Read Suck It Up and Die Online
Authors: Brian Meehl
Suck It Up and Die (5 page)
With Zoë pedaling hard, they covered twenty blocks before a red light made her hit the brakes. They stopped next to a sprawling studio complex. The studio’s huge billboard bragged
HOME OF AMERICA’S #1 SHOW: THE SHADOW
, and displayed a picture of the show’s beautiful host, Rachel Capilarus. Her model-thin arms were thrown wide, and her billion-dollar smile seemed to shout, “C’mon, world! Hug me like a shadow!”
Zoë checked out the billboard and turned back to Morning. “Every guy in the world must look at her and totally vasodilate, right?” As Morning chuckled, Zoë’s face set in her least used expression: serious. “Do you ever think you picked the wrong girl?”
She was referring to Rachel Capilarus, the vampire who had graduated in the same class as Morning from Leaguer Academy, the school where vampires learned to overcome their dark desires and mothball their bloodlusting ways.
True, he’d once had a big crush on Rachel, but now the only thing he liked about her was that she was eclipsing his pin spot of fame with the floodlight of her hit TV show.
He answered Zoë, knowing whatever he said would get back to Portia. “No regrets; I picked the right girl.” He wasn’t lying. He looked up at the towering picture of Rachel and answered her come-to-me gesture with a frown. Yeah, she was still eye candy, but the wrapper had changed.
Back at the Academy, Rachel had been a stunning warrior princess with raven-black hair who even the most hunky prince was intimidated by. After American Out Day she had done an extreme makeover. She changed her wardrobe from tight dresses and curve-flaunting Under Armour to the floaty, multilayered style of bohemian chic: the Olsen twins in pastels. Her posture had gone from head high, shoulders back, to stooped. Morning figured she wanted to look shorter, more demure. She had softened her voice, and while she used to speak in complete sentences, she now flitted from thought to thought like a hummingbird allergic to nectar. Even though Morning didn’t trust a girl who changed that much, he had a theory as to why she had.
Rachel had scanned the mortal landscape and seen the fear many Lifers still had of vampires, even though the vast majority had become harmless Leaguers. She observed the disarming effect Morning’s wimpy vamp had on Lifers, and took a lesson. She was going to take nonthreatening to a new level. She would kill the last vestiges of vampirophobia with kooky kindness. So she cast off her warrior-princess armor and donned the flowy pastels of fairy queen. She waved a wand and,
poof
, Joan of Arc became Lady Gaga without the glitz. As a free spirit oozing loopy optimism and self-empowerment, she offered a new incarnation of
the fangless vampire. By taking harmless to new heights, Rachel was the last vampire anyone could imagine doing something as icky as drinking blood. And if she actually popped fangs, not to worry; she would collapse in a fit of blushing giggles.
Rachel had not performed this makeover alone, or been able to launch
The Shadow
on her own, because of the restrictions facing Leaguers. Her Lifer partner in wild success was Penny Dredful, owner of Diamond Sky PR, which had performed its own transformation to Diamond Sky Productions. While Penny’s company’s name had changed, her daughter’s name had not:
Portia
Dredful.
Morning wasn’t the only Leaguer who had watched Rachel’s meteoric rise to fame with misgivings. Luther Birnam was concerned for different reasons. When
The Shadow
started to become a runaway hit, he had posted a blog on the IVL website that was For Leaguers Only (FLO).
LURKING IN THE SHADOW
As your president, I am not a dictator. I do not tell Leaguers what they can or cannot do. My role has always been as a guide leading Leaguers out of the dark wood of our past, the
selva obscura
, and into the light of freedom. As your guide, it is my duty to tell you when you have wandered off that path and veered back toward the dark wood.
I have only seen
The Shadow
once. For those of you who have not seen it, here’s how it works.
The season began with a group of Leaguer vampires brought together by the host, Rachel Capilarus. In each episode these contestants are given the same category, such as a job title, a workplace, or an industry. Each Leaguer is given three days and followed by a camera crew as he or she gets permission to shadow a worker in the selected category and learns about the worker’s goals so the vampire can then CD into something that helps the worker and/or company succeed.
At the end of an episode, Rachel judges the efforts of the various “shadows.” The least successful one is presented with a wooden stake and eliminated from the show. During the season, shadows will be eliminated until only one remains. Whoever becomes “top shadow” will win a trophy, fame, and
the opportunity to be recruited by a corporation so the company can profit from his or her CDing skills.
While
The Shadow
and these CDing Leaguers have yet to break the letter of the law (using their skills to compete directly against Lifers in business and sports for their own profit), they are breaking the
spirit
of the law. Worse,
The Shadow
is sending a terrible message to Lifers:
We want to exploit our CDing skills and glorify our differences with Lifers; we are vampires first, responsible citizens second
. This is
not
the message we should be sending as we fight for passage of the Vampire Rights Act.
For this reason, I am asking all Leaguers to boycott
The Shadow
. I ask you to not participate in it or watch it, and to tell your Lifer friends that the vast majority of Leaguers obey the third Leaguer commandment: “You shall not frighten Lifers with your powers.” That includes not CDing unless in the event of a life-threatening situation to a fellow human being.
Your guide,
Luther Birnam
The ShadowWhile Morning had read the post when it first came out and had wanted to join the boycott, he couldn’t. Watching
The Shadow
was one of his date nights with Portia.
Besides loving the show for its cheesy entertainment value, Portia watched it for “research” on her senior film project, a documentary on Leaguers since American Out Day. While the doc she had made the year before,
Morning McCobb: The Jackie Robinson of the Vampire League
, had won several awards and guaranteed her admission to the film school of her choice, she had to make another doc to graduate from LaGuardia Arts.
The motion of Zoë’s pedicab starting up again burst the bubble of Morning’s thoughts.
Zoë pumped the pedals and they picked up speed. “You saw the show last week, right?”
“The
Shadow
?”
She scoffed at his spaciness. “No,
Hot Goth Biker Chicks
. Of course
The Shadow
!”
“I missed it.”
“What? I thought it was sure-thing TV for you and Portia.”
“We had to study.”
Zoë summarized the episode Morning had missed with the same energy she pedaled with, and she didn’t stop for spoiler alerts. “It was the best one yet! The category was ‘boat captain’ and the top shadow ended up being Jeremy. He hooked up with a marine salvage company that’s been diving for a lost treasure in the Hudson for years. Then Jeremy CDed into a three-foot sea worm, went burrowing in the river bottom, and found the sixteen hundred silver bars treasure hunters have been chasing since 1903. The find was worth twenty-seven million!”
“That’s great,” Morning said flatly. “I wonder how the other treasure hunters feel about vampires now?”
“Are you kidding? They’re probably trying to hire ’em to turn into sea worms for them, too, so they can find other sunken treasures.” She shot a frown at her passenger. “You know what you’re problem is, A.M.? You look to the future and see doom and gloom. If you ask me, it’s totally unfair.”
“What’s unfair about it?”
“That immortality gets wasted on the shortsighted. I mean, if you’d just turn me, I’d show you what vampires could do!”
“Okay”—Morning flicked a hand at her—“
poof
, you’re a vampire. What would you do?”
“For starters, I’d get on
The Shadow
next season, and while I was making my run to the winner’s circle I’d turn every vampirophobe into a vampirophile. If the category was ‘water department,’ I’d become a rat, inspect all the
city’s water mains and find the ones that were about to break, and no one would ever have their water shut off again. If the assignment was ‘nuclear containment,’ I’d hook up with the CIA, turn into a camel, and find every secret nuclear processing plant in Iran!”
Morning laughed at Zoë’s wild imagination. “I promise if I ever turn anyone, it’ll be you.”
She hit the brakes and spun around. “You mean that? You’d flip me before you flipped Portia?”
He gave her a stern look. “
That
I will
never
do.”
“Never say never.”
He shuddered at the thought, which spurred the memory of the night he almost did worse than turn Portia. He hopped out of the pedicab.
“Where are you going?” Zoë protested. “We’ve got another ten blocks.”
He checked his cell to make sure he had enough time. “Thanks for saving my butt, ZZ, but I wanna walk. See you at the parade.” He started away.
“I’m not going.”
He turned back. “What? The number-one vampire fan is gonna miss the Vampire Pride Parade?”
“Yep. Fanpire Tours has an after-school booking.”
“With who?” he asked suspiciously.
She broke into a sly smile. “I’m not sure, but on the phone he sounded like a badass vampire who might tip me with a couple of fangs.”
Morning started toward her. “Don’t do it, Zoë.”
She pushed off with a laugh and leaned into the pedals. “Hey, if you don’t wanna be my friend with blood benefits, maybe I’ll have to find another.” She threw a wave. “Later, vasodilator!”
Sister FloraWhen Morning reached his narrow street off Delancey, it was jammed with people. His stomach tightened. The only time he had really enjoyed his fame was when he and Birnam were invited to the White House to meet the president. They all shared a beverage in the Rose Garden in what the press had dubbed the “Blood Lite Summit.” That was cool.