Secrets Of The Heart (Book 1, The Heart Series) (16 page)

Something inside him twisted at the hurt lacing her words. He sighed heavily, admitting, “That did cross my mind.”

She hissed as if injured. His middle clenched in agony, but he had to be straight with her; that’s the only way he thought she’d open up to him.

For long, drawn out moments he surveyed her attire. Her denim skirt revealed her shapely legs and he recalled touching her there.
So silky.

His heart skipped a beat. And the simple pink T-shirt she wore showed off her ample cleavage. He blew out a hot breath. But the one thing he focused on turned the flare of desire to something else entirely.

She’s wearing my locket. Maybe there’s still hope left after all
.

“Were you?” he asked softly, praying she’d say she wasn’t trying to deceive him.

She jerked her head up, for the first time meeting his gaze. The tell-tale teary blue of her eyes sucked the wind from his sails. Dark circles lined the bottoms, proving she’d slept as little as he did.

Her paper-white skin lent credence to the strain he’d put her under. He winced, mentally kicking himself for the harm he’d inflicted.

“You’d believe me? However I answered?”

“All I want is the truth.” Hesitantly, he raised his hand to her, stroking a knuckle down her smooth cheek. Nick longed to take her in his arms and get lost in her comforting embrace, to blot out the ever present pain and welcome her acceptance of him.

“I swear, Nick, I wasn’t even thinking along those lines. I just wanted to be close to you.” Her voice broke, but she pressed on. “When you’re near me I can’t seem to think straight. And when we kiss, well, it’s even worse.” Pink crept up her neck and flooded her cheeks.

He frowned, but a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Worse?”

She chuckled, lightly jabbing him in the stomach. “You know what I mean.”

He grabbed her fist before she could withdraw completely. Uncurling her fingers slowly, he flattened her palm against his chest, knowing she’d detect his hammering heart. “And how about when you touch me?”

Her tiny gasp sent tingles skipping through his blood and joy surging in his soul. “Yeah, me, too,” he whispered hoarsely.

Yanking back her hand as if it were on fire, Bree rubbed her palm. “The timing is off, so I doubt if there’s any need for you to worry about a…baby.” A little chunk of his heart tore off at the catch in her voice. “Well, I should be going to town.” He heard the forced determination in her tone. “We’ve been here a week and I haven’t even called once about my beauty shop. I promised to check in with Jewel and Tessa long before now.”

“And you want to try and hurry so you’ll be back before Sydney wakes up, right? I did read your note.”

She fidgeted with her hair and shot him a half smile. “I’m not good at this, Nick.”

“What, driving? I know you’ve got a lead foot,” he teased her. He read volumes in the glare she sent him from under her lashes: Don’t start with me on that again.

“Not that. Us. The morning after, isn’t that what people call it?”

A tightness constricted around his chest, squeezing. “Hell, I don’t even do
right
after well, what makes you think I can do this at all.” Silence blanketed him, heavy and suffocating.

Tentatively, he closed the small gap between them. Framing her delicate face with his palms, he tilted her chin upward so now he locked gazes with her. “Bree, I’m sorry I hurt you. If I could, I’d drag it back. But I can’t, so I’m asking for your forgiveness.” He ran a thumb over her lips as they parted. “Wait, I need to finish while I’ve still got the courage—”

“But you’re the most courageous person I know.”

His heart hitched. He dropped a light kiss on her forehead, her silky bangs brushing his lips. “Ah, sweetness, you see me like no one else does.”

“I see you as you really are, someone you think you lost a year and a half ago. But you didn’t, you know. You’ve done your damnest to bury him right along with Vinnie, but you can’t because that good guy keeps shining through, in spite of your best efforts.”

Awe snatched the breath from his lungs
. How did she know so much?
He squeezed his eyes shut, like a drowning man holding onto the fragile lifeline she threw him. Opening his eyes, he searched her face. “I don’t know if I can live up to all your expectations, honey.”

“I only want you to be who you are, Nick, no one else.”

“I’ve let you down so much already. And it doesn’t look like there’s an end in sight. Last night is the perfect reminder. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I never really did in the first place. But I guess I’ve been doing it unintentionally for so long that it seems almost second nature to me now.” He paused for a moment, measuring his words. “It’s just not
you
I can’t trust, it’s…everyone.”

Dawning entered her expressive eyes. “Especially yourself, right? You can’t trust your own judgment, about God, about life, about me. And you hate yourself for it,” she whispered softly.

A hollow ache behind his chest throbbed. Swallowing hard, he washed away the lump in his throat. He pulled away from her, and then dragged his hands through his hair. He choked out, “Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“No.” She shook her head and grabbed at his arms, lowering them to his sides. “We all fight the demon attacks in our own way, Nick. You’ve just turned yours inward…and at me.”

He watched hurt flash in the depths of her eyes and a corresponding pain ripped through his gut. “I wish it were different, I wish
I
were different. Lord, I’m surprised you even wanted to marry me, knowing half the stuff you did about me.”

She averted her face and hugged herself tightly. “It was the best choice for Sydney.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “And what about you?” Holding his breath, he waited for her response.

She took her time in answering. “I get all the fringe benefits.”

He smiled tightly; it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear. “And are they worth it?”

Taking a step backward, she bumped up against the SUV. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know what I’m asking.” He sighed heavily. “We both know I’m not exactly the best husband—”

“For me you are.”

Startled at her hasty, candid response, he stilled. She dropped her gaze to the ground and scuffed a sandaled foot in the dirt.

“Does that mean you forgive me for last night?” he asked softly, afraid she’d answer in the negative.

If it were possible Nick swore her chin sank deeper into her chest. He glanced at her bowed head, the sun lighting the beautiful blonde hair to an even brighter shade of spun gold. An ache shot through him at her remoteness, at the protective barrier she once again erected between them.

Please, don’t lie to me, he prayed.

When she remained silent, Nick pressed on, hoping to repair some of the damage he’d inflicted. “I could make a whole list of excuses for pinning the blame on you last night for not making sure about birth control. I won’t. We’re supposed to be a team now, a family… Hell, I even brought a box of condoms along.”

Bree jerked her head up, meeting Nick’s dark stare. The self-recriminations he privately heaped on himself were written all over his features. “What?”

He winced and dragged a hand over his face, and then through his hair. Twin flags of red dotted his cheeks. “That’s right, I got so carried away I forgot.”

Stunned wonder rained down on Bree. The tight ball of anxiety resting in her middle shifted, and then melted away.
He’d said the same thing I’d heard after the only other time I’d ever made love, the night Sydney was conceived. Now, he regretted his part in the lack of birth control and putting her at risk, while Sydney’s father hadn’t one bit
.

Thinking quickly to cover the awkwardness, Bree said the first thing that popped into her dazed mind, “Is that a compliment or a complaint, Carletti?”

He shot her a devilish smile. “Guess.”

Her heart tripped over itself, thundering wildly in her chest. Tiny thrills danced down her spine, leaving a tingling sensation in its place. Breathing in deeply, she detected his wonderful male scent. His bare torso drew her attention and she longed to trail her fingertips over the soft, springy dusting of hair that arrowed below his waistband.

Licking her suddenly dry lips, she swore she tasted his tangy flesh. Fire leapt in Nick’s dark eyes, sending a surge of desire, so fierce and so strong, straight to her core.

“Nick.”

“Bree.” He stepped nearer.

Bree closed her eyes, savoring his body heat. The cool metal of his truck ran the length of her back, yet it did nothing to extinguish the fire within.

Nick feathered kisses across her temple. The wave of desire growing inside her expanded to a need bigger than she ever realized before. She longed for a little piece of heaven back when Nick cherished her with every gentle kiss, every heated breath, and every delicate touch.

He offered her physical pleasure, but she yearned for his special brand of caring, that unique combination of tenderness and concern that only he could deliver to her hungry soul.

The ache swamping her heart was for the emptiness that plagued her life. Bree lived the lonely existence of a woman who had too much to hide, too much to protect.
Sydney.

“Before we start something we can’t finish, sweetness, we need to settle things between us, make peace.”

“I know. But…” She bit her lip, knowing her complete honesty would create a wide chasm between them that she knew she needed yet did not want any longer.

“Please, tell me.” His voice sounded rough with emotion.

She drew in a sharp, painful breath. “You hurt me, your words, and your assumptions.”

He moaned as if he too was in pain. Rubbing his cheek against her hair, he said, “The moment I said it I realized how much words can wound a person, how much I hurt you.”

Bracing herself for the coming withdrawal, Bree nudged him, pushing Nick away, shoving aside the potent temptation for her daughter’s sake.

When he stepped back, she nearly crumbled at what she saw. There was a vulnerability in Nick’s eyes she had never witnessed before. Cold stark clarity hit her. He craved the same emotional connection that she did.

Putting Sydney first, Bree looked away from the magnetic plea. She’d allow him his pardon plus a whole lot more. “Apology accepted, Nick.”

“Thank you, Bree.”

She tried to blot out his earnest response and create the required distance between them. Self-disgust filled her for having to do what was necessary. A mother would do anything to protect her child, including driving a wedge between herself and the man she was unmistakably falling for.

“But, you need to know, Nick, your honesty is cutting at times and your total lack of trust is wounding. You refuse to see who I really am now.”

He remained silent. Deep grooves etched on either side of his mouth spoke the words of regret he surely felt.

She sucked in a breath, preparing herself for the outcome of what she’d say next; she’d issue the one ultimatum that Nick would never be able to grant her. “Until you can do that and learn to trust me, then there’s really not much hope for us at all.”
There never was, was there? Not with Sydney’s life at stake.

With that said, Bree turned blindly to the truck, yanked open the door, and then climbed in. He placed a staying hand on her as she tried to slam the door shut. Bree looked at his big, long-fingered hand curled around her wrist, felt the band of heat circling her flesh. One half of her longed to pull away and break all contact. But the other half, the weaker half, won, so she remained captured in the alluring touch of her husband.

“I deserved that.”

She chanced a glance at his face. Wincing inwardly, Bree berated herself for the pained expression clouding his strong features. “Yes, you did, but I could have delivered it a little less harshly.”

“Why? Have I ever done the same to you?” He didn’t wait for a reply. Dragging the shoulder harness across her and clicking it into place, he said gruffly, “Drive careful.”

A few minutes later as Bree drove out of the yard, she peeked in the rearview mirror. Nick, dejected and forlorn, watched her leave with his hands jammed into his front pockets.

Her heart clenched. At this moment, Bree realized what Nick had endured with his son. Any loving parent would have done the same. The choice was simple. A child always came before a parent’s own happiness, above their growing feelings for the man she married or the woman your son had wed. For the first time, Bree truly understood Nick’s dilemma; now it was her own.

She knew the closer she allowed herself to get to Nicholas Carletti the more she had to lose.

First your heart, next your common sense, after that your secret, and then your little girl.

“I can’t let that happen.”

Depositing change in the old pay phone in front of the only grocery store in town, Bree registered the clanking of each coin as it dropped down the metal slot. She grimaced at her pale, ghastly reflection in the mirrored surface as two shrill rings peeled in the receiver before a loud click sounded.

“Curl up and Dye, may I help you?”

Bree swore it was one of her new business partners speaking in her sugary sweet telephone voice, but the name of the business didn’t match theirs at all. “Tessa, is that you?”

A loud shriek pierced Bree’s ear drum. “Bree! It’s so good to hear your voice. We were just talking about you. How’s the hunky hubby of yours doing? And how’s my little dancer—”

“Wait a minute, Tessa, I need to switch ears since you just ruined the hearing in my left one.” Making the quick adjustment, Bree leaned against the brick building and asked, “What’s with this name you’re using? I thought we’d make a final decision on a new one for the beauty shop once I got back.”

“We are. I’m just trying it out, that’s all. Isn’t it cute? It was on one of those old police shows my granny loves to watch.”

Bree rolled her eyes, wishing Tessa could see her. “Yeah, real cute.” Focusing on the big yellow banner in the large window announcing this week’s special, Bree bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stop herself from laughing as she delivered the next line. “But we might get mistaken for a funeral parlor.”