Six Crime Stories (6 page)

*****

Johnny/Gino ran me down--which wasn
'
t much of a challenge seeing as I weigh almost three hundred pounds--and knocked me off my feet. Now I
'
m lying on the sidewalk with his gun stuck in the fat rolls on the back of my neck
,
and I know I
'
ve got to do something or end up dead in the pouring rain.

I
'
ve got the body of a sumo. Now
'
s the time to use it.

I lurch to one side as hard as I can
,
throwing all my weight into it. I figure the gun might go off in the process
,
but what do I have to lose?

It doesn
'
t go off. I feel the weight of Johnny/Gino buck off my back
,
and I know I
'
ve got a fighting chance.

I keep moving then
,
rolling over on top of him
,
pinning his legs underneath me. The gun comes up in my face
,
and I smack it away
,
knocking it right out of his hand. Next
,
I throw a fist in the middle of his
black-eyed
,
carrot-nosed face
,
and it doesn
'
t hurt that the son of a bitch looks just like Johnny Murder when I bring the hammer down.

I hit him again
,
even harder. I know he isn
'
t Johnny
,
but it
'
s the next best thing to payback for what happened to Cherry. What happened to me.

Unfortunately
,
my payback party is cut short. Johnny/Gino fights dirty
,
socking me right in the balls with his fist. I double over in pain
,
rocking far enough forward that he manages to pull a leg out from under me. He proceeds to kick me in the back with that leg
,
gouging the heel of his shoe into the middle of my spine.

He gets in three solid kicks before I choke back the pain and throw myself on top of him
,
crushing his scrawny body under my full two-hundred-ninety-nine-and-a-half pounds. He squirms like crazy
,
but I won
'
t budge; when he claws at my face
,
I pin his arm with one hand and bounce his head off the sidewalk with the other. That seems to calm him down.

I think about giving his head another bounce or two
,
even though I know it would kill him. He looks so much like Johnny
,
I
'
m like a bull seeing red; the fact that he
'
s responsible for killing Q. Liz just fires me up all the more.

He deserves it. God knows how many others he
'
s killed or hurt or how many lives he
'
s ruined. Maybe him coming to me now wearing the face of Johnny Murder is some kind of sign that I
'
m meant to balance the books.

I
'
ve got my hand still clamped on his face. All it
'
ll take is a push.

My hand is shaking. I suck in a breath through clenched teeth.

And that
'
s when I catch the scent of daffodils and antifreeze
,
cutting right through the driving rain.

*****

Two mornings later
,
I
'
m sitting in the Café du Monde over a café au lait and a pile of beignet
,
and I
'
m all smiles for a change. Feeling good.

I
'
m surrounded by the
'
Sociation
,
and they
'
re all asking questions
,
but it isn
'
t like the interrogation in Father Sees-All
'
s hospital room. The news is all good
,
everybody
'
s happy
,
and I don
'
t mind a bit. Even Starbulk
'
s not getting on my nerves so much.

It feels like the thing that was killing me is finally dead. Johnny Murder didn
'
t come back because of me
,
but because of him
,
I feel like I can finally move on.

"
So where was Quinto all this time while you were gettin
'
shot at?
"
says Bobby Bocci
,
powdered sugar from a beignet all over his lips and chin.

"
Got beat by a girl
,
"
I say
,
grinning.

The
'
Sociationers laugh
,
but Starbulk doesn
'
t act like it bothers him.
"
It
'
s true
,
"
he says good-naturedly
,
sitting relaxed at the next table over.
"
She caught me by surprise and escaped the apartment. Led me on quite a chase before I apprehended her.
"

"
What about Po
'
Boy
'
s gun?
"
says Father Sees-All. He still has some bruises
,
but the twinkle
'
s back in his eye.
"
Did you take it?
"

"
Actually
,
"
says Starbulk
,
looking a little sheepish
,
"
that was how
Corinna
caught me by surprise. I didn
'
t know the gun was in the kitchen cupboard
,
and she found it when I let her help me make coffee.
"

"
Dumbass
,
"
says Father Sees-All
,
followed by a loud crack of laughter.
"
That
'
s what you get for trustin
'
a woman.
"

Lady Claudette smacks his shoulder in protest
,
but he just keeps laughing. It reminds me of how he and Q. Liz used to go at it
,
and I feel a little sad.

"
I still can
'
t believe it
,
"
says Just Dexter.
"
The new Johnny Murder was Gino Laplaca all along.
"

"
The wonders of plastic surgery
,
"
says Ludwig von Waterglass
,
running a finger around the rims of some water glasses he
'
s gathered up on the table in front of him. Sounds a little like
"
Lady of Spain.
"

"
But it wasn
'
t quite the result he was hopin
'
for
,
"
I say
,
reaching for my seventh beignet of the morning.
"
He wanted to get a new face an
'
disappear before the trial
,
but the mob
'
s relocation program double-crossed him. Kicked him out on the street lookin
'
like someone everyone knew an
'
hated. Figured somebody
'
d take him outta the picture for good
,
thinkin
'
he was Johnny Murder.
"

"
So when I saw him at Switch Hitter
'
s
,
he was lookin
'
to get a new disguise
,
"
says Father Sees-All.

Nodding
,
I swallow a mouthful of beignet.
"
And then he was goin
'
to fly off with his chippie
,
Corinna
. She an
'
Coley Bassinette were the only two he could trust who he managed to convince he was really Gino.
"

"
So Q. Liz didn
'
t bring back Johnny as a zombie like she thought
,
"
says Madame Destine.

"
An
'
he wasn
'
t a shape-shifting whatchamacallit
,
either
,
"
says High Markie.

"
How
'
s it feel bein
'
wrong there
,
Quinto?
"
says Father Sees-All with a grin
,
pointing a finger at Starbulk.

"
But I wasn
'
t wrong
,
"
Starbulk says confidently.
"
It was all part of my plan. I had it all figured out
,
but I knew that Gerald needed to solve this case in order to put the past behind him. Therefore
,
I concocted preposterous theories that actually had a grain of truth in them
,
in order to guide Gerald toward the solution.
"

"
Oh
,
did you now?
"
says Father Sees-All.

"
Absolutely
,
"
says Starbulk
,
massaging the swami freckle between his eyes.
"
My mentor
,
Dr. Apex Paragon
,
used exactly the same technique to help me solve the mystery of the levitating humidor and defeat the Purple Legion.
"

"
So you knew about Johnny bein
'
Gino
,
"
Father says sardonically.
"
An
'
all that stuff about shape-shiftin
'
monsters was made up for Po
'
Boy
'
s benefit.
"

"
Yes and yes
,
"
says Starbulk
,
nodding.

"
Horseshit
,
"
I say
,
licking powdered sugar off my fingertips...but the truth is
,
I
'
m not sure. Starbulk wasn
'
t so far wrong about Johnny being a shape-shifter; plastic surgery reshaped Gino to look like Johnny
,
after all.

Of course
,
I still tend to think Starbulk
'
s full of crap
,
because he wasn
'
t right about one thing in particular.

"
What I did or didn
'
t know is unimportant
,
"
he says
,
getting up off his chair and stepping over to stand beside me.
"
What matters is that my brother here saved the day and captured the infamous Gino Laplaca.
"

Starbulk squeezes my shoulder and looks me in the eye with an expression of solemn sincerity.
"
Our father would be proud of you
,
Gerald
,
"
he says.
"
I
'
ll bet that right at this very moment
,
Ben Boudreaux is looking down at you from Heaven with a great big smile on his face and a tear of joy in his eye.
"

"
Thank you
,
"
I say
,
patting his hand...not bothering to mention my dad
'
s alive and well in Pittsburgh and his last name is Tangle.