Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (10 page)

“
Why is change needed?
Many times, in order to survive, we have to start a change process.
We sometimes need to get rid of old habits or notions.
Only freed from our past burdens can we take advantage of the present.
”

“
That
’
s why the Legion grants us a new start,
”
added Private Telk, enthused.
“
And amnesty from the IRS.
”

“
When it rains, most birds head for shelter
,” Patton went on
.
“
The eagle is the only bird that, to avoid rain, flies above the clouds.
An eagle can identify a rabbit moving a mile away.
That means an eagle flying at an altitude of one thousand feet over open country can spot prey over an area of almost three square miles from a fixed position.
It
’
s like the scope on my new battle tank.
God wants humanity to spread its wings to soar with eagles and conquer the galaxy.
”

Chapter 10

Most people
knew
the desert
w
as hot, hot
,
hot, but forg
o
t that at night the desert
was
often not, not, not.
Private Telk shivered from the cold wind blowing from the mountains.
Winter in the New Gobi
wa
s harsh enough, but now it was raining.

Telk longed for a normal winter.
Snow was much better than the rain, flash floods, and mud of New Colorado.
Wet clay stuck heavy to Telk
’
s boots as he walked.
His bunker filled with water.
Tents leaked.
If Telk was at home, he would just go inside, but the Legion d
idn’t
live inside.

“
It doesn
’
t rain in the Legion, it rains
on
the Legion!
”
shouted Sergeant Williams, ignoring Telk
’
s complaints.

What
’
s that supposed to mean?
Private Telk groused silently.
Complaining to Sergeant Williams was pointless.
Telk hated Williams.
Patton
’
s advice was to adapt.
Telk gave that
more thought, covering himself with tarp from his tent.
An eagle would fly off, above the clouds, but desertion was a capital offense.
Telk drifted, dreaming of
home and snow and better times in Lake Placid, New York.
..

*
* * * *

Randal Benshoof Telk, America
’
s foremost men
’
s singles luge racer, propelled the United States single
-
handed to dominance in the very dangerous and competitive Olympic sport of downhill luge racing.
Reaching speeds of
over one-hundred-sixty miles per hour,
Telk was again going for the gold.
Steering by dozens of subtle moves made by flexing the blade runners with his calf muscles, and exerting positive shoulder pressure to the seat, Telk streaked down the track, head low, riding flat
,
and
planning for an
aerodynamic
streak
toward the finish line.

By freak accident, or maybe Canadian sabotage
–
aye
!
–
the front runner blade came off as the sled hit a bump.
It was a
‘
White World of Sports
’
greatest most painful moment, forever etched in the retinas of drunk late
-
night TV viewers.
Telk
’
s body was thrown like a rag doll
across
a beer garden, through trees, over a cliff, and into the ocean filled with stinging jellyfish and frenzied great white sharks at the height of mating season.
Telk courageously fought the sharks off long enough to be carried toward shore by a dolphin, before they both were mangled by a boat propeller.
Nearly d
rowning in an abandoned fish net, Telk washed up on shore where he crawled to a busy street and was
struck
by a hit-and-run cab.
Grim Reaper gang members robbed Telk of his shoes
. B
elieving in karma,
they
dropped him off at a hospital emergency center that gave out free needles and condoms.

A horrified America demanded that the dolphin be saved.
Too late, the dolphin had already been processed into yummy cat food.
Being an election year, the President was quick to act.
Bother
Barack
announced that in keeping with his campaign promise of lots of free stuff for everyone, no expense would be spared to fix Randal B
enshoof
Telk, America
’
s luge hero.
The best cyborg and science fiction specialists were called in.
Even world
-
famous science
-
fiction writer Walter Knight was consulted, recommending euthanasia and dolphin
-
safe fish
nets.

World renowned Albert Einstein College of Medicine Yeshiva University Professor and
Dr.
Prabhakar Hargundu
–
not related in any way with the camel Hargundu of the same name, famous star of camel food commercials and porn movies
–
was tapped for corrective surgery, and to design Telk
’
s new limbs.
A Senate Oversight Committee approved only the best American and Canadian
–
aye
!
–
manufactured replacement parts.

Tiny nuclear reactors provided power to micro
-
servo drives and compact hydraulic systems in Telk
’
s new legs and arms.
Actually, Telk still had one arm left, but this being a government project, both arms were replaced anyway to pair down overall costs and eliminate waste.
Virtually all internal organs, even his eyes, one brown and one blue, were replaced with bionic parts.
Women members of Congress on the Committee authorized Telk
’
s new extra large penis, confirming that indeed size does matter.

Telk woke from his coma disorientated and in pain,
Dr.
Hargundu at his side.
Telk
’
s last memory was of the terrible accident.

“
We rebuilt you stronger, faster, and better than before,
”
bragged
Dr.
Hargundu.
“
Your bionics will make you almost a superman.
”

“
I need a pack of
C
amel
-brand
no
-
filter cigarettes,
”
advised Telk, already suffering from nicotine withdrawal.

“
No way, Jos
é
.
This is a hospital.
Smoking is prohibited!
”

Telk could kill for a cigarette.
He grabbed
Dr.
Hargundu by the throat and shook him to get the fool
’
s attention.
“
I said I need a smoke!
”

“
No problem,
”
replied
Dr.
Hargundu, producing a small pipe of questionable contents.
“
Gracious goodness, please let go of my neck!
”

Telk lit up, inhaling a deep breath and holding it, before breathing out through his nose.
“
That
’
s some good shit,
”
he commented.
“
What happened to me?
How did I wreck?
”

“
The Federation International de Luge de Course in Berchtesgaden, Germany, determined it was
a
steering error, not
a
track or sled design
flaw
, that caused your catastrophe,
”
answered
Dr.
Hargundu, worried about second
-
hand smoke harming other patients as he frantically fanned to the window.

“
I
’
m going to kick some Kraut ass when I get out of here,
”
promised Telk, flexing his new body parts and muscles.
He peer
ed
down under.
“
Oh
,
my God!
”

“
I have more good news and bad news,
”
announced
Dr.
Hargundu nervously.
“
Because you were not covered by a medical plan, you will be required to work off the substantial cost of your bionics by doing some minor jobs for the CIA.
I
’
m afraid you luge days are over.
It would be an unfair advantage.
”

“
Oh
,
my God!
”
repeated Telk, still staring down under.
“
How soon before I get to test out my new bionic junk?
”

“
Rehabilitation specialist Nurse Yolanda will assist you with therapy shortly.
Yolanda comes highly recommended, a real professional.
”

As if on cue, Nurse Yolanda entered the room strutting her stuff, immediately checking Telk
’
s
extra-
large bionics.
“
I have more good news,
”
she announced, grabbing hold to test strength.
“
With this warranted baby, you will be able to increase your
three-hundred-ninety-six
steps to sexual bliss to
four-hundred-thirty-two
steps
to
sexual bliss.
We begin your therapy now!
”

* * * * *

Private Telk snapped alert as the rain stopped, seeing movement in the shrubs beyond his bunker.
Without hesitation Telk fired one shot, killing another armadillo.
Flees and mites abandoned ship as Telk fileted the armadillo into sections.
Sergeant Williams was quick to confront Telk about the shooting.
“
You are supposed to be guarding the perimeter, not hunting squirrel,
”
admonished Sergeant Williams.
“
You gave away our position!
”

“
It
’
s armadillo, not squirrel,
”
corrected Telk, continuing to slice and dice.
“
Captain Patton gave me permission to eat all the armadillo I want.
”

“
We
’
ll see about that,
”
groused Sergeant Williams, scanning the bush line.
“
Keep an eye out.
Armadillos travel in pairs.
I want the next one.
Watch for rabbit, too.
We can make a stew or soup.
”

“
You think rabbit mixed with armadillo would taste good?
”

“
It
’
s a acquired taste, but no more than armadillo.
I
’
ll ask around.
Some people don
’
t like hare in their soup.
Go figure.
”

“
Yes, sergeant.
”

As Telk continued carving up his next meal, a new fantasy overtook him...

* * * * *

Born the son of a king in the mountains of Carpathia, Randal Telk, Jr. was only one day old when the entire royal family was murdered by assassins hired by Rome.
Telk was rescued and hidden by his nanny, a witch.
Pagan prophesy told of a child born of slain royal blood, friend of beast and man, destined to be a great warrior and lover.
The child would have one blue eye of his father, and one brown eye of the beast.
The witch gazed into the infant
’
s blue and brown eyes, knowing this was the child of the prophesy.
She would have her turn when the Beast Master came of age.