“I’m not surprised.” He eased one hand free and framed the side of her face. “Your mom’s having a good time with this wedding.” The corners of his lips lifted some. “No question about that.”
“So it’s not the wedding?” If Brad was bothered, she wanted to know why.
He pulled her into his arms and ran his hand along the small of her back. “No. I promise.” When he eased back he kissed her forehead, and then rather than linger on her eyes, he took hold of her hand again and resumed their walk. He talked about Kotton Kids and a conversation he had with his dad, Carl, in North Carolina, and how he was looking forward to the honeymoon.
But he didn’t bring up the strange way he’d felt that day again.
Not until Laura was getting ready for bed did she realize he had never actually explained himself, never told her what was at the root of his feelings that day and why he’d felt strange. She remembered what he’d said during their walk, how she couldn’t keep a secret from him. She smiled at the truth of that statement. With Brad she was an open book, transparent in her feelings, the way she’d been from the beginning. But what about him?
An uncomfortable question bumped against her heart as she climbed into bed. Not that she had any reason to worry, but here was something she hadn’t thought about before. She couldn’t keep a secret from Brad, true. But for all their closeness and time together, for all their shared faith and dreams and the way she felt she knew everything about him, she wasn’t sure about this:
Could he keep a secret from her?
B
RAD TOOK THE DRIVE BACK TO
Manhattan more slowly than usual, getting through the Holland Tunnel without ever realizing he’d entered it in the first place. The night with Laura and her parents had been perfect. The weather, the dinner in her family’s backyard, the walk after. All of it. Their lives and the impending wedding belonged in a Disney fairy tale. How any guy managed to win over a girl like Laura James and wind up so integrally a part of her family was something only God could explain.
But there was a problem.
Brad turned off the radio and focused on the road ahead. He’d stuffed the truth every day since he met Laura, and always he’d told himself the same thing. She didn’t need to know. His past was long behind him, and like he reminded himself the last time he was back in Wilmington, he wasn’t the same person anymore. Every time his thoughts found their way back a decade, he came out of the process convinced that his past was locked in a dark closet at the backside of his heart, where it would stay. No reason to drag it out into daylight, kicking it and poking it to see if there was still enough life in it to impact his future.
Or his great love for Laura.
He needed to run. Living and working in the city didn’t allow him enough time to run outdoors the way he used to do when he lived near the Outer Banks, back when he was a Carolina beach boy with calloused feet and tanned arms. He would have to get on his treadmill and stare at the city lights. Run until the effort it took to draw a breath killed his ability to remember that far back.
It was the Kotton Kids campaign, that’s what was doing this. That and the date, of course. He gripped the steering wheel more tightly than before.
God … why is this happening? Why now? I made peace with You, didn’t I? Wasn’t that enough? Every mistake and misstep from the past doesn’t have to be public knowledge, right? Especially something so awful as … so awful as that.
There was no audible answer, nothing that rang across his soul.
Laura’s face filled his mind. She was perfect. He remembered seeing her for the first time. He’d been working for her dad nearly a year, and he’d missed the company Christmas party. When he showed up at the employee summer barbecue, Brad was saying his hellos to Randy and Rita James when he saw her across the lawn, a vision in a sleeveless white linen dress. Blonde hair and tan shoulders, but most of all, a smile that filled her face. He wandered over to Phyllis, the secretary who had been with the company almost since the beginning.
He made small talk for a few minutes, then he hesitated and nodded toward the place across the yard where Laura was talking with a group of people. “Who is she?”
“Her?” Phyllis smiled fondly. “Randy James’ daughter.”
Brad couldn’t take his eyes off the young woman. “What do you know about her?”
“She doesn’t date. She plays tennis and writes poetry and she visits sick kids at the children’s hospital. She’s more about God than guys.” Phyllis smiled in Laura’s direction. “She’s just what her daddy says. One-in-a-million.”
Somehow he could tell that about her. He thanked the secretary, and half an hour later he’d worked up the courage to position himself near her. Finally he stepped into her path and held up his hand, his heart slamming about in his chest. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this …”
Laura looked surprised. She stopped, the wind playing in her blonde hair. “You’ve been meaning to tell
me
something?”
“Yes.” Brad’s days as a cutup back at Wilmington High School helped him fight his fear. He kept a mock-serious look on his face, his tone confident. “Here’s the deal.” He cocked his head to one side and gave an innocent shrug of his shoulders. “I think we’re gonna be better off as friends.”
She took a moment to register what he said. Then she scrunched up her brow and managed a confused laugh. “Do I know you?”
“Not yet.” He did a few thoughtful nods of his head. “But you will. And when you do, I think we’ll be better off as friends.”
Her eyes were still narrowed, curious. “Why’s that?”
“Because, see,” he took a step closer and lowered his voice — as if he didn’t want anyone to hear the next part. “You’re not my type. I like brunettes.” Another shrug. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.” He grinned. “You know?”
She nodded slowly. “And when are we supposed to start this great friendship?”
“Today?” his expression lit up with possibility. “I work for your dad … this is the employee picnic.” He shrugged. “No better time.”
Laughter filled the space between them as they both gave way to the craziness of his request. “What’s your name?”
“Brad Cutler.”
“Hmmm.” Laura surveyed him, teasing. “I can’t believe it.”
“What?”
Humor shone in her eyes. “I’ve heard about you, but my dad never mentioned this.”
“Mentioned what?” His heart was beating more normally by then.
“That you were a struggling comedian.”
He laughed a little awkwardly at that. “Meaning you’ll be my friend?”
For a few seconds it looked like she might still say no, even after he’d done his best to charm her. But then she laughed again and agreed. “Who can’t use another friend?”
He found her a chilled bottle of water and challenged her to a game of horseshoes. She beat him, but only because he’d never been more distracted. They talked about their shared faith and their passion for charity work, their love for MercyMe’s music, and their dream of traveling the world. Time flew, and far too soon the party was wrapping up, the employees heading home.
Brad hadn’t wanted to leave, but it would’ve been awkward to stay. He shoved his hands in his pockets, searching for the right words. “You don’t … have a glass slipper, do you?”
“What?” She giggled. Clearly she was enjoying herself the same way he was. “Are you always this funny?”
“I’m serious.” He felt his smile let up. “I want to see you again.”
“My schedule’s pretty full.” Her eyes sparkled. “I’m not sure … I have volunteer work three days next week. The children’s hospital is moving its library.”
“I can help.” Suddenly the idea sounded better than dinner on the Hudson.
Laura laughed, but in the end she welcomed Brad’s help. He was at her side each of the three days she worked that week, showing up as soon as he got off work, and by the following weekend they’d found a connection neither of them was willing to walk away from. The whole time he thought about what Phyllis had said about Laura. That she loved God more than guys. He figured that was the way things should be. Loving God more.
He’d been raised that way — to love God above all else. The way he should’ve loved God all his life. After all, college had been about finding his way back to God, and by the time he met Laura he was ready for a relationship founded on faith. Brad felt challenged and convicted by Laura’s innocent beauty, determined that whether he could win her attention or not, he would be the guy his parents had raised him to be. His father, Carl Cutler, was that sort of godly man. Now it was Brad’s turn to follow him.
One night that first month, they met for coffee a few blocks from her father’s office. They found a table near the window where they laughed over lattes and life. She came from a wealthy socialite family, and her parents were as invested in charity work as they were in their faith.
“The two are inseparable,” Laura had told him that night. “Serving and loving God? One and the same.”
The more they talked, the more Brad knew for certain. He could never settle for being Laura’s friend. She was beautiful and bright, and an easy conversationalist. She told him about burning a pan of broccoli the past weekend and nearly catching her parents’ house on fire.
“I can’t imagine the guy who gets stuck with me.” She tilted her head back and laughed with a full heart. “I mean, seriously. I can’t cook at all.”
But Brad was thinking the opposite. How lucky any guy would be to win her over. They started slowly, and for the rest of the summer Brad reminded her often that he wasn’t interested. They attended church together, and by the time the holidays came that fall, Brad took her for a walk through Central Park. They stopped at the bridge and sat on one of the stone benches.
“I have a confession.” He looked into her eyes without wavering, without blinking. From the sound of his voice she would’ve thought he was admitting something deep and dark, for sure.
Her smile faded. “Whatever it is … you can tell me.”
“I know.” He swallowed hard and took her hands in his. “I lied to you, Laura. I can’t go on — not another day — without telling you the truth.”
By then they were spending nearly every day together, and twice he’d had dinner with she and her parents on their regular visits in from New Jersey. As friends went, they were inseparable. In that moment, though, Laura’s eyes clouded with concern, and her hands felt cooler than before. Her voice dropped a level. “Tell me.”
He kept his face serious, his tone dire. “I told you … I love brunettes … but I don’t.”
Like other times when he teased her, her reaction took a moment. But gradually her eyes took on a knowing look, and then the shine of laughter familiar between them. “Really? So, let me guess. Redheads, Brad? That what you’re looking for?”
“If that’s God’s will for my life, then yes. Hair color doesn’t matter.” He mustered up a pious look. “But the truth is … I’m crazy about blondes, Laura. Just crazy about’em.”
“So you’re not looking for a friend, is that it?” She was teasing him, playing along.
“At this point,” Brad looked at her with as much sincerity as he felt in his heart, “I’d be honored to be your friend. But you should know one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m in love with you, Laura James. Completely and totally in love.”
She blushed and laughed in response, changing the subject and spending the rest of the next few hours walking with him through the park. But the day was a turning point for both of them. A month later after dinner and another long walk, he took her back to her parents’ house and a few feet away from the front steps he put his hands tenderly on either side of her face. “Can I kiss you good night?” He didn’t want to push things, but he wanted her to know his intentions.
“I’ve only kissed one time,” she told him. “My high school boyfriend. But he wasn’t okay with just kissing. We broke up over it.” She looked intently at him. “What about you?”
Brad was genuinely nervous. He’d been this route before and he wasn’t proud of it. But he wasn’t the person he’d been in high school. “We don’t have to kiss.” He brushed his thumb against her soft cheek. “I don’t ever want you to feel forced. Staying away from all that means as much to me as it does to you. God won’t bless what we’ve started unless we put Him first.”
She paused, staring at him. “Really?”
“Yes.” He assumed she wasn’t ready for him to kiss her, and he was at peace with that. But as he reached for her fingers and started to lead her up the stairs, the look in her eyes changed. She gave a slight pull of his hand and he returned easily to his spot closer to her. “Then maybe you should kiss me good night,” she whispered.
Slowly and with the greatest restraint, Brad searched her eyes, making sure she was okay with what was about to happen. Then he moved gradually closer and for the sweetest few seconds he kissed her. When they pulled away, she said something that stayed with him still. “Who would’ve known you were just like me? About the whole physical thing?”
Pictures from the past lifted, fragmenting into so many red taillights ahead of him. Brad gritted his teeth and wished for a way back. He should’ve told her then, right then while the time was right. He hadn’t meant to, but clearly he’d given her the impression he was a virgin. From that night on, she talked to him as if his virtue was intact, as if he, too, had only ever kissed his high school girlfriend.
Over time he tried on occasion to broach the subject, come clean about choices he’d made his senior year of high school. But he was an entirely different person from the guy he was back then, changed and reformed. Besides, the subject never came up. He and Laura rarely talked about their physical relationship, or the lack of it. He kissed her once in a while, after a particularly great night out or at the end of a meaningful talk. Then, after he proposed to her, they both teased about looking forward to the honeymoon and how wonderful marriage would be. But his past remained buried in the very deepest basement of his soul and he never figured out a way to talk about it.
By now he had convinced himself that the mistakes he’d made nearly a decade ago couldn’t possibly have an impact on his life today. He didn’t remember who he was back then. Also, it wasn’t like he’d told Laura he’d been pure all his life. She must suspect that maybe his past wasn’t as pristine as hers, right? Either way, his senior year of high school was forever ago. Another lifetime. Like what happened that year happened to someone altogether different. The person he no longer knew or understood. The guy he used to be.