Read Sexy and Funny, Hilarious Erotic Romance Bundle Online

Authors: Mimi Strong

Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #Collections & Anthologies, #General, #Contemporary, #Erotica

Sexy and Funny, Hilarious Erotic Romance Bundle (44 page)

“Enjoy it while you can. These hot springs open up and can disappear after earthquakes. They’re not forever.”

“Nothing is forever,” I said.

He pulled me back into his arms, locking his hands together against my lower back.

“Stardust is forever,” he said. “The form changes, that’s all.”

I gazed up into his gentle green eyes. “Don’t talk like that. You make me feel serious, and I don’t like being serious.”

He took a gasp of breath and submerged, his dark hair disappearing under the water. Strong hands grabbed my legs and pulled them apart, and an instant later, his mouth was on me, deep below the water line. As his tongue darted between my twin pillows of flesh, a plume of bubbles rose from below, tickling as they fought their way up and between my breasts.

He rose for a quick breath and disappeared again. Tongue and fingers and bubbles. Tongue. Fingers. Bubbles.

When he came up for air again, he was surprised to find me gasping as well.

“That feels crazy good,” I said, then I took a deep breath and went down myself. I’ve always been comfortable in water, though I would never have done something like this in a real hot tub, not with all the chlorine in the water.

This natural spring, though, was heaven. My eyes didn’t sting at all when I opened them to get my bearings.

I found the sea cucumber, no problem, but sucking it while holding my breath was a challenge. I could do the task, somewhat, but suspected by the degree of
bonership
that I wasn’t doing a great job.

Surfacing, I sputtered, “Lemme try again.”

He kissed me tenderly, then hopped up out of the water and took a seat at the edge of the pool, his legs still in the water from the lower knee down.

“Look at you bobbing around. You’re a true mermaid,” he said. “I’ve always wanted to know the pleasure of a mermaid.”

I rolled back on the water, taking a deep breath for buoyancy and floating on my back for him. He grabbed my hand as I swirled by and tugged me toward him.

Upright again with my toes on the stony floor, I waded toward him and nestled between his legs.

He gazed down with a big grin as I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed the tops of his buttocks. His sea cucumber filled up quickly, straining to reach my lips. With a nod down, I had the head in my mouth, and I pulsed down on the shaft with a quick swirl of my tongue.

On the third bob, he caught my head in his hands.

“Slow down,” he said, panting. “Not so fast, baby.”

I pulled away, apologizing.

He caught me under the chin with his fingers and tilted my head up to face his. With the sun high overhead and nothing but trees above him, he was so beautiful, he took my breath away.

“No need to apologize,” he said. “I’m the one who can’t control himself when I’m around you. Your mouth feels so good. So does your pussy. I’m addicted to all your pink bits.”

I covered my face with one hand, feeling shy.

He laughed. “It’s just you and me and the trees. Let’s enjoy ourselves.”

Nodding, I moved back into position and gently took him into my mouth, slower this time.

I sensed his body shift, as he leaned back with weight on his hands behind him, just enough to lift his hips toward me.

“Mmm,” he moaned. “I’m being blown by a beautiful mermaid. I should talk to the writers about doing something like this for Drake.”

I pulled away, making a lollipop-pop sound with my lips. “What?”

“Well, not for this movie, but for my TV series. We have so many supernatural creatures involved in the season arcs already—werewolves, succubi, and of course, vampires. Why not mermaids? It’s fresh, original, and… what are you doing? Why’d you stop?”

“You can’t tell the writers about this.”

“I can’t tell them about the ethereal creature who seduced me with her eyes the moment we met? How she jumped into my arms and made me feel like a hero?” He reached down and adjusted his sack, grimacing. “How she gave me a tragic case of blue balls?”

I floated back on the water, feeling the warmth of the dappled sun on my front and the hot water at my back.

Closing my eyes, I said, “This moment is private. Don’t talk about me. I don’t like being talked about.”

“Then you shouldn’t have an actor as a boyfriend.”

I went tense and started to sink. Boyfriend?

Upright again, my toes on the stone bottom, I squinted up at Dalton’s perfect face. “You’re my boyfriend?”

He shrugged, his face neutral and unreadable. “Unless you want me to be your vampire lover. Do you want me to be Drake for you?”

I gave him side-eye.

With grit in his voice, he said, “Petra! I command you to come to me, at once.”

My brain did a little double-hop of confusion, because he’d changed. Dalton Deangelo was gone, and Drake Cheshire sat naked at the edge of the hot spring. His erect cock took on a menacing gleam.

My breathing sped up, and I could feel my pussy swelling with excitement. Oh, fuck. Drake Cheshire. Oh, fuck me three times and don’t call me in the morning, I was about to blow the world’s hottest vampire.

“Come here, now,” he commanded. “This cock isn’t going to suck itself, so put your pretty lips around it and blow.”

“Blow it yourself! Nobody talks to me like that.”

Still staring intensely at me, he held out one arm and beckoned me to him with a finger. I’d seen him—Drake, the vampire—do this to his girls. He could be sweet at times, but he still had that evil vampire side. That beckoning gesture made me yell at the TV screen, but it also made me put my hand down my pants. So conflicting.

Still playing Drake, he said, “Come here and do as you’re told.”

I paddled my way to him, still feeling conflicted. And very swollen.

With a subservient whimper, I nudged my way between his legs.

“Lick it.”

I ran my tongue along the midline of his cock, from the balls to the gleaming bead on the tip.

“Good girl,” he said, his tone still stern. “I will allow you to suck my supernaturally hard vampire cock, but only if you sound grateful. Can you sound grateful?”

My whimper turned into a moan, and I took a full mouth and throat full of his engorged yumminess, around the most grateful sounds I could manage.

His manhood really was hard, too—nearly as hard as the stone under my toes. The more I moaned about how grateful I was, the more I felt grateful. My pussy was roaring for attention, so I slipped one hand down in the warm water, but he grabbed my arm and pulled it back up.

“Bad girl,” he said. “Don’t you lose focus on me by pleasuring yourself.”

“I’m a bad girl,” I sputtered around his meat flute.

“Yes, you are. You’re a trespasser, and an exhibitionist. Suck a little harder. Mmm, that’s good. Slower. Yes, I need this. Oh, Petra, I needed you so bad, and I didn’t even know.”

Was he still playing Drake, or was this Dalton?

I didn’t know, and I didn’t care.

Something buzzed nearby. Just one loud pulse. I paused, but not for long, because he was thick and urgent, ready to blow.

The buzz happened again.

“Damn it!” he said. “What the hell is that?”

I pulled my mouth away, blinking and looking around. The spell was broken. We were no longer a sexy vampire and a slutty mermaid, but two trespassers, naked and engaged in a sex act on private property.

The buzz sound happened a third time, and then speakers crackled to life with what seemed to be a pre-recorded message: “Attention trespassers. Motion sensors have detected unauthorized activity. A security team is on its way to this site. Please vacate the premises immediately.”

Dalton was already pulling his legs out of the hot spring and getting to his feet.

“Come on, let’s run,” he said.

I splashed over to the side with the rock steps and climbed out, feeling very big and conspicuous. Motion sensors? Holy fuck, were there cameras out here?

I reached my clothes and started looking for my underwear.

The recording was repeating itself, “… security team is on its way to this site. Please vacate the premises immediately.”

Dalton grabbed my clothes and bundled them in his arms along with his clothes. He’d slipped on his shoes, but not tied the laces. He nodded down at my shoes, for me to do the same.

“But I can’t get my pants on over my shoes!”

“No time,” he said. “Shoes, and then we run.”

“Shitfuckshitfuckshitballs!”

By some miracle, I got my wet, sandy feet into my sneakers, and then the two of us were off and running through the forest trail. Fucking naked.

“Faster,” he urged.

My boobs were flying everywhere, threatening to knock me out, so I clamped down on them with folded arms.

As we ran through the bushes, with evil whipping branches whacking me on all my sensitive areas, I continued my panicked refrain of every swear word I knew, mashed together.

Dalton interrupted, saying, “Just breathe. Swearing doesn’t make you run faster, but breathing does.”

I wanted to punch him in the face so bad.

Instead, I wheezed out, “Motion sensors? Why? How? Who? Why?”

“They’re probably bluffing. I bet there’s no security team coming, just—”

Over the sounds of our footfalls was another noise. A dog barking, and a man yelling excitedly. Then, what sounded like a gunshot.

I began swearing again, because contrary to what Dalton said, it
did
make me run faster.

“Shortcut,” he panted, and hauled me sharply to the side, off the very rough trail and onto what wasn’t even a trail at all.

Now the tree branches and bushes really started slapping my bare flesh. I guess some people are into that sort of thing, and it certainly was exhilarating, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I was moving fast, but soon my lungs were on fire, so that slowed me down.

“We’re almost there,” Dalton panted.

I stopped and leaned against a tree to catch my breath. “Go on. Save yourself. Leave me here. I’ll take the rap for both of us.”

“I could carry you?”

He was strong and probably could, but how far? The horror of him attempting to do that prompted me to get moving again, my arms still acting as the worst sports bra ever.

We trudged on, still fucking naked, the barking dog still behind us.

Was that a glint of metal up ahead?

Never before have I been so happy to see a car as when we emerged from the bushes and found the black car waiting for us.

We yanked the doors open and jumped into the seats, our naked, damp bodies making rude noises on the leather.

Dalton started the car and began doing a ten-point turn to get us headed in the right direction. Just as we took off down the trail again, he turned to me, his eyes wide, and started howling with laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

We bounced up and down as the car dove over bumps and ruts on the rough trail.

“Look at yourself,” he said.

I looked down at my body, surprised to find I wasn’t exactly as naked as I’d thought. I had a smattering of green leaves and flower petals all down the front of me. Dalton wore the same decoration, all down his chest and on his arms and legs.

“We have matching tattoos,” he said.

“Very funny.” I reached down to the floor, to where he’d tossed the ball of our clothes, and fished out my sweatshirt. I had a short coughing fit, from all the phlegm brought up by the running, and when that calmed down, I pulled on the sweatshirt.

“That was so worth it,” he said. “Remember when the deer came to say hello?”

He was clearly amused with the whole adventure, but I was not. I just wanted to get dropped off at home, where I could shower off the leaves, then get dressed and never be naked again.

We bumped along the rough trail in silence.

A few minutes later, he pulled the car out onto the access road, and it wasn’t long until we were outside the private property again.

I thought I’d be relieved, but I just felt more anxious.

When we got to the turnoff to head back into Beaverdale, he turned the car in the opposite direction.

“Next adventure,” he said.

“Seriously? No. How about you just take me home. I think we’ve had enough fun for one day.”

“You’re mad because I channelled Drake Cheshire for you.”

“No.”

“You’re mad because I made you go trespassing.”

“I’m not mad. Just tired.” We drove for a moment in silence, then I said, “I’m not really that out of shape. I go to the gym sometimes, and I walk absolutely everywhere, but I don’t do much cardio. Obviously.”

“Oh.” He nodded slowly, his gaze still on the road ahead.

“I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I think I’ve reached my limit. It’s time for me to get back to my regular life.” I looked down at my naked lower body. I was sitting in a car with no pants or underwear on. “This is
so
not my regular life.”

“Mine neither.” He reached over and squeezed my greenery-dotted bare leg right above my knee. “I think that’s why I feel happier than I’ve ever been. I’m alive, and it’s all because of you.”

I squirmed in my seat and turned to the window.

“Great, now you’re making me feel bad.”

He kept his hand on my leg.

“That wasn’t my intent,” he said. “Hey, have you ever noticed how much easier it is to tell secrets when you’re driving somewhere?”

“I guess.” I pinched my lips shut, unwilling to tell secrets.

After a moment, he said, “Why is that?”

I sighed. “I think the road makes you feel safe. The repeating pattern of movement. It’s like staring at a river, or a crackling fire.”

He pointed to a turnoff sign up ahead. “What’s that? Is it really a waterfall?”

“Dolphin Falls? It is a waterfall.”

“How about we go check it out? Two water features in one day? Like a double feature. Then I’ll take you home.”

“Sure.” I could feel myself falling under his spell again, willing to do anything Dalton Deangelo suggested. I didn’t want to fall, but even with my eyes wide open, it was unavoidable.

We turned off and drove along the access road until we got to the small parking lot. We were the only vehicle there, which didn’t surprise me, as it was around dinner time. The place was more popular at night, as a makeout spot.

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