Pilate's Wife: A Novel of the Roman Empire (24 page)

"I would never laugh at you." Holtan moved closer. "So, how
do
you feel?"

"Like Ariadne. It is as if I were Ariadne."

"Who?" He frowned slightly.

"A Greek princess who loved a hero." I looked up at him. "Not unlike you."

"What happened to them? Did they live happily ever after--the princess and her hero?"

"She saved him--saved them both--by teaching him to hold fast to a silver thread that guided him out of a black labyrinth. Sometimes I feel that I'm guided by such a thread--but so often I forget to reach for it..." I laughed, shaking my head again. "How silly this is!"

"Not at all. I don't know about the thread. I never felt that, but in the arena, I...am...Mars."

"I noticed the shrine in the atrium as I came in."

"In Dacia we had different gods. As a child I prayed to Wodan and Freya. Much good that did when the Roman legions killed my father, took me for a slave. Later, when I was brought here, I saw gladiators worshipping Mars. Is not one god as good as another?"

"Do you pray to Mars before entering the arena?"

"Pray to him? Mars is a force, not a being. I go through the motions to prove my Romanness, but it makes no difference whether I burn calves before his altar or piss on it. Sometimes I win by skill, by cunning, by tricks, but most of the time, I win because Mars is in my gut. Do you understand?"

I nodded, remembering Holtan in the arena. It was this passionate force that had drawn me. His eyes were on mine, a half smile on his lips. I looked away only to confront myself. How many women had seen their forms reflected on these mirrored walls? Did it matter? This was for me. Only once, only now.

Holtan reached out, his arms sliding about my waist, slowly drawing me toward him. His words of endearment had a comforting edge of roughness as I raised my mouth to meet his. Holton held me gently at first, but soon his deep kisses brought heat to my veins, and as I eagerly sought his mouth, he strengthened his hold. My hands roamed over him of their own accord, reveling in the feel of taut muscles while searching for the fastenings of his tunic. He pulled back, smiling at my boldness, then eased the
chiton
from my shoulder. His mouth followed the silken fabric as he slowly slid it down my body, gradually exposing my breasts, my belly, my thighs. I felt myself arch up toward his mouth and cried out with pleasure and when he came back up, his face was serious.
"My sweet Claudia!"
he whispered, softly kissing my eyes, my cheeks, as if I were the most fragile creature alive. Hot honey oozed through my body as slowly, carefully, he entered me. I clung to him as his movements became my own, all boundaries between us ceasing to exist.

Later, much later, I lay still, savoring his weight against me. "Don't move," I murmured as he started to raise himself.

"I'll crush you."

"I like being crushed by you. Promise you won't move."

We laughed softly, gazing at each other. Holtan kissed me gently. I nuzzled his neck and he held me tenderly for long moments in a rich silence broken only by an occasional muffled word of love. How was it possible for two people to be so close?

Later, much, much later, I pulled free and rose from the coach. Looking down at the man who, within a few short hours, had become not only my lover but someone who understood my deepest feelings, I forced myself to speak. "I can never do this again."

Holtan stood before me, his hands on my shoulders. "I know."

H
urry! They're waiting." Pilate stood impatiently in the archway while I paused before the mirror.

His eyes swept over me. "Red is very becoming to you, my dear. I'm surprised you don't wear it more often."

Why was I wearing it now? Why was I once again playing the perfect wife when I wanted nothing more than to sink into my couch and dream of all that had transpired that afternoon? Instead, here I was, headed to some unknown destination where I would be forced to smile and laugh and talk as though my entire world hadn't changed forever. Why had I not pleaded a headache earlier when I had the chance?

Too late now. Sejanus and Apicata's litter already waited outside. As I followed Pilate to the courtyard, I gasped in surprise at the purple-and-gold-striped canopy shimmering in the torchlight.

"What do you think?" Apicata pushed back the silken curtain, waving merrily. "Is this not the grandest litter you have ever seen?"

It was surely the largest. Fourteen bearers, seven on each side, stood at attention, waiting for us to join their master and mistress.

"Very impressive," Pilate said to Sejanus, who had parted the curtain to wave his greeting.

"Come see the inside," Apicata called out. "That's the best part."

A bearer rushed to put down a silken rug before the entrance to the litter. I stepped in, followed by Pilate. Sejanus and Apicata reclined on a satin couch that could easily accommodate eight. Beside them a young slave girl waited to serve wine and sweetmeats. I saw racks of scrolls, games, and musical instruments.

"It arrived just this morning, a gift from Tiberius," Sejanus told us. "What do you think?" he asked, turning to me.

"I have never seen anything to compare with it," I assured him. The slaves hoisted the litter onto their shoulders and a moment later we departed, heading down the hill at a steady trot.

"We have a surprise," Apicata announced. "Especially for Claudia." Her face looked guileless enough, but I felt a tiny warning chill. Once I reached to open the curtain, but she stopped me. "Now, now! We will be there soon enough."

I took the wine offered me and waved away the water pitcher, feeling the need to drink it straight. It was the finest, of course. I had a bit more than usual and began to wonder why I had been apprehensive. Surely, whatever Apicata planned was only meant to please me. Perhaps the outing would remove a little of the bittersweet longing for what could never be again.

"I thought I knew where we were going--the Forum Market--but that last turn confused me," Pilate said.

"Not much further," Sejanus assured him.

The mystery nagged at me. "Have I ever been where we are going?" I asked.

"Not likely, though I am certain you have wanted to go."

"Could it be the animal market? I have heard the young cheetah cubs can be trained..."

"Not this time, Claudia, you will just have to wait." Apicata's eyes danced mischievously.

The street sounds grew noisier, the pace slower. The large silver water carafe sloshed in rhythm to the bearers' heavy tread. I drained my wineglass quickly lest I spill it on my gown. Often I heard Sejanus's bodyguards call out, "Make way! Make way!"

Where are we? I wondered. Another turn, the slaves' movements were slower now, more deliberate. The streets must be crowded. At last, we stopped.

The litter was carefully lowered to the ground and a slave parted the curtains. Sejanus and Pilate stepped out, then Apicata. Pilate reached in and took my arm. As my eyes came to rest on the entrance before me, I stumbled against him. What kind of bizarre nightmare was this? We were standing before Holtan's dining house. Would I have to face him on the arm of my husband?

"Here we are!" Apicata said with a flourish. "Surely you have heard of the Sword and Trident. Everyone's talking about it."

My eyes searched her face. Did Apicata know? She looked back, obviously pleased with her choice, wide eyes seemingly ingenuous. Was it merely an unfortunate coincidence?

The same slave who had admitted me that afternoon rushed forward to greet us. Great Isis, what if he says something? My heart raced with panic, but the man's air of professional geniality never wavered as he looked from one of us to the other, smiling broadly. Bowing low, he gestured for us to follow. This time it was the main entrance.

We stepped into the foyer, moving straight ahead into a large banquet area. The air was heavy with perfume, spices, leather, and sweat. I could barely breathe. The large torch-lit room was filled with couches, all of them occupied--sometimes four people reclined together. "Perhaps we should go?" I suggested. "There's no place for us here."

"There is always a place for a party as distinguished as yours." With a flourish, the slave pulled aside a crimson curtain. Before us was a raised alcove with two wide couches covered with pillows on either side of a low brass-topped table. This choice recess faced the room's center. Behind it was an archway. With the drapes drawn, guests could come or go discreetly. With the drapes open they looked directly out at four women dancers--fair-skinned, golden-haired. They wore ruby-studded girdles and nothing else. Prominently displayed on wall behind them was Holtan's
rudis,
the large wooden sword traditionally awarded a gladiator who had won his freedom.

I took Pilate's arm as we stepped into the gilded enclosure, flashing what I hoped was a delighted smile at Sejanus. "What an exciting idea!"

"We thought you would enjoy seeing your favorite's lair."

"My favorite?"

"You did, in a sense, discover Holtan. Besides, I made a fortune on his last win. Might as well spend a little of it here."

"
Dominus
is very kind." Holtan's large body filled the archway behind the alcove. "It is an honor to have such distinguished visitors." I was afraid to look at him, but forced myself. I saw a smiling face. For an instant his amber eyes sought mine. Then he stepped back to admit a slave bearing a flagon of wine and four glasses on a silver tray. "This is a special vintage. I hope you will like it."

Holtan poured the wine himself, handing a glass to Apicata and then to me. For an instant our fingers touched. I willed my hand to remain steady.

Pilate took a sip and then another. "Excellent Falerian."

"It comes from my vineyard near Stabiae."

"Stabiae?" Pilate studied him. "What a coincidence--my wife and I will be traveling near there three days from now. We've--"

"Sorry, my friend, not so fast," Sejanus interrupted him. "It seems Tiberius has other plans for you, for both of us. I have yet to tell you. He wants--"

Sejanus's voice faded. I saw only Holtan, his heated gaze skimming over me. I trembled. Be careful, careful now. I forced my mind back to the conversation.

"I'm sorry to delay your holiday," Sejanus said, rising from his couch and seating himself beside me. Taking my hand, he stroked it lightly. "Surely you'll allow me to steal your husband for a short while?"

"Oh! He's going away. Not again." I heard myself say the words, almost as though I meant them. I felt Pilate's cobalt eyes watching.

Sejanus went on, explaining, "Tiberius's business will take us to Syracuse. A month, that's all, then he can join you in Herculaneum. I've found that absence is good for the heart." Casually, he turned to Holtan. "Don't you agree?"

"H
ELP ME
, R
ACHEL, YOU MUST HELP ME
," I
SAID, LOOKING UP FROM MY
sleeping baby. We stood beside the small couch, watching Marcella. How could anyone so tiny be so all important? I wondered not for the first time.

"She is beautiful," Rachel said, leaning over to straighten Marcella's coverlet.

"She is the whole world to me."

"Yes...a woman would be mad to risk the whole world."

W
E MET TWO OR THREE AFTERNOONS A WEEK.

Holtan's plan was simple. Leaving Marcella with her baby nurse, I left home dressed as usual. Traveling in my own litter, I stopped at an obscure trattoria where Rachel waited. She donned my garments, put on a dark wig that matched my hair and left by the front door. I, in my own disguise, heart beating wildly, went out another exit, then hired a litter or walked to the lodgings that Holtan had arranged for the day.

Once, I wore a coarse brown tunic and tucked my hair into a freedman's cap. Another time I swathed myself in a heavy toga, draping its purple-edged folds about my head. Alone together, our fears abating, we'd laugh heartily at my disguises. Holtan would turn me about while I mimicked the speech and manner of whoever I was supposed to be.

"Do you like me as a blonde?" I asked Holtan on the day I wore a magnificent skein of golden curls.

"I like you best as you are."

"Who is that? I am no longer sure."

I turned to look at the meal Holtan had ordered. A delicate white linen cloth covered the table, at its center a bouquet of pale peach roses. There were oysters still in their shells, barley soup laced with mead, sweet leeks on endive, a stuffed pheasant, and strawberries in fresh cream.

"Oh! Everything I love," I exclaimed, hugging him. "You always know what I like best."

The apartment that Holtan had rented for the afternoon, though small, was bright and cheery. I had been breathless from climbing the many stairs, but when I reached the top there was Holtan waiting on a small balcony. All of Rome lay before us. In that instant we owned the world.

We enjoyed the good food and wine, absorbed in each other, laughing and talking. The next thing I knew, the sun, high when I arrived, had faded.

Suddenly it was dusk, though not yet dark enough to light the small wall torches. Once more our idyll must end. I pushed myself up on one elbow from the couch where we had been lying. As I looked down on him, my throat swelled and began to ache. "I can no longer do this."

"No, you cannot--never again." Holtan turned to look into my eyes. "I am ashamed to have let you--to have encouraged you. The other day when you didn't come--all I could think of was that Pilate had come back early, had caught you--"

I leaned down, sought his lips and kissed them.

"He could have you killed," Holtan said at last.

"If he chose. More likely he would have me banished--forbidden to see my child." My voice quavered. "I could not endure that." After a pause, I continued. "There is Livia, too. She has returned to Rome. I saw her at the theater last night, those dreadful green eyes of hers watching me. Livia is capable of anything."

"There's no family friend who would stand up for you?"

"Not anymore. They are all gone."

"And your faith--Isis? Could you seek sanctuary?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I asked, lightly teasing. "You would like me sequestered from the world."

"Better than with Pilate," he admitted.

"There is no sanctuary for me since Tiberius burned the Iseneum. I have nowhere to go, not even for counsel."

Holtan pulled me to him, then pushed me away. "I must leave here, go so far that I will never be tempted." He rose from the couch, reaching for his tunic. "The Parthians are clamoring for a match."

"Oh no!" Dread swept over me as I looked up at him. "I thought you had given up fighting for good."

"You know what will happen if I stay in Rome. How long will it be before we are discovered? It frightens me how powerless I am against the desire to be with you. I cannot allow you to risk more than you already have."

I stared at him wordlessly, feeling as though the sun had been banished and I condemned to a twilight world. "Pilate's absence made it easy for us," I acknowledged at last. "We have been very lucky, but soon that will end. I had word this morning. He and Sejanus expect to sail from Sicily next week. I am to meet him at our villa in Herculaneum."

"So near
my
villa. Are the gods tormenting us?" Holtan was standing now, pulling me to my feet so that I faced him.

"There is fever in Rome. I worry about Marcella. Pilate reminded me again of how good the sea breeze will be for her."

"By all means, do not refuse him, but meet me first. Let's have a few days together before he returns."

"A few days! Are you mad?"

"One night then."

"What are you thinking?"

"My villa's just outside Stabiae. They say the sirens lured Ulysses there. You would like it. I
know
you would like it. Come and lure me."

"Like it! I would love it." I shook my head sadly. "You know it is impossible."

"Nothing is impossible. Send Marcella with Rachel to Herculaneum. They will be well guarded. I will have my best men hidden around them all the way. Stay behind, say you have a few last minute things to do in Rome--the house to close, one more party to attend. Women are always adept at such excuses, surely you can think of something."

"Surely," I mocked him, then added, "You
are
mad."

"Claudia, it's our only chance to have a night together. When you return to Rome in the fall, I will be gone."

Frightened tears stung my eyes as I realized what he was planning. "Why risk your life in the arena when you have everything that anyone could ever want?"

"Everything? You think that? Whatever I have is nothing without you."

My mind raced.
Your life is waiting.
What a price my sister had paid. Was I ready to risk my life for love? I looked at Holtan and knew the answer. Today he was at the top of his form, but in every major city, there were twenty gladiators determined to best him, wild to establish themselves by killing the champion. One mistake, one false step--

"Tell me," I asked, my voice dropping almost to a whisper, "that one night with me...what would you do for it?"

"Anything," he said, pulling me close. "Anything you ask."