Authors: V. Murphy
Chapter 12
Harper
It was like I was
just going through the motions of everyday life on auto-pilot. There was no living for me. The days all started to mesh together, and everything seemed like a blur once I got into a rhythm and routine of living without Ryder. I was going straight from school to my apartment. I couldn’t even call it home anymore because that’s not what it felt like. Home still felt like it was with Ryder…
I thought about him…almost every
day. Even if I tried not to think about him, he would always permeate the depths of my brain. He was always with me, stuck in my head. I couldn’t shake myself of him, even if I wanted to. So, the best type of coping skill I knew how to do was to become numb. I became frozen from all thoughts, and just continued to go through life like others expected of me.
It was like someone was pressing fast forward and I just kept moving. Seconds turned into minutes, which turned into days
, and weeks started to pass, and I didn’t even know what I was doing. I would go to school during the day, and come home at night to finish some homework. After my work was complete, I would watch some mind-numbing television show about women bickering about their stupid lives, and then go to bed. Rest and Repeat.
This was my life
since I got back from Texas. I hadn’t spoken to Ryder at all in the last couple weeks either. He tried calling a couple times right when we both got back, but I didn’t have it in me to pick up, and he hadn’t called since then. I would be lying if I said I was glad he stopped trying. Although the lack of trying just showed me that he doesn’t really care. Shit, he probably had already moved on to some second-hand bitch anyways. Hey, whatever floats his boat.
It’s just that…I miss
ed him. I really freaking missed him. I didn’t expect any of this to happen, and I kept replaying the scene with Kylee in my head. All I wanted to do was get that out of my head, but it keeps scrolling through my memories like a Rolodex.
It’s almost as if I
was living some sort of nightmare that kept repeating itself. I couldn’t go left, couldn’t dodge right—instead, I was sitting here stuck in the mud, trying to trudge out of this painful past that I lived in.
Skye ha
d tried to get my attention at school, and even tried to get me talking about the wedding, but I just put on a fake smile and usually something like “wow” or “that’s great Skye,” came out of my mouth. I just didn’t have the strength to say anything else to her, or anyone in general. I had started feeling kind of bad because I knew it’s wasn’t her fault, but I just didn’t feel like doing anything.
When my show
was over at night, I undo my bed and curl up in my plush sheets. Usually, I would grab one of my pillows, and that’s when the tears just pour out of my eyes. It’s like I knew this is my biggest mistake, but I couldn’t stop myself from continuing down this path. It felt most nights like the air was being sucked right out of my lungs, and I couldn’t breathe.
Some nights
, I was uncontrollable. I shook as if I was seizing, and my body couldn’t control itself. It let go and it took me a while to compose myself. I looked it up on the internet and it said I was experiencing panic attacks. I thought the mental illnesses ended with Tye and the depression I had then, but clearly I was wrong.
I guess I was wrong about my mental health in general. You can
’t just “get over” something like others kept telling me. When I was with Tye, everyone kept telling me that it was okay, and that I would eventually get over him—but they were wrong. Society was wrong. When you’ve had a broken your heart, once you have it under control it doesn’t mean everything is “fixed.” No, in fact, quite the opposite.
I think it
’s part of the reason why I had to leave Ryder. I thought that by falling in love with Ryder, he would be able to patch up the problems of my past…but I was wrong. No one else can fix you; you have to fix yourself. It’s a lesson I guess I had to learn the hard way. I didn’t want to have to rely on Ryder for happiness anyways.
I just thought that maybe Ryder would be by my side as I ventured
down the road of self-healing and finding myself, but once he broke that trust, there was no coming back from that. Trust was quintessential in any relationship, and I just felt so burned from him.
In the same sense
, I felt conflicted. I wanted him to be here next to me. I wanted to sit and hold his hand and let him kiss me on the forehead goodnight. I wanted to touch him at night.
There were nights w
hen I dreamed of his fingers slowly caressing me. I imagined his fingers skimming the outside of me, making his way inside, but teasing me first. I imagined Ryder there, speaking sweet nothings in my ear, causing me to reach the point where I could get wet all on my own by just imagining the things he whispered.
Oh
God, how I craved him pressing his talented wet lips against my sex. His mouth’s wetness colliding with my own, as his touch became fierce and aggressive. His fingers slipped inside of me, as I moaned out loud. It was almost as if I could feel him slamming his fingers against the walls inside of me.
I slowly mustered
up the courage and slipped my fingers into myself, moaning as I pictured Ryder’s blue eyes staring into mine as he pushed himself inside of me, making me wince at the size of him. I pictured his seductive smile slowly forming when he watched himself pleasure me, thrusting deeper inside of me. I pushed my fingers deeper into myself as I moaned, imagining Ryder slipping his tongue across my breasts, then lightly biting my nipples.
Instantly, I fe
lt a rush of cold come over me as I flick quickly against my clit. I use my free hand to lightly touch my naked breasts, and closed my eyes again, picturing Ryder’s rock-hard cock slamming into me, forcing me to scream. God damnit…yes!
I imagined him
picking me up and throwing me onto the counter in the bathroom, where I propped my legs up and he inserted himself inside of me. He grabbed onto my legs as he pushed roughly into my deepest parts. I imagined him pulling out and bending down to put his wet, warm tongue against me. I groaned as he tasted me from the inside out.
As I picture
d him licking me up, I pushed my fingers in farther and squeal as I hit my G-spot. I could feel it there, so I flicked my fingers in a circular motion that sent vibrations all the way up to my belly. The contractions were forceful, and the need to feel more was immanent in my body. The ministrations of my hungry fingers against the walls of my pussy sent me into a fury of excitement. I was quivering, turned on, and raw from the need for release.
I could
feel the pressure building inside of me, and suddenly, all I wanted to do was be able to orgasm all over the sheets. So, I closed my eyes, and once again, was greeted by the baby blue pools of Ryder’s eyes, and the large, fierce, and hard cock waiting for my wet pussy.
“I have waited for so long
, baby,” he groaned out, right before he slipped inside of me.
“Fuck. Me. Hard
!” I cried out between thrusts.
He slammed inside of me repeatedly
, ramming his large cock inside me, toying with my G-spot. I felt myself on the edge of letting go against him, but wanted this to continue, so I pushed through as he grunted louder, slamming against me.
There was a mirror behind us
, and I could see him watch himself fuck me; but I didn’t want him to have all the pleasure, so I flipped around and imagined watching myself as he inserted himself back into me from behind, grabbing my hips as I pushed against him. I pictured my face as I was getting fucked with pleasure, and contorting in such a way that I felt as if I was going to burst all around him.
I envisioned him making his “about to orgasm” face as he flipped me over once again
, and propped me against the sink. Finally, the pressure inside of me that was building with gentle ease, was too much to handle and I looked at him, both of us knowing what the other was thinking.
I pictured wrapping my legs against his hips as he pushed inside of me one last time. I felt my g-spot get rocked
, and I released all over his cock, writhing in such pleasure that my body was shaking all over. I imagined him roaring in that same pleasurable tone I just exhaled, and groan as warm liquid poured into my body
Just as I imagined all of this, I felt myself get wet all over my fingers. The release inside of me felt magical. I had never done something like that before. It was all sort of new and exciting for me. I can’t tell you how I felt after doing it all to myself, I just felt so empowered.
I got up and went to go just clean myself up a little bit but opted to hop into the shower to calm my body down from the intensity of my orgasm that just shot through my core.
As I got into the cold shower, I thought about how I had never really touched myself…down there before. It was such a freeing and reli
eving feeling to be able to do that to yourself. It felt as if I didn’t have to rely on a man to get pleasure. I could do it all myself without anyone else’s help. I felt like a new person.
As I grabbed the shower gel and started rubbing it all over my body, I was excited to realize that it was me who
had given myself the relief it needed. Granted, it was brought on by imagining Ryder in my head, but I did it all myself. Just like I was going to get through this breakup. I was going to do it all myself.
Fuck yes. I was going to be that stereotypical independent woman. Fuck Ryder. I didn’t need his dick to pleasure me. I could do it myself. I mean,
yes, I had to imagine his dick inside of me in order to turn myself on, but that was irrelevant…or was it?
Fuck. I
t was confusing and annoying to dwell on, so I just tried to put that thought out of my head. Suddenly, while I was in the shower, I heard my phone ring from the nightstand in my room. My heart skipped a beat and I was hoping that maybe it was Ryder, somehow telepathically getting my sexually frustrated vibes. There was just something in my gut that told me to get out of the shower and go check who was calling; so quickly, I washed off the soap and hopped on out.
I threw on a towel and
ran to my phone charging on the nightstand. I looked at the screen and shock rushed through my body.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
Why the fuck would this person be calling me? What would they want, or even have to say, to even begin to have the nerve to pick up the phone to call me. What would they even begin to say to make up for the pain they caused, and the relationship that was ruined because of their stupid thoughtless actions?
But I had to admit
, I was curious. So I picked up the phone and answered the call…
Chapter 13
Ryder
I tried to let her go. It was hard at first
, ‘cause I kept finding myself tryin’ to call her or touch her at night. But eventually I got the fuckin’ picture when she didn’t even bother pickin up. It’s been just a waste of a goddamn couple of weeks. All I can do is go through the motions of livin’, but she is always on my mind. She haunts my every thought. I would do anything to have my Harper Mae back in my arms.
How the hell do I know she’s not out there
fuckin’ other guys already? It made me disgusted to think that some sick fuck would be tryin’ to hit on
MY
woman. And the fact I couldn’t be there to help her out because she wouldn’t let me drove me insane. I knew I fucked up, but that shouldn’t have stopped her from loving me. In fact, nothing had stopped me from being madly head-over-heels in love with her.
In the meantime, I’
d been goin’ through the motions of life, and kept surfing longer and harder to ignore the fact I woke up without Harper layin’ there in my bed. The very scene I would ache to see wasn’t there for me, and I didn’t think it ever would be again.
I had a lot of time to think about the shit I pulled on Harper
, and it was fucked up of me. I shouldn’t have done it. I was disrespectin’ our relationship, and it wasn’t how I should have been actin’. I should have treated Harper like she was the fuckin’ queen of my castle. I should have respected her boundaries in our relationship, and I didn’t. I was selfish and not thinkin’ when I placed my lips anywhere near Kylee’s face.
Harper loved being kissed on the forehead. She did this cute little th
ing with her nose where she would wrinkle it up in order to signal that she wanted to be kissed there.
Shit. I missed those cute little faces she made
, and I had no one else to blame but myself.
I put all my frustrations and general pissed off attitude into my surfing. My shit impressed Finn
, and tonight he was finally going to treat me to a night out. His exact words were more like:
“Brah, let
’s go pick up some ladies and get your balls back before they sink farther up into you. Time to celebrate the mad waves you’ve been taking out there.”
Finn was a fuckin
’ joke, but even he had been acting weird as fuck lately. As much as he jokes around and shit, he kept tiptoeing around me. Probably ‘cause he knew before I went to Texas, he over-spoke when his drunk ass told Harper about me going out there with Kylee. I was still pissed about that, but whatever. We were “bros” so it’s a ‘move on’ kinda moment.
The night was already slow
, and I dropped Evelyn off at Kylee’s, who was surprisingly very abrupt about the whole situation. When I pulled my truck into her driveway to drop off Evelyn, she was already outside waitin’ for me.
“Come on
, Evie. Let’s go. Say goodbye to Daddy.” She brushed me off like I wasn’t even there.
“Hello to you too
, Kylee.” I said sarcastically.
“Ryder.” She said coolly
, while grabbing Evelyn out of her car seat and snatching up her backpack.
“Always a pleasant experience seeing you
,” I barked.
“I hear you are going out with Finn tonight?”
she asked, clearly changing subjects.
“Sure am. What’s it to you?” I questioned.
“Oh, just heard you were. Well, good luck.” She winked and walked away.
What the fuck? I swear to
God I think that chick is fucking crazy. I never understood her when we were married, and I certainly didn’t understand a damn thing she said now.
I pulled my truck ou
t of her driveway and drove to the bar where I was meeting Finn. Tryin’ to shake what that crazy bitch said, I was focused on getting to the bar and getting a damn beer. I was sick of women constantly fucking with my mind. One second she was rubbing up on me like a cat in heat, and the next, she was all about this new man of hers. Who, I might add, remains a fucking mystery to all.
When I finally pulled up to the bar, I threw the clutch into park and walked into the dive to find Finn sittin’ in the corner with two Bud’s on the table.
“Hey, bro. What’s up?” he shouted over the loud music coming from the DJ booth in the corner.
“Fuckin’ Kylee. Crazy motherfuckin’ bitch.” I was so pissed that I pounded the beer.
Finn surprised me with his reaction; it was weird because his face suddenly turned completely blank. He just sat there drinking his beer silently. I half expected him to agree with me, but he just sat there, so I decided to change the topic, because clearly, he wasn’t about the shit-talking.
But hey, that was Finn
. Sometimes he could be a real obnoxious piece of shit, and other times, he was all about getting along with everyone. Some kumbaya bullshit, or along those lines, ya know?
“I haven’t heard from Harper.”
He perked up a little bit, and was glad I had shifted the conversation. Fuckin’ weirdo.
“
Why don’t you go out and find yourself another lady, my man?” Finn asked.
“Because there is no one else for me
, dude. When you are in love, there is no one else who can replace the person who is in your every damn thought, and for me, that’s Harper.”
“Dude, you haven’t even tried to mack on any other girls. I think it
’s time. I have a little competition we should do.” Finn’s eyes looked mischievous, and I knew the bastard was up to something, but I played along for the sake of continuing the conversation, and providing some sort of entertainment for the night.
“Aight
, dude. Lay it on me. Let’s play your little fuckin’ game,” I half-mocked in his accent.
“Okay, don’t get feisty now.” He laughed but continued with what he was sayin’. “Now
, you gotta go pick up the girl of my choosing here. You cannot say no. You gotta buck up and do it. I don’t give a fuck about Harper or what she might think because, dude, you’re not with her, so you gotta branch out.”
This
was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to show Harper that I needed her back in my life, not pick up some strange girl. Plus, with the wedding, I learned my lesson that picking up girls doesn’t mean that Harper won’t stop by at any given moment. And it would kill me for her to see me talking to some chick, when really all I wanted to be doing was talking to her.
“I don’t know, man. I think it’s a pretty fuckin’ stupid idea.” I confessed truthfully.
I honestly wasn’t into tryin’ to pick up other chicks. I wanted one girl in my life, and that girl didn’t want me back; so I was going to sit here and wait my entire life if I had to, in order to convince Harper that I needed her in my life.
“Just for shits and giggles.” Finn laughed and pounded the rest of his beer. He waved over the waitress
, who came bouncing over with her perky round tits popping out of her shirt.
“My buddy here is newly single,” he started talking to the attractive waitress
, but he kept glancing over at me, “and he needs a couple of your best shots because he needs to loosen the fuck up.”
She laughed and started to turn away
, but not until Finn stopped her and pulled her back.
“He also needs to grow his balls back and start flirting with some girls. Now, you are a girl
; so tell us, which girl in this bar is going to talk to my man Ryder?”
Ah, here was
the douchebag-Finn that I knew and fucking loved. I knew this son of a bitch would eventually come out.
The girl just laughed and smiled at me. “He shouldn’t have any problems picking up any ladies in the bar here.” She winked and walked away to grab our shots that Finn had so graciously ordered for me. What an asshole.
“Come on dude, just one girl. I am not telling you to go over there and sleep with her; just get your juices flowin’ a little and go talk to her. There isn’t anything wrong with flirting. It never harmed
anyone
,” he emphasized, and practically pushed me off my stool.
“Alright
, Finn. I’ll have one conversation, but after that, I want you off my D, dude. I ain’t sleeping with no one, and if the girl is a total bimbo, I am getting the fuck outta there,” I announced.
“Yeah buddy!” Finn pounded my fist and started to look around the bar to pick, I am assuming, the hottest chick at the dive.
“Them.” I looked to where he was pointing and saw a blonde chick who looked oddly like Kylee, with much bigger and faker tits. I didn’t know what Finn’s fascination with blondes was, or what his deal with girls lookin’ like Kylee was, but I shrugged and walked over there after grabbing the two shots the waitress had just brought over. If he was going to make me flirt with these girls, the least he could do was provide the drinks we were going to drink.
“Hey there
,” I drawled out, emphasizing my accent that I know girls swoon over. She looked up and giggled emphatically.
“Hey.” She smiled and
stared up at me.
“Shots?” I asked. I hated this whole forced
-flirting thing. It was fuckin’ hard, man. Girls had it so easy. Guys would just come up to them and start talking, but dudes had to actually come up with conversation and have the balls to see it through. We had to make sure we didn’t sound like self-proclaimed douchebags, but then again, we didn’t want to sound like fuckin’ pussies either. Guys have to search the situation out and make sure the girls weren’t there just to have a girl’s night. It was fuckin’ hard. Too damn hard to pick up a damn chick.
“Sure.” She laughed
, and her friends backed away slowly from the table once they realized I was talking to their friend. We drank our shots, and then introduced ourselves to each other.
Turns out
, she was a graduate student at one of the local colleges here. Her name was Morgan, and she was born and raised in San Diego. She had recently been divorced, like myself, and had two kids back at home. Her friends had forced her out of the house, sort of like Finn. We actually had a pretty good time talkin’, and from where Finn was sittin’, it probably looked like we were going to get together. But both of us had this unspoken truth that neither of us was really lookin’ to do anything but talk.
After about a half hour or so, what I thought was completely appropriate
, I headed back to where Finn was watching the game. I shook her hand, and thanked Morgan for the conversation. It was sort of what I really needed.
I needed to know that women weren’t always out there for men
, and that I was capable of talking to a woman just to have a conversation with them. It was something I needed to know to convince myself that I couldn’t love anyone else but Harper.
There was no one else out there in th
e world I would have rather been with, except Harper. During Morgan and my conversation, it was nice to talk to someone else, but I couldn’t be with anyone else physically or emotionally. I wasn’t capable of loving anyone but Harper. I needed her with me all the time, every day. I thought of her constantly. She was the light of my every moment. Finn was just goin’ to have to be pissed that I didn’t put out. It wasn’t for me.
“Dude, did you score?” Finn asked
, as I walked over to where he was watching the game.
“No way
, man. I told you. There is no one else for me but Harper. She’s got herself fuckin’ twisted around my heart as fucked up as that sounds.”
Finn did something I didn’t expect at all. He shook his head and nodded. Before he spoke, he took a sip of his beer.
“I need to tell you something, dude.” He knocked off the rest of the beer and waved to the waitress, indicating he wanted another round.
“What’s up?” I asked with some concern. There were
very few times when I saw Finn serious. Once was when he told me he thought about leaving his good job to surf professionally, and the other was when he told me the story about how his dad died in a surf accident when he was a kid. Other than that, the dude had been the buddy who could make me laugh hysterically. He was never the serious type. Just a buddy.
“Don’t freak out
, man.” His other beer arrived, and it was clear he was starting to feel the buzz of the booze.
“What the fuck?” I asked.
“I need to tell you something about Kylee.”
“You know why the bitch was actin
’ crazy as fuck?” I asked.
“Promise me
, dude, that you won’t freak out. I have known you for years now. It would be really shitty if what I am about to tell you is going to ruin our friendship. Plus, I want to be able to live so I can kick your ass in the surf competition that’s coming up,” Finn half-joked.
“You
’re startin’ to act like a goddamn pussy, so tell me what the fuck is goin’ on before I walk outta this bar.”
“Okay, ok
ay. I am going to start off by telling you the whole story from the beginning. It was the night after all that shit went down with Harper, when I sorta spilled the beans about Texas. Well, when you guys left, my drunk ass stumbled to this smaller classy-ass bar downtown. I recognized Kylee and walked over there, because honestly, I wasn’t thinking.”