Precedent: Book Three: Covenant of Trust Series (27 page)

Tears began to slip down Bobbi’s cheeks, almost unnoticed in the rain. “How could You do this to me?” She startled herself when she said it out loud. She looked up into the sky and shouted with a guttural primal voice she didn’t recognize. “How could You take him? What good did this accomplish? I’ve done everything You’ve told me to.” Bobbi began counting on her fingers, pointing and accusing. “I raised my children. I love my husband. I forgave him after he cheated on me because You told me to. I forgave Tracy because You told me to. We raised Jack, and I love him just like my own son! Doesn’t that mean anything? Doesn’t that count?” She grabbed up a small rock and with a grunt heaved it into the sky, stumbling to keep her balance.

“
You could have stopped it, but You didn’t and my son was murdered!”

She wanted more rocks. And she wanted to punch and kick and thrash and scream, but she couldn’t see for the tears. She pressed her palms tight against her eyes and that’s when she heard it.

“
Bobbi, My Son was murdered, too
.”

Chapter 17

Insight

Jack jerked his car from lane to lane, trying to get to the interstate as quickly as possible. He gripped the steering wheel with his right hand so he could wipe away the steady stream of tears with his left. The windshield wipers squeaked with every stroke, providing the only break in the heavy silence.

She . . . How could she not treat her cancer? Of all the . . . And then his dad couldn’t relay that information? Three dozen phone calls and it somehow slipped his mind? And Joel’s? He slammed a hand against the steering wheel. How could . . . How could they stand for this?

Realizing at the last minute the traffic light had turned red, he screeched to a halt. “I gotta get my head straight. I can’t drive like this.” He pulled over into a parking lot and turned off his car.

Things were just starting to feel normal again, but here she was, giving up. She’s the one who got him back on track. “God, what does she need? What will make her see past the pain?” He closed his eyes as his own angry words echoed in his head. Here she was, opening up, trying to explain the deep, soul-killing hurt she was carrying . . . She needed compassion and sympathy. He was an idiot. He shouldn’t have talked to her like that. He shouldn’t have, under any circumstances, walked out.

Going back home would be the easy part. What could he possibly say to her? Would she even speak to him? Then he’d have to tell his dad. He needed some wisdom. And he’d need his umbrella. He reached under his seat and pulled out an umbrella and tossed it on the passenger seat. He smiled and shook his head. She bought the umbrella and insisted he carry it. He started his car and drove straight to the cemetery, to Brad’s gravesite.

He’d visited Brad’s grave so many times, he could almost drive there with his eyes closed. Right, left, right, sweeping left, then over a small hill and a quick left. As soon as he topped the hill, he spotted his mother’s car. Surely not. What would she be doing here? Then when he made his left turn, he saw her leaning against, almost sitting on, the headstone, her face buried in her hands. When Jack parked his car behind hers, she never looked up.

“
She’s gonna catch pneumonia,” he muttered. He left his car running to keep it warm for her, then grabbed the umbrella and got out. He flipped the collar of his jacket up to guard against the cold rain. The saturated grass squished under his foot with each step.

His mother hadn’t heard him. She stood there, shivering, soaked through, water dripping from her elbows and her bangs. He eased in behind her, shielding her with the umbrella. “Mom,” he said gently, “let’s go home.”

She raised her head slowly and pushed her hair back away from her face. “You came back.”

“
I never should have left. I’m sorry.” Jack threw his arms around her, trying his best to keep the umbrella upright. He twisted out of his jacket and threw it around her shoulders, then pulling her close, he guided her toward his car.

He felt her stiffen. “I can drive, Jack. I’m okay.”

“
But my car is warm.”

“
But I have leather seats. Yours will get soaked.”

“
Ask me how much I care about that right now.” He opened the passenger door and held the umbrella over her while she got in. She settled slowly as if every muscle ached, then slipped her arms into his jacket sleeves. “Something wrong?”

“
Why don’t you call your dad and tell him he can come home,” she said.

Jack leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I love you, Mom.”

“
I can tell. I love you, too.”

Jack shut her door and walked around to the driver’s side. He paused just an instant before he opened the door, glancing up at the sky. “I still need that wisdom.”

* * *

His mother didn’t speak on the way home, except to nod when he asked if she was warm enough. Of course she was lying. She hugged herself tightly, shivering whenever she thought he wasn’t looking. “Well, I’m freezing,” he said, then turned the blower up full blast. A few moments later, she relaxed and leaned back in the passenger seat.

When they turned on to Danbury Court, he had to smile when he saw his dad’s car in the driveway. Apparently his dad was a lot closer than the home improvement store when he called. Jack hit the button on the garage door opener and pulled into his mother’s spot. Almost as soon as Jack got out of the car, his dad stepped into the garage from the kitchen with a heavy blanket draped across his arm.

Jack nodded. “She’s freezing and exhausted, and if she doesn’t get sick from this, I’ll be surprised.”

“
I’ll take care of her.”

“
You want me to put some coffee on?”

“
Thanks, thanks for everything, Jack.”

Jack smiled and waved to his mother, then went inside to start a pot of coffee as promised. Just as the coffeemaker finished, his dad came into the kitchen.

“
She’s taking a hot shower, so between that and the coffee, we should get her warmed up. She didn’t say much, though. What happened?”

“
It was bad,” Jack said. “I kinda let her have it.” He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “I need to apologize to her.” Jack recounted the conversation, admitting everything he’d said. “I’m sorry, Dad. I shouldn’t have talked to her that way.”

“
You don’t have to apologize. You may have said just what she needed to hear.”

“
Maybe.” Jack frowned. “Dad, so, speaking of things people need to hear, how come you didn’t tell me about any of this? I mean, this has been going on for months. I was almost as mad at you as I was at her.”

His dad dropped his eyes and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “I failed her. Nothing was getting through. Nobody could reach her. I thought . . . I hoped . . . if she saw with her own eyes how much it hurt you, she might, you know, reconsider.” He looked past Jack and blinked back a tear. “I had no right to use you that way.”

“
You’re a little hard on yourself.”

“
I think so, too,” his mother said, startling both of them as she breezed into the kitchen. “Coffee, perfect.” She got a mug from the cabinet and poured a full cup. “Thank you, whoever brewed it.”

“
It was Jack,” his dad said.

“
Thank you, swee—” Her eyes darted away from his. “Thank you.”

“
Mom—”

“
No, I understand. I understand what it’s like to hurt, and to try to distance yourself from whoever you think caused it.” She sipped her coffee. “Believe me, I get it.”

He slouched against the counter so he could look her in the eye. “Mom, can we go back and start over? Just forget this whole stupid afternoon ever happened?”

She shook her head, but he could see the slightest smile. “No, because I learned some very important things today.”

“
Like how your son is an inconsiderate jerk, who rants like a crazy man and totally ignores your feelings?”

“
No, I learned my son is not a kid anymore. He’s a very wise young man who’s not afraid to speak the truth, no matter what the risk.” She laid her hand on his and squeezed gently. “I am very proud of him.”

“
Well, he would be very pleased to have you call him ‘sweetheart’ again.”

She smiled broadly and set her mug on the counter then hugged Jack tightly. “You don’t know what it did for me when you came back. Everything changed.”

“
So you’re going to the doctor?”

She pressed her lips together and took a step back away from him. “Will you grant me the grace to come to that decision in my own time?”

“
Why would you want to wait?”

“
I need to get some other things settled first.”

“
Like what?” his dad asked with sharp frustration.

“
I’ve damaged my relationship with God. I’ve got to fix that, and I don’t feel like I can focus on anything else.”

“
Bobbi, you have to see the doctor. No more excuses.”

“
I know I don’t deserve any time or consideration from you guys after what I’ve put you through. Grace is unmerited favor. Please?”

“
No. Honey, you don’t comprehend how irrational you’ve been these last few months. You haven’t been open with me or anybody else. Now you’re asking me to support you in your decision to postpone treatment just because you say things have changed. I’m not sure I trust you.”

She glanced at Jack, then reached for his dad’s hand. “Can we rebuild our faith together? Chuck, I had a prayer answered today. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since that’s happened?”

“
When I came back?” Jack asked.

She nodded as tears began to slip down her cheeks. His dad pulled her into his arms and whispered, “Let it go, Bobbi. Let it all go.”

* * *

Bobbi sat on the love seat in the study, wrapped in an afghan, nestled against Chuck. “We really should go get my car before they lock the gates at the cemetery.”

“
Jack said he’d take care of it while he was picking up the sandwiches,” Chuck said.

“
How is Jack going to take care of it?”

“
I have no idea, but he said he would, so I’m not moving and neither are you.” He kissed her gently and wrapped his hand around hers.

“
Can I apologize to you?”

He shook his head. “There’s enough fault to go around.”

She closed her eyes, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat. Strong and steady. “I’m beginning to realize how much I’ve missed you.”

“
I’ve been right here.”

“
In spite of everything I did to push you away. You’re pretty terrific.”

“
So what changed this afternoon, besides Jack coming back?”

She sat up and twisted so she could face him. “He knows, Chuck. God knows what it’s like to have a son murdered. He knows the frustration and the injustice . . . and the emptiness.” A sideways glance at Brad’s picture sitting on the desk caused her to tear up. “For months, I’ve felt like God did this
to
me. That He could have prevented Brad’s death, and for whatever reason, He just didn’t.” She wiped her eyes quickly with the heel of her hand. “I didn’t understand what God was doing and after a while, I didn’t want to.”

“
So you cut yourself off from God?”

“
I was acting like a three-year-old. ‘If that’s the way you’re gonna be, I’m not gonna play anymore.’ Jack, he called me on it. Did he tell you?”

“
A little.”

“
He said my pain had become my god. So, when I ended up at the cemetery this afternoon, I unloaded everything. I said all the things I’ve harbored in my heart, and if God chose to strike me dead for it . . . then I would come out ahead.”

“
Bobbi—”

She raised a hand to cut him off. “Chuck, I’d lost Brad and Shannon. I drove Jack away. I figured it was only a matter of time before I lost you and Joel, too. So I prayed. I told God if there was anything salvageable in my life, He had to show me, because I couldn’t see it.”

“
And Jack showed up.”

“
It wasn’t ten minutes later.”

“
Honey, if you’ve gotten this confirmation, why are you holding out on treating your cancer? It’s like you want to keep the death option open.”

She shook her head. “It’s like when we were separated. My head was way ahead of my heart when it came to reconciling with you, and we both had to wait for my heart to catch up. Intellectually, I know God is right and I’m wrong, but I don’t have the faith to say, ‘I’ll take whatever You give me.’ I’m pretty sure I can get there, though, if I have some time and some guidance.”

“
So you feel like God cheated on you?”

“
I felt betrayed, yes.”

“
What can I do to help you?”

“
Be patient with me a little longer.”

* * *

Shannon paced in her apartment, checking her watch with each pass. Her dad gave her that watch when she graduated from high school this spring. That first Saturday, furious at her father, she almost sold the watch. Now she’d give up her right arm before she’d part with it.