33
Blake never came
back to school yesterday. Which is really bad, considering it was the first day and all. He has to be here today.
While I’m waiting for Blake out front, Jason pulls into the student lot. I watch him park his Jeep. I wish we could just be together. I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life.
Jason walks toward me across the lawn. He tried talking to Erin again after school yesterday. She ignored him. Then he tried calling her last night. She didn’t pick up. The same thing happened with me trying to call Blake an embarrassing amount of times.
“Why don’t I just tell her?” I said when Jason called me. “She’s obviously not going to talk to you. We can’t keep waiting like this.”
“I’m not waiting,” Jason went. “I’m ready to tell her.”
“What about emailing her?”
“It’s not right to do this over email.”
“It’s not right that we can’t be together, either.”
Watching him coming closer, every part of me aches to touch him. But then everyone would totally see.
Unless . . .
Jason walks by slowly, all close. He looks at me. He doesn’t say anything. His eyes are the darkest green.
I go, “Meet me under the stairs in the science wing before lunch.” We have the same lunch again this year. Except this time, Erin’s also in our lunch. It was really hard to sit with her yesterday, pretending nothing was wrong while I snuck looks at Jason three tables over. I hope he snuck looks at me, too. As if that didn’t suck enough, we’re not allowed to leave for lunch this year. Some idiotic senior ruined lunch privileges at the end of last year by making a total ruckus in Blimpie, so now we’re being punished. Seniors are trapped in the caf until next semester.
Jason nods and keeps walking. I know I said that I didn’t want to see him until Erin knows, but I can’t do this anymore. He’s all I can think about. Now that we can’t be together, I want him a hundred times more. It’s driving me crazy.
Blake finally shows up two minutes before the first bell. He isn’t exactly rushing to be on time.
“Please don’t stay mad at me,” I go. “I hate that we’re in a fight.”
Blake’s like, “Whose fault is that, I wonder?” Then he brushes past me.
Every class before lunch takes forever to end. Glaring at the clock in history, I swear time actually goes backward.
As soon as the bell rings, I shove my stuff in my bag and run to the science wing. There’s a secret hiding place under the stairs. I don’t know if anyone else knows about it. I found it one day in ninth grade when we were doing an activity in the hall for bio and my Styrofoam ball rolled under there.
Waiting for Jason, I concentrate on being quiet. If someone found me hiding under the stairs like this, I would be mortified. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he gets here. I just know that I have to be alone with him.
I hear the door at the top of the stairs open. Some girls are laughing.
“It’s just a nasty rumor,” one girl says. “He’s not gay.”
“How would you know?” the other girl fires back.
“Um, maybe because he had a major crush on me last year?”
“Did he ask you out?”
“Not exactly. But he totally flirted with me in chemistry.”
“That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Why would he flirt with me if he’s gay?”
“Hello! So no one would suspect him?”
“Not like it matters. He was going out with Lani.”
I hold my breath. Who are these girls? I don’t recognize their voices. Do I know them? And why aren’t they moving?
“Maybe they’re just friends.”
“Yeah, right! Have you ever seen them together?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Trust me. Nothing about that is platonic.”
The door swings open again. A new girl is like, “Where’d you guys go?” Her voice is lower than the others’.
“Here, obviously.”
“Isn’t Blake going out with Lani?” the first girl goes.
“Blake’s gay.” This from the girl who just got here.
“No, he’s not. He totally flirted with me last year.”
“What a load,” the new girl says. “Ryan said he heard Lani say that Blake is gay.”
“Which Ryan?”
“Ryan Campanelli.”
“When?”
“At the end of last year.”
“Yeah, like she’d really be talking about that in front of Ryan.”
“No, he was in the other room. You know how you can hear everything from one seventeen in the guidance office waiting room?”
“Oh, right. It has that weird vent thing.”
“Same with two forty-two and two forty-four. I had Communications in two forty-two last year and you could totally hear everything from two forty-four.”
“So Ryan was going in to see Mr. Bradley when he heard Lani. She was like—”
The door swings open. “Where are you girls supposed to be?” a Teacher Voice says. “Let’s go.”
I hear the girls shuffle off. I’m dying to see who they are, but there’s no way I’m risking exposure.
Jason was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.
A few seconds later, the door bangs open. Jason comes running down the stairs. I know it’s him without looking.
“Sorry about that,” Jason says. He bends down and ducks under the stairwell. “Those girls took forever to leave. I was—”
I kiss him.
Jason goes, “I miss you.”
“Same here.”
“I’m going to email Erin.”
“But you said—”
“I know. But she’s not giving me a choice.”
I kiss him some more.
“How’s Blake doing?” he whispers.
“Dude!” I whisper-yell. “I just found out who told about Blake. It was Ryan!”
“Ryan Campanelli?”
“Yes! He was in guidance when we were in one seventeen. He heard me telling you about Blake.”
“How?”
“You can hear everything from one seventeen in the guidance waiting room through the vents.”
“Oh, crap.”
“I can’t believe he waited so long to say something.”
“At least now we know who did. And you know that I didn’t.”
“I knew you—”
I don’t get to finish what I was saying. Because Jason is kissing me. And nothing else matters.
34
When Jason calls
me later to let me know that he finally emailed Erin, I’m relieved. He forwards me the email so I can see what he said. It’s all about how he never meant to hurt her but he wants to be with me.
I have no idea what Erin’s going to do. Well, I sort of have an idea. A scary idea.
I think about calling her. I keep picking up my phone and putting it back down. Of course she’s going to be mad. Of course she’s going to hate me. There’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is wait for her to talk to me again.
Maybe she never will. Blake still won’t talk to me. I’ve tried calling him a bunch more times, but he keeps screening. It’s like he dropped right out of my life over one stupid mistake.
When the phone rings three hours later, I can’t believe it’s Erin.
“Hey,” I go.
“Hey,” she goes back.
No one says anything. There’s a hollow humming noise.
Erin’s like, “How’s it going?”
“Okay . . .”
“How’s Blake doing?”
“He’s . . . not good.”
“I’m sure.”
Erin doesn’t sound mad. I was totally expecting Erin to be mad. Maybe she didn’t read Jason’s email yet.
“Know what I heard?” Erin says.
“What?”
“You were the one who outed Blake.”
“No, it was Ryan Campanelli!”
“I heard it was you, and Ryan was just telling people what you said.”
“I only told Jason! No one else was there!”
“Oh, you were alone with Jason?”
“No, we weren’t, like,
alone
, just in a classroom alone.”
“Why?”
“Um . . . I don’t really remember.”
“Do you remember lying to my face?”
My heart skips a beat.
I go, “Did you get Jason’s email?”
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you’re a lying bitch who stole my boyfriend.”
My heart stops beating entirely.
“He’s not your boyfriend anymore,” I say, my voice all shaky.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You know, I had a bad feeling when I was getting on the camp bus. I almost said something. But I
trusted
you. Bianca kept saying how you were flirting with Jason at lunch, but I always defended you. I should have known. Why else would you guys go off together to some private table like that?”
“We weren’t flirting. And you were fine with us sitting together.”
“I can’t believe I told you to hang out with Jason while I was away!”
“Just read his email.”
“I already did. And now the whole class can read it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I forwarded it to everyone. They should really know how you are. Like how you stole my boyfriend and lied about it to my face.
So
not cool.”
Fear spikes through me. I knew Erin would be mad, but this is outrageous. She forwarded Jason’s email to the whole class? It’s like I don’t even know her anymore. What kind of person would do something like that?
Someone whose life I ruined.
Someone who wants to ruin mine back.
Erin’s like, “And after everything I’ve done for you. You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me.”
Harsh. She’s never brought up the accident like that. I mean, we’ve talked about it and of course I’ve thanked Erin for keeping me alive, but she’s never said anything that brutal to me before.
She’s right, though. Erin means more to me than anyone else. I can’t believe I let things go this far.
“I’m really, really sorry,” I tell her. “I’ll do anything to make this right.”
“Anything?”
“Yeah.”
“Then stop seeing Jason.”
How was this supposed to go again? Jason was going to tell Erin about us, she’d get mad, but then Jason and I would be together and eventually she’d get over it. This is turning out all wrong. Or maybe not. Maybe this is the Energy’s way of reminding me about everything I’d lose if Erin weren’t in my life. I wouldn’t just be losing a friend. I’d be losing a part of my history, someone who’s like a sister to me.
I’ve already hurt Erin enough. If she had to watch Jason and me together, it would be torture for her.
“Fine,” I say. “I won’t see him anymore. I won’t even talk to him.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“I’ll try to believe you. Not that it’ll change what you did.”
“Erin, it’s over. I won’t even look at him.”
“That’s the least you can do.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“That’s nice. Too bad no one cares. Anyway, have fun at school tomorrow. It should be
really
fun for you.”
35
Everyone knows.
You know how you can tell when people are talking about you? Especially people who used to be your friends? It’s like that. Everyone thinks I’m an evil boyfriend-stealer who goes around wrecking her best friend’s life.
None of them knows the truth. And there’s no way to tell them that Erin’s lying.
Going to my locker before homeroom is supreme misery. People stare at me. Others turn away when I look at them. Some of them laugh. A girl I don’t even know bumps me. Hard.
Everyone hates me.
Before Erin forwarded Jason’s email to the whole world, she wrote at the top of it how I planned the whole thing. She wrote how I wanted Jason all along and totally stole him right out from under her. She even changed his email to make us look worse and her look better. Of course everyone believes her. She’s so convincing even
I
almost believe her.
I get to my locker and focus on my lock combination. I don’t want to look at anyone else. I can’t stand seeing that much hate in people’s eyes.
When Danielle comes up to me, I could not be more relieved. It was starting to feel like I had zero friends left.
I’m all, “Hey, did you get a chance to read that article?” We have our first One World meeting of the year in a few days. She’s helping me with a presentation for new members.
“Yeah . . . um . . .” Danielle takes the article out of her bag. The edge is all crumpled. She gives it to me. “I can’t really help you with this.”
“Why not?”
“I just . . .” She looks around. A bunch of people are watching us. “. . . can’t.” Then she practically runs away from me.
Fabulous. Even my friends hate me now. Erin’s email torment can’t be why Danielle just bailed on me, though. As if she’d believe any of that without even talking to me. I have to find out what’s wrong with her.
The day just gets worse from there. It’s like no one’s giving me the chance to tell my side. Everyone’s just assuming I don’t have one. Even people I don’t know. Like when I’m answering a question in physics, two girls start whispering. I don’t have to hear what they’re saying to know they’re whispering about me.
It’s really hard to be in this class with Jason and not talk to him. Or even look at him. We have assigned seats now. He’s far away. I resist sneaking looks at him to see if he’s sneaking looks at me.
After I got off the phone with Erin last night, I called Jason to tell him about my promise to her. It was one of the most depressing conversations ever.
As if physics wasn’t awkward enough, lunch is even worse. After I get my lunch, I just stand there with my tray, searching for a safety net.
Erin’s sitting with some of the Golden Kids, including Bianca. They’re all listening to what I’m sure is a livid rant about how evil I am. Bianca gives me a nasty glare. I knew she was spying on me and Jason last year. I just didn’t know she was low enough to go blabbing all of her distortions to Erin.