My way or the highway
.
T
here wasn't much time to think about it, or talk more. The front door flew open, bringing in Chief Joseph and Jesse. Both men headed toward the table.
Standing up, Kathryn frowned at her husband and brother-in-law. “Wash your hands before you sit at my table, please,” she commanded, retrieving her pot holder and heading toward the stove to check her baking. She pulled a pan of perfectly golden-brown buttermilk biscuits out of the oven.
“Smells good, honey,” Chief Joseph said, offering his wife a quick peck on the cheek. “Can I do anything?”
“Set the table, please,” Kathryn answered juggling the hot pan. “We were so busy talking I didn't manage to get it done.”
Joseph headed toward the cabinets holding the dishes. “A good conversation, I hope.”
Kathryn shrugged. “Just girl talk, my dear,” she quipped lightly. “Nothing you guys would be interested in.”
One look was all it took for Dakoda to recognize a couple still very much in love with each other. The envy bug bit. Just a little. Just enough to sting.
She swallowed her discomfort and stayed quiet, instead focusing on the family banter going on around her. That was something she'd never had. Even when her mother was married to Ash, they'd spent more times battling it out than kissing and enjoying a quiet dinner. When she was a kid, mealtime usually involved her staggering-drunk mother tossing a few dollars her way and telling her to find some food.
The bug came back and bit again. This time the sting was deeper, more painful.
Dakoda ignored it, propping her chin on her elbow.
These people actually like each other
.
“We're always interested in anything you girls have to say,” Jesse broke in, drying his hands on a towel hung beside the sink. “There's so few of you around to do that talking. We're happy if you'll just let us look at you and bask in your beauty.”
“Flattery isn't going to get you dessert, Jesse,” Kathryn countered sternly. “I didn't have time to make anything but the basics tonight.”
Jesse snapped his fingers. “Darn. I do so love that chocolate layer cake you make.”
“No cake,” Kathryn insisted. “Unless you bake it yourself.”
“My luck always did stink.” Jesse walked toward the table, sliding onto the bench beside Dakoda and giving her an odd look. “What happened to your hair?”
Dakoda's hand rose. She fingered the choppy cut Kathryn had helped give her. “It was too damn tangled to unsnarl,” she confessed about her chin-length cut. “So I decided short and simple was the way to go.”
Frowning, Jesse eyed her. “It looks good,” he finally announced, reaching out to trace the curve of her cheek. “Brings out your beautiful almond-shaped eyes.”
Dakoda's skin heated under his simple caress. “There you go comparing me to a nut again,” she laughed, trying to make light of his comment. Though she could brush off his compliment, her body couldn't toss off his touch as easily. The clutching sensation in her stomach made her breath catch. Heat began to trickle between her thighs. She pressed them together tightly, mentally willing the sensations of desire aside. It was no longer just the two of them, alone and fighting for survival. She had to think about going back to her world now, the real world outside the reservation settlement.
Jesse's hand dropped. “You know I'd think you were gorgeous even if you were bald and had no eyes.”
Dakoda laughed. “If you're trying to insult the hell out of me, you're headed in the right direction. Want to try another?”
Ducking his head briefly, Jesse cleared his throat. “I think you know what I'm trying to say.” He followed his words with a brief squeeze of her forearm.
Dakoda nodded. “I get it, I think,” she said, watching as Joe pulled out a stack of plates and bowls and set the table for his wife. As he was handing out the utensils, Kathryn ladled heaps of her thick meaty stew into the bowls, filling them to the edge.
“Everyone eat up,” Joseph urged as he sat the biscuits in the middle of the table, along with a small crock of pale, creamy butter. Two clear glass canning jars held the bounty harvested from the land; one was filled with a thick berry jam, the other with rich dark honey harvested from wild beehives.
Buttering a few biscuits, Dakoda picked up her spoon and dug into the food. The first bite was heaven. “Kathryn, this is delicious,” she complimented, following the bite with another from the buttermilk biscuit. Smeared with real butter, the bread practically melted in her mouth. She'd never tasted anything so good in her entire life.
Kathryn blushed a little at the compliment. “Thanks. I'm using recipes handed down through Joe's family for ages now. I try to make as much as I can myself.”
Dakoda swallowed another bite of the perfectly simmered meat. It was all she could do to eat at a normal pace instead of shoveling the stew down at top speed. There had been a point during their travels when she'd believed she'd never again get enough to eat. “That must keep you busy.”
Kathryn gave a weary sigh. “It keeps my days full,” she agreed. “What I can't make myself, we buy in town on our monthly trips in for supplies.”
Dakoda's ears perked at the mention of civilization outside the reservation. “How long does it take to get there?” she asked.
Chief Joseph took over the conversation for his wife. “Leave in the morning and we can be in Connelly Springs by afternoon. We've actually progressed to the point where we have a few utility roads for trucks to get in and out now, so travel is a little faster.”
“No more packing up and taking the horses,” Kathryn added.
Dakoda didn't remember seeing any vehicles, though she hadn't seen the whole of the settlement. “Is there any way you can get me back to Connelly Springs tomorrow?” she asked.
Chief Joseph nodded. “If it's your wish to do so, then we can leave at first light.”
Dakoda put down her spoon. “That would be excellent.”
Jesse frowned a little at her words, but said nothing. Instead he concentrated on his food, eating slowly and methodically.
Dakoda glanced toward him. Oh, no. She'd known he was going to take this hard. Why did he have to be so freaking sensitive about it? She could feel the tension and hurt pouring off him in waves, even though he wasn't saying anything.
“I understand you are eager to pursue the men who killed your partner,” Joseph continued evenly. “With that in mind, I have spoken to Ayunkini for his counsel on the matter.”
Dakoda's brow rose in surprise. “And he would be?”
“Ayunkini is our shaman and spiritual advisor,” Jesse answered, finally deigning to speak. “He is the one who leads you through the mind walk, helps you explore the heart and soul of the cougar inside.”
Dakoda stiffened. Hunger faded, replaced with concern. She suddenly felt bloated and leaden, like a fat cow about to be slaughtered. “And he wants me to have one of these mind walks?”
Chief Joseph shook his head. “Although we would all hope you would want to, it is not necessary since you are planning to leave tomorrow.”
Dakoda relaxed. “Oh, well good.” She shook her head. “To tell you the truth, even though I have seen a lot with my own eyes and listened to Jesse speak about life in the mountains, it's just not something I'm sure I'm ready to pursue at this point in my life.” She gave a little shrug. “In fact, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.”
The chief nodded his understanding. “Some are not ready, and we are prepared for such an eventuality, too. Just as Ayunkini can lead you through the mind walk, he can also take you down another path.”
Suspicion rose all over again. “What other path?”
“The path of forgetting what you have seen and heard about the Tlvdatsi.”
Dakoda stared at him in shock, her mind working double time to process everything he's said. The first thing popping into her mind was it sounded too sci-fi freaky. Then again, the whole idea of humans shifting into cougars was way past the norm. “He wants to erase my memories?” she asked incredulously.
“Ayunkini can lift away memories, easily and with no pain or trauma,” the chief explained. “His plan is to take you back to the day of your partner's death, before you were taken captive and witnessed Jesse's transformation. Without those memories, you will still have all you need to pursue prosecution of the men who killed your partner, but without the knowledge of our people. The only thing you would know is that we found you wandering, dazed and a little confused, and returned you to your people.”
Returned me to my people
, her mind broke in, tossing the unbidden thought into the arena.
I thought you were my people
â¦
But no. They weren't her people. They would notâcould notâaccept her until she'd made a vital step toward embracing the truth simmering beneath her skin, embraced and harnessed the power of her true soul.
Dakoda struggled to sort through the implications of his proposal. She had to admit this was a turn she totally hadn't expected. And, holy cow, it was a massive one, running over her like a freight train without brakes.
If she agreed, this past week would be wiped away, as temporary as words written in chalk on a blackboard. She'd know nothing but vital facts. The rest would be gone, excised from her brain like a cancerous tumor.
A breath caught in her throat, a painful sensation working its way down into her lungs. Tightening, squeezing, then ripping and tearing as her oxygen drizzled away. Losing those days would mean losing Jesse. Everything would vanish. She wouldn't know she'd met him, shared an adventure with him. Or made love to him.
Lose Jesse, as she'd lost so much of her life already?
I can't
, she thought. There had to be another way.
Using a napkin to wipe her mouth, Dakoda slowly pushed her empty bowl away. “I'm not giving up my memories,” she said, keeping her words level but firm. “If there's one thing that's not negotiable, Chief, it's that one.”
Jesse shot her a look, one of hopeful elation dancing across his face. “Then you'll consider staying?”
Dakoda's stomach lurched at the eagerness behind his question. Though she had no doubt about her desire for himâher body gave her away every time he touched herâshe had a commitment to her duty first. There had to be a way to make the two meet and run parallel without jeopardizing either. She just wasn't ready to make a final break with either side of herself.
She laid a gentle hand on his. He knew exactly who he was and what he wanted from his life, and who he wanted in it. Her.
Dakoda knew she owed him the same consideration. Giving it should have been easy, but it wasn't. “Don't ask me to make a decision about us until after the law settles with the Barnett brothers,” she said quietly. “I owe my partner a decent burial and justice from the men who put him in the ground. Anything less would dishonor his life and make me a woman who doesn't keep her word. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do what is right.”
Jesse gave her hand a soft squeeze. “As long as you'll think about coming back, Dakoda, it's good enough for me,” he said, taking yet another run at the wall she'd erected around her emotions. “That's all I ask. A chance. Will you give me that? A chance?”
One brick fell, and then another.
Damn.
Dakoda nodded slowly. Every time she thought she'd made up her mind, her thoughts circled back around to Jesse. “You've got your chance.” She kept her gaze level and sure, refusing to blink. “I can't say when you'll have it, but you will. I promise.” It wasn't her heart, but it was a start. To what, she wasn't sure yet.
Jesse started to speak, then shrugged. “I guess I haven't got any choice.” He suddenly smiled, his dark eyes twinkling with male insinuation. “They say what you wait for is the best thing to have when it finally arrives.” He leaned close, pressing a soft warm kiss at the edge of her mouth. “You're worth waiting for,” he whispered before slipping back into his place.
Jesse's words sent a wild, swooping sensation through Dakoda's core. It was strangely exciting, being so desired by a man, one willing to stand by in support as she did what duty required.
Chief Joseph cleared his throat. “While I am happy to see love blossom right in front of my eyes,” he said in a tone not entirely laced with disapproval, “I would prefer you take your lovemaking away from my kitchen table.” He cast a sly glance toward his wife. “Otherwise it may give me ideas about my own wife and that son I want her to conceive.”
Kathryn blushed hot, giggling behind her hands. “We'll just have to keep trying,” she said. “Until we get it right.” She got up to clear away the dishes, stacking them in the sink before putting on a fresh pot of coffee to brew.
Jesse's hand slipped around Dakoda's, his grip tight and protective. “Even though I don't want to say it, this kind of leaves us at the same impasse as before.” His lips quirked into a bitter smile. “Though you haven't said it, Joe, she's got two choices. To remember meâusâshe has to take the mind walk. Otherwise she'll have to lose her memories.”