Authors: Deanna Eshler
Chapter 7
I get back to the house around eleven and find my roommates, plus two of our new neighbors, lying around the living room watching
Deadliest Catch
. Kade is the only one missing, which I am thankful for. I don’t have the patience to deal with him again.
After I change out of my smelly barn clothes, I go in search of lunch. I’m in the kitchen, washing my hands at the sink, when I hear “Hey, Filly Girl, how was the barn?”
“What did you just call me?” I reach for a towel and dry my hands as I turn to find Kade standing behind me.
Kade smiles as he leans against the wall. “Filly. I thought it was fitting. You know… you work with horses… a filly is a young female horse.” He pauses, his smile fading. “Okay, so you don’t like the name… yet. You’ll come around.”
What is wrong with this guy? “You are not calling me Filly. And where did you come from? You weren’t in the living room when I got home.” I know my level of irritation is unwarranted, but I can’t show him what I’m really feeling—an unexpected happiness to see him.
He shrugs. “Maybe I heard a car pull in and when I saw your truck in the drive, I decided to come see how your morning went.”
“It was horrible,” I snap. Closing my eyes, I take in a long breath. “That’s not true. My work with Tanner started out poorly, but then it actually ended surprisingly well.”
“Who’s Tanner?”
Trying to be nice, and have a normal conversation, I explain, “He’s a horse I’m working with for a family. He’s been abused so he has trust issues. He can be unsafe to handle, and no one has even tried to ride him yet.”
“Most animals are similar to humans in the way that we process trauma,” Kade says, surprising me. “We can overcome physical trauma easier than emotional trauma. So for example, if it had been a random stranger that abused the horse, his emotional recovery would be easier than if it had been his longtime owner.”
I stand staring at him, mouth hanging open and frying pan hanging from one hand. Not only does he know this, but he is able to recall it when needed. I can’t remember where I left my keys most days.
“So do you know?” Kade asks. He must see the lost expression on my face because he clarifies, “Do you know if it was an owner, or someone the horse had learned to trust?”
I shrug, setting the pan down. “We’re not sure.”
“Have you done any research on trauma—either for horses or humans?” he asks.
I turn away, placing the pan back on the stove. If he means have
I
experienced my own trauma at the hands of someone I trust, then yes… yes, I have done plenty of that research.
Feeling my irritation grow, I ask, “What do you want from me? I feel like I’ve made it clear that I don’t want anything from you, yet you keep showing up and asking questions.” I see him flinch at my tone, but I keep going. “I don’t need your help figuring out how to work with this horse.”
“Okay,” he says, nonchalantly, then he pushes off the wall, walks to the fridge, and looks inside. “What do you girls have for lunch?” He pulls something off the fridge. “Hey, look, a coupon for the Chinese restaurant. That looks like a great plan for lunch,” he says, trying to ease the tension. With a wink, he adds, “I’ll buy yours, Filly, since I’ve upset you.”
I blow out a loud breath and run my hands down my face. I want to choke him and laugh at him, so I do what I do best: I run. If he’s not going to, then I will. Kade Cross creates too many feelings with that smile, that voice, and the way he’s not intimidated by my harshness. He’s like Keegan in the sense that he doesn’t register the push, no matter how hard I shove.
“I’m going to go hang out with Ryder,” I say, hoping this push will be hard enough.
Kade furrows his brow, seeming confused. I’m sure he’s replaying our conversation from last night about Ryder just being my friend, and wondering if I was lying.
I see the moment Kade decides to not prod any further. His brow relaxes; he takes a long breath in, then nods. I just give him a quick, insincere smile, grab my keys, and walk back out the door. I know that was shitty, but my self-preservation has priority over his feelings.
As I drive the few minutes to Ryder’s house I think about my encounters with Kade since meeting him, just yesterday.
I have spent the last several years building walls to keep people out. I have mastered the art of minimizing risk in relationships. My roommates know I have demons, but they also learned to not ask questions.
Kade, however, is freakishly observant,
and
he has amazing eyes and an even better body. The fact that I even notice his body is a new experience for me, one that makes me very uncomfortable. My body has never reacted, physically, the way it does when I’m around Kade. The idea of allowing myself to explore those reactions is terrifying to me.
I just need to make special effort to avoid one-on-one interactions with him, and not think about how beautiful he is or how much he seems to be legitimately interested in me and my horses.
I pull into Ryder’s drive and turn off the car. I head to the back of the house and let myself in the back door, which opens into the kitchen. Ryder is standing at the coffee pot wearing nothing but his jeans.
Hearing the door, Ryder turns and instantly smiles. “Hey, you,” he says in a soft, deep tone. As I close the door behind me he crosses the room and wraps me in a warm embrace, then kisses the top of my head. “What brings you by?”
I have my arms around his waist so I drop them and step back. I shrug, trying not to show how stressed I am from my interactions with Kade. “I just needed some space.”
“Hmm, unrest in the new house already?” Ryder teases. “Coffee?” He is already getting two mugs down.
The chair makes a scratching sound on the floor as I pull it out. “Of course,” I answer unnecessarily. Ryder is well-versed in my coffee addiction. He fills my mug and adds a shit-ton of creamer. Just the way I like it.
“So, what’s going on?”
I sigh, then scrub my face with both my hands. I know to just get to the point since Ryder has a sixth sense with me. I take a deep breath, then begin, “Kade, one of my new housemates, was waiting on my tailgate this morning, wanting to go to the barn with me.” I can feel my heart picking up pace just talking about Kade. I try to put on a disgusted face but I’m sure I don’t pull it off.
Ryder lifts one eyebrow, then asks, “And?”
Really, Ryder is supposed to get these things, get my issues, without me having to explain. “And,” I huff out, “he was pushing to go with me, but I explained I don’t do the friendship thing. I mean, I know I have Keegan and Gemma now, but I don’t need more. I don’t want this guy talking to me and trying to spend time with me.” I toss my head back and look up to the ceiling so Ryder can’t read the lie in my eyes. After a few silent seconds pass I tilt my chin down to see his expression. He has stepped away from the fridge completely and is standing with his arms across his chest and his head tilted down.
“Shy, come on,” Ryder taunts. “Why the fuck do you lie to me? Lie to yourself if that’s what you need, but don’t lie to me.”
I stand and circle around the table to put some distance between us. I love Ryder, but I hate when he calls me out. “Fine, he’s really hot and seems super nice. The problem is, I don’t need a hot, nice, genuine guy mucking up my life. I’m perfectly happy in my misery.”
Ryder takes a seat back at the table, then motions to the seat I just vacated. I walk back around the table and sit, trying to release the tension that’s building. “You like him. There is nothing wrong with that,” he says.
“There
is
something wrong with that,” I argue. “I’m not normal. It’s been hard enough having friendships with all my secrets, but how can I even consider a guy… dating… or whatever.” I don’t know why I just said that. Date? I can’t date. I don’t want to date.
Ryder chuckles, enjoying my embarrassment. “Don’t jump ahead of yourself. Take it one day at time. If you want him to go to barn with you, let him. If he wants to talk, then talk. If he starts asking questions you don’t want to answer, tell him you’re not comfortable talking about that topic. If he’s a good guy he’ll respect that, and if not, then you get up and leave.”
I purse my lips and squint my eyes. “When did you get to be so smart, Ryder Reed?”
He smiles, then stands and pulls me into an embrace. He wraps both his arms around my shoulders and I take in another deep breath as I feel him do the same. “Now, take your ass back to your house and stop avoiding people who care about you.”
I hug him back, then shake my head. “I’m going to hang out here for a while. I just need some space for now. I’ll face them all later.”
Ryder agrees, so we spend the rest of the day watching TV and catching up.
Chapter 8
The next morning I get home from the barn around ten-thirty, ready for a nap. Tanner seems to have forgot about the progress we made yesterday, or I misinterpreted his gestures of friendship. When I tried to lead him to a pasture separate from his herd, he reared up, catching his leg in the gate. I let go of his lead line to minimize his risk of injury, and he was able to get free of the gate unharmed. I then tried to allow him to graze just outside the pasture where his herd mates were grazing, but he was still too anxious. By the time I left the barn, I was frustrated and exhausted.
My plans to slip off to my room for a nap are thwarted as soon as I set foot in our living room. Keegan and Gemma are watching TV, but when I open the door, I’m given their full attention.
“You missed a great night last night,” Keegan announces.
I pass through the living room, heading for my room. “You can tell me all about it later. I’m tired,” I tell them, just before I disappear around the corner. I’m searching my dresser for a pair of shorts when the girls let themselves into my room. I look over my shoulder and watch as Gemma crawls onto my bed and Keegan sits at my desk. I find the shorts and begin changing out of my jeans. I know I’m not going to get that nap until I listen to the saga that was their evening, so I might as well get comfy for story time. Once I’m changed, I sit on the bed next to Gemma, only I crawl under the sheets.
I look to Gemma to get her replay of the night, but first she asks, “So, what’s the deal with you and Kade?”
Um, what? I have no idea how I became the topic. “I thought you were going to tell me about last night. Why are you asking about Kade?”
Keegan answers for her. “Because you came up last night. Luke asked where you were and I gave him my speech on how he’s not good enough. When Kade realized who we were talking about, he perked up like a dog on the hunt. He then, nonchalantly, makes his way over to Luke where they proceed to discuss you. From what I could hear, Luke said he’s making a play and Kade agreed to back down.”
“They were discussing who is going to
make a play
at me?” I try to sound outraged to cover my embarrassment. I hate the idea that people were talking about me. I really hate the idea that two guys were deciding my possible dating life for me.
Keegan’s lip curls on one side. “Yeah, and I’m pretty pissed that Kade didn’t fight harder. I thought maybe the two of you were going to fall in love and make babies. I mean, he didn’t even seem upset. Well, except that he decided to throw down a couple shots of whiskey and snag the first willing girl. Of course this girl was more than willing to sit on Kade’s lap while she pretended she wanted to learn how to play euchre,” she adds with disgust.
Well, I didn’t expect to hear that Kade was hooking up last night. Maybe that’s what I need to hear, so I get this picture of a sweet, caring guy out of my mind. Also, Kade told me he doesn’t drink. I rein my thoughts back to the rest of what Keegan said.
“Kade and I are not going to be making babies. We are friends, or something like that. He wanted to go to the barn, and I said no because I wanted to be alone. There was no romance novel love connection or baring of our souls. That’s all. Stop analyzing.” As I am saying all of this, I am inwardly wondering if there could be something more than friendship between us. Then I consider punching myself in the throat because I have to stop thinking about him in that context.
Keegan leans back onto the bed on her elbows, her legs still over the side of the bed. “So, are you saying it doesn’t bother you at all that he was making out with some girl last night?”
No, I’m not saying that at all. “Yes, that’s what I am saying. Why would I care?” I ask, trying to keep the lie from showing on my face. The idea of Kade making out with another girl affects me in places I don’t want to think about.
Gemma kicks Keegan. “Stop it. You know damn well he was not making out with any girl.” Gemma looks at me and continues, “After his conversation with Luke, he left and came home.”
Well, I like that version of the story much better, but that doesn’t clarify the drinking. “So was he really doing shots of whiskey?”
Gemma shakes her head. “Nope, that was all part of Keegan’s story too.”
“Was he drinking at all?” I ask.
The girls look questioning at each other, when Gemma finally answers. “Yeah, he was drinking a beer when he was talking to Luke. Why do you ask?”
I shrug, and hide the fact that Kade lied to me. “Just wondered.”
As I’m contemplating how to get these two out of my room so I can nap, Gemma’s phone rings, and she answers after a quick glance at the screen.
She wanders away. When she returns, she’s wearing an uncharacteristic frown on her face. “I’m sorry, but I need to go. One of the boys, Isaac, took off again. They’re pretty sure he’s at his mom’s so I’m going to go by there and see if I can get him to go back to the group home willingly.”
Gemma works at a group home for teenage boys whose behaviors are too severe to be placed in a foster home. Over the summer she worked full-time, but now that classes are back in session, she’s only working part-time.
Not understanding how the system works, I ask, “What if he doesn’t?”
Gemma sighs and her frown deepens. “The police will have to be called. He’s on probation, which means he’ll have to spend time in juvie.”
“Why do
you
have to go?” I ask the obvious question. “I mean, you’re off today, shouldn’t the other staff handle it?”
Gemma shakes her head. “Isaac doesn’t trust any of them.” She laughs a humorless laugh. “Actually, he doesn’t trust anyone. He’s been lied to by his social worker and even his mom, so he refuses to trust anyone.”
Keegan chimes in. “Except for our Gemma. She’s too damn happy all the time so he doesn’t see her as a threat.”
I can’t help but think that Isaac sounds a lot like Tanner… and myself. I must be smiling because Gemma asks, “What’s so funny?”
Unwilling to acknowledge my own messed-up issues, I use the horse. “I was just thinking that Isaac sounds a lot like the horse I’m working with, Tanner. I’ve been working with him for about two weeks now, but he’s still not sure he can trust me.”
Gemma rubs both her hands down her face, looking exhausted. “How about when you’re done training Tanner, you can work with Isaac. He refuses to talk to therapists.”
I know she’s joking about me working with him, but the idea of him working with the horses is actually not bad. At the spur of the moment, I decided to take a leap. “Why don’t you bring Isaac by the barn? I’m a shit therapist, but the horses, well… they’ve been good therapy for me,” I admit, surprising myself.
Gemma’s expression changes from sad exhaustion to hopeful, so I decide sharing that little piece of myself was worth it.
“Are you serious, Shy? I think he would love that, and it would be a different place for us to talk; a place that doesn’t feel like an institution.”
I smile. “Of course. I was planning to work with Tanner again tonight. So how about you meet me there around five?”
Gemma lunges toward me and has me wrapped in a hug before I realize what is happening. “Thank you so much, Shy! I’m at a complete loss with this boy, so any idea is like gold right now.” I don’t freeze at her touch, which reminds me that these girls have been great therapy for me too.
***
I’m in the pasture with Tanner and the other horses when Gemma and Isaac arrive. Isaac looks more like he’s seventeen than his true fourteen. He is as tall as I am and he carries himself with confidence. His dirty blonde hair is cut short, nothing like the in-your-eyes cut I’m used to seeing on teen boys these days.
I walk to the gate and let myself out. Gemma introduces me to Isaac and he extends his hand. “Nice to meet you, ma’am,” he says, surprising me.
I reach out my hand, placing it in his much larger one. “It’s nice to meet you too, but please don’t ever call me ma’am again,” I say with a smile. “Call me Shyanne, or Shy. Either one is fine.”
Isaac smiles and releases my hand. He lifts his chin in the direction of the pasture. “What were you doing?”
I sigh. “Well, see that black horse over there?” I point in the direction of Tanner. Both Isaac and Gemma nod. “I need to catch him so I can work with him. The problem is, he hates being separated from his herd, and he doesn’t trust people. I’ve been working with him for about two weeks. He’s only ever come up to me once of his own free will.”
“What happened to him?” Isaac asks.
Knowing Tanner’s story is going to hit close, I just answer, not looking to Gemma for direction. “His current owners have only had him for a couple months. They got him as a rescue, meaning he was severely abused and neglected. The day he got to their farm, they could count every rib just by looking at him. Plus he had multiple injuries, some old, some new. Anyway, they were able to heal him physically, but not mentally. He’s terrified of people because… well… some person abused him.” I look from the horses to Isaac, to see he is still watching the herd. I look back to the herd. “So now he doesn’t know who he can trust, except his own kind.”
Isaac, proving he is paying attention, asks, “Why does he need to trust you, or his new family? I mean, isn’t he fine just staying with them?” It’s then I realize Isaac has already connected with Tanner, and his situation, more than I would have thought possible for a boy of his age.
I lean towards Isaac, bumping my elbow against his on the top rail of the fence. “You’re a pretty smart kid, you know that?” He just gives me a half-smile, so I answer, “It would be fine if he were a wild horse, running free in the mountains somewhere. Living on a farm, though, he has to be handled by people every day. Here, for example, we bring the horses into their stalls every night so they can eat and sleep in the barn. Plus they have to be examined by a vet at least twice a year, and a farrier comes to trim their feet every six weeks. Right now, the way Tanner fears humans, he becomes very anxious when he’s handled, and that makes him dangerous—to others, and to himself. His owner is a fourteen-year-old girl who wants to love him and take him out to ride on trails with the other horses. The last time she tried to put a saddle on him he bucked, got his foot caught in the girth, and almost broke his leg.” I shrug. “Right now he’s living his life hiding behind his herd, always terrified of the next time a person is going to come for him.”
Isaac nods, and I believe he really does understand. I peek around him to see Gemma trying to blink away the tears in her eyes.
We stand there in comfortable silence for several minutes before Isaac speaks again. “Can I try to catch him?”
Well, crap. This kid knows nothing about horses, and I know
that
horse is unpredictable. Proper horsemanship would say “no way in hell does this kid go in that pasture with that horse,” but my heart tells me I need to trust the horse who I am asking to trust me. I close my eyes and take my second leap of the day. “Sure.” I hear Gemma gasp, but I ignore her fears and remind myself to trust the horse. That’s the only direction I give to Isaac: “Just trust the horse.” I just hope that sunshine-and-rainbows bullshit works for me. I’ve never tried it before, so I have no idea where I pulled it from.
Isaac gives me another half-smile as I open the gate and he passes by. I follow him through, then turn to latch the gate behind us. I remove the rope that’s hanging over my shoulder and hand it to him; Isaac wraps the rope over his own shoulder, just like he saw me wear it.
“I’ll stay here and watch. If I see something that that worries me, I’ll either step in or yell to tell you what to do.”
He nods and turns to walk off toward his challenge, looking as confident as a born-and-raised cowboy.
I lean back against the fence, close to Gemma, but we don’t speak. We are both focused on the boy and the horse. We watch as Isaac walks toward the herd. When he is about halfway to them, I see Walker turn and take notice of the new addition. Isaac stops and allows Walker to approach him, petting the horse when he’s in reach. As Isaac gives patient attention to Walker, the other horses begin to approach their new visitor.
I watch in awe, trying to keep my jaw from dropping open, as Tanner moves from his position behind the herd and circles the bunch so that he can inspect Isaac. As Tanner sniffs him, Isaac just continues to pet Walker, never turning to throw the rope around Tanner—which is exactly what most inexperienced people would do. Isaac then puts the rope around Walker, leads him around the pasture, then takes him back to the herd. Once there, he removes the rope from Walker and confidently approaches Tanner, placing the rope around his neck. Isaac then leads Tanner back to where I am standing.
I refrain from clapping, which is exactly what I want to do. Instead I ask, “What happened out there?” I am honestly interested in his view.
“The white and brown horse,” he begins, referring to Walker, “was curious about me. He didn’t think twice about coming to meet me. I started petting that horse and the other ones decided to come meet me too. This one,” Isaac says, gesturing to Tanner, “stood back watching at first, waiting to see if I was going to hurt any of the other horses. When he realized it was safe, he came over to meet me too. I didn’t want to put the rope on him first, because I knew it would scare him. So I put it on the brown and white one. I thought once Tanner saw me do it with the first horse, he would trust me to do it to him. I put it on the brown and white one, walked him around for a minute, then took him back to the others. Tanner didn’t look scared, so I walked up and put the rope on him.” Isaac shrugs, as if it all makes complete sense, which I guess it does. He looks from me back to the horse. “What do you want me to do with him?”