything could happen to Nick or
me, but shielding myself from it won’t make life any better. I’m truly
miserable without him. I know now that the amazing times we have together will
more than make up for whatever the army does to us. With my strength and his
honesty, we’ve got a really good shot at making it work.

Straightening, I hurry to put on my makeup and brush
my hair. I glance at the reflection of my digital clock in the bathroom mirror.
“Shit.”

I’m due at work in forty-five minutes. No time to sit
around and think. I throw my hair into a messy updo and fling off my towel
before slipping into my uniform. Taking the time to toss the towel into the
laundry, I pause when a familiar fragrance greets me.

Nick’s cologne. I pluck the T-shirt out of the laundry
and hold it to my nose, inhaling deeply. God, I miss him. My heart aches again
and confirms what I just figured out. I need Nick. I am willing to do
anything—absolutely anything—for Nick. Including becoming a military wife
again. I know, deep down, it will be different this time. I won’t shut myself
away and allow myself to be treated like a trophy wife, only brought out on
special occasions.

I also get that Nick would never treat me that way. He
wouldn’t choose a night out with the guys over me and he would never, ever hurt
me. There will be times when he’s gone or when we might have to move or have
our lives dictated to us, but it will all be worth it. Because I love Nick and
Nick loves me.

I hope.

Kneeling, I hunt for my work shoes under the bed. As I
put them on, I scan the room for my cell. Should I text him? Call him? Shit,
I’ve hardly got any time. I’ve got to have breakfast and get to work in thirty
minutes. How can I explain everything in a text? I must have hurt him bad with
my constant rejections. If he’s even feeling a fifth of what I am, a text won’t
cut it. And I don’t have time for a call. If I’m going to convince Nick I’m
worth loving, then I need time.

Even though I know nothing’s resolved yet, I can’t
help feel like I’ve got a spring in my step as I snatch my keys and handbag. I
shove the keys into my bag and go to the door, only to have to dash back to the
kitchen when I realize I’ve left my cell in the kitchen and forgotten to grab
anything for breakfast. I take an apple from the fruit bowl and bite into it as
I scroll through my cell. My gaze lands on the last text I got from Nick when
he was still staying here.

Get some wine in. I love you. More than anything.

It’s not poetry but it makes my heart skip. Surely if
Nick doesn’t feel as strongly as I do, he wouldn’t have stuck around for so
long? I stare at it for another moment and nod to myself. I’ve got to try.
After work, I’m going straight over to the base and telling him everything. I’ll
beg if I have to. Though I’d rather not. Hopefully it won’t come to that.