Private Sins (Three Rivers Series: Book 1) (7 page)

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Are you sure that you want to drive all the way to Kingston with the baby?”  Theo was asking Kelly as he sipped his tea. He was sitting on the counter stool going through is Monday morning routine of scrolling through all the emails he had gotten over the weekend.

Kelly was now standing in the same spot that his mother had stood two days ago when she had the nerve to suggest that this last baby was not his. It was riding in the back of his mind, the insidious thoughts hanging on to the fringes of his consciousness, day and night, but he managed to brush them away with a Herculean effort.

“I am sure.” Kelly took out a loaf of whole wheat bread from the fridge. “Your mother is staying overnight in Montego Bay with Thea and Matthew. You are going to the community leaders convention—you can't carry a baby there and my mother and sister are going to some soap making seminar or the other—those two are as thick as thieves.”

Theo nodded. “Are you sure you don’t want to wait until tomorrow, we can make it a family trip.”

“Nope,” Kelly grinned, “I start working at the Peterson's tomorrow; they are redecorating their son’s room, it’s just a three day job. I am going to just get my supplies in Kingston. I already called it in. When I get back, I'll call my people, get them moving and then I will be done.”

“Keep in touch,” Theo said hopping off the stool, “but not when you are driving.”

Kelly saluted, “Aye aye captain.”

Theo kissed her, grabbed his jacket and left the house.

On her way to Kingston, Kelly popped her favorite CD into the car radio and started singing along with the songs; the baby cooed in the car seat as she navigated the twists and turns.

She turned the radio higher when her favorite song
Wake Up Everybody
by
Teddy Pendergrass
started to play.

She sang it so loud that the baby started to cry and she slowed the car down a bit and turned her music down. “Sorry baby,” she said looking at him, “I am just letting off steam.”

She crawled to a stop at the Flat Bridge stoplight. She gazed down into the blue green depths of the river. The color was a richer version of her multicolored blouse and she grinned. “No matter how men try, they cannot capture the beautiful colors of nature exactly, can they Mark?”

The baby cooed and clapped his hands.

“There ya go,” She looked back at him, “sorry for scaring you earlier. I certainly hope it wasn’t my voice that scared you?”

She laughed when he yawned.

******

She entered the city of Kingston with its hustle and bustle and traffic jams at a quarter to ten. Her business took her approximately two hours and she packed up the car with her purchases.

“Lunch time for me,” she said to the baby, who had already gotten a bottle, “then we are going to head back home. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

She decided to go to Wendy's in New Kingston. Even though Kingston was slightly cooler than normal because it was December, she was looking forward to sitting in an air-conditioned restaurant and eating a salad or a baked potato, and a yummy dessert.

When she drove up to the entrance of the restaurant; it took her a while to get the baby out of the car and all the paraphernalia that she would need to go into the restaurant.

“Traveling with a baby takes you twice the time,” she said out loud to the baby, who was blowing bubbles at her.

“It should be,” Chris said behind her, she almost dropped the baby in fright.

“Chris,” she spun around, “what on earth!”

Chris grinned, “I was heading to the bank across the street when I saw you get out of the vehicle. I couldn’t believe it, when I saw that you were alone. I nearly ran into traffic.”

“I came to get supplies for a project I'm starting tomorrow,” she eyed him up and down, “you look good.”

“You look better,” he said, softly, “Can I have lunch with you two?”

Kelly sighed, “Why not?”

She locked the car and they headed into the restaurant together.

“I'll order for you,” Chris said.

“Baked potatoes and garden salad,” Kelly told him absently as she placed the baby in the bassinet.

Chris paused, looking down at the baby. “He has gotten so big since the last time I saw him.”

Kelly looked up at Chris and then back down at the baby; he eventually moved away and she breathed a sigh of relief. Exactly why she was having lunch with Chris was not clear, she just felt as if they had so many loose ends to tie-up and talking about it would make it easier.

When Chris eventually came back with their orders she was scrolling through her PDA and checking that she had everything on her list.

“So how've you been these days?” he bit into a burger and looked at her closely.

“Fine,” she shrugged, “edgy. How've you been?”

“I miss you,” he said wiping his lips, “wish we were together. At nights when I can't turn off my brain I feel a sense of loss so acute it hurts.” He brushed back his curly hair which had gotten long over the months. “I am trying to deal with it, it’s painful.”

Kelly nodded. “So who was that girl Theo and I saw you with at New Beginnings?”

“Estella,” he half smiled, “were you jealous?”

Kelly frowned, “no—yes.”

He grinned.

The baby started to cry as she picked at her salad and without asking Chris picked him up.

The weight of him almost brought tears to his eyes as he gazed at his son face to face. The baby stopped mid-wail and gazed at Chris curiously.

Chris laughed. “Hey little man.”

“Your baby is so cute,” a young woman stopped at the table looking from Chris to the baby, “he looks just like you.”

“Thanks,” Chris said cuddling the baby and then looked at Kelly his brows raised. When the young lady had moved out of hearing distance he stared hungrily at Kelly.

“Stop it,” Kelly said fiercely.

“No,” Chris said just as fiercely.

Kelly pushed away her plate and covered it. “It's over Chris!”

“I know,” Chris said earnestly, “but I just want to know this one thing, if by some quirk of fate, your marriage breaks up, do I have a chance?”

Kelly shuddered. “My marriage is fine, stop wishing for its demise.”

He shrugged. “It is fine for now. I just want you to know that if anything happens I am an option. My mother told me that she accosted you in the parking lot at church and my sister told me you cussed her off.”

Kelly smirked. “Why can't they just leave me alone?”

Chris gently laid the baby back in the bassinet. “Don’t worry, I called them off. I had strong words with them—told them that I was just as guilty as you in this whole mess and that they should give you time. I sometimes feel like marching up to your house and snatching him you know.”

Kelly looked frightened. “You wouldn’t do that!”

“I would,” Chris nodded, “but I know it would hurt you and your other kids and Theo. These days I am just turning off my emotions; I'm trying to deal with the whole situation. The other night I had a long heartfelt talk with God and I am slowly healing. Seeing you now will set back my recovery a bit. You are like drugs to me. I used to come to church every week to get a hit you know. When you worked for me, I took a hit everyday,” he sighed. “I couldn’t help feeding my addiction and I enjoyed every last hit.”

Kelly grimaced. “I am sorry for screwing up your life.”

“I screwed up my own life,” Chris said passionately. “I saw you eleven years ago and I thought there she is, my wife. It was as if my heart recognized its mate. I was blindsided when you told me that you were seeing Theo and that you never thought that we were serious. I went all out for you. I was serious then, Kelly, so serious you wouldn’t understand. I bought a piece of land on Bluffs Head, started making plans to build our dream home and I got left in the dust for Theo. I almost went crazy.”

He glanced over at the baby. “I was so broken that it took me all of seven years to heal. Nobody else came close,” he smiled sadly. “It wasn’t my ego that got battered when you chose Theo,” he held onto her fingers, “it was a genuine loss. So when I got the chance to be with you, whether it was an illicit affair or not, I took it. Forsaking my vows of celibacy, forgetting that I had a responsibility as a church leader, I took the opportunity to be with you. I was actually glad that Theo was so busy, ecstatic that there were cracks in your marriage.” He lowered his voice, even though the restaurant was not crowded. “I wanted you completely but I never really had you, did I?”

Kelly dragged her hands away feeling them tingle. She was attracted to Chris, there was no denying that, but she loved Theo and suddenly a wave of intense regret swept over her. She had been quite stupid to have had an affair.

The affair was based on a crush. As she had learned, to her detriment, physical attraction was powerful enough to blindside someone for a while but true abiding love, the love that came with knowing somebody over time; living with them; sharing experiences with them, that was more abiding. That was what she had for Theo.

What she felt for Chris was a wild untamed fire. It was suddenly clear to her that what she felt for Chris would fizzle out if they ever got together.  She would wake up guilty and depressed everyday. Eventually, the sex without the substance would pall and they would end up hating each other.

She looked hard at Chris for the first time without the scales of lust blinding her eyes and realized that she broke her husband's trust, she shattered her commitment to him and her family because of old fashioned lust. She had given into that visceral emotion that had brought empires down and smashed family ties. It never lasts, it never endures.

And suddenly she realized the enormity of what she had done. She had compounded one mistake atop of another until here she was sitting across from her ex-lover and their baby and she was lying to her husband.

She closed her eyes and then opened them, “Chris.”

“Mmm,” he said looking back at her.

“I had a huge crush on you years ago and it has played a part in my present day troubles. I never really put it to rest you know, that feeling I had when I first saw you. I guess at the back of mind, I wanted to be with you just to see what it would have been like but I don’t love you, not the way I love Theo. I never did. I know words are not adequate to say just how much I regret that this ever happened.

Chris looked away from her a pained look in his eyes. He then sighed and shrugged. “As I said, I am trying to move on. Maybe one day I will find another love. Maybe one day you'll tell Mark the truth about his father and we'll forge some form of relationship.”

She shook her head. “I am not even thinking about that right now.”

*****

The drive back to St. Ann was not as turbulent for Kelly, it was as if something that was broken in her head was finally fixed, and she seriously contemplated driving home and telling all to her husband, but the possible repercussions of her actions made her recoil. Once the bonds of trust were broken in a relationship it would never be the same. She couldn’t bear to think of the devastation that would follow in the wake of her confession to Theo.

She had admitted a third party and another family into their relationship, how does one recover from that?

If she were on the receiving end of such news she knew that it would devastate her; drive her crazy.

Wasn’t there some rule that said that your spouse didn’t need to know everything? That one should just leave well enough alone and that some secrets were better not exposed. After all, what one didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

In theory that was fine but the reality was pure torture. How did some married women live with themselves for years knowing that a child—born as a result of an affair—did not belong to their spouse?

How did they live with it and not give something away?

She could barely breathe from the pressure of the guilt surrounding her. Each day it got worse. Each day the guilt stung a little deeper; her wounds gapped a little wider and she was left floundering in the quagmire of her sins.

“Lord, help me,” she whispered.

When she entered the town of Ocho Rios she decided to visit her parents at Hibiscus Close, a scenic spot overlooking the town of Ocho Rios. The light was fading fast and it was barely five o’ clock. 

She looked at the clock on the dashboard. Theo had called her twice to find out where she was and to let her know that he was stuck in a church council meeting and would be home late.

She turned left into her parent's driveway and parked behind Erica's car. Her mother was a free spirit who planted herbs and medicinal plants, played the harp and went to soap making and flower arranging classes.

She was fifty-nine years old but looked at least ten years younger. It was often a source of irritation to Erica that strangers assumed that Erica was the mother and Lola was the daughter whenever they went out together.

Her father was the opposite. He was a serious—more of a logical thinker—and though he had a law degree, he never practiced, choosing instead to run a chain of successful supermarkets on the North Coast. He lived a retirees dream, playing golf all week and rarely checking in on his businesses.