Scattering Like Light (7 page)

“You already said that several times,” said Max gently, lifting my face to look at him. Passion burned in his velvety-brown eyes and I gasped. As I did, he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine. He was gentle and warm, and his lips tasted slightly salty. I couldn’t help kissing him back for the briefest of seconds before I came to my senses. I pushed him away, as firmly as I could. He lifted his head and looked at me with a rueful smile.

“I’m sorry, Max, but this isn’t what I want.”

“Are you sure? I could have sworn—”

“I’m absolutely sure. You’re a great guy, Max, and under other circumstances, well, things might be different, but I’m not free.”

“Callum’s a long way away right now. Can’t I lead you astray a tiny bit before we have to get back on that plane tomorrow?” His words were serious but there was a friendly twinkle in his eye.

I smiled up at him. “It is hugely tempting, of course, but I’m a one-guy girl. That’s just how it is.”

He pulled me into another hug, but this one was more like a bear hug. “Dammit! You girls! What are you like?”

“Loyal, that’s what we’re like, you cheeky beggar.” I squeezed him back and dropped my arms. He quickly did the same and we didn’t look at each other as we stepped back. “So shall we get those drinks then? The others will be wondering where we’ve got to.”

“I guess,” he agreed, and we continued down the beach. I tried to make light conversation, but all the while I was fighting the wave of guilt and shame that was threatening to overwhelm me. I couldn’t believe that I had kissed him back, not when I loved Callum so completely. And I did love Callum, didn’t I?

We were all leaving the following morning, flying into Heathrow but from different airports. Max and Sabrina’s dad had been very smug that the flights they had got from Seville were half the price of those we had from Malaga. But they had to leave long before us and I heaved an inward sigh of relief as I finally said goodbye to Sabrina and Max in the hotel lobby. He gave me a quick peck on both cheeks but said nothing, and I smiled as brightly as possible and rambled on about how great it had been and that it would be lovely to see them all again before next year.

I watched as they walked to their car, still not quite understanding why the sight of him leaving made me feel so dreadful when Callum would be waiting for me in just a few hours’ time. However hard I tried my mind kept wandering to and fro between the dark-haired, solid, available Max and the blond, ethereal, trapped Callum.

The flight seemed interminable but we actually landed at Heathrow slightly ahead of time. As the plane finally rolled to a stop at the gate and all the passengers started to stand up, I called Callum’s name quietly. Within minutes the familiar tingle was back and I realised I was choked with emotion, just knowing he was there.

“Hi, gorgeous, you’re back early.” His familiar tones filled me with longing and I felt more than a little twinge of guilt for the
time I hadn’t spent thinking about him.

“Hi, I’m sorry, it’s difficult to talk now, but I wanted you to know I was back. I’ll call you as soon as I can, OK?” I whispered as clearly but as quietly as I could, but it wasn’t quietly enough to avoid Mum.

“What did you say, Alex? What’s in the back?”

“Nothing, Mum, really. I was just muttering to myself, that’s all.”

She huffed a little, but didn’t quiz me further, which was as well. I so wanted to see Callum, to reassure myself that he was as kind, thoughtful, perfect and, well, beautiful as I remembered. But every time I thought about him, the memory of kissing Max leapt into my mind. I kept shoving it away but it was persistent, and the more it happened, the guiltier I felt. I was really glad that wearing the amulet meant I didn’t have an aura: mine would be sure to give away the turmoil of emotions in my head.

We waited for ages at immigration and everyone was getting quite tetchy by the time we finally made it through to the baggage reclaim area. There was the usual scramble for trolleys, then the jostling for position around the luggage carousels. There was no sign of any of the bags despite the fact we’d been stuck in the passport queue for ages. I took a quick look around; there were plenty of places where I could pretend to make a call and speak to Callum. I edged away from the others on the pretence of going to the ladies’, fixing in my earpiece as I went. “Callum, I’ve got a few minutes before the bags arrive. Are you here?”

I had just reached a pillar to hide behind and was anticipating the tingle in my wrist at any second, so the gentle touch on my other arm made me jump. I spun around.

“Alex! Oh, I’m sorry, are you on the phone?”

In my surprise I forgot to lie. “Max? No, not right now. What are you doing here?”

“Our flight got delayed,” he said. “So much for Dad’s bargain-bucket tickets, eh? Anyway, I’m glad it did. It’s given me the chance to say something I meant to say earlier, but chickened out.”

I looked up into his smiling, nervous face. As I did, I felt the tingle in my wrist. I couldn’t believe it – this couldn’t be happening, not here! Callum was right there, listening to every word of this conversation, and whatever Max was about to tell me, I was sure Callum wasn’t going to like it.

“Nothing to be said, really,” I tried to say in an offhand but friendly manner, not wanting to hurt Max either, and desperately trying to think of a way out of the situation. But my mind had gone blank. The tingle remained in my wrist.

“No, it does need to be said.” Max reached up and briefly stroked my face. “I had a wonderful holiday, and that was down to you, and especially our fabulous days on the beach. I’m not going to forget kissing you in a hurry. You’re a great girl, Alex, and your Venezuelan boyfriend ought to get over here before someone else decides to try their luck.” He bent down and kissed me on the cheek. “Who knows? Maybe it’ll be me,” he whispered.

I could feel the blood rushing to my face as he ran his hand down my arm before turning to leave. It was only then that I realised the tingle had disappeared too.

“Callum?” I whispered frantically. “Where have you gone?”

There was only silence.

I spent the rest of the journey home in a daze, refusing to get drawn into conversation. Pretty quickly my family gave up trying, instead talking and laughing among themselves about the holiday. I stared
out of the window of the minicab, replaying the conversation in my mind. Had Callum heard everything? As there was no sign of him I had to assume the worst.

I tried hard not to think of Max, not to dwell on the way he had stroked my cheek or what he had whispered in my ear.

Once we were back at home it was difficult to get away to call Callum again. There was a small mountain of post on the front doormat, and even after a fortnight the place had a musty, unused air. I took my bag upstairs and looked hopefully in my mirror, but there was no sign of him behind me. I
had
to find somewhere quiet to call him, to get this sorted out. I just had to. I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, jumped off my bed and ran downstairs.

“Mum, do we need some milk?”

Mum looked up at me in surprise. “Well, yes, I guess we do. Are you OK, Alex? You’ve been very quiet.”

“I … umm … I was feeling a bit carsick, that’s all. I fancy a cuppa now, with proper British milk. I’ll nip up to the shop and get some.” Before she could say anything else I scooped up my bag and was through the door. I hastily shoved the earpiece back in my ear and pulled the little mirror out of my pocket.

“Callum? Are you there? Please, I need to talk to you!”

I was walking quickly, but not so quickly that he wouldn’t be able to keep up, and still there was nothing. As soon as I reached the children’s playground I grabbed the nearest bench. Sitting down I could use the mirror to scan around. There was no sign of him.

“Callum! Please come and talk to me. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick, honestly! Won’t you let me explain?”

I waited for a moment but there was no tingle in my arm.
I knew that he could hear me, wherever he was, and I was getting desperate.

“Look, at least hear me out, then if you want to go, I’ll understand.” I couldn’t believe that I was actually saying those words. “But listen to me first, please?”

Looking around in the mirror I suddenly jumped. Callum was standing right behind me, but his hood was obscuring his face. He made no move to connect our amulets.

“I don’t know how much you heard but you have to believe me when I say nothing happened. That’s the honest truth!” There was still no tingle so I tried again. “OK, let me go through the whole thing. Max is a family friend, more a friend of Josh’s really, and our families met up out in Spain. So we spent a bit of time together,
as friends
. I know that he would’ve liked more than that, but I didn’t encourage him, I promise. He knows that I have a boyfriend, but he thinks you live in Venezuela, so that’s what he meant about how you ought to get here soon.” I put the mirror down and held out my wrist. “I love you, Callum. I’ve missed you desperately. Please come here?”

I sat in silence for a moment, holding my breath. What would I do if he just left, if I never saw him again? I’d already felt the pain of losing him, and I absolutely couldn’t stand to go through that again.

After a couple of agonising seconds there was a familiar tingle in my wrist and I exhaled in relief. “Thank you,” I whispered. “It was all a horrible mistake, I promise.”

“Are you sure, Alex?” Callum’s voice was gruff. “I saw the look in that guy’s eyes. He didn’t think it was a mistake.”

“I can’t help what he thinks. All I can promise is that I didn’t encourage him, and that he knows I’m yours.” There was a
grunt and then a brief silence. I still didn’t dare lift the mirror to look at him. I didn’t want to see the anger on his face, anger that I had caused. “Twice I’ve thought I’ve lost you, Callum. Don’t you remember? Don’t do this to me again. I couldn’t bear it.”

I was suddenly aware of a gentle pressure on my cheek; the lightest of touches, as if I was being stroked by a feather. “I couldn’t bear it either,” he said in a voice so full of pain it made me flinch. He wasn’t angry, but I’d hurt him badly. I slowly lifted the mirror and he came into view behind me. His handsome face was etched in misery, reminding me of the time I had seen him in the crypt of St Paul’s, directly under the dome.

“Please believe me: Max means nothing. Nothing! I’ve been desperate to see you and talk to you again.” I lifted my hand to find his cheek, feeling only the subtle resistance in the air, but watching my fingers in the mirror trace a line down to his jaw. His head lifted slightly and his hooded eyes met mine.

“I couldn’t blame you, you know. I mean, I’m not much use to you like this, am I?” There was a sudden and bitter twist to his words.

“We’ve been over this before,” I said as patiently as I could. “I don’t care. The entire line-up from my favourite band could stand there begging to go out with me, but I wouldn’t be interested. I love
you
, Callum. You, and only you.”

“I know that, but it can’t last, can it? I mean, be honest. We can’t go on having a relationship like this, not being able to see each other properly, or hold each other!”

“Why not? I know that being like this,” I waved my hand around to demonstrate my point, “isn’t ideal, but we have the Golden Gallery! You’re as real to me there as anyone else on the planet!” I paused to catch my breath, getting angrier as I thought
about his words. “And anyway, what do you know about what I want?”

“I know what you
think
you want, but in a year’s time? Two? Three? When you want to have kids? What then?”

“I’m only seventeen, for goodness’ sake! I’m not worrying about all that stuff!”

“Exactly.” His voice was suddenly low. “You’re only seventeen. You should be out with Grace and Jack and all your other friends, introducing them to your new boyfriend, Max.”

“Oh pleeease,” I muttered, more to myself than to him. “I can’t win, can I? You’ve decided that you’re no good for me. Are you leaving now? Is this it?”

“Stop it, Alex. Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Me?” I screeched at him. “Me? It’s you who’s got the wrong end of the stick. We can make this work!”

“Really? How exactly? Are we going to live happily ever after? Have you found someone willing to die so that I can stop being a Dirge, is that it?”

“Of course not!”

“So how can we make it work then? You don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

“Oh yes, I do! I can bring you over now – any time I want.”

There was a sudden silence as we both realised what I had said, and I felt my mouth drop open in surprise.

“What?” asked Callum softly. “Explain to me, Alex. What do you mean?”

I looked up at him meekly. “I’m sorry, I wanted to be sure before I told you. I didn’t want to get your hopes up.”

“Sure about
what
?”

I took a deep breath and looked at his beautiful, tortured
face. I was suddenly aware of the birds twittering in the late afternoon sunshine in the deserted park. Everything was so normal, so ordinary, but what I had to say was anything but. I looked into his deep blue eyes, willing him to believe me.