Nick shook his head ruefully. He couldn’t believe he was even contemplating these things. He stopped pacing. There was nothing else to do but to let her go. Michelle was better off without him. She could be looking for someone else already. She’d as much as said it. Nick quelled the fierce dart of anxiety that pierced his heart. In two days, he would be leaving for the Van Cliburn competition, and he’d be gone for two weeks. Two weeks away from here—away fromMichelle —would allow him to regain some much-needed perspective.
His mind made up, he forced himself to go to bed. He found himself tossing and turning; tangled in the covers and still awake when the first hint of dawn tinged the windows.
* * * * *
Michelle drowned her pillow in tears. She didn’t regret what she had just done, but ithurt . It hurt so much! She should have run. That first day, on the sidewalk. Why hadn’t she run?Because I knew that Nick and I could have something special, that’s why. From the first moment our eyes met . Even if he couldn’t bring himself to embrace it.
What about his past could be so horrible that he would have to throw away a chance at true happiness? Michelle pushed the sodden pillow aside and rolled over. Plumping up a dry one behind her, she sat up against the headboard, thinking furiously.
First thing the next morning, Michelle called Penny. “Penny?”
“Uh, yeah,” Penny mumbled, “What time is it?”
“Eight o’clock,” Michelle answered. “Listen, Pen. I need a favor.”
The urgent note in Michelle’s voice brought Penny fully awake. “What is it, hon? What’s wrong?”
“I’ll explain it all later,” Michelle said. “Just do something for me this morning, and we’ll meet for lunch. I’ll tell you everything then, okay?”
“Okay, I guess,” Penny answered warily.
“I need you to ask one of your big-wheel boyfriends—a senator or someone like that—you’ll know who to ask.”
“Ask them what?” Penny questioned.
“Find out who they would trust to handle a very confidential investigation for them.”
“A confidential investigation,” Penny parroted, confused.
“Yes.” Michelle sighed. “I need a private investigator, Penny. One that will sign a non-disclosure agreement and stick to it.”
Penny fell silent, digesting this odd request. “You’re going to explain this to me at lunch?”
“Yes,” Michelle promised.
“Okay.” Penny groaned as she sat up. “I’ll have to call in a favor, I guess. Where are we meeting?”
“Let’s doRicotta’s at one o’clock,” Michelle replied.
“See you then.” Penny hung up the phone and dragged herself from the bed, consumed with curiosity.
* * * * *
Penny finally showed up—breathless and forty-five minutes late. “Sorry,” she huffed as she collapsed into the booth. “Roger wouldn’t let me go.” She grinned wickedly. “At least, not until I promised to let him take me toTres Jacques for dinner next week.”
Michelle chuckled. “Some sacrifice.”Tres Jacques was Penny’s favorite restaurant. Not because the food was all that great—although it was—but because at three hundred dollars a plate, it tickled her to death that guys were actually willing to go to such lengths to try to impress her.
Penny smiled. “Actually, I’m grateful to you. I haven’t seen Roger in a while. Turns out, his divorce is final, and I have to tell you—he’s alot cuter without that ring on his finger.”
Michelle raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t think you let things like that bother you.”
Penny made a face. “I’m not a complete nympho, Mickey. I don’t like the idea of being a home-wrecker.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a slip of paper. “Anyway-” she paused as the waiter appeared to take their orders, then continued. “Here’s your guy. Roger says he’s never breached a confidentiality agreement—but he’s steep.”
Michelle opened the slip of paper. “Twenty-five grand!” she yelped. Embarrassed, she glanced around to see if anyone had noticed her outburst. It seemed no one had, and she subsided.
“Exactly what is this all about?” Penny asked.
Michelle took a deep breath. “I told Nick I wanted to get married. He freaked.”
“Married! I didn’t realize you were that serious.”
Michelle held up a hand. “I know—it’s a surprise to me, too. But that’s what I want, Penny. I’m finding out that when it comes to Nick, I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. This thing with him, it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop, every day. He tells me he has secrets, but he won’t tell me what they are…” she trailed off. Stirring her iced tea with the straw, she continued. “If he won’t tell me, I have to find out on my own. Heloves me, Penny. I know it. And this secret is keeping us apart. I have to find out what it is—convince him it doesn’t matter, that we can make it work.”
Penny frowned, picking purple cabbage from her salad and putting it to the side. “Hard to imagine what it could be.”
Michelle sighed. “I know. That’s why I need someone who absolutely won’t reveal anything to anyone but me.”
“What if he’s a murderer or something?” Penny asked.
“I don’t know. I can’t believe Nick is capable of anything like that.” Michelle ran a hand through her hair. “Whatever it is, I’ll just have to wait and deal with it once I know.”
The waiter returned with their entrees, and they sat for a while in silence. Penny eyed Michelle as she picked at her food. “Look, Michelle. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Nick might not take too kindly to your going behind his back.”
Michelle spread her hands. “What else can I do?”
“Exactly what did you tell him?”
“I basically said that if he couldn’t marry me, it was over.”
“Well, how did he take it?” Penny asked.
Michelle shrugged. “He asked me to accept things the way they were. When I said I couldn’t, he didn’t stop me.” Her eyes filled with tears. “All the way to the gate, I kept expecting him to call me back—”
Penny patted her arm as her voice broke. “But was he upset?”
Michelle closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the booth. “I’m sure of it.”
“Do you really believe he loves you?”
Michelle nodded.
Penny sat for a moment in thought. “Doesn’t he have that Cliburn thing this week?”
“Yes.” Michelle opened her eyes and sat up.
“I think you should wait on this, Mickey,” Penny insisted.
“What?” Michelle stared at her friend. “Why?”
“I just have a feeling—and you know how accurate my little premonitions can be. He’ll be gone—what, two weeks?”
Michelle nodded again.
“Wait until he comes back. Give him one more chance to straighten this out on his own. If it doesn’t happen—do what you think you have to do.”
“I don’t know, Penny,” Michelle murmured.
Penny opened her eyes wide and wiggled her fingers mystically, as though she were looking into a crystal ball. “If you do this, you might ruin any chance you and Nick have, forever,” she sing-songed. “I have a feeling, Michelle. Afe-e-e-e-e-ling ,” she intoned. Despite the obvious theatrics, she seemed very serious, and Michelle thought back to the countless times Penny had expressed her ‘feelings’ to her friends and been right.
Michelle looked into Penny’s earnest eyes for a long moment, then sighed. “All right.”
(A mathematical ratio used by composers to determine the point of resolution of a given work)
Nick stared out the window, watching clouds slide swiftly out of view beneath the plane’s wings. Niccolo Paganini, a pianist, had once said ‘Music is enough for a lifetime—but a lifetime is not enough for music.’ Nicholas finally understood what he meant.
All his priorities had changed. For decades, music had been able to drown out his loneliness, his exile; paid escorts had taken care of the physical desires, but music had assuaged his emotional needs and allowed him to successfully lead a solitary life. Now—now,Michelle washis music. He rubbed his tired eyes. Two weeks away from her had convinced him of one thing only—that a lifetime wasn’t enough forMichelle . Unfortunately, that was exactly the problem.
* * * * *
Michelle helped put away instruments after their rehearsal, lost in her thoughts. It had been several weeks since Nick had returned from Texas, and he still hadn’t contacted her. Still, she’d discarded the idea of trying to pry into his life using a private investigator. If he didn’t love her enough to tell her the truth about himself, then she didn’t want him. Love shouldn’t have to be this hard. Besides, she would have had to tap a substantial amount of her financial holdings, and she wasn’t willing to jeopardize her financial stability for something that might or might not be able to bring her and Nick together.
She started guiltily as Duncan tapped her shoulder. “Hey,” he grinned sheepishly. “Sorry I startled you.”
“That’s okay.” Michelle flipped the latch on the last instrument case and turned. “What do you need?”
Duncan looked away. “I was wondering—” He pulled his keys out of his pocket, stood toying with them a moment.
“What is it, Duncan?” Michelle asked, impatient.
“I would like to take you to dinner,” he said, watching her with his big, brown, puppy-dog eyes.
Michelle sighed, started to say no, then reconsidered. What the hell? Why shouldn’t she? Nick obviously was doing fine without her, and Duncan was really the only man in her life who had stuck with her through thick and thin, always devoted, never wavering. “All right.”
Duncan appeared taken aback. “Really?”
Michelle smiled, a bit sadly. “Yes, Duncan. Really.”
His features brightened. “Okay, great!”
Outside the studio, Michelle told him that she would follow him to the restaurant. He seemed disappointed—probably realizing that she could just leave after dinner, giving him no excuse to take her home and maybe be invited in. But the truth of the matter was, she would be glad to let him follow her home. And she was already considering inviting him in. Her time with Nick had re-awakened a strong sexual appetite, and pleasuring herself indefinitely didn’t appeal to her.
Michelle followed Duncan through the streets of downtown Ramey. Even though he wasn’t the man she really wanted, she felt her body growing anxious, the crotch of her panties becoming moist, as she imagined a man’s—any man’s—rough hands touching her again.
Dinner with Duncan was surprisingly pleasant. She had thought they’d be awkward with each other since this was their first real ‘date’ and he had seemed so hurt by her relationship with Nick. But once he got over his initial shock, Duncan loosened up and they were able to talk like they had in the time after her divorce, before Angela died and Duncan asked for more than Michelle could give. Now that she’d been through her experience with Nick, Michelle understood a little better how Duncan must have been feeling, seeing them together. Wanting someone who didn’t want him. They reminisced about old times, when the band was first starting out, when she and Sarah had their little ‘Battle of the Divas’. Duncan chuckled. “It was never any contest,” he said.
Michelle demurred. “Sarah has a good voice, Dunc.”
“Yes, but it takes more than that to win over the fans,” he mused. “She’s too cocky. For the guys, too much like the cheerleader in high school who won’t look at you twice if you’re not a jock; for the girls, too much like the beauty contestant who knows she’s already got the thing won, and is looking down her nose at you. That’s why the locals have always loved you. Because you’ve got this girl-next-door vulnerability thing going. And the way you’ve been singing lately…” He looked at her quizzically. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
Michelle shrugged. “Sure. What?”
“You may not want to talk about this, and if you don’t, I understand.”
“Duncan, just blurt it out, okay?” Michelle had a feeling he was going to ask her about Nick. He didn’t disappoint her.
“What happened between you and Nick?” He pulled a face. “I mean, granted, I didn’t like the guy, simply because he had you and I didn’t. But he definitely got your groove on. You came back to life after you started dating him. Your voice improved; you wrote those new songs.”
“They weren’t new,” Michelle interrupted. “I just never showed them to you guys before.”
“You were holding out on us?” Duncan looked hurt.
Michelle winced. “They were personal, Dunc. Songs I wrote to try and deal with the pain of a failed marriage, losing a seven-year-old daughter. I just wasn’t ready before.”
“So…how did Nick fix it?”
Michelle considered for a minute. “I don’t know. I had built this wall around myself, I guess. Nick got past it, broke it down. I was finally able to deal with my grief.”
“You still haven’t said what happened between the two of you,” Duncan pointed out.
“I wanted more than he was willing to give.”
Duncan nodded thoughtfully. “I can identify with that,” he said softly. “I hate to push my luck, but I have to ask you. Why are we here? If you’re here because you feel sorry for me—”
Michelle met his gaze openly. “No, I’m here because you always stuck by me, Duncan. Because friendship is a really valuable commodity these days, although I might not have shown my appreciation much recently. And because sometimes friends can become something more, if given the chance.”
Duncan stared deep into her eyes. “Do you really believe that?”
Michelle searched her heart, and was surprised at the answer. “Yes,” she said happily, “Yes, I do.”
Duncan followed her home, and she invited him in. They sat on the couch together, sipping coffee. Duncan put his arm around her shoulders, and Michelle decided it felt good, so she rested her head against him. He drew his fingers lightly along her arm, sending goosebumps over her flesh. When his hand strayed inside her neckline, Michelle sighed, leaning her head against the couch and arching her back. His questing fingers, short and broad, so different from Nick’s, moved beneath her bra, pulling one breast out so that he could rub his thumb around and around the rising nipple. “Michelle,” he groaned, bending his head to take the hot pyramid in his mouth.