Sanctity (29 page)

“I asked if you would like to try and log
some miles this weekend.  What do you say are you up for a
ride?”

I forced a smile that I honestly did not
feel, “Sure, that sounds great.”  I could see that Charlie was
not satisfied with my response but he took my answer and ran with
it.

“I was out with Zach last week and found a
new trail.  We think it may be a bootleg.”

I frowned, “Bootleg?”

“Yeah, an illegal trail.  The state park
only allows a certain number of trails on the public lands to
preserve the natural environment as best it can.  There are
some parts of the park that are clearly marked off-limits but we
saw another rider walk his bike a little way into one of the
restricted areas.  A few seconds later he hopped on his bike
and pedaled away.  Zach and I went to where he took off from
and sure enough, there was a trail there.  We rode a few miles
of it but couldn’t go any further because it was starting to get
dark.  I want to finish exploring and thought if you were up
for it we could check it out together.”

I felt a spasm of regret
whenever Charlie used the word 
together
 ; do you want me to
come by so we can do our homework 
together
, do you want to
ride 
together
 this weekend, let’s get 
together
 with Zach and Danielle
and go to the movies or something.  There was a combination of
reasons for that.  I felt partially to blame, for one that
Charlie and Missy were no longer 
together
.  Then there was the
horrible realization that I was not at all 
together
 and on top of that was
the blatantly obvious Charlie wanted us to be
 together
.

Charlie was pretty much the sweetest person I
knew and he had really grown into his looks since freshman
year.  He was not spectacularly handsome but he was cute and
smart and just about the only person I had fun with those
days.  He was always quick to forgive, too, especially when he
brought me back from my reflections and I was snappish and sharp
because sometimes I just didn’t want to come back.

He suggested a time to come by to pick me up
and I readily agreed.  It was hard for me to disagree or form
much of an opinion about so many things.  I had a hard time
feeling anything but indifferent towards whatever was proposed
whether it was where we should go or what we should do or what I’d
like to eat.  None of it seemed to matter but I had learned
that it was easier to make it through the day under the guise of
taking an interest and participating.  If I didn’t I would end
up fielding a million questions that I either didn’t feel like
answering or simply didn’t have the answers to.

Margaret overheard us making our plans for
riding and smiled.  I was glad that I made her happy by
accepting Charlie’s invitation.  “Are you staying for dinner
tonight, Charlie?” she asked.

“No, not tonight, I have a thing.”

He said that from time to
time, “I have a thing.”  I was not thoughtful enough to
question him about it, though Margaret had once before and asked
him curiously, “Any 
thing
 special?” 

All he said was “Nah,” and shrugged his
shoulders in a dismissive manner that suggested he had nothing more
to say about it.  Margaret was not one to pry so she let it go
at that. 

After Charlie left I helped Margaret with
dinner and while it was cooking I took Kaley for her evening
walk.  It was a good thing that she was so familiar with our
routines.  There had been more than a time or two that I lost
track of what we were doing and just kept wandering down the
greenway.  Kaley would just plop down when that happened and
would refuse to walk any further.  She outweighed me by about
20 lbs. and when she did this I would reach the end of the slack on
her leash and get a gentle tug back to reality.  It would
remind me that it was time to search for any of Kaley’s trophies
and to head back home.

It was beautiful morning when Charlie came to
pick me up for our ride.  It was warm and sunny and everything
seemed so fresh.  I wondered if it had rained or if there was
just a lot of dew because the sun hadn’t had a chance to burn it
off yet. 

“Did it rain last night Charlie?”

“Uh, uh,” he said, “if it did, I might have
asked to reschedule for tomorrow.  I just cleaned my bike and
the prospect of getting it muddy and having to clean it all over
again is not all that appealing.”

Charlie fetched my bike and I tucked the
cooler Margaret packed for us into the backseat.  I offered to
help Charlie when I was done but he assured me that he had it and
so I settled into the passenger’s seat and buckled up.  We
were both quiet on the way to the trailhead; nothing unusual for me
but Charlie typically had an arsenal of dialogue to keep my mind
from wandering off on any of its murky paths.

Between the quiet and rhythm of the drive I
began to sink into my little cocoon.  When Charlie parked the
car he looked over at me and put a hand on my shoulder. 

“What’s that Charlie, did you say something?”
I snapped to.

“Do you still love him?  Is that where
you always go when you leave us?  Is that why you can’t open
up to me?” He asked.

I didn’t know who Charlie
was talking about so I assumed he must have meant my father because
there was no other 
him
 in my life.

“Who Charlie?  My dad?  Of course I
still love him; at least I think I do.  You know I don’t
remember much of anything before coming to live with Aunt
Margaret.  That’s a really odd question Charlie.” 

“Do you really not remember?” he
persisted.

Again, I thought he was talking about my
childhood, my father, my mother, how much I recalled from growing
up.

“I can’t imagine why you would even ask that
Charlie but no, I don’t remember.  Sometimes I don’t remember
anything, sometimes I don’t remember one moment from the next,” I
felt like I was about to cry.  I had no idea what point
Charlie was trying to make with his line of questioning.  “Do
you think I don’t care about you Charlie, because I do?  I
care an awful lot but if you are trying to say that I can’t let you
in because I’m afraid of losing you the way I did my family, I can
assure you that is not the case.”

He was studying me, looking for something in
my expression, in my eyes.

“Charlie if I have any reason for keeping you
out it is because you deserve better.  I am broken and there
is nothing in this world that will fix me.  This is who I am,
who I will always be.  Can you honestly imagine a happy
relationship with me?  How do you know I won’t just wake up
one day and have forgotten you?”

“I would remember you and that would be
enough,” he whispered.

I was so angry then!  I hated that he
was so devoted and so sincere because I really didn’t want to face
the fact that I simply didn’t love him and that in all likelihood I
would never love him or anyone else for that matter.  Not as I
was, anyway.  I spoke honestly when I told him I was broken
and that I believed there was nothing in the world that would fix
me. 

I hopped out of the car and slammed the
door.  I moved around to the back and started fidgeting with
the straps trying to release my bike.  Charlie stepped up and
put his hand on mine.  I was shaking with grief and anger but
I wouldn’t stop what I was doing.  He took my hand away from
the straps and held me back from any further efforts to fetch my
bike from the rack.  Then he started hugging me and telling me
how sorry he was, that I was right and he was asking too much, too
soon from me.

It took several minutes for Charlie to calm
me down and when he did he led me back to the passenger’s seat and
had me sit while he finished removing the bikes.  He retrieved
all our gear from the backseat; helmets, gloves, glasses and after
a little coaxing managed to get me ride-ready.  He adjusted
his chin strap and called to me.

“C’mon Lily, let’s have some fun!”

I looked up and there was no indication in
his expression of what had just happened.  He looked
determined to make the most of it since we were there and it was
such a beautiful day.  We hopped on our bikes and headed down
the main trail.  It took about 5 minutes to get to the spot
where Charlie believed the bootleg trail to be.  He rested his
bike against a tree and had me wait while he wandered around and
attempted to locate the beginning of the trail. 

I was about to call to him to forget it and
to just get some riding in when he raised his hand over his head
and waved to me that he had found it.  I wrestled my bike to
where he was so we wouldn’t lose track of the trail again and
Charlie scurried off to retrieve his bike.  Once he was back
he straddled his bike and led the way. 

The trail was a lot narrower than the ones I
was used to.  It was somewhat rocky and there were patches of
roots scuttling both across as well as lengthwise along the
trail.  It made for some interesting riding.  I was
forced to stay focused since I needed to keep making adjustments to
my speed and positioning on the bike while trying to avoid as many
obstacles as I could.  We came to occasional hills both up and
down as well as some substantial and fear-inspiring drop-offs that
truly took some effort to navigate.

There were lots of hard to read switchbacks,
too.  We’d be riding along in one direction, come to a hairpin
turn and find ourselves heading in nearly the opposite
direction.  I started to lose my hesitancy after about 15
minutes or so and found that I was actually enjoying myself. 
I may even have smiled once or twice when I thought the trail would
get the better of me but I ended up safely coming through the
obstacle.

Charlie was looking back from time to time to
make sure I was still with him and I could see that he was having a
fun ride too.  Just as the trail looked to be coming into a
clearing, Charlie thought it was a good time for another glance
back to see how I was holding up and as he turned his head he
suddenly dropped down out of sight.  I broke hard and skidded
to a stop just at the edge of a deep set creek bed. 

Charlie was sprawled at the bottom of the
embankment, the lower half of his body covered in water.  His
bike was completely submerged a few feet away from where he
landed.  I called to him but he didn’t answer.  I tore
off my helmet and dropped my bike and scrambled down to where he
was lying.

“Charlie,” I gave him a gentle shake,
“Charlie,” again.

He didn’t answer right away but as I was
about to bend my ear to his lips to hear if he was breathing he
grabbed me and dunked me into the water beside him.

“You!!” But I couldn’t be angry.  I was
so relieved that he wasn’t hurt that I started laughing and
splashing water in his face.

Charlie was so taken aback by my sudden burst
of humor that he just sat there and took it.  After a moment
or two I realized what I was doing and dropped the cupful of water
I had in my hands and continued to laugh out loud.  Charlie
looked so ridiculous sitting in the water with all his riding gear
on and a crazed grin on his face that I couldn’t seem to get myself
under control.  Every time my laughter settled into a giggle I
found new humor in our situation and would burst out all over
again.

After a while Charlie decided that he had had
enough of being waterlogged and humiliated.  He dragged
himself and his bike from the creek.  While he checked to make
sure it wasn’t damaged in any way someone called to us from the
other side of the creek bed.

“Hey there, everything alright?”

It was one of the park rangers and I was
about to panic knowing full well that we were in one of the
restricted areas. 

“Uh, yeah,” Charlie called back.  We
were just taking a break and thought we’d get a closer look at the
creek.  I slipped on the embankment and took a little
tumble.”

“Well, that creek is off-limits.  Double
back that way and you’ll find the main trail.  Next time be
more careful about where you’re exploring.”  He tipped his hat
to us and climbed back into his pick-up.

“That was lucky,” I said.  “How’s your
bike?”

“Rideable.”

“Maybe we should take his advice and head
back.”

“Yeah, let’s.”

We walked our bikes in the direction the
ranger suggested and sure enough found ourselves on the main
trail.  We were near the bridge where I convinced Charlie to
take me biking for the first time.  We both looked at one
another remembering the moment.

“So this is where it all started,” he
gestured to the bridge, “and this is where it got me,” Charlie
motioned to himself; his soaking clothes and muddy bike.

We walked for a little while hoping we would
dry off some so we wouldn’t be slipping around on our saddles while
we rode.  He had his bike to the left and I had mine to my
right so there was nothing in between us as we walked up the
corkscrew hill I first saw him and Zach charging down.  I felt
good, really good, for the first time in ages.  I didn’t say
anything but I took Charlie’s hand and gave him an appreciative
grin.

Margaret immediately sensed the change in my
demeanor when we got home.  She looked from me to Charlie and
back again as she listened to us tell the tale of our ill-fated
bike ride.  Charlie embellished quite a bit and made me sound
as though I belonged on the pro circuit, which, of course, was an
utter falsehood.  Our enthusiasm was infectious and Margaret
was smiling and laughing along with us and Kaley seemed to wonder
what she missed as she trotted back and forth from me to Charlie to
Margaret.