Authors: Helen Libby
‘How did Will take it?’
I wander over to the French
windows, which overlook the canal. ‘It was horrible. He was shocked at first.
Then he got angry. He was trying not to cry at the end.’ I feel so sad whenever
I think about it.
‘Poor Will, and poor you. Any
regrets?’ Kate’s forehead wrinkles and she fiddles with her long brunette hair.
I take a seat beside her on her
small sofa.
‘Plenty.’
I sigh.
My friend turns to me, an eager
expression on her face. ‘You could still get back together.’
‘I’m just…it’s so sad.’ I take a
sip of the red wine Kate produced when I first arrived.
Kate shakes her head. ‘You’ve
been together for years. It’s a shame you’ve split up now. Surely you need
Will
more than ever.’
‘What are you getting at?’ I
don’t need this from her.
‘Well, the skin cancer; it’s not
a good time for you to be alone.’
‘For goodness
sake!
Not you
as well. Can’t you be more positive?’ I know this isn’t the best time to break
up with my long-term partner, but I can’t wait until after the operation. I
can’t use Will. I can’t live a lie.
I jump up, almost spilling my
wine in the process, and pace the small living area. If Kate persists in being
so negative I’m really going to lose my temper. I take a deep breath and put
the TV on.
Coronation Street’s
just
starting - excellent. I turn back to my friend. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I say firmly.
‘After all, I’ve got you, haven’t I?
And my parents.’
It would be nice to have Leo by my side too, but there’s no chance of that.
Kate nods, but I can see the
uncertainty in her eyes. She doesn’t say anything though; wisely she bites her
lip instead.
‘Shall I dish up?’ I ask
brightly. Without waiting for an answer I go to rescue our meal. The lasagne is
a bit burnt around the edges, but that’s okay; I like the crusty bits. I smile
to myself. I came to the wrong place if I wanted cheering up, but Kate’s place
is just a temporary bolthole until I decide what I’m going to do next.
***
I go to work even earlier than
usual, beating Marie, who always starts work at 7.30am. By the time she’s
arrived I’m absorbed in putting together a classic funeral posy consisting of
one large-headed white rose surrounded by lemon Asiatic lilies, alstroemeria
and spray chrysanthemums. I look up. Marie’s eyebrows are raised. ‘What?’
‘You’re an early bird.’
As if my normal 8am start is
late! I shrug. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’ Not surprising is it? For starters, it’s
strange being at Kate’s. Sleeping on a sofa bed is nowhere near as comfortable
as the king-size bed I previously shared with Will. And I can’t help but worry
about Will, and the operation, on the subject of which . . . ‘Marie, I need to
take some time off soon, a week, maybe two.’
‘Well, you’ve hardly taken any
leave so far this year, so fine. Are you going away?’
I
wish.
‘No,
I’m…having an operation.’ Marie had to know sooner or later.
She fixes me with a penetrating
stare. ‘Okay, missy, fill me in.’ She perches on a stool next to me.
And so I tell Marie about my
having skin cancer, and then about leaving
Will
. We
don’t often share confidences, but I can’t help it today; it just spills out.
Marie doesn’t flinch. ‘That’s a
lot to take in,’ she says slowly, ‘especially before 9am.’ She raises her
eyebrows and I look up at the clock. It’s still only 8.30am. I smile.
‘That’s better. And now I think
it’s time for a cuppa.’
I feel a bit better. Marie
doesn’t say a lot – it’s not her style, but it’s good to talk to someone
neutral.
She pats my shoulder as she hands
me my tea. I’m surprised, as she isn’t usually a touchy feely person. ‘You’re
very brave, Gemma.’
Brave? Me? I don’t think so. All
I can do is to follow my heart, skin cancer or not.
***
I’ve mostly worked fourteen hour
days this week. We’re up to our necks with wedding orders. I haven’t seen all
that much of Kate this week, which is probably a good thing because she seems
to be more worried about the operation than I am! It’s been good to be
so
busy as it means I haven’t had any time to think. I feel
guilty about taking time off. It’s bad timing, but Marie’s going to employ a
temp., and I plan to return to work as soon as possible.
Now it’s Sunday and
what a beautiful day it is. The brilliant blue sky remains unmarked by clouds.
There’s a light breeze which thankfully tempers the heat. I go to Loggerheads
and walk alongside the river, lost in my thoughts.
‘Gemma.’
I whirl round. It’s
Leo. ‘Hi,’ I say, desperately trying to remain calm on the outside at least.
‘Hi.’ He gazes at me.
‘How are you?’
‘Fine,
thanks.
You?’
‘I’m good. Mind if I
walk with you?’
‘Feel free.’ That
sounded casual, didn’t it? I’m delighted to see Leo, to have him walk with me,
but I’ve only just broken up with Will and besides, Leo’s already been rejected
by me once. Will he take another chance on me? Do I want him to? Silly
question!
In silence - but it’s
a good silence if you know what I mean - we go as far as the Leete Path, then
turn back.
Leo clears his
throat. ‘Would you like to go to The Rainbow for lunch?’ I pause. ‘Sorry, I bet
you’ve already made plans with your boyfriend.’
I grasp the
opportunity: ‘Will and I broke up. I’ve moved out.’ I can’t look at Leo as I
say this.
‘When did that
happen?’
‘Just
over a week ago.’
I finally meet his eyes and feel myself melting into those
glowing depths.
He’s looking at me
intently. ‘That must have been tough.’
I nod, and make up my
mind; friends can do lunch can’t they? ‘I’d like to go for lunch.’
He grins, and I beam
right back. There’s a sparkling connection between us. Oh God! I really, really
like him.
We walk to the cosy
pub complete with exposed wooden beams and a slate floor, where we both choose
a roast beef dinner. As I eat, I wonder whether to tell Leo about the skin
cancer, but I’m reluctant for anything to spoil today. When we part, Leo says
that he hopes he’ll see me at Loggerheads again sometime. And it’s a perfect
way to leave things. If anything is going to happen between me and Leo, then we
can take it slowly. I don’t know when I’ll next see him, but I’m sure it won’t
be too long before I do, and I’m glad. It’s the one bright spot on what feels
like a dark canvas. I feel like my life has been split into two parts – before
and after the operation. I can’t wait to get to the other side.
A dressing covers the part of my
leg where the wide local excision was carried out. Again it was done under
local anaesthetic. My leg feels tender, but the main thing is it’s over and I’m
back on the ward. I just hope that’s the end of it, but I’ll have to wait until
I have a check up to see if I’ve got the all clear.
I doze, and each time I wake
either Mum, Dad or Kate (or all three), are sitting round the bed. Marie pops
in at tea time. I’d love to feel Leo’s arms around me, but he doesn’t even know
I’m here. At 7.30pm I’m told I can go home. I’m staying at my parents’ house
for a few days whilst I recover. I go straight to bed when I get there. All I
want to do is sleep.
***
Having skin cancer has given me a
huge wake-up call.
Why haven’t I been more
appreciative of life? Why has it taken being ill to open my eyes? Why haven’t I
done more, seen more? I’ve been coasting, playing it too safe, always thinking
I’ve got
plenty
of time. What if I haven’t? Things have got to change.
In bed later that night, I work on my very own bucket
list:
1.
Go to New York.
2.
Celebrate my 30
th
Birthday.
3.
Start my own business.
4.
Go on the London Eye.
5.
Walk up Mount Snowdon.
6.
Learn to dance.
7.
Get a dog.
8.
See the Northern Lights.
9.
Read all of Jane Austen’s novels.
10.
Roller
blade.
I’m ashamed I haven’t done some
of the things on my list before, like going on the London Eye or going up Mount
Snowdon. Of course there’s the not insignificant problem of how I’m going to
finance my trips abroad, not to mention a business, but I’ll find the money
somehow – I’m determined. It feels good to have goals.
I return to Kate’s a few days
later. When my friend arrives home I greet her with a big hug; ‘I’ve made a
shepherd’s pie for tea. Shall I dish it up now? I don’t know about you but I’m
starving.’ Kate smiles and follows me through to the kitchenette. My pie looks
and smells delicious. I laugh as Kate’s stomach rumbles.
‘You shouldn’t have gone to so
much trouble, Gemma. We could have had a takeaway to celebrate your first night
back.’
‘Oh, it was no trouble,’ I say
brightly. ‘Besides, I need to keep busy.’
We take our drinks and meals on trays
into the lounge, and plonk ourselves down onto the sofa. I’m wearing a short,
loose skirt partly because we’re having a mini-heat-wave, but also because I’m
finding trousers too tight at the moment due to the dressing on my leg. I note
Kate glance at it, shudder,
then
look away. Nice. It’s
not infectious! I sigh. Kate can’t help it. ‘So, tell me about work.’
Kate chats about the goings-on in
the council’s finance department. ‘So, when are you planning on going back to
work?’
‘Monday.’
I beam. ‘I can’t wait to get
back to normal.’
Kate’s jaw drops. ‘Isn’t that a
bit soon?’
‘Oh, I’m fine, just a bit sore
that’s all.’
Kate shakes her head. ‘If you can
call having skin cancer normal.’
My fork clatters to the floor.
Kate looks down at it, then at me. Her eyes fill with tears. ‘I’m sorry, Gemma.
It’s just, I’ve been so worried.’
I pull her to me. ‘
It’s
okay, Kate. I understand.’ I do understand, I really
do, but I have to look after myself and I don’t think staying here is doing me
any good. I’m grateful to Kate, but I need to get my own place.
***
‘So, what have I missed?’ I can’t
help but do a little skip round the workroom.
‘Not a lot. You’ve only been off
for a week.’ Marie shakes her head, but she’s smiling.
‘I’m so glad to be back. I just
want to get back to normal.’ My fingers trail the abundance of flowers, a
delivery of which Marie is trying to check.
‘Well, it’s good to have you
back,’ my boss says gruffly as she bends to unpack another crate.
I inhale the scent of a freesia.
Mmm…gorgeous.
Over a cuppa and one of my mum’s gorgeous
fairy cakes - a tub of which I brought into work - I confide in Marie: ‘A
customer asked me out.’ I’ve been dying to talk to someone about Leo. I doubt
Mum would understand - she’s too fond of Will - whilst Kate would only worry.
Marie raises an eyebrow. ‘And
you’re asking me if it’s okay to date a customer?’
I have to grin at that. ‘No! I
already know I can’t date him, and not because he’s a customer.’
Marie dunks a bit of cake into
her tea.
‘Why not?
You don’t need anyone’s
permission.’
‘But I’ve only just broken up
with Will. It’s too soon.’
‘Sometimes you can’t help the
timing.’
‘Then there’s the skin cancer.’
‘And it’s precisely because of
the skin cancer that you need to act, Gemma. You’re making excuses. You owe it
to yourself to find out if this guy is all you think he is. Crikey, Gemma,
it’s not as if I’m saying marry
him. Have some fun, you
deserve it.’
I shake my head at that. ‘I
don’t. I’ve really hurt Will.’
‘He’ll get over it. If you don’t
love him then you’ve done him a favour in the long run.’
I give Marie a brief hug. ‘Thanks
for listening.’
‘Are you going to contact this
guy?’
‘I’ll think about it.’ I still
think it’s too soon. Just the thought of seeing him again is lovely, and one
which warms my heart whenever I’m feeling scared or lonely.
The morning passes quickly. I
stay mainly behind the scenes, only covering the counter for Marie at
lunchtime. I’m taken aback to see Leo striding in. I must have conjured him up by
talking about him. I take a deep breath. Be still my beating heart and all
that.
‘Hi, Gemma.’
‘Hi, Leo.
What brings you here?’ Now that
doesn’t sound very welcoming does it? Too late I remember the conspicuous
dressing on my leg. It’s another hot day and so I’m wearing a skirt again. Leo
stares at it. Oh, why couldn’t I have been behind the counter when he came in,
instead of re-arranging the flowers on the shop floor?
He frowns. ‘What have you been
doing to yourself?’
I don’t really want to tell him
about the skin cancer, not now. I don’t want to lie either. ‘Err…’ I realise
I’m going to have to tell him the truth, though I’m loathe to do so. I don’t
want him to feel sorry for me. As I tell him, I see his jaw tense and I feel
sick.
‘Why didn’t you tell me before,
when we were at Loggerheads? I thought we were friends.’
‘I had my reasons.’ I’m torn
between feeling guilty I didn’t tell him, and angry because he’s angry. Does he
have a right to be? Should I have told him? I’m not sure.
Leo stares at me for a long
moment, then turns. ‘Goodbye, Gemma.’ It sounds so final. He strides out of the
shop, whilst I remain rooted to the spot. Have I just made a big mistake? Have
I lost any chance I had with Leo? I’m crippled with pain at the thought.
When Marie returns she takes one
look at my stricken face. ‘Spill the beans, kiddo.’
‘It’s Leo. He’s just been in
here.’
‘The guy you were telling me
about? Dammit, I missed him. What was he doing here?’
‘I never got to find out.’ I
explain what happened. ‘He’s really pissed off with me - I don’t know what to
do.’
Marie grips my shoulders. ‘You
know what you have to do. Get in touch with him, explain.’
‘But should I have to? Have I
done anything wrong?’
‘Don’t be so stubborn. The
question you really have to ask yourself is
,
do you
want to sort things out with him?’
My mind is made up for me. Just
before we close, Marie calls me through to the shop. Leo’s back. I don’t need
to think about what I’m going to say to him. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I
didn’t want you to pity me.’
Leo gazes down at me for a long,
long moment. He takes hold of my hand. ‘You have nothing to apologise for,
Gemma. It’s me who needs to apologise – behaving like a spoilt brat.’ He
fiddles with my fingers one by one. ‘I’m sorry.’
I’m so relieved I fling my arms
round him. Life’s too short not to grab love when you find it. I know it hasn’t
been long since I broke up with Will, and that I’ve been ill, but that’s
precisely why I’ve decided to see how things go with Leo. He makes my heart
sing. We can take things slowly.