“Sometimes having them there, isn’t always best.”
I shift slightly so I’m turned to the side and I tilt my head back to look up at him. His eyes are pained, but he quickly covers it and wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“You have to keep fighting, even if no one believes in you, Dash. It’s the only way. Do you want this?”
I nod. “You know I do.”
“Then fight for it, with or without him.”
I nod and look down. “I’m bleeding all over you.”
“Yeah,” he chuckles hoarsely, “you are.”
He helps me to my feet and leads me out to the kitchen. He sits me on a bar stool and
gets the first aid kit from the pantry. He takes my hand in his, gently wiping away the blood that’s beginning to form. I watch him intently as he moves his fingers over mine, gently spreading them and cleaning them. I swallow, feeling a rush of warmth slide through me that I haven’t felt for a long, long time.
He gently wraps a Band-Aid around my finger and then looks up and meets my eyes, smiling. His finger is still stroking my now covered one, and the moment is intense. I feel my heart kick up a notch as I stare at him, swallowing rapidly, to try and shove the feelings down that are bubbling to the surface. He raises his hand and strokes a thumb over my cheek, making me gasp at the contact.
Suddenly his free hand is tangled in my hair and we’re moving closer. Part of me is screaming to pull back, screaming for him to stop touching me and let me go, but my body is still moving closer and closer to those beautiful, full lips. Our eyes are connected as he tilts my head back and presses his lips to mine. I groan and reach up, tangling my free hand through his hair and pulling him down closer.
The kiss deepens, our fingers entwine and he has a hand in my hair, I have one in his. Our lips move together in a soft, slow dance that has my heart throbbing angrily, against my rib cage. I haven’t felt such emotion…since…he left. When his tongue slides into my mouth and finds mine, I gasp and pull him even closer, if that’s possible. When he groans, reality sinks in and I gently pull back. What the hell are we doing?
“Slade…”
His eyes are wild with lust, anger and things I don’t know how to read. Or maybe I don’t want to read them because I’m scared of what they might mean. He stares at me, and I can see he’s panting wildly.
“What…what are you doing?” I whisper.
“Fuck,” he whispers, running his hands through his hair.
“You don’t even like me Slade, why did you do that?”
He looks at me again, narrowing his eyes. “Dash, why do you think I don’t like you?”
“The last few years have been hell. You treated me so badly, you left and when I saw you again you were awful. Why are you doing this now?”
He stares me right in the eye when he speaks. “I fucked up Dash, the way I treated you back then, you have to know…”
“What?” I whisper, feeling my voice break.
“It wasn’t your fault. I know you think it was, but it wasn’t. What I did to you that night, I was a fucking jerk. You deserved so much
more, you deserved your first time to be beautiful.”
“Here’s the thing Slade,” I say in a small voice. “It was beautiful, I hated you for it
but
afterwards, but I could only think that being with you was beautiful, no matter how it was done. I hated myself for that.”
He curses and takes my face in his hands. “I fucked you against a fence, I wasn’t gentle or slow. I should have treated you so much better, but I was in a bad, bad place and I was losing everything around me. I didn’t want to be close to you, because I knew that if I let myself love you, I would have never walked away.”
“You knew you were leaving, didn’t you?” I say, suddenly piecing it together.
He nods. “Yes, I knew for months.”
“And you never thought to let me say goodbye? You knew I loved you Slade, you were my best friend.”
He swallows and I pull away, turning my head to the side and looking at the floor.
“I didn’t want to hurt you Dash, I knew you cared about me. When you came to that party, I was so fucking angry. I was angry at you for dancing with other men, I was angry that I couldn’t tell you everything I wanted to tell you, I was angry that I had to leave. I hurt you and there is no excuse for that, but if you think that I meant to or that I hated you, then you are so horribly wrong.”
“You broke me Slade, and then you came back and you were such a jerk.”
“I had to be, you don’t understand…”
“Make me understand,” I cry, throwing my hands up. “Make me understand why you came back and couldn’t even look at me. Make me understand why you didn’t come to my mother’s funeral, why you didn’t call?”
He looks at me so painfully it breaks my heart, his eyes twinkle with deep emotion that goes so much further than me. I want him to tell me, I want him to say what’s been keeping him so wound up and hidden.
“I drove out of this place the next day, knowing that you were at home sobbing over me and the loss of your mother but I had to go Dash. I wish…I wish I could tell you why but…believe me. It broke me.”
“It broke you?” I snarl. “How do you think I felt about it?”
“I know Dash, ok…”
“No, Slade, you don’t know. You treated me like a dog when you got back, you taunted me for looking after my father. You couldn’t even be friendly.”
“I couldn’t…god Dash…I couldn’t be nice when…”
“WHAT?” I scream.
“I can’t do
this, I can’t tell you…I can’t.”
His eyes are pained and he looks so broken it truly hurts my heart. His eyes are lowered, his breathing is deep and he’s trembling. Whatever it is that made him run, has damaged him in some way.
“Why did you kiss me just now, Slade?”
He closes his eyes. “The other night you asked me a question and you didn’t let me finish answering it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You asked me what I wanted, and you cut me off before I could give you everything I wanted to say.”
I swallow and his eyes meet mine as he says the next words. “All I ever wanted, Dash, was you.”
I close my eyes and tears stumble down my cheeks, he takes my chin and tilts my head back, forcing me to look at him. I snatch my face away. I can’t do this, not to myself, not to my father. Slade is no good for me, he’s not. It doesn’t matter what I feel, he’s forbidden to me in so many ways. His father hates me, my father hates him. We’re competitors. It can’t work. It just can’t.
“Slade, we can’t do this again. I can’t give my heart to you when I don’t know if you’ll treat it the right way,” I whisper, walking away from him. “Don’t kiss me again.”
I see her face in my dreams. Her beautiful happy face, and then suddenly it’s covered in blood and she’s screaming out for me, but I’m trapped on the cliff and I can’t help her. Her body slowly fades away and she calls my name, begging me to save her. I can’t save her though. I can’t get to her. Just one inch more and I can escape this cliff…then she’s gone and I’m screaming.
“Mumma!”
I bolt upright, panting and sweating. My throat burns and I know I’ve been screaming her name. I tremble and wrap my arms around myself, sobbing angrily and fighting back the blame. My door opens and I feel my bed shift, then a set of hard arms go around me.
“It’s ok,” Slade whispers.
“God dammit Slade, why do you keep saving me?” I cry. “I don’t deserve to be saved.”
“Everyone deserves to be saved, Dash.”
“It’s
all my fault, I wasn’t there…I wasn’t there…if I had stayed home, they would have never gone to dinner.”
“No,” he murmurs, his voice thick.
“Yes, it’s my fault. I see her in my dreams, begging me to help her and I can’t. I’m just stuck on that cliff top. I could have stopped it, but I was too worried about being with you and you didn’t even want me.”
“That’s not true, I did want you Dash. I do…”
“Don’t do this to me Slade,” I whimper. “Please. I wanted you and you broke me. You can’t come back and want this now, you can’t.”
“I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop it. I’ve always wanted you Dash. Then that party…god that party…I wanted you so much, but I knew I was leaving, I knew I would break you. I thought it was better if you just hated me, I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much.”
“It hurt more!” I cry.
“I know, I know it did.”
“You could have come back for me, you could have loved me, I would have let you. It’s too late now…”
He doesn’t say anything, he just holds me. I breathe in his
scent, it’s a warm, delicious scent. Him, crossed with the fading aftershave he must have worn tonight. Neither of us speak, what is there to say? He’s admitting he has feelings for me, but what can I give him? I can’t give him anything. He had a chance, he didn’t take it.
“I can’t give you what you want, Slade.”
He strokes a thumb down my cheek. “You can, you just won’t.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“I don’t believe you Dash, whatever this is between us, it’s strong.”
“
It’s friendship,” I whisper helplessly, trying to sound believable.
“No, it was friendship when we were sixteen. It stopped being friendship the night we had sex.”
“You’re right, it became so much more than friendship. It became a blistering hate that I carried around for years.”
“And now?”
I close my eyes, unsure of what it is I feel for him now. I don’t hate him, god, I certainly don’t. I don’t love him…do I? No, I have lingering feelings of friendship, that’s all.
“I want to be your friend again, I want to forgive you, I want to move on, but Slade, I can never love you again.”
He continues stroking my face, my cheeks, my lips. “I don’t believe that.”
“You have to.”
“I don’t.”
“Slade, please…”
He moves my head and suddenly his warm lips are over mine and oh god, the feelings that explode in my chest are so mind blowing, I lose myself for a moment. I grip him back and wrap my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. His lips are like lava, hot and burning. My body is on fire, heating to the very core, with each movement of his lips over mine.
He pulls back and leans down to my ear. “If you didn’t want this Dasha, I would have a bloody lip by now.”
“Slade, stop it. We can’t do this. I’m emotional, you’re catching me at the moments when I’m off guard. You can’t take what I’m doing seriously.”
“No, you’re right, I can’t. I also can’t take what you’re saying seriously.”
“Slade I didn’t…”
“I don’t believe that this is nothing, you and I both feel it and it’s there, even if we don’t want it to be. I made a fucking mistake Dashy, but I want to make it up to you. I want to make love to you, to show you how beautiful it really is. Heck, I bet you haven’t made love to anyone and had it feel as good as you know I can make it feel.”
“That’s not true,” I stammer.
“Isn’t it? Tell me how many times you’ve screamed and shuddered around a man?”
I flush and my skin prickles.
“Or how many times you’ve come beneath one.”
Oh my.
“Or how many times your body sparks to life when being kissed all over.”
“Slade, please, stop.”
“When are you going to see what’s between us is real Dash?”
“It’s not, you left me and I’ve hardly seen you. Each time you’ve been back, all we’ve done is taunt each other.”
“We taunted each other to cover the hurt and you damn well know it.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Slade, I stopped loving you a long time ago.”
“Fine, Dash,” he says, letting me go and standing. “Have it your way, you can deny how you feel all you want. You can use that night to make excuses and hide your feelings. You can run, but I won’t stop feeling this Dash. I’ve never stopped feeling it. One day, you’ll wake up and stop blaming the world for your problems, and you’ll feel it too.”
I hear my door slam as he walks out, and I feel my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. He’s right, I just don’t know if he’s right about it all or just some of it. Part of me, the hidden part, fears he’s right about all of it.
“Marco!” Slade calls, his body moving through the water at our favorite swimming spot.
“Polo!”
I cry, giggling.
He comes closer and I dodge to the side, giggling. He calls Marco again and I go under the water, ramming right into his body. He reaches down and grips me, then hurls me up and we both splutter as we laugh.
“You always do that Dashy!” he snorts, water trickling from his nose.
“Ew, water just came out of your nose.”
“You love it, go on and admit it.”
I laugh and shake my head, but he begins tickling me.
“Go on and admit it Dashy, you love it.”