Strapped: A Second Chance Mafia Romance (6 page)

1
5
^th
December 2010

T
he last couple
of weeks have been like torture. Marco hasn’t been at school at all, and he’s completely ignored me every time I’ve tried to contact him, and in every way too. He won’t answer my messages or calls, he never seems to be home, and he hasn’t been online at all, not even once – not that he ever was much really, but still... it’s odd. It’s as if he’s just vanished from the face of the Earth, and it’s driving me crazy.

I thought that today would be different, I assumed that whatever reason he has for ignoring me would be overridden by what this day is, but it seems like my naive hope was wrong. Today is my birthday, and he still hasn’t been in touch. We had all these plans, we were going to do all of these cool things, and instead I find myself alone and completely devastated. Marco Fabbri has absolutely shattered my heart into one million pieces, and I don't even know what to do with myself.

I sit on the edge of my bed, willing the tears to fall, just to prove that I can feel something, but nothing is happening. It’s as if my insides have frozen over, and they’re too numb to experience anything anymore. It’s as if I’m nothing more than a shell of my former self.

“Knock, knock,” my dad calls through the door, in that patronizing tone that he’s started to use recently. “Can I come in, sweetie?”

No, I think.

“Yes,” I say.

He walks in, quickly displaying a smug smile. This should have my hackles rising and my warning bells on alert, but I’m too numb to feel anything – all I can do is look up at him blankly, like an idiot, waiting for him to get to whatever his point is.

“You okay, dad?” I ask, suddenly noticing how monotone my voice sounds. “Is everything alright?”

“I actually have some really good news for you – for all of us.” He waits for a moment, as if to build the anticipation, all the while I rock lightly back and forth, desperately wanting this to be over already. “I have been offered a job in Jackson, in Wyoming. It’s more prestigious than what I do now, so the money will be better. I know this is a tough time for you at school, but I’ve already checked out the education system there and it’s amazing...”

“What does mom think?” I interrupt, already needing a way to put an end to this. My mom loves New York – there’s no way she will want to move to some small town in the middle of nowhere!

I don't even know how to feel about all of this – it’s almost unbelievable, so if I put a stop to it before it can really begin, then I won’t have to even consider it, never mind process what it might mean for me.

“She’s very keen to move,” he replies firmly, as if that settles the matter. “She agrees with me that we all need a fresh start.”

With that comment, I instantly know what this is really about. This has nothing do with any job or school or change of life – this is to keep me away from Marco once and for all. He doesn’t realize that his warnings don't matter anyway, Marco is avoiding me anyway.

“No,” I insist quickly, shaking my head vigorously. “I don’t want to go.”

“Look, love,” he talks to me as if I’m a child. “This really isn’t about you.” He’s lying, but I squeeze my lips shut, knowing that arguing will only get him to dig his heels in deeper. “This is about all of us. We all need this. And to be honest, sweetie, it doesn’t really seem like you have anything keeping you here anyway. Your boyfriend is no longer in the picture, you don't seem to spend much time with that friend of yours anymore, and your grades aren’t what they used to be.” He stuns me with this admission – mostly because he’s accurate. It really doesn’t seem like I have anything to keep me here anymore... except for the promise that maybe one day I’ll be able to get Marco back. “So there really is no point in disputing this. It’s happening, so the quicker you adjust the better for all us.”

As he walks from the room, the emotion finally rises to the surface and the tears spill violently down my cheeks. This has to be the worst birthday of my entire life – not only am I having to leave my whole life behind while it’s so up in the air, but I’m also losing Marco forever – without even having the opportunity to say goodbye.

* * *

2
^nd
October 2014

W
hat the hell
am I doing?
I think over and over again as my legs carry me towards the old record shop where Marco took me on our second date all those years ago. We searched through the records for hours, discussing music and finding out that we actually had something really solid in common. We might have come from completely different backgrounds, but we could bond over our love of classic rock. We shared our favorite songs with one another and laughed for hours, growing closer with every passing second.

It felt really natural when he finally kissed me for the very first time, like it was absolutely meant to happen, and after that day we never looked back.

I don't know why Marco has asked me to meet him here after the terrible way that things ended last night, but I can’t deny to myself that I’m intrigued. That’s why I’ve pulled some clothes on and I’m walking through the street at God-knows-what hour to see him. I need to hear what he has to say, I feel like I really owe it to both of us to give this a full chance before we can decide what we’re going to do. After what happened last time, I don't want to have any regrets in my life, not anymore.

As I see him there, leaning up against the door, with his tailored suit curved around his body, my heart skips about ten beats. He’s so damn handsome that it actually makes my heart hurt, and it makes me fear for what I’m doing here.

“Hi,” I say nervously, stepping closer to him. “How are you?”

“Yeah,” he nods, flickering his eyes up and down me. “Yeah, I’m good... you?”

“Erm, yeah, I’m okay.” I glance towards the record shop, picturing the scene of our second date. I visualize it so clearly that it’s almost as if I can see teenage Marco and Olivia in there, smiling and giggling with one another, staring at each other with such a shining love and promise that it almost makes me want to cry. That version of us was filled with such a naive hope, and knowing where that led us breaks my heart. “So this is a little... unexpected,” I tell him, wanting to change the subject.

“Yeah...” He follows my eye line and gets the same misty-eyed expression that I’m sure I’m wearing. “It is... shall we go for a walk instead?”

“Sure,” I follow behind him, still wondering what the point of this meeting is. He hasn’t really explained anything, which makes me wonder if it’s just another spur of the moment thing. I decide to myself that even if it is just that, I’ll get the truth one way or another.

He takes me to a nearby bench and sits down, indicating that I should follow him, which I do. His body heat next to mine has my heart pounding noisily and my mind slowly switching itself off. Being this close to Marco makes me feel like an empty shell of myself – no sense, only feelings. It’s as if he makes me a little dumber, just a slave to my feelings, and even when I need to keep my head together, I can’t.

I remain still, waiting for him to speak, but it doesn’t take long before I realize that he hasn’t got anything to say. Instead, he’s already leaning in, pursing his lips, ready to kiss me. At first, I think I’m going to refuse, to push him away, but he has such a magnetic pull on me that I find myself unable to resist. I find myself leaning in, ready to meet him, eager to feel him pressed up against me once more.

We kiss for a while. It starts off tender and sweet, but quickly a passion overtakes and we find ourselves growing increasingly entangled in one another. It isn’t decent for being in a public place, but I don't even care. There is an intense need growing within me and I want to satisfy it right away.

“Wait,” Marco says, quickly pulling back panting. “Wait, just a minute.”

“What?” I reply in frustration.
What the hell is he playing at now?

“Do you
really
want to know what I do?” He asks, with a seriousness in his voice.

I gulp down a massive ball of emotion, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to say now. Of course I desperately want to know, but at the same time I’m afraid. I know it isn’t going to be good and I’m terrified that it will change everything.

“Yes,” I whisper. “Tell me.”

My whole body begins shaking and I wrap my arms tighter around me, as I wait for him to speak once more.

“I am in the mafia,” he tells me honestly. “I have been ever since we broke up. I live a life of crime, and it isn’t always pretty.”

“What?” I gasp, sliding backwards. “What the hell are you saying?” Although I always suspected that it would be something along those lines, it’s terrifying to have it confirmed. I cannot actually believe that this guy – a man that I’ve always loved – is the absolute worst version of himself.

“I have to tell you now before we get into this thing too deep. You need to know everything, to understand before we go any further with this. That’s who I am now, and if you can’t handle that, then we both need to know now.”

Can I handle it?
I wonder, staring into his eyes. I already know for a fact that if it was anyone else saying these things to me, I would be gone like a shot, but it isn’t just anyone. It’s Marco Fabbri – the one that got away, the love of my life, the one that I spent days fantasizing about marrying.

Now he’s here, and I have a shot, but I don't know what to do.

“I... I have to go,” I finally spit out, standing up. “This is... it’s crazy. I need some time to think.”

“Right,” he replies quietly, throwing his head into his hands. “Of course you do.”

My head is screaming at me to go, but my heart is tugging at me, wanting me to stay. In the end, the rational side of me wins out, and I find myself practically running down the street while my brain attempts to process what I just learned.

Marco is in the mafia, living a life of crime.

He kills people for his job. The blood belonged to somebody – a person that he murdered.

He wants me – but I honestly don't think that I can be a part of that life.

When I think back to the boy that he once was, the one that actually tried to work hard to achieve his dreams, before his friends got their claws into him and sent him down the wrong path, my heart bleeds. That’s the boy I fell in love with, and I’m sure that deep down, even after all that he’s done, that Marco is still in there somewhere.

The only problem is, that boy won’t resurface ever, if he doesn’t want him to.

1
5
^th
December 2010

K
nowing what day this is
, and knowing that I have to ignore it – to have to act like it means absolutely nothing to me – is killing me. The fact that Olivia has texted me to remind me that we were supposed to be having the most wonderful day ever, reminding me of just one of the promises that I’m going to break, is tearing me up inside.

But it’s too late to look back now. I’ve made my decision, and I’ve solidified that. I’m in the mob, I’m already working jobs for them, and that’s the direction that my future will go. My grandma looks at me differently and I’m forcing Olivia away – this move is costing me the two people that I love more than anything in the world, but it’s done now. That’s all there is to it.

Grandma pushes my bedroom door open, without even bothering to knock, and from the weary expression that’s plastered across her face, I can already tell that I’m not going to like the next words out of her mouth before she even says them.

“I can’t keep her away any longer,” she says in a monotone tone of voice. “And to be honest, when you hear what she has to say, you’ll understand why I let her in, so before you jump down my throat about not listening to your request, just take a minute to talk to her.”

Her.

She can only mean one person by that – Olivia.

Any argument that I might have dies on my lips as she stalks into my bedroom, red with fury. My heart instantly starts to beat faster and I can feel a tremble creeping up my body. This, right now, this is why I’ve had to keep away. Liv is the only one who has the power to shake everything up, to make me change my mind all over again – even knowing that it’s impossible.

But I can’t.

I have to let her go, even if it kills me.

As grandma creeps away, leaving me only with Olivia for company, the rage that she’s so obviously been bottling up inside comes screaming out. “Have you never cared about me?” She asks, fury dripping off her tongue. “Have I never meant anything to you?”

Yes, I think. You mean the world – I love you more than words can say, which is why I’m putting you through this pain. It’s for your own good. You need to walk away before you start to resent me.

But of course I don't say any of that aloud. I bite my lip and keep it all inside.

“It’s my birthday, and you continue to act like I don’t exist,” she starts pacing up and down my tiny room, tossing her hands in the air in frustration. “You don’t answer my calls, my texts, my emails... nothing. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

She waits for me to apologize, to explain myself away, but I stubbornly refuse. In my head I remind myself of what I am, just to keep me strong. I’m trash, I’m from the gutter, the best I can hope for is a life of crime. Liv has a real shot at making something of herself and I cannot be the one who drags her down.

“Well, you don’t have to worry anymore...” her emotions change as anger gives way to sadness. Tears fill her eyes and I have to really restrain myself from going over to hug her. “My dad has gotten some job in some tiny ass town all the way across the country, probably in the middle of nowhere, I don’t even know.” She folds her arms across her chest, protecting herself from the outside world as the water finally starts to leak down her cheeks. “So I’ll be out of the picture soon enough. You’ll never see me again.”

She stares at me, waiting for a reaction, so I steel my expression, not letting any of the pain from inside show. This might be killing me, it might be the worst thing that’s ever happened, but it’ll be the best thing for both of us in the long run. If we’re nowhere near each other, then we won’t be tempted to go back, and we can finally lead the lives we were always supposed to lead.

“Aren't you going to say anything?” She all but yells. “All this time together and we’re reduced to this? I tell you that I’m leaving forever and you don’t even give enough of a shit to answer me?”

I do, I think, I don't want you to go, but I have to keep silent. I can’t say a single damn word for fear of the whole truth spilling out.

The rage consumes her once more, and she starts to shove me. She’s so petite and frail against my massive frame that even all of her strength doesn’t impact on me, but I stumble back anyway, just to allow her to get some of the frustration out.

“I hate you,” she starts punching as I hit the wall behind me, pummelling my chest, and I just stand there and let her do it, wishing that I could feel the physical pain that she wants me to feel, knowing that I deserve it. “You’re a fucking dickhead,” she screams through the sobs, and it takes all that I have to stop myself from weeping too.

Not yet, not while she’s still here.

“I just... I just...” She collapses against me, allowing the sadness to rack through her body. I keep my arms pinned back against the wall, despite the fact that they are desperate to reach out and hug her. “I just love you so much, and I wish that things didn’t turn out this way.” She looks up into my eyes, pleadingly, lovingly and I gulp down the painful ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “I love you... and you love me, right?”

She’s offering me a solution, a way out. If I tell her that I love her too, then we can work together to fight everything around us. It won’t be easy, but we’ll make it work somehow. I want that, I want it so fucking badly that it tears me up inside, but I can’t have it. I just can’t. I don't deserve that kind of happiness, I don't deserve to have Liv, to keep her away from the world.

So I continue to stay silent.

“Right,” she finally announces, moving back from me and wiping away her tears. “Well, your silence says it all, so I’m going to go...” she steps away slowly, still giving me another shot. When I don't take it, she speaks out again. “I guess that this is goodbye then,” she finishes, before spinning on her heels and stalking from my life forever.

At first I feel frozen to the spot, unable to move, but suddenly my body snaps into action and I race to the front room window, just to watch her walk away.

“You’re going to regret that,” I jump as grandma’s voice booms out from behind me. I turn to look at the utter despair written across her face, which instantly sends horrible cold bolts of guilt racing right through me. “That girl is the best chance that you’ve ever had at life, and you’ve thrown her away for a whole bunch of silliness,” the way that she sneers about the decisions I’ve made makes me feel even worse about them than I already do. I want to argue, to present all of the reasons that Johnny did to me when he convinced me to join up, but they all sound stupid now, even in my own head. “Now...” she shakes her head, looking down at the ground. “Well, I don't even know what you’re going to do with yourself now.”

As she walks away from me too, leaving another piece of my heart trampled across the floor, I somehow know that will be the last honest conversation that I ever have with my grandmother.

* * *

3
^rd
October 2014

“
I
... I have to go. This is... it’s crazy. I need some time to think.”

Olivia’s last words after I told her what I do with my life swirl around in my mind, somehow bringing me back to that final conversation I actually had about my life with my grandmother. After that day, things continued to go downhill until just over a year later when she finally passed away. I thought that was the most difficult thing that I would ever have to go through, but it seems like life has some pain left for me yet.

Deep down, I knew that Liv would react that way – it was why I let her go in the first place – but that wasn't to say that her rejection didn’t sting. In fact, it cut real deep, down to the core of me, opening a hole that I thought I’d sealed up long ago.

I try to remind myself that I don't give a fuck, that I’ve been living the life I want to all this time, and that this changes nothing, but somehow the words sound hollow even in my mind.

“Hey, you,” Talia calls over to me in a much colder tone of voice than she usually uses, proving that she’s still pissed about my rejection. “Your phone has been ringing like crazy for ages – will you shut the fucking thing up, for fuck’s sake?”

I grab it from my pocket, suddenly remembering where I am, and my heart sinks when I see Carmine’s name written across the screen, knowing that I’m gonna be in shit.

“He...”

“Fabbri, what the fuck are you taking so long for?” He snaps, not even letting me get my greeting out. “I have a job for you – to make up for the fuck-up the other night.” I purse my lips together, remembering the reason for that. Olivia, sitting in Jesters, looking like a freaking angel. “That fucking scum shite Dazza still hasn’t paid up, so I want him dead. He’s had more fucking chances than anyone I know thanks to you... so this time I need it done. He’s at Jesters again, so get there now.”

Oh God, does he really have to be there of all places?

“Okay boss,” I answer him, ignoring my thoughts. “I’m on it.”

“Not alone, you aren’t. I need you to take a couple of the older boys with you, just to pick up where you leave off,
if
you fuck up again.”

“I won’t...” I try, but he isn’t going to be swayed.

“Who’s there?”

I flick my eyes around the room, knowing that I have to pick a couple of the more experienced boys, the ones who have been in this game longer than I have, to keep Carmine happy. “Erm... Luke and Diego?”

“They will do,” he replies, before snapping off his phone.

I sigh deeply before going and grabbing the guys in question, really wishing I could just do this by myself. Luke is okay, but Diego is quite surly. I’ve heard that he used to be a lot of fun, but that something happened to change that.

I don't ask what though, sometimes it’s best not to know.

We arrive at Jesters quickly, and it takes all that I have to keep my head in the game, to not think only of Olivia. I wait in the nearby alleyway and send the others in to grab Dazza, so I don’t recall her face sitting at that bar, and I really tune the lowlife out as his pleads for his life on his knees on the dirty ground. I get so in the zone, focusing only on what needs to be done, that it isn’t until I’ve already pulled the trigger and ended this sad sap’s life that I heard footsteps coming from right behind me.

“Fuck,” Diego mutters as I spin around to discover who this witness is. “What the fuck are we going to do now?”