Rider (Defenders M.C. Book 3) (7 page)

“Lizzie?”

“She’s fine.”  Lacey tilted her head to the side.  “She is recovering from the whole thing.  She has been asking for you.”

Rider shook his head.  “I’m not fit for her to see right now Lace.  I can’t even figure out what is real and what’s not anymore.”

He ran his hands through his hair.  It was longer than he used to keep it and felt dry and brittle.  That pretty much described him altogether.  He was dry and brittle to the core.  If a strong wind blew he would be gone like ashes in the wind.  He knew he wasn’t strong enough to go home.

“So I can get out of here and into rehab?”

She nodded.  “We can go straight there from here if that’s what you want to do.”

“Then what?”

“That’s up to you.  You can become a citizen or you can come back and be a brother.”

Rider nodded.  He wasn’t sure what he would do, but it was nice to know he still had a family and he still had options.

“Thanks Lacey.  Thanks for everything.  I can’t even begin…”

She smiled and he knew she understood.  He was thanking her for more than her legal services.

She drove him to the rehab center and helped him check in.  Lizzie had been able to secure him a place here since she knew some of the staff.  He felt his heart squeeze when Lacey told him that.  She still cared enough to help him.

“Lacey, do you think I could call Lizzie?  Before I go in?  Do you think she would want to talk to me?”

She raised her brows.

“Just give me the fucking phone.”

“That’s more like it.  This nice stuff isn’t like you.”

“I was always nice to you Lace.”

Lacey handed him her phone after dialing the number without comment.  Lizzie answered on the first ring.

“Hello Lizzie.”

He heard the smile in her voice and knowing he put it there made him smile too.

“Oh Rider, you sound so good!  I wasn’t sure I would hear from you today.”

“That’s my fault and I aim to change it.  You will learn to count on me.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

And just like that all of the past few months melted away, maybe it had been years since they had talked this way.

“I’m starting to feel good again.  Are you alright Lizzie?  I was worried out of my mind.”

“I’m ok Rider.  I came to see you last night, don’t you remember?”

He heard a hollowness to her voice when she spoke and he knew he’d hurt her feelings.

“I wasn’t sure it was real.”  He let a self-depreciating laugh slip out.  “I have dreams like that all the time.  I sure was hoping though.”

“I have missed hearing you laugh.”

“I’ve missed having something to laugh about.”

“I’ll see what I can do about that.”  She paused.

" align="jwidth="3em" align="justify">“What is it Lizzie?”

“Do you regret last night?”

“I wanted to see you Lizzie but not like this, not the way I am.  I need to get better first.  Last night was like a dream.  It was the most amazing dream.  I don’t regret it and I don’t regret the night we spent together the day I left.  I can never regret anything with you except hurting you.  I need to get better before I can be what you need though.”

“I know.  I understand Rider.  I really do.  I will be here when you get out.”

It was a promise.  He heard it in the tone of her voice and he trusted it with everything he was.  He would get through this and he would go home.  Home to Lizzie.  Home to his brothers.

“Write to me?  Real letters that I can hang onto?  Real nasty stuff to keep me going.”

“Every day.”  She giggled and Rider felt like his heart would burst.

“Ok.  I will see you soon Lizzie.”

He hung up the phone and handed it back to Lacey who was looking like a water pot.

“Stop that shit Lace.  I already feel like a pussy I don’t want to start bawling like one too.”

Lacey let out a little laugh and nodded as she dabbed her eyes.  “I’m just happy for you Rider.”  She hugged him before he could stop her and really he didn’t want to.

“Hell yes!  This is a thrill for me too.  You just know how much I fucking love hospitals, now I get to spend ninety days in one.”  He looked around the front of the building and gave Lacey a grin. 

“It doesn’t look like a shithole though. Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome, you asshole.”

  He smirked at her and felt alive again for the first time in a long time.  He could see the light at the end of the tunnel and this time he knew it wasn’t a train.

Thirteen

Lizzie didn’t sleep anymore.  She worked as many hours as they would allow her to work at the hospital to try and make up for the lives she had taken.  She wrote to Rider every day and sometimes she let him know how bad she was hurting.  Mostly she tried to keep it light for him, but there were days…" er every dont>

Shadow watched her like a hawk and so did Spec.  She didn’t know who all knew what she had done, but she felt like it was written on her skin.  She felt like everyone accused her.  She felt evil.

She looked up when a shadow moved near where she sat in the back yard of the club house.  It was after three in the morning and she knew who watched her.

“You should be sleeping.”

“Seems like the ghosts are out tonight.”  Spec said as he stepped into the moonlight.  The moon reflected off his glasses as he adjusted them.

“I guess that’s something I’ll get used to.”

“Should have let Shad handle them Lizzie.  We know how to deal with it.  This shit is tearing you apart.  You can’t keep going like this.”

“I couldn’t let him do that for me.”

“So you did it for him instead?”

She nodded

“I thought so.”  He nodded.  “It was noble.  It does bother him.  He has a lot of blood on his hands.  It haunts him.  He wouldn’t have wanted you to do that though, you are too good.  He wouldn’t have wanted you to corrupt yourself for him, neither would any of us.”

“I know, but I couldn’t stand to see that look in his eyes.”  Lizzie rubbed the chill from her arms and Spec settled down beside her.  She knew he was offering his body heat and she was thankful.

Spec bumped her shoulder with his own.  “This thing between us doesn’t have to end.”

“No.”  She turned to look at him.  “I hope not.  I love you Spec.  You are the best friend I’ve ever had.  No more sex though.”

“Shit.  The sex was the best part.”  He laughed so she knew he was joking, of course he was.  She knew the sex was the least of them.

“I know.  How will you ever replace me?”

“I won’t.”  He shrugged.  “I bet Rider has lost all his mojo.  You may need to call on me… on the side.”

Lizzie felt a laugh bubble within her.  When it escaped it was like she was releasing her ghosts.  She knew they would be back, but they were giving her peace for a little while.

“Come on.  You can sleep with me tonight.  No sex.”

Lizzie studied him in the moonlight.  She nodded and let him lead he kt hidtr inside and up to his bedroom.  She curled up beside him as she had so many nights, but this time it was different, there was no charge of sexuality, just friendship and comfort.

“Spec?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you for being my friend.”

“I’ll always be your friend cupcake, no matter what happens.  You can always trust me.”

“I know and you can trust me too.”

“I do know that.  Now sleep.  I’ll keep the monsters away.”

Lizzie snuggled in close to him and drifted off.  She knew he would keep her safe.  He always kept his word.

Lizzie learned to deal with her demons with a little help.  Shadow still watched her and she knew he had figured out what she had done and why.  She couldn’t tell if he was angry, but no one could ever tell what he was feeling.  Someone bumped her and she turned to find her father sitting beside her.

“He’s a little pissed at you.”  He nodded toward Shadow.  “But he’s touched too.”  He laughed.  “I think that’s the part that pisses him off the most.”

She looked into his eyes.  Did he know?  “Why?”

He didn’t speak for a minute as he took a long drink of beer.  “We both know why.”

Lizzie nodded as she felt her eyes water.

“I’m real proud of you Lizzie.  It took courage and more grit than I thought you had.  Hate that you had to do it though.”  He continued to drink.

Something unraveled inside of Lizzie. 

“Are you disappointed in me Daddy?”

Preach sat his beer down on the bar.  He turned and met her watery green eyes.  “I am disappointed in myself for not protecting you better, for putting you in that position.  I’m disappointed in Shad and Spec for not getting to you sooner, but not you.  You are an amazing woman and I am proud of you.”

He grasped her chin between his thumb and fore finger and leaned over to lean his forehead against hers.

“I could never be anything but proud of you Lizzie.  Not ever.”

Lizzie threw herself into his arms and let herself cry.  He was a tough man, but he had a little seed of tenderness that he only let out when one of his girls k ofw h needed him.  She needed him now and he held her close.

“Thank you daddy.”

She felt him smile against her hair and relaxed.  Things would be alright.

Fourteen

Rider stepped out into the bright sunlight.  It had been three months since the charges were dropped.  He’d been in rehab and had shared several visits with the brothers and two with Lizzie.  He’d been surprised to see Moose, but he was the first to make the three hour ride to see Rider, to reach out to him and make him feel like family again.  He’d apologized for the way he’d treated Rider and they had talked for hours about what had happened while Rider had been with Ginny.  Rider understood the bitterness now.  He understood the trouble he’d caused by being wrapped up in Ginny and he accepted the responsibility.  Moose also updated him on what was going on in the club.  It made him feel like less of an outcast.

Moose had also shared part of his own story.  It amazed Rider how little he’d known about the men he called family.  He was a self-centered dick and he hated knowing it. Moose told him how he’d met Bambi and how she had taken over his mind.  How she had obliterated his desires for other women and the draw for the wilder side of life.  She had given him purpose and direction.  She had also helped him kick a nasty drug habit and helped him fight it when temptation got too strong. 

The knowledge that Moose had done it helped Rider find a measure of strength.  He could do it and his brothers would help him.  He didn’t need the support group because he had one.  His was rough and at times cold blooded, but they had his back and he trusted them.  He realized that he’d never been really close to any of them.  He had never taken the time to know them.  Now he craved that connection.  He was a wolf and they were his pack and it was time he took his place back.

His eyes landed on Lizzie.  She sat on his bike and waited.  There were eleven brothers waiting to lead him back home and as he walked to his bike he felt like a man for the first time in his life.  He wore his mistakes and shortcomings along with his accomplishments.  He didn’t hide them and he could give a fuck less if anyone had issue with it.  He took his place in line with his brothers and accepted the responsibility of being one of them as he shrugged his on over his white t-shirt.

Lizzie melted into him as he climbed on his bike.  She was different and the same somehow.  She wore a haunted look that she hadn’t before and he vowed to get to the bottom of it, but she was beautiful and she was his.  She had lost the innocent look that she had once worn so well, but it had been replaced by the intelligence of a woman who knew what the world was about and who was prepared to face it head on.  That was the woman he needed.  The woman who could stand by his side and offer strength when he needed it.  That was the woman who could live nhe need with him when he couldn’t live with himself and that was the woman he wanted to live his life with.

Rider was a Defender.  He was a bad ass motherfucker and he would fight for his woman and his club the same way they would fight for him.  He may not deserve them, but he was taking them and he would kill anyone who stood in his way.  He let his eyes find Ink in the crowd of roaring motorcycles and knew what his next tat would be. He found Moose, Shad, Ace, and others.  They all nodded and cheered as Rider cranked his bike.  It was time to go home.

They arrived back at the compound and Rider couldn’t believe what he found.  There was a party in his honor.  He was being welcomed home.  Lizzie smiled, but it barely reached her eyes.  She stayed by his side though and he made sure she knew that he only had eyes for her.  Her letters had kept him going when he hadn’t been sure he could face the day.  She had written every day although sometimes he knew she had been too tired.  He loved those letters best though, the ones that didn’t quite make sense.  The ones that seemed less guarded.  Those had let him see into her mind.