The Art of Keeping Faith (34 page)

“Thank you for coming home, Ben. It means so much to me having you here.”

“What does it mean?”

“What, you want me to tell you right now?”

“Yes.”

Jeez, put a girl on the spot, why don’t you?

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.” He moves himself a step closer and the familiar burn that resides in the pit of my stomach when he is near flares at his movement.

“I forget how comfortable this is with you. Just being with you is so easy. And it scares me that being without you is starting to become easy as well, because I don’t want that. I want this forever, but I know it is not ours to have right now.”

The blues, which look as dark as midnight, watch me, waiting for me to say something, anything that will make sense of the jumble of words that have just fallen from my mouth.

“I know what you mean.”

“You do?”

Please don’t tell me it is easy without me as well.

“But, Lilah, this is my home. It is where I think of when I want comfort. And you are the only thing that keeps me going. You and the thought of coming home to you. No matter what you see, no matter what you hear, you must always believe that.”

“You mean like the pictures I see of you with other girls?”

He inclines his head a little and looks pretty annoyed. “It’s not easy you know.”

“Fighting the girls off isn’t easy?” Uh oh. Cross drunk Lilah could be about to show herself.

“No, don’t be daft. It’s not easy always getting my point across. The general consensus is that we should toe the line, do what we are told and get on with it. All that crap in the papers and all the girly hysteria, that’s just the publicity and hype, none of it’s real.”

“So, that’s the general consensus. But what do you think?”

“I think we should be who we are. I mean we’re not teenagers. I’m twenty-seven, there’s nothing wrong with saying we want to settle down. Well, some of us do.”

“Do you, you know, want to settle down?”

Ben gives a low chuckle. “You have no idea.”

Before I have a chance to move he sweeps me up over his shoulder in his trademark fireman lift and walks me back into the house.

“Sorry guys, that’s enough for the night.” He laughs as he carries me through to our room.

As the door closes, I can hear Meredith asking Tristan why he never does anything romantic like that.

“Fucking Ben,” Tristan grumbles under his breath.

Later

I am staring up into the darkness.

“Was that what the staking a claim photo was about?”

He tightens his arms around me.

“I just want people to know that there is another whole part of me that they have not seen yet and it is the better part.”

I have nothing to say to this so I just kiss him instead.

Even Later

“Don’t ever let go of me, Lilah,” he whispers into the dark.

I wrap my arms tight around him and hook my foot over his, anchoring us together.

“Never.”

18th February

He’s gone and do you know what? It’s not a bad thing. I don’t mean it in an ‘I’m glad he’s gone” way. What I mean is that he is gone, and it feels all right. His surprise visit was amazing and it really did take me by surprise. I never expected that at all and it felt amazing. Firstly, being with him. And secondly and most importantly, that he loves me enough to make spontaneous romantic gestures, spending who knows how much money just so he can spend two days with me.

How cool is that? My boyfriend will sit on a plane for fourteen hours just to spend two days with me. Add to this the busking, serenading, the hotel and the day of normality that he gave me and I have to say that Ben’s Valentine’s effort was not just a success, it was possibly the single most romantic thing that I ever dreamed anyone would ever want to do for me.

I am glowing and full of it as I swan around campus. There are a fair amount of inquisitive stares, but I just ignore them and continue in my own little fit-to-burst bubble of happiness.

The only person not staring at me or even looking in my direction at all is Richard and I’m starting to feel really bad that I reacted the way I did about Barbie. And also I am starting to feel pretty bad about the way I went off at him about Ben. I guess if I was to see it from Richard’s point of view he has been around for the whole of the academic year. We have had plenty of laughs together and, yes, sometimes he has helped me when I have hit a bit of a low point during Ben’s absence. Maybe I have taken advantage of him, but I just figured he was lonely too with his dysfunctional relationship with Fi.

I am a big girl and I can look after myself. I am learning this slowly. But I guess somehow I have given Richard the impression that I need him to feel responsible and fight my battles for me.

I don’t need anyone to fight my battles. I am more than capable of this all on my own, something that is becoming very apparent.

Rubbish—It’s time for Delilah McCannon to eat more humble pie.

19th February

“Rich, wait.” Calling out, I chase after him across the campus. He is walking for the gates with a steely determination.

Seemingly he also has his ears turned off.

“Richard, for fuck’s sake. Just hold up a minute.” Finally I manage to huff and puff my way close enough to grab his arm and make him stop.

“What, Lilah?”

“Oh, my God. Why are you so angry with me?”

“I’m not angry.”

“Really?” I question, disbelief colouring my tone.

“I’m not angry,” he repeats.

“Well you could have fooled me. I thought we had sorted out all that stuff from last week. Remember? You came and knocked on my door and apologised. That was after I knocked on your door to apologise to you and then went to find you at the Fez …”

I trail off a little but here because I have a bad visual image of him snogging plastic Barbie.

He clearly has it too because he pulls a bit of a face.

“Look, I am sorry about all the misunderstandings we have had recently.”

“Lilah, seriously. Don’t worry.”

He reaches one hand for me but then changes his mind and lets it drop to his side.

“No, I need to say this. I am also sorry if you think I rely on you too much, or that you have to help me with all my drama with Ben. I promise I am going to be far less dramatic going forward if you still want to hang out occasionally.”

He gives a sigh of exasperation. “Lilah, you are such a good friend of mine. I just don’t want to see you hurt. But I don’t feel like I can talk to you about it because whatever I say always sounds wrong.”

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t talk about it?”

“Maybe?”

“So I won’t moan about you snogging …” I can’t even bring myself to say her name.

“And I won’t say ‘I told you so’ next time there is a picture of Ben in the paper and it is not you he is with.”

“Rich!”

“Just kidding, Lilah.”

“Very funny. So, out of interest, do you always go about kissing other girls?”

“Not that often.”

“Not that often! You dirty ho.”

“We can’t all be ridiculously in love like you and Ben.”

“Well, that’s true.”

We both chuckle a little.

“Fancy studying in the library?” I ask.

He looks at his watch. “Sure, why not?”

We turn and trudge our way to the library together, differences set aside for now. At the very least.

20th February

Midnight

“So did you and Richard make up?” Ben asks.

“What makes you ask that?”

“Because I know how soft you are and that you hate to fight with anyone. Well anyone apart from your mum. How is your mum by the way?”

“Oh I don’t know, Meredith is her new super duper daughter-in-law-to-be and I am off the hook.”

“Lucky you.”

“Yep.”

“Poor Meredith.”

“Yep.”

“So did you make up with Richard as predicted?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“We decided that it is best that we don’t talk about anything outside of college work due to various differences of opinion.”

Ben lets out a little snort.

“Sounds very diplomatic of you. Next you will be telling me you are going into politics and running for prime minister.”

“I think I would make a great prime minister.”

“I reckon you would get a lot of votes and probably not because of your policies.”

“Very funny.”

“I would vote for you!”

“Okay, okay. Look I have got to go. I am exhausted. I think I am still catching up after last weekend.”

Ben sniggers a little. “Me, too. And I have jet lag.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Oh, it was so worth it.”

“Love you, Ben,”

“Love you, Lilah.”

Oh, it was so worth it.

21st February

Hamburger Hill

No, I have not eaten a mountain of hamburgers. It’s the name of the afternoon’s jolly entertainment provided by psycho Pilchard.

Hamburger Hill, otherwise known as the single most depressing film I have ever, ever seen. And yes, it beats Gladiator but in a completely different way.

While Gladiator was created to tug at your heartstrings and manipulate you into feeling certain emotions, Hamburger Hill is raw and gritty with no thrills. And to make it all the worse, it is based on a real story, a story from not that long ago.

A bunch of soldiers during Vietnam have to take one strategic point. It is essential that they do. So they do, all of them dying along the way and even when they can see what is happening and the fact that there is little chance of survival they still continue pushing their way further up this frigging hill.

The whole room sat there in complete silence as we watched it. By the end I was gripping Meredith’s hand on the one side and Richard’s on the other.

We all trooped out of the library viewing room, down the library stairs and into the wintry sunshine in dead silence before giving each other a small wave and heading off in different directions, Meredith still clutching my hand.

Wow.

Imagine that; imagine having so much faith in what you are doing that you will continue even though you know you will die doing it.

It reminds me of reading about the Battle of Ypres last year, all those soldiers that knew they were going to die, who are now just names on a gate.

It’s different though reading about it in a book. That film made it so real you could have been there in that jungle with them.

Wow.

Just wow.

22nd February

Work: Baz is bored and bad tempered. I have no idea what his deal is.

23rd February

Highlight of incredibly boring week

Ben and I are on Skype. I don’t think he realises because he is too busy looking at me, but for the whole time we are talking the camera on his phone is trained on his abs!!

WHAT A RESULT!

March

1st March

“Pleeeeeaaaaase, come wedding dress shopping with me?”

Meredith is lying face down on my bed, thumping her fists and feet on the mattress.

“No chance,” I assure her using my mature grown-up voice.

“Oh, my God, you are so unfair. I came with you that time and had to go through that ordeal.”

“Yeah, I know. And I am still recovering.”

She starts to thump the mattress even more.

“Mer, listen. I am a very important business person and I have musical instruments to sell.” I am about to get up for work. I’m not overly enthused.

She stops thumping and lifts her head up to look at me. Jesus she is bright red.

“It’s not fair,” she repeats.

“I don’t know why you are letting Mum do this to you, you know she is completely crackers.”

“I didn’t get much choice,” she talks into the mattress.

“Well, do you know what dress you want?”

“Yes, I want the dress Ben picked.”

Ah, Ben.

“Lilah, for goodness’ sake,” she moans when it is clear I am lost in Planet Ben.

“Sorry. Okay you have two choices. Either go today with Beth and Jayne as back up, they are also bridesmaids so should share the pain. Or, wait until tomorrow and I will come with you then.”

She looks up again.

“You will?”

“Will it stop you from crying into my mattress?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then I will. Right bugger off, I need to go to work.”

She gives a shake of her head. “I like you best when you are drunk and dossing.”

“Drunk Lilah no longer exists.”

It’s true. She may be gone. I have not had a drop of wine in ooh five days.

More exciting than the lack of wine is perhaps the fact that yesterday I managed to make myself a dinner that did not involve Cheerios. I boiled water, I put pasta in, I cooked pasta and I stirred through a sauce.

I was so very proud.

Right, then. Work.

The Shocker

I’m late. Nothing unusual there.

“All right, Baz?” I call as I march into the shop and fling my bag down.

He glances up from the counter but his face looks down, and nowhere near his normal oversized optimistic self.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, good. You’re here.”

“What’s up?” I ask again.

“I’m selling the shop.”

What?

“Pardon?”

“I’m selling the shop.”

So my ears
are
working.

“Why?”

“When did you last sell something?”

I think for a moment. “A week ago?” I reckon this might be extending the truth slightly.

“Lilah! This shop has always been a hobby for me, but now it’s kind of dull. I mean I love you and it’s great when Ben comes to play, but I don’t think I should be wasting money every weekend just so you and I can hang out and drink Bud together.”

I’m actually going to cry.

“What if Ben came to play? I could ask him?”

“Lilah he’s a rock star.”

“No, he’s not. He’s my Ben. He wears converse, cooks all the time and plays guitar.”

Baz shakes his head sympathetically. I am about to start a dispute on the matter when I have a startling moment of clarity. It’s my first epiphany of the year and it’s only February. I’m on a roll!

“What if we made other boys believe they could be like Ben?”

“I’m listening.” Baz perches his large frame onto the counter and awaits my idea while I quickly scramble around for it in my head.

“Well I think Ben is just Ben. You are just you as well, Baz, despite the fact you used to be in a band. Maybe that’s what all rock stars are like. We could let all the kids come in and play, pretend to be like Ben. Maybe Ben would help occasionally. I’d need to ask him.”

This is the single best idea I have ever independently had. Scrap that. It’s the single best idea I have ever had. End of.

Looking at me for a long moment, Baz mulls over my idea.

“Go and get some Bud’s and we can talk about it.”

I punch the air and grab for the till before he can change his mind and I lose my most enjoyable role in life; an alcoholic Saturday girl.

2nd March

Bloody hell. How many Bud’s did I put away yesterday? I remember five.

I thought I was okay, I remember coming home and telling everyone I was going to go straight to bed to wait for Ben to call.

I have no idea if he did or not. I can’t remember anything.

Oh, God. I’ve just remembered that I have got to go wedding dress shopping with Meredith.

So kill me now.

Wedding Dress Shopping—Again

“Where are we going?” I ask. We are on the tube and Meredith’s excitement is not rubbing off on me.

I am nursing a coffee but it is not washing away the terrible taste in my mouth. I take another sip just to make sure.

Yuck. The milk must be off.

“What’s wrong with you?” Meredith lowers her sunglasses. Apparently I’m not the only one who may or may not have had too much to drink yesterday.

“I think I might be coming down with something?”

“No way!”

“You know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

“I know, that’s why you use it all the time.”

I shift a little, I’m feeling very sweaty and very uncomfortable. There is not a bit of me that does not ache. It is fair to say that this has not put me in the best of moods.

“Where are Beth and Jayne and why aren’t they coming on the shopping spree of fun?”

“Well you’re the head bridesmaid so you get to make informed decisions with the bride.”

I just stare at her. I don’t even bother with an eyebrow lift.

“Are you making up titles again? What on earth is a head bridesmaid?”

“You. You know what with you being Tristan’s sister and my best friend.”

“Okay, for the record I’m more than happy for someone else to be your best friend.”

“Stop grouching, Lilah. Come on. This is exciting for me.”

I sulk out of the window for a few minutes.

“Okay, I am sorry. As soon as I get a decent coffee that does not have turned milk in it I will be fine.”

Meredith scrunches her face, “It hasn’t gone off, here let me taste.” She grabs my cup and takes a deep sip wincing a little as she does.

“Told you,” I sing song.

“It’s not off, just hot, you crazy person.”

I take my cup back unconvinced, planning not to have any more of the hot, sour badness.

“So where are we going?” I ask again. “You still haven’t told me.”

Meredith lowers her sunglasses before announcing “Harvey Nics,” as cool as she can muster.

“Since when do you shop at Harvey Nicols?” I ask.

There is only one woman I know that shops there on a regular basis.

My mother.

“Oh, you know they have a lovely bridal boutique.”

It’s the words that give her away; Meredith would never say the words ‘Bridal Boutique,’ ever. Not unless Bridezilla had something to do with it.

“I’m getting off at the next stop.”

“Lilah, please. It’s your mum.”

“Precisely.”

“I don’t know what’s happened. This time last year you guys were getting on really well. Now you are not even talking.”

“Because she is completely deranged,” I tell the whole carriage of the tube train.

“Well, maybe you guys need something to bond over, like my wedding.”

“Maybe,” I appease.

I am not a complete bitch and I know how much this means to Meredith.

“There had better be a lunch involving gin,” I say after I’ve stewed in silence for five minutes.

“It’s your mum, of course there will be. Come on this is our stop.” Before I can argue or hide she has me pulled out of my seat and we are heading for the door.

Damn it.

The Bridal Department

“Dharlings, how lovely to see you,” Mum gushes in full kiss arse mode. She swoops in to air kiss Meredith whilst giving me a swift look up and down.

“What’s the matter, Dharling?” she says and moves a step closer in a cloud of Chanel No5, which makes my stomach roll in an alarming manner. “Are you sick?”

I may be. All down her back.

“No,” I snap.

Meredith gives me a sharp look and in return I plaster the fakest smile I can muster over my face. “Sorry, Mum, just a dodgy coffee, that’s all.” I say.

Leaning in Mum gives me a big hug. “It’s nice to see you, Lilah, I hear that you and Ben had an enjoyable Valentine’s Day.”

Oh it was enjoyable aright but I’m probably not going to tell my mum all about it.

“Yeah, it was a nice surprise.”

“That’s lovely dear. Now, Meredith? Are you ready to look at dresses?”

“Oooh, yes,” squeals Meredith.

They start to walk off, arms linked.

“What! Wait, what happened to lunch first?”

Mum turns and glances at me, “No time for lunch, Lilah. Come on. We have got a lot to fit in.”

Great. Bloody great.

4th March

“Lilah, wake up. You are going to be late for class again.”

Meredith is tugging at my duvet but I am not letting it go. It must be six or something ridiculous.

“I’ve got ages,” I mumble into my pillow. Kit reaches a paw out and touches my cheek in agreement.

“It’s eight-thirty, are you coming or not?”

I sit bolt upright.

“Eight-thirty? It can’t be. I have only just got to sleep.”

Meredith looks at me in confusion.

“No you haven’t. You fell asleep at quarter to nine on the sofa and Tristan had to carry you to bed.”

“Oh. I don’t remember that at all.”

“You were comatose. Did you drink yesterday?”

“Nope, not that I remember.”

She gives a little shrug. “Are you coming or not?”

I give a groan and start to get up. “Yeah, yeah, give me ten and I will drive us.”

Fifteen minutes later we are just heading out the door.

“Meredith, did I even go to Uni yesterday?”

She looks at me her face crinkled in a frown.

“Yes, we had History on Screen remember; you told Pilchard Pritchard that you thought Spartacus was a pile of crud.”

“Oh.”

“Are you sure you didn’t drink yesterday?”

“Pretty sure,” I say although I am not sure at all. I can’t remember a single thing I did yesterday.

“Maybe Richard slipped you a Rohipnal.”

“Very bloody funny.”

She thinks it is. She giggles the whole way to the car and then the whole drive to campus.

7th March

Midnight

“Hey, sleepy head, how are you?” Ben chuckles down the phone.

“I’m not asleep, I just answered the phone, didn’t I?” I may be grumpy though.

Ben laughs a little louder. I have no idea why.

“For the first time this week. I was beginning to think you were ignoring me?”

“I haven’t heard from you all week?” I grouch in return.

“Lilah, I’ve called, has no one bothered to tell you? I’ve rung every night. Last night I was so worried I ended up calling Tristan on his mobile. He told me you were comatose and had been since half six. What’s going on? Are you sick again?”

“No, he didn’t tell me,” I say glancing over onto my bedside table and the phone cradle.

Ah. There it is. One of Tristan’s Post-it’s. I’m not your secretary. Wake up!

Very bloody funny.

“So are you sick? You sound a bit distracted.”

I settle back down under the duvet. “No, I’m all good, sorry I have not spoken to you all week. It has been a bit weird.”

“Weird how?”

“I keep sleeping, and can’t remember anything.”

“You must be coming down with the flu again.”

I think about this for a moment. “No, I don’t think so. I feel okay when I am awake doing stuff. I know what it is!”

“What’s that, my love?” he asks making my stomach take a little dive.

“It was my mother, I had to go through a whole visit to a bridal department without the aid of gin. It’s made me bloody ill with stress.”

Ben chuckles and I can hear him light a cigarette.

Ooh, cigarette. Have I even had one today? I sit up and light one for myself, but one puff makes me stub it back out again. It tastes like ash and not at all pleasant.

That’s a revelation. Cigarettes are completely disgusting.

“Did Meredith find a dress?” asks Ben, completely oblivious to my cigarette epiphany.

“Uh, yeah. She went for the one you picked.”

“That’s because I am a style guru.”

It’s my turn to laugh, Ben is happiest in sweat pants and an old T-shirt. That’s when I am happiest, too, because he looks shit hot in them.

“Well Tristan was not pleased, guess how much?”

“Grand?”

“Nope. Two and a half.”

Ben lets out a low whistle. “I have expensive taste obviously.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I am a bit gutted actually. I would have liked you to have that one.”

What?

“What do you mean?”

He chuckles again. “Nothing, Lilah, don’t freak out.”

“Okay,” I say, completely freaking out.

“How’s Kit?” he asks, changing the subject.

“Liking me at the moment, but I doubt it will last.”

Ben chuckles some more. “Listen, Lilah. I am glad I have managed to get hold of you today,”

Something about his tone makes my stomach tighten and not in the good way of a few moments ago.

Oh God, there is going to be another picture.

“What?”

“Don’t worry, I just wanted to warn you that we are going to be doing a lot of travelling the next few weeks, a last push before we come back to the UK, so I may not be able to call that much. I will try to text when I can. Screw the phone bills.”