Surreptitious (London) (9 page)

He didn’t respond with words, he just pulled me tighter against him, placed his hand on my cheek and kissed my hair.
BEST. DAY. EVER.

Chapter
fifteen

Jackson

After I’d dropped Taylor off at her place, I drove straight home and found Harper sitting on my sofa clasping her hands in her lap and looking nervous.

“What’s up Harp? Mase here?” I asked and she responded in what sounded like gibberish because she was talking so fast...

“Um, yeah...well no...he’s not now...he was here though, he said it was ok if I waited for you. I hope it is...he said it would be. I didn’t just like, not go home, I wanted to wait for you to talk to you but Mase said he had to go the club since you were out and I like...I really needed to speak to you. I didn’t touch anything, I just waited here, even though Mase said you wouldn’t care, but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t and I just sat here yeah?”
What the hell?!

“Whoa, Harp, take a deep breath and slow down! I don’t care that you’re here! You can always come here. So what’s up?”

“I think you should leave Taylor alone.” She blurted and my brows knitted together.

“You want me to leave Taylor alone?!” I repeated slowly.

“Yeah, I mean, no...well, not permanently. Just for like, a few days...she told me what she said to you outside the cinema and I think, no, I know...she doesn’t really know what she wants when it comes to you, because you’re always there regardless of how she acts with you. Think about it, right now, she can treat you how she wants because you’re trying to prove a point that you really like her and she’s different. So if you just like...stopped making an effort for a few days, she’d realise that she can’t get away with it. Wouldn’t she?”

“Well yeah, I guess she would. But what if it back fires? And she just ends up realising that she really doesn’t need or want me around?! Then I’m back to square one all over again!!” She bit her lip for a minute before responding.

“She won’t.” She stated firmly. Then explained...“Thing is with Taylor, she thinks she has to be strong, for us. But what she doesn’t realise is that, her ice facade is all an act. Hell, we’ve known it since the day she came out of hospital after her parents died. Our old Taylor is in there. Don’t get me wrong, she always looked out for us back then too, but it was
real
then. Taylor doesn’t know what real is anymore.” I attempted to speak but she talked over me.

“I have a plan, it’s a good plan, and you’re gonna help me do it, because it’s for you! I’m like 99.9% certain that it’s going to work. You just need to stick with what you’ve been doing. Just NOT for the next few days!”

She then sat there and explained her plan to me, all the while getting more and more excited! Again...Genius. She was a freaking genius! I strode over to her, picked her up and kissed her on the forehead and exclaimed...

“You’re a genius! And you’re right. Thank you.”

Taylor

FIVE DAYS. FIVE...WHOLE...DAYS without a word from him. Not...one...word. I missed him, so damn much and I knew it was my own fault, and I knew it was the best thing for me but I couldn’t help thinking...what if? What if I did let him in a bit? What if he was ‘the one’? I had a feeling, a soul clenching feeling that he really just might be that. But I’d promised myself,
swore
that I’d never go there again.

Our kisses were burnt into my brain; I went to bed every night and woke up every morning, thinking about them, thinking about our random days out...just thinking about
him
. I’ve only ever kissed three people, Harry Reynolds when I was fourteen and got roped in to playing a game of spin the bottle at a birthday party,
Matthew Grier
and we all know how that worked out...
motherfucker...
and now Jackson Brent – Mr Gorgeous, Mr Perfect...Mr
Amazing
.

I wanted his stupid gifts back, I wanted his night-time phone calls, I wanted his spark...I even wanted his cocky smirk back.
And I hate that cocky smirk.

The longer I spent without him, the worse it got. I thought it would get better, I thought after a couple of days that I’d be back to pre-Jackson, Taylor. But I was broken, my heart ached and I missed him. Really
really
missed him.

Harper picked up on this straight away and decided I needed a good drink and a night around my friends to help me feel better. So I walked to her flat and Jase was standing outside waiting for me, sometimes he did this, sometimes he didn’t, but that evening, it made me feel edgy. I gave him a forced smile and handed him my bags to carry for me. As we were walking up the stairs the skin on the back of my neck heated and the atmosphere changed. I glanced at Jase to see he was wearing an innocent yet slightly nervous expression and since I’ve known Jase I’ve only ever seen him wear that face once and that was just before Harper emptied a bucket of ice-cold water on me from the second floor window! Automatically the shutters came down and I was on edge taking the last few steps.

The door to their flat was open and I could hear music and voices from the hallway, I stood still on the top stair and listened while I was trying to work out what the hell they had done. I turned to Jase and whisper-hissed “what the
fuck
were you thinking? You’re supposed to me my best friends for crying out loud! Do you even understand what you’ve done?!” He looked slightly sheepish but not guilty before he held his hands up in surrender and explained.

“Chick, seriously, this was all on Harper, but I agree with her on this! You need to move on babe, you had a shit...
shit
thing happen but Jax is a good guy, he’s a great guy! Loosen up just a little bit and let him
in
!! You deserve this babe and seeing as you’re not doing it by yourself – we’re doing it for you!!” With his parting words, he shuffled past me and walked into the flat.

I followed him woodenly as I couldn’t help but feel seriously let down by the only people close to me in my entire world. Why couldn’t they understand my take on this? People can
not
be trusted!! Everyone will let you down at some point and if anything, they were only proving this more seeing as they had gone against everything I’d told them I wanted to force Jax back into my life.

Okay so I’d lied...partly...
I
knew I wanted to see him,
they
just were not supposed to know it too!! It was all just fucking with my head.

Walking into the flat, to say I was shocked was an understatement. I was expecting Jax, because I’d heard his smooth voice from the hallway, but when I seen that Mase and Ruben were there too I really couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on! I threw them all a small smile and tried ignore how silent the room had gone whilst following Jase into the kitchen.

I helped myself to a glass and poured myself a cider before returning to the living room to face my traitorous friends and my Mr Gorgeous. Jase stood next to me in the doorway, Harper was leaning against the desk next to the stereo, Mase and Ruben were both seated on the old sofa and Jax,
damn that man is gorgeous,
was sitting in the only free chair with one foot resting on the opposite knee, slouching backwards with a bottle of beer in his hand and looking far too out of place in the student apartment. Everything about him
screamed
luxury and this place, well...did not. Everyone seemed to be waiting for someone else to speak first so I jumped in and exclaimed...

“So what’s the plan...just drinks and music tonight?! What’s up with you all anyway? All lookin’ like someone kicked your puppy or something!!”

This comment got mixed responses from all, pretty much as I expected. Mase full-out grinned at me and chuckled under his breath, Ruben looked at the floor and shook his head, but he did it with a smile on his face, Jase laughed softly beside me and both Harper and Jax looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

I was really beginning to hate the fact that those two seemed to have teamed up against me.

Instead of responding, Jax stood up and strode towards me and seeing as his legs were about a mile long and the flat was about four meters wide, he reached me within two seconds and
again
hefted me over his shoulder. He asked Harper where the nearest bedroom was and she pointed him in the direction of her room, telling him it was the ‘second door on the left’.

Yeah, really...REALLY hating that they seemed to have teamed up on me. HARPER MARIE...god damn traitor!!

Chapter sixteen

Taylor

He walked in,
threw
me on Harper’s bed amongst ridiculous amounts of clothes and books (which, just for your information, were
not
comfortable), he leaned over me, placed a hand on either side of my face and straddled my hips. His face was so close to mine that I couldn’t focus and I could feel his breath along my skin.

WHAT THE FUCK!!
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, I just stared up at him with my mouth open.

“I’m tired of playing games with you baby girl. FIVE DAYS. FIVE
FUCKING
DAYS...I been waiting for you make a move, realise we’re good together and come see me, call me, text me...fuckin’
anything
. What did I get? Five days of nothing...not a single thing. I’m bored. I tried letting you play it your way, now I’ve had enough of your way and we’re gonna do this my way. Now I ain’t fucking moving until you tell me what it’s gonna take to get in there, that shield can’t take me and you know it. Your only weapon is running away and I’m not gonna let you do that anymore.”

He leaned slightly to the side so that his lips caressed my ear and he whispered... “I will find out what you’re so scared of. I get it, I think, don’t even really need to ask, you got fucked over. In a
huge
way, fuck me, I’m proud of ya for getting through that at all, but I’m not that...fuckin’...guy. You can’t live in this, safe, boring, narrow little world forever. You’ll crumble baby girl and it won’t be a pretty fuckin’ picture I can guarantee you that. Let it happen now, put that damn shield down and let me in, fuck, let
anyone
in!! You say you love Harper? You love Jase? How can you? You can’t feel anything!! Fuckin’ nothin’!!”
Shit, Fuck, DAMN!!

“you...” I cleared my throat and tried to speak again in a small voice “you’re
proud
of me?” Creases appeared along his forehead and he snickered slightly, which confused the hell out of seeing as I didn’t find anything remotely funny but he explained.

“Proud isn’t even the right word babe, I can’t even imagine what you went through. So yeah you could say that. I know you’re gonna argue with me, but I gotta say it angel, you got through it...but you didn’t...deal. You closed off, shut down, pulled down the fuckin’ shutters and just stopped living. Harsh as fuck for me to say, but I’m gonna say it anyway ‘cause you need to hear it. When they died babe....so did you.”

Bastard.

I snapped at him...“What the fuck do you know? You didn’t even like your fucking parents!! You can’t even begin to imagine what I had to deal with. An
eighteen
year old girl organising having her parents
fucking burnt
. That’s right, I couldn’t deal with a funeral, had them cremated. Wouldn’t have made a lick of difference anyway seeing as they had no friends. None. Not one other fucker who gave a damn about either of them except me! Can I state a case for my dad? No not really, but I loved him anyway. My mum? She was the light of the fuckin’ earth, yet I’m the only person out there that gives a fuck that she isn’t here anymore.” I was breathing heavily and my heart ached but he’d fucking pushed me so he was going to get it all.

“Best thing to ever happen to the entire fuckin’ world was my mum... Not a bad word to say about anyone, would give her last pound to a god damn stranger if they wanted it, not needed it, just if they wanted it!! So sweet, so beautiful, so kind, so generous, so fuckin’
perfect
and those bastards, the lot of them...including the sly twat I fucking slept with...they
stole
her from me!! She left me a note, tiny scrap of paper and you know what it said? She told me she’d be home at half fucking four. She’d never lied to me, not once in my entire life did she tell me anything but the truth. Not
ONCE!!
You know what my first thought was when the police told me what happened? Walked in, told me my parents we’re fuckin’ dead, shot like animals and I thought...she lied. My mum was
murdered
and the only thought I had was that she lied to me.”

“Baby..” I cut him off before he could say another word...

“No... fuck you Jax, you wanted it, take it. I was envious of her ya know...my mum. Not in a bitter way, I wished with everything I had that I could be as amazing person as she was but even while she was with me, I didn’t have it. It was a gift, a gift meant just for her but she taught me. I was a good girl, didn’t break the rules, worked my spare time at their shop, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, never touched drugs, I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was seventeen and I didn’t sleep with him at all until the week after my eighteenth birthday. We’d been together six months. I was a GOOD GIRL. I always listened to both of them, more my mum than my dad, but still...I listened, I did what they said. You know what happened the first EVER time I didn’t listen to them? I GAVE MY VIRGINITY TO THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO KILLED MY FUCKIN’ PARENTS.” I was screaming in his face by the time I took a breath but I still wasn’t finished with him.

“You think, after all that, you can stride straight into my life take...
the fuck
...over, cute little gifts, days at the track, falling asleep on the sofa. It’s shit. You...with your cocky smirk, your perfect fucking smile, perfect fucking face and your perfect fucking life, you think you can click your fingers and make everything ok? WELL YOU CAN’T, nothing will ever be ok again. You say I didn’t deal, you’re wrong, but you would be, because you couldn’t possibly understand. How can anything be ok again, how can I learn to live, to love, to
feel
when the light has been taken out of my life? How Jax? I CAN’T.” I paused, took a breath and was about to continue when he butt in.

“That light’s in YOU baby girl.”...
I...What?!...
“Turn it back on. You’re not gettin’ it, you’ve got this whole big speech I bet you’ve practised in your head a thousand times. I get it, I can’t imagine, no you’re right about that, but you don’t think I been through shit? Fuck, seriously babe I fought for custody against the god damn
state
for my brothers. A twenty-two year old single guy bringing up fourteen and fifteen year old boys who had been treated like shit most their lives, tellin’ you now, it’s not an easy job. But I fought for them, got them, and I gotta say, I’m proud as fuck off them now. So yeah, fucked up shit happens in this life babe, you suffer, you get mad, kick the shit out of whatever the hell you gotta kick the shit out of, you calm down, you sit on it for a while, then you fuckin’
deal.
So damn right, that light burns so damn bright in you, what you’re not getting baby girl, is that your blocking it out, holding it down and not letting it breathe...with
your fucking shield.”

I hated...
hated...
that what he said made sense to me. It was almost a physical pain, it ached, it throbbed, it felt like a fucking laceration...it was exactly what I’d spent the last five years trying to avoid but it was happening. A few gifts, sweet kisses,
hot
kisses and a shit load of deep words and he’d shifted my shield. I knew it wasn’t gone, I was clinging to it, holding on by the skin of my teeth, fucking petrified of what might happen if I let go but I could have sworn he was either the best god damn thing that ever happened to me, or my worst fucking nightmare resurrected in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes and prayed, I
prayed
that he was the former because it seemed I didn’t even have my best-friends’ backing with this.

I was starting to come to terms with the fact that there was a hell of a chance that he’d win this stupid game because I could feel the fight running out of me, it seemed to be more of a question of when...not if.

He was still straddling my hips and waiting for a response but I honestly couldn’t think of anything to say so I just continued to glare at him until he ran two fingers along the edge of my face and pushed the hair off my forehead. His touch ignited my skin and it felt so
so
much better than it should have.

Goose-bumps spread along my arms and my glare turned into more of a gaze. He lowered his head even further, paused, I assumed to give me chance to say no (which I didn’t), instead I raised my head off the bed slightly and pressed my mouth to his. I opened my mouth and let him take over the kiss but as his tongue stroked along mine, I heard the door click open and Jase speak...

“Hey Tay are you...oh...um...yeah, shit...sorry” and the door closed again.

Jax broke away from me, rested his forehead against mine and breathed “every...fucking...time!”

However, since we were disrupted, a thought occurred to me, something I’d never told anyone but I suddenly had the urge to spill my final secrets to Jax. Instead of changing the subject (or actions) slowly, I blurted straight out...

“He wrote to me you know.” Jax stilled above me and his brow furrowed as he stared down at me, I answered the unspoken question in his eyes.

“Matt...Grier...You know, the ‘boyfriend’...he wrote to me, from prison.”

“What the fuck? Is he out of his mind? Well, of course he is, he might not have pulled the trigger, but he basically killed people and he’s in prison?! What he say?” He rumbled.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never opened it. I don’t want to know a single thing that, that motherfucker wants to say to me. I want to spit on it, I want to stamp all over it, I want to fuckin’ burn it. But I haven’t done any of that. I just put it where it belongs, locked the fuck away just like him.” His look became contemplative and I braced.

“You should read it.”
Shit, fuck, DAMN. I fuckin’ knew I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Jax, I’ve listened to everything you’ve said to me, I’ve took it in, some of it even penetrated but I won’t budge on this. That fucker doesn’t deserve a solitary moment of my time, so no, I will NEVER read it.” He growled in frustration and stated...

“You’re wrong. That motherfucker is eating you alive. Babe seriously! We were just making out, got interrupted and instead of being pissed that we had to stop, you thought about a letter from some jacked-up fucker who existed for you five years ago. It might just be words on paper, but it’s in your mind, you could read it, spit on it, stamp on it and burn the shit out of it...then it’s gone. Done. Finished. Instead you’re holding on to it, if you really believed you’d never want to read it then why haven’t you just thrown it away?”

Damn, he had me there...shit!

I turned my head away from him and closed my eyes but they betrayed me and tears started streaming down my face. He placed a hand around my jaw and moving my face back to look at him. The frustration melted from his face and a tender look was reflected in his features and he murmured...

“Why baby girl? Why are you holding on to it without reading it?” I vaguely considered lying to him about it, but I knew he’d force it out of me eventually so I mumbled quietly...

“I’m scared” then in a stronger voice, I said “no...I’m petrified. It’s that last thing Jax, the only thing left from that whole time that I have any control over.”

Understanding flashed across his face, almost too quick for me to catch it before it changed and became a look of conviction,
utter conviction.
He rubbed his lips together in a show of uncertainty before sighing and rolling off me but pulling me close to him on the bed.

“Please,
please
don’t mention
any
of this to anyone else Jackson. I’m begging you. Harp and Jase don’t know about the letter and I’m always the strong one. We all act it, but I don’t think they know that it’s forged strength for me so please don’t mention it. Harp and Jase, they rely on me ya know? I hold us up when times get tough and then I deal with my shit by myself. I like it that way, they don’t know I fake it.” I pleaded. I could have sworn he muttered ‘Harper does’ under his breath but I couldn’t be sure so I ignored it. He grabbed my hand, pulled me up on to my feet, kissed my forehead (which was really
really
sweet) before taking us back out to where everyone else was sitting.

Mase and Ruben were playing on the Xbox so didn’t even react when we walked in and Jax still had a hold of my hand but Jase looked nervous and yes, now slightly guilty but I sent him a reassuring smile and a look that said ‘I’ll explain all later’ and he visibly relaxed. Harper looked uncertain but instead of looking at me, she glanced at Jax who grinned at her and she immediately brightened and even threw him a wink before returning to watching the guys play Xbox!
Traitorous bitch!