RISK (19 page)

Nolan

"You know I'm not one for eavesdropping, Mr. Black, but I swear I heard you talking to someone on the phone just now about becoming a police officer." Eda stands in the doorway of my office. "Are you considering a career change?"

"If I were going to change careers at this point, I'd chase after your job, Eda."

She purses her lips as she surveys me over the frames of her glasses. "My job? Why is that?"

"You're paid five times as much as any other assistant in this organization, and you show up to work whenever you get the urge. You're late today." I look down at my watch. "Two hours late to be exact. You made it here just in time for your coffee break."

She smiles. "I have a good reason for being late today, sir."

"The reason better be Miller in marketing."

"Mr. Miller?" Her face flushes bright red. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I had a meeting with Miller the other day. He brought up your legs three times, Eda and he's always hanging around your desk." I resist the urge to grin. "Why do you think I keep sending you to marketing? Your husband died more than four years ago. It's time to get back in the game."

She fans herself with her hand. "I did have coffee with Mr. Miller yesterday."

"Coffee?" I arch a brow. "You two are moving at a snail's pace. If you weren't with Miller this morning, where were you?"

"I went to the airport."

I tilt my head, studying her face. She looks like she's about to burst. "Do you want me to ask why, Eda?"

"Yes." She nods vigorously.

Three of her four daughters live out of state. If one flew in for a visit, I'm giving Eda the week off. I'm not going to limit her time with her daughters. Since becoming a parent, I now understand why my assistant uses her allotted vacation days to spend when her kids are here. "Which one of your girls is here?"

"I haven't been called a girl since I got sacked in the Super Bowl back in seventy one," a deep voice says from behind her.

"Jersey?" I stand when I see him walk up behind Eda. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Watch the mouth, Rigs." He closes the distance between us before he pulls me into a warm hug. "Your granddad would take you to task for that language."

He's right. Jersey was my grandfather's closest friend for most of his life and is more like him than anyone I know. I never heard a curse word leave my grandfather's lips. He'd threaten to wash my mouth out with soap if he heard me doing it. "When I saw you in Vegas you didn't say anything about coming to New York. Is the family all right?"

"I'm back for a shotgun wedding." He steps back and rests his hands on my shoulders. "You're looking at an almost great-grandpa."

"Congratulations." I tap his chest. "Who's having a baby?"

"Caroline." He shakes his head, his deep blue eyes filling with tears. "Can you believe it? My sweet Caroline is going to be a mom."

"She'll be a great one." I bite back the urge to tear up too. My grandfather, Emmanuel Black, held May only twice before he suffered a fatal stroke. He would have been a defining force in her life. I wish every single day that she could have known him the way I did.

"That she will." He turns to look over his shoulder. "Janine called Eda to pick us up so we could surprise the kids. You're treating Eda well, aren't you?"

"I couldn't ask for a better boss, Wally." Eda leans against the doorjamb. "I'm still grateful that you and Janine got me this job."

"We may have got your foot in the door." He pulls back and reaches out to Eda. "You've kept it there."

She takes his hand and squeezes it. "You've kept my sister happy for most of her life. You're the best brother-in-law a woman could ever ask for. We're both lucky."

"That we are." He kisses the back of her hand. "Janine brought you a gift. She picked up a handbag at an auction. I don't get the appeal, but she's got one and said you'd love one too. That's a surprise, Eda, so don't blow it."

"You just blew it." She drops his hand. "I'll act surprised. Janine spoils me."

"That's what big sisters are for." He turns back to me. "I got May something too."

"You got May something?" I scratch my chin. "You don't need to bring her a gift every time you're in the city."

"I do, Rigs."

I would never tell Wally he can't give my daughter a gift. He's an important part of her life. Since he moved to Vegas, we don't see him as often, but when he's in New York, he makes time to see May. He tells her stories about the great-grandfather she'll never know and answers her questions about whatever she's curious about that day. Their bond is special and important to my little girl.

"I was at a magic show on the strip and they had junior magic kits for sale." He chuckles. "The cape, top hat, magic wand, the whole nine yards. She's going to love it."

She will. It'll mean the world to her and her dream job will morph from artist to magician in the blink of an eye. I grab my jacket from the coatrack. "We can head over to see her now if you've got the time."

"I'm here until my great-grandchild arrives. I've got all the time in the world for May." He pats my cheek. "For you too, Rigs. You ever need anything, I'm here for you. Rain or shine; night or day."

Rain or shine. Night or day.

Those six words are what my grandfather said to me every time I saw him. Until the last time when he told me he loved me and that he was proud of the man I'd become.

***

"Tell me why you didn't want to meet at the shoebox, Ellie." I clench my hands together in front of me on the table. "This café is hopping for this time of night. I had no idea so many people drank coffee before bed."

"Maybe they aren't planning on going to bed," she shoots back with a straight face.

Apparently, we're not going to bed together tonight either.  It was an easy conclusion to jump to after she called to ask me to meet her at this coffee shop less than a block from her place. I suggested the shoebox apartment, but she was adamant that it had to be here. I wanted to see her, so I jumped on board and walked over.

"What's going on?" I lean back in the solid wooden chair I sat in while I waited for her to arrive. I'd stood to greet her with a kiss, but she bypassed me completely. She headed straight for the counter and ordered herself a mug of hot fruity tea.

She blows on the steaming liquid, her tongue darting out to touch her top lip. If she's trying to remind me of what I'm not getting tonight, it's working.

"Ellie?" I prompt with a pat of my hand on the top of the table. "Is everything okay?"

She sets the mug down without taking a sip. "I'm not the jealous type, Nolan."

I am. I'm so fucking jealous that I spent much of my morning calling anyone I could think of who works for the NYPD. I was looking for someone that might be able to score Ellie a place in the Police Academy. I pulled up profiles on social media for three guys I haven't spoken to since high school, but who all wanted to be police officers. I struck out, three for three. 

Foolish pride may be the driving force behind my actions, but I want to be the one to help her get her dream job. Sebastian Wolf is a homicide detective, and from what Kristof dug up, he's not well liked on the force. The guy has broken every rule in the book so if Ellie's hoping he'll be her ticket to securing a uniform; she's got a long wait ahead of her.

"I know you were with Shelby last night." Her voice is tinged with sadness.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I try to keep it together. My gut instinct is to accuse her of following me, but I want that. I want her to want me all to herself. I need Ellie to feel as compelled to know everything about me as I am to know everything about her.

"Gretel saw you," she offers, her chin high, her eyes focused on mine. "Adley and I were picking up dinner at a deli and Gretel was there getting snacks for Leila. She said you and Shelby were at Normand's Pub having a drink."

"Shelby had lemon water. I had a scotch, a double."

She stares at me for a minute, her eyes darting from my face to the mug of tea. "I don’t care what either of you ordered. I care that you were there with her."

Somewhere inside of me I feel elation at knowing that. I feel hope seeing the pained expression on her face. It matters to her that I was with Shelby. What matters to me is that she understands why.

"I went out for a drink with Crew after May fell asleep."

"Gretel didn't mention seeing Crew and I'm pretty sure she would have if he were there." She shrugs. "She was specific when she said that she saw you and Shelby talking."

"Shelby showed up and Crew moved to another table so we could talk." I'm not going to try and hide what's going on. My intention after I spoke to Shelby last night was to talk to Ellie. I want her to know what Shelby said to me. I want her to understand before Shelby follows through on her threat to sell her story to the most popular gossip site on the internet. I told her to do it. I have no idea if she was serious but I want Ellie to hear Shelby's fucked up accusations from me, not read about them online.

"Talk about what, Nolan?" She asks incredulously, her hands shakily reaching for the mug.

I lean forward to stop her hands in place. I cover them with mine.  I can't risk her burning herself, or me, when she hears what I'm about to say. "Shelby is pregnant, Ellie. She says the baby is mine."

Ellie

This was not how this conversation went in any of the dozen scenarios I played over in my head since last night. Not once would I have guessed that they were sitting on that patio talking about a baby. He's going to have another child. This time with a supermodel who moonlights as a petty thief. Good for him. I don't want any part of this.

"I'm leaving." I try to stand, but his grip on my hands is too tight.

"You're going to sit here and let me explain, Ellie."

I've been waiting all day to talk to him. I went up to his office right after lunch to see if he was available, but Eda told me he'd left for the day. I was tempted to call him, but I wanted to respect his time with his daughter. Maybe he wasn't even with her. He was probably with Shelby picking the furniture for a new nursery.

"I don't need an explanation, Nolan." I move to the edge of the chair and tug my hands away from his. "What you had with Shelby was before we met. I understand that. I'm not leaving because I'm mad that she's pregnant. I'm leaving because you obviously have a lot on your plate that you need to deal with."

He pulls back, his right hand scrubs his forehead. "I don't blame you for wanting to bolt, but I'd like a chance to explain things. I want you to understand something very important."

I already know what the next words out of his mouth are going to be.

The new baby won't change anything between us.

I can handle a relationship with you and a co-parent arrangement with Shelby.

Let's meet at the shoebox tomorrow night at nine and celebrate that I'm going to be a dad again with a few hours of fucking.

I might be wrong about the last one but I know I'm right about the first two.

"I don't give a fuck if Shelby is pregnant." He squeezes his eyes shut for a second. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not a cruel bastard. I hope the best for her but that baby has nothing to do with me. There is no chance in hell I'm the father. No possible chance, Ellie."

Isn't that the tune every man sings when he's caught by the balls, literally, caught by the balls? "How can you know for sure you're not the father? When we were in Vegas, I heard you admit to sleeping with her twice. You know from experience it takes one time, just one time."

"It's not physically possible for me to be the father of that child." He looks around the café. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Ellie?"

"You're saying that you don’t think the condom failed." I sigh heavily. Is he that dense? He's gone through this before. If any man should be aware of the slim chance that a condom can fail to deliver on its promise, it's Nolan Black. "You need to rethink the brand of condoms you're using or maybe you need a lesson on how to roll one on the right way."

I roll my fingers in the air for good measure.

"I'm perfectly capable of putting on a condom."

"Apparently you're not." I straighten my shoulders. "Condoms aren't foolproof, Nolan. Neither is the pill."

"Vasectomies are. I've had one, so there is zero chance the baby that Shelby is carrying is mine."

***

A vasectomy? He had one. He can't have another child, ever.

"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"

I lift my head when he asks the question. I look at him. He's young. He's older than I am by a few years but he's not even thirty yet and he's made the decision not to have another child. Logically, I understand why but still it seems drastic for someone his age.

"Yes." I pick up the mug of tea. "You had a vasectomy."

It shouldn't bother me. It's not as if he just proposed marriage and then dropped that bombshell on me. We're dating. We had sex; very safe sex which is a plus I didn't know about until now. Still, it tugs at the corner of my heart to know that he can't ever be a dad again.

"Does it bother you?"

Why should it? We'll date for a while, and then he'll move on to someone new and I will too. Eventually, I'll meet a guy I fall in love with and we'll get married and have kids.

"No." My voice is barely more than a whisper. "Maybe. I'm not sure."

He presses his lips together as he studies me. Then he licks them, quickly. "I had it done a week after May arrived. I didn't want to risk having another baby."

"Are you glad you did it?" I ask. "Do you think you'll ever regret it?"

He opens his mouth and then snaps it shut. He gazes across the café at a couple with a baby in a stroller. The baby is fussing. The mom and dad, taking turns handing it toys and a bottle filled with milk. "I'm glad I have May. She's the only child I want."

It's honest. It's also finite. A long term relationship with Nolan Black means no children of my own. I shake off the thought. "I guess I'm safe to assume that Shelby didn't know about it before last night."

"She didn't," he concurs. "I explained to her last night that she's barking up the wrong tree. She insisted that she'll still get a court order for my DNA to prove I'm the father. I told her to call my lawyer."

A child's life is being broken down into legal briefs and blood samples. That's not how I want it to be when I become a mom. I want my baby to feel loved and wanted. I want every second of my pregnancy to be filled with hope and promise.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Ellie. What's going through that beautiful mind?"

"A million thoughts." I pick up the mug and then put it back on the table in the next breath. "It's a lot to take in."

"I know," he says firmly. "I didn't anticipate us having this conversation yet. I didn't know it would be this soon."

His words suggest that he was planning it at some point. He sees potential where I see nothing but utter confusion.

Do I keep dating a man who can never be a father to my children?

What happens if I fall in love with him and realize that having children of my own means more to me than he does?

"Do you see yourself having children one day, Ellie?"

I nod my head while a grin pulls at the corner of my lips. "I think so. It's a distant concept to me at this point, but I think one day I'd like to be a mom."

He takes a deep breath. "I understand if this changes things for you. I still want to see you, but if you need to walk away, I promise I'll only chase you for a few weeks."

I let out a laugh. I'm not sure if there's anything genuine in it or not. I'm also not convinced that ending this is the right thing for me. I like him. I like him so much that the thought of walking away from him, makes me pause.

What harm is there in seeing where this will go? If it gets too serious, I can stop and take a breath to think about what I want.

"I still want to see you," I reassure him. "No promises, Nolan. We need to take this day-by-day. Date-by-date."

"We can take this whatever way you want it, Ellie."

I pick up the mug of tea and take a sip. "I want it slow and steady."

"We're still talking about dating, right? You're not talking about…"

"No," I interrupt with a small smile. "I'm not talking about fucking. I'm talking about going home to my place and you going home to your apartment."

"So I can think about all the things I wish I were doing to you?" he whispers as he leans forward on the table.

So you can be there for your daughter if she wakes up. The only daughter you'll ever have.

I don't say it even though it's the only thing I can think about. Nolan Black comes with a ridiculous amount of baggage, yet I can't walk away. I know I should but somewhere deep inside me it feels like there's a link to him that is too strong to ignore.