Authors: RJ Jones
Jake
It was early Sunday morning when Cam came through the front door while I was lacing up my running shoes. I know he hated night shifts, but they were a necessity of his job. But that morning there was something different, something
more
and he wouldn’t look in my direction as he dropped his bag.
Cam and I hadn’t been communicating that much, but since my talk with Caroline, I needed to convince him to see a psychiatrist.
“Hi,” I said, my voice quiet. Cam still wouldn’t look at me. “You want coffee?” I asked, trying to get him to acknowledge my presence, my anger rising with his avoidance.
He padded slowly to the living room and stared out the large window. “Uh, yeah, thanks,” Cam answered after a long minute.
“Cam?” I waited for a response or maybe a glance. I got nothing.
“Cam, what’s wrong?” This mood was new, one I hadn’t seen before, and I thought I’d seen them all in the past few weeks. Things were incredibly strained between us. We’d shared a takeout meal the other night, and it was the first time we’d eaten together in weeks.
He stared at me then and I could see the weariness in his eyes, but there was something else there as well. Something significant had happened that left him looking… guilty?
He remained silent, his gaze darted away, and there was a grave look on his face. Cam might not be able to look at me, but I could still read him.
“What have you done?” I whispered. He’d done something, I could feel it. He looked like a teenager who’d broken a window with his baseball, and although I didn’t want to know, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“What? I haven’t done anything.” He swallowed audibly, his eyes tight.
“You’ve done something that I’m not going to like. Just because you don’t look at me doesn’t mean I can’t see something’s wrong. I can still read you.” I stood and I rubbed my temples, my frustration building.
“I haven’t
done
anything. I’ve just finished a really long double shift. Why does that equate to me
doing
something?” Cam refused to look in my direction, preferring to play with a loose thread on his jeans.
As I watched him, I had a moment of clarity I wished I didn’t.
“It’s Kris, isn’t it?”
“What, no, of course not, why… why would you think that?” He was babbling, and my stomach twisted with his lie.
“What did you do?” I asked again, my voice pained.
“
I
didn’t do anything.”
“Something happened between you two, I can see it. It’s written all over your face. Jesus Christ.”
His extended silence confirmed it, and the quiet went on forever.
“Damn you,” I whispered. “Damn you.”
“It’s not what you think. Nothing happened,” Cam said a little too quickly.
“Explain it to me, then. If it’s not what I think, tell me exactly what happened, because I
know
something did.”
He hesitated for long seconds, running his hands through his hair. He looked at the floor. The lump in my throat wouldn’t leave and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Kris… he… he kissed me,” Cam whispered to the carpet.
My breath left me in a whoosh, and my head whirled.
“He kissed you?” I asked, my voice soft, not believing what I heard. He nodded. It was then that the truth hit me like a truck that made my head spin even more, and I grabbed the chair to steady myself. Acid bubbled in my empty stomach.
“You kissed him back, didn’t you?” I asked, “You didn’t push him away or tell him to stop. You kissed him back.”
My anger rose and I felt the warmth heating my neck and cheeks. I stood, gripping the chair, my knuckles white and my head swam with the realization that our relationship had gotten this screwed up.
“You
kissed
him! How could you do that to us? With all the shit we’re going through, you go and do that?” I screamed. I couldn’t believe what he’d done.
Cam turned and looked at me with narrowed eyes, his guilt replaced by anger.
“Yes, I kissed him back. Happy now? I kissed him back because he wanted me. I had a really crappy shift and it was comforting to know
someone
wanted me. It wasn’t planned but it happened, and I felt needed and wanted for the first time in weeks.”
What?
I couldn’t contain my shock and horror at his words. My mouth agape, I stumbled, my ass hitting the table.
“You felt… needed? Wanted? What the hell, Cam? What am I to you? I’ve always needed and wanted you. What are you talking about?”
“You haven’t touched me in weeks. How do you think that makes me feel?” Cam screamed.
“Oh my god.
I
haven’t touched
you
in weeks? How do you think it feels when your lover can’t. Fucking. Look. At. You!” I punctuated each word, and my breathing sped up. My anger and frustration was at an all-time high. “How do you think it feels when the most important person in your
life
, can’t look at you when he says ‘I love you’? When you’re making love and he’s more interested in staring at the ceiling? How do you think that feels, Cam? Huh? I’ll tell you how it feels. It hurts like a motherfucking
bitch
! And I’ll tell you something else. Not once—
not once
—have I thought about seeking comfort in someone else’s arms. Jesus, does nothing we have mean anything to you? You know what? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”
My shoulders heaved and tears tracked hot trails down my cheeks. My throat burned and my skin was on fire. Cam was silent except for a small whimper escaping. He touched his chest as his eyes filled with pain. My words had hit him where it hurt, and his shoulders dropped.
The last thing I saw before storming out was Cam’s knees buckling, his arms wrapped around himself as he slumped to the floor.
I ran. I ran and ran with no direction or destination, and I didn’t realize I was at Caroline’s place until I pushed the buzzer.
It was midmorning and the door swung open to reveal Caroline dressed and nursing a cup of coffee. Considering she was dressed, it was probably her third cup.
Sensing my mood or realizing what had happened by the look on my face, she put her coffee down on the side table, then gathered me in a hug.
“I’m all sweaty,” I said, wrapping my arms around her.
“I don’t care. Come on inside, sit down, and I’ll get you a drink. Cam’s been calling looking for you.”
We moved inside, and as Caroline rummaged in the fridge, I dropped my tired ass on the couch, cradling my head in my hands. It didn’t surprise me that he’d called. Cam knew I wouldn’t go anywhere else.
“Here.” Caroline held out a bottle of water and a small towel.
“Thanks.” My voice was quiet. I was exhausted from running, and Caroline had the patience of a saint as I dried my sweat off and finished the water. She didn’t say a word.
“Another?” she asked once the bottle was empty.
“Yeah, thanks.”
“How far did you run?” Caroline asked, holding out another bottle. I sipped this one slowly.
“I don’t know.” My voice broke, either from exhaustion or emotion, I wasn’t sure.
“How
long
were you running, then?” she asked, sitting in the opposite chair.
“I don’t know,” I repeated.
“Well, looking at you, I’d say it was a pretty long run.”
A heavy silence followed as we stared at each other. “What happened?” Caroline asked, leaning forward and resting her arms on her knees.
A tear slipped down my cheek. “Cam kissed Kris,” I answered, running my hands through my hair. No more tears followed that time. I was all cried out; I was numb and all I wanted was to curl up and sleep. I wanted to forget everything that had happened and wake up to a brand new day with the sun shining.
“Are they…?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway,” I mumbled, covering my face with my hands. After a minute I sighed and sat up, turning to face Caroline. “Kris kissed him. And Cam didn’t stop it. He didn’t push him away or say ‘stop’ or anything… Cam kissed him back.” My chest constricted with the image of Cam with his arms around someone else, someone that wasn’t me. Leaning back, I stared at the ceiling and my body trembled.
“He came home from night shift this morning looking tired as hell but there was something else too. I knew something had happened, he couldn’t hide it. He looked like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. So I pushed until he told me.” Caroline remained silent, and I chuckled slightly since I’d rendered her speechless.
“It’s gone now, you know? The trust we had? I don’t know if we can get it back… I don’t know if we can fix this… or if I even want to.” I spoke to the ceiling, but I felt Caroline’s eyes on me. “When I asked him before if he was having sex with Kris, I believed him. I never thought he’d do that. We’re perfect together, you know? We
were
anyway… I thought I’d found the other half of me.” My voice cracked as the tears threatened again, but I’d cried enough, I wasn’t giving them permission to fall.
“Has he told you what’s wrong, what started all of this?”
“No. He hasn’t said anything and it’s
killing me. I don’t understand why he can’t talk to me, why he can’t tell me what’s going on. Do you know how hard it is when the person you love more than anyone in the world can’t
look
at you?” My throat seized. I lost the fight to keep the tears at bay.
Turning my head, I looked at Caroline, “Can I stay here for a while?”
She moved to sit next to me on the sofa and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. “Oh, honey, of course you can. I’ll need to make up the spare room, but it’s all yours. You can stay as long as you like.” The phone rang and we both turned to look at it, like it would answer itself. Caroline turned back to me. “That’ll be Cameron again. You want to talk to him?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to listen, so I made my way down the hall to the bathroom. Removing my sweaty clothes, I took a quick shower, then wrapped a large robe around me that was hanging behind the door.
“He’s worried,” Caroline advised when I’d come back to the living room. “He said you took off with no phone or wallet. He’s been driving around the streets looking for you.”
“You didn’t tear him a new one?” I asked in disbelief.
“No, I’d planned to, but when I heard his voice, I couldn’t.” She held up her hand, forestalling my interruption. “I’m not saying he’s not in the wrong here—he is—but he’s hurting too. He sounded as broken as you look.”
I chose to ignore that. “Can I put my running gear in the washer? I’ll go home later and pack a few things to bring back if that’s okay?” We both had work tomorrow and we could ride together.
“Oh, honey, you can stay as long as you want.” Caroline hugged me tight, kissing my cheek as she smiled sadly. “You make yourself comfy on the sofa and I’ll be back in a bit. I’ve got to run to the grocery store. I’ll pick up some popcorn and ice cream and we’ll have a movie day, okay?”
Cam wasn’t home that first night when I picked up some clothes. I didn’t need much: my running gear, laptop, a couple of suits for work, and some basics. I threw everything into a duffel and left as quickly as possible. The memories of the past month threatened to suffocate me, and I couldn’t stay there a minute longer than necessary.
Were we capable of working things out? Could we get back the love and trust that we’d built over the past nine years? I didn’t know.
Monday came and I went through the motions of a normal workday, but I couldn’t tell you what I did or which client I worked on. Although I received a couple of strange glances from coworkers, no one questioned me.
Caroline kept me company to and from work, keeping up a constant chatter of nothing important, and when we returned to her place in the early evening, I went for a long run. I needed to exhaust my body so I could sleep. Caroline’s guest bed was large and cold with no warm body to cuddle up to, and I dreaded going to sleep.
I dreaded going home more.
During the last month spent with Cam, I was bitter, angry, and hurt, and the first few days spent without him I was lost, despondent, and cold.
My chest was tight and unforgiving and it was hard to breathe around the constant lump in my throat. At first I thought I was having a heart attack. At thirty-two, it was possible but unlikely. My skin tingled with cold and despite the heat of early summer, I couldn’t warm up.
I curled up on Caroline’s sofa in my pajamas for the entire weekend. Sometimes the TV would be off and I’d stare at it without realizing; other times it would be on and Caroline would sit with me, my head in her lap as she played with my hair. I would fall asleep, only to jerk awake to find Caroline staring down at me with sad eyes. I knew she was worried about me. I was worried about me too.
Cameron
In some dark recess of my mind, I knew Jake was gone for good.
And I was a fucking mess.
Worried, emotionally wrecked, and bone tired, I drove all over the city trying to find Jake’s running route. If his mental health was anything like mine, he could be anywhere. I drove for hours searching for him, until I realized I should call Caroline. He’d go there once he exhausted himself. This was one of those times I was grateful for Jake’s friendship with Caroline.
Expecting an ass kicking when I called, relief ran hot through my veins when she told me Jake had finally showed. Caroline didn’t yell and scream at me like I expected; instead she sounded subdued and sad. I tried to convince her to let me talk to him, but she had a point when she said that’s what I should’ve done from the beginning. He didn’t want to talk to me, but before she hung up, she reassured me she would look after him. “Get help, Cameron, he needs you.”
Making my way home after searching the city, I was thankful he was safe and being looked after, even though my heart felt like it would never beat the same way again. I had been awake for over twenty-four hours and my day shift commenced the following morning, but I was restless. I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, and the TV didn’t hold my interest enough to distract me. If I called Caroline too much, she would shut me out, and I needed her.