The Beautiful Widow (12 page)

‘More coffee?’ Steel said softly. ‘Or a brandy?’

‘No. No, thanks.’ She met his eyes, hers veiled. ‘I really do need to get back to the office, Steel. There are several things I have to deal with today.’

He nodded, standing up and reaching for her coat on the back of her chair. As he helped her into it she was conscious of a feeling of disappointment at his easy
capitulation and chided herself for her inconsistency. She really had to pull herself together, she told herself with uncomfortable truth. She was acting like a naive schoolgirl rather than a mature woman with two small children.

It was bitterly cold outside; the frost had barely dissipated at all and where the sun hadn’t reached the ground it was as slippy as walking on glass. As her feet slid from under her Steel’s arms shot out and caught her before she could fall, the momentum bringing her hard against his chest.

She wanted him to kiss her more than she had ever wanted anything in her life.
The knowledge was there as she stared wordlessly up at him, and then he bent his head and fulfilled the longing that had burnt her up for six long months. He kissed her thoroughly and with an enjoyment he made no effort to hide.

His lips were cool and firm and tasted of the mints the waitress had brought with their coffee, and when his tongue swept inside the sweet honey of her mouth her senses went haywire. He withdrew after a few moments, only to begin the invasion anew and this time his head tilted to give his searching mouth full access. The kiss was everything she remembered and more.

Toni found herself arching towards him with a wantonness that would have horrified her only minutes before. Her lips moved instinctively, trying to deepen a kiss that was already immeasurable, and she clung onto him as though she were drowning.

One of his hands moved at the back of her neck and the next moment her hair was loose, cascading about her face as he threaded his fingers through it, supporting her head as he continued to explore her. His other arm
was round her waist and she was moulded into the bulk of him, gloriously close.

She didn’t think about anything but the feel and taste of him; he’d obliterated the past and future and the present was purely sensation. She was conscious of thinking that she didn’t want the kiss to end, that she wanted to stay like this for ever, wrapped in his arms in the frosty air.

But, of course, it had to end. He raised his head slowly but didn’t let go of her, wrapping his open overcoat round her so she was enfolded even more closely into him. ‘Wow,’ he breathed softly.

Her thoughts exactly. She blushed, still lost in the grip of sensual desire, but as the door to the pub opened and she heard voices she pulled slightly away, suddenly shy.

Steel smiled, putting his arm around her and keeping it there as they walked to the car. They didn’t say a word, but once inside the Aston Martin’s leather-clad interior he turned toward her and kissed her again, a light kiss, brushing her lips with his own. ‘I’ve waited six months to taste you again. I’m not going to wait another six months,’ he growled huskily. ‘In fact six minutes would be pushing it.’

‘Steel, this isn’t right.’ Somehow she found her voice. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘Yes, you can.’ He refused to accept her self-denial. ‘Look how easy it is.’ The third kiss was scorching, as he’d meant it to be, and she felt the impact right down to her toes.

Feeling trapped—whether by him or the strength of her reaction to him, Toni wasn’t sure—she struggled away from him, leaning against the passenger door as she gasped, ‘You don’t understand.’

‘Oh, I do, Toni. I do. Believe me, if I didn’t understand I wouldn’t have waited six months. But no more. You can’t deny there’s something between us. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this now, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I want you. You turn me on with your velvet-soft eyes and silky skin and gentle ways; in fact you send me crazy.’

She stared at him, hardly able to believe what she was hearing. This couldn’t be her he was talking about.

‘I want to make love to you; I spend most of the day thinking about it and then when I go to sleep it’s worse. The things we indulge in at night, Toni …’ He leant slightly closer, not touching her with any part of himself yet enveloping her in his body warmth. ‘It’s driven me insane playing the boss when I want to be much, much more to you.’

‘I’m—I’m not what you want,’ she whispered.

Steel expelled a quiet breath. ‘Yes, you are.’ He reached out and touched her lips with his finger. ‘From the moment I set eyes on you, in fact.’

‘That’s—that’s just lust, sexual attraction.’ She let her hair fall forward, hiding her expression. ‘You didn’t even know me then.’

‘But I know you now. I know so much about you now, and you know plenty about me too. What have the last six months meant to you, Toni? All those chats late at night when everyone else has gone? Did you look forward to them? Enjoy finding out little things about me?’

She wanted to sag against the car door as his words hit home. It was only in this moment of blinding truth that she realised she’d lived for those times with a strange, intense excitement that had no rhyme or reason. ‘You did that on purpose?’ she whispered helplessly.

His smile this time was merely a twitch. ‘I scared the hell out of you six months ago and I didn’t want that to happen again. You didn’t trust me, maybe you still don’t trust me, but we’ve moved forwards quite a way since then. Not enough—’ this time his smile was self-deprecating ‘—not when I want to know you inside out; how you think and feel about everything, especially me. And I’m not talking about your sexual desire here. I know you have the taste of me and want more from the way you respond when I so much as touch you. But that apart, how do you see me? I asked you that once before and you didn’t answer me. Why was that, I wonder?’

She shook her head, unable to reply.

‘Don’t shut me out, Toni. I want you and you want me and what we have is too powerful to fight.’

Her head jerked slightly as she drew in a steadying breath. He was talking about sex. In everything he’d said he’d only mentioned
wanting
her, nothing more. No talk of commitment or for ever or … love. And why would he? She knew that wasn’t on Steel’s agenda.

‘I don’t intend to rush you, in spite of how I’ve behaved today,’ he said very calmly as she continued to remain silent. ‘But however slow we take it, you and I are going to progress. That is set in concrete.’

‘Steel, it takes two to agree something like that,’ she said a little more strongly. He was taking a lot on himself!

‘Four, in this case. I’m aware of that too.’

Four? And then she realised he was talking about Amelia and Daisy. To her mortification she became aware that in the last heady, intoxicating few minutes her precious girls hadn’t featured in her thoughts. It had been all about her and Steel. Frankly horrified at herself, she lifted her eyes to his. ‘I told you once before

I have no intention of introducing the twins to a series of “uncles".’

‘And I told
you
then I was pleased to hear it. I still am. I don’t intend for there to be a line, Toni. Amelia and Daisy know you work for me and they are bright little girls. They’ll accept me in their life as a friend of yours.’

‘A friend?’ It would be funny if it weren’t so serious.

‘Exactly.’ He smiled. ‘Until you are ready for something more. I want you but I don’t want to hurt you or cause you to feel threatened or have regrets because you feel I’ve seduced you into my bed. And I could do that so easily. We both know that.’

The male arrogance was too much. She glared at him. ‘Really?’ she said with scathing sarcasm. ‘You’re irresistible, is that it?’

Steel moved half into her seat, lowering his head and taking her mouth. He savoured the shape of her lips, the sweet taste of her, and after a token struggle he felt her mouth open beneath his probing. Within moments she was there with him every inch of the way as he deepened the kiss with the intent of showing her exactly what he wanted to be doing to her at that moment. He finished the embrace with a row of nibbling kisses along her jawline, stopping at the corner of her lips, and by then her breathing was raspy and her cheeks flushed with passion. OK, so he’d proved his point.

A wry smile curved his lips as he moved back fully into his seat, but the glitter in his silver eyes was a great deal more elemental. ‘And that’s without really trying. When I have you naked and willing in my arms it will be long and slow and lasting and we’ll go to heaven
and back. I can promise you that, my passionate little puritan.’

Toni stared at him helplessly. Logic told her it would be the biggest mistake of her life to let this carry on. She was already emotionally involved with this man and she still didn’t know how it had happened, but if they became lovers she would never recover from the fallout when it finished. Lovers … It was the culmination of all her secret fantasies over the last months, all the long hours when she’d tossed and turned in her chaste little bed in an agony of need.

And then he took the decision out of her hands. ‘I’m not going to take no for an answer, Toni,’ he warned very softly. ‘From employer and employee, we’ve now moved to friends, OK? And the next step’s timing will be up to you.’

She stared at him, her eyes still dark with desire. ‘Friends don’t kiss, not like we have. Is this friendship going to be on more … platonic grounds?’

‘Not a hope in hell, sweetheart.’

I
T HAD GONE FAR BETTER
than he’d expected. Steel glanced at Toni as they drove back to the city later that night. They had gone for a drive after their heart-to-heart in the car park, exploring the surrounding area for some thirty miles or so around the house before stopping for dinner at an imposing country hotel. Toni had telephoned her parents before they had left the pub after lunch and arranged for her mother to pick the twins up, and, although she hadn’t exactly relaxed during the afternoon, she hadn’t been distant or withdrawn. During dinner he’d set out to make her laugh and he’d succeeded. Yes, all in all it could have been a lot worse.

He glanced at her again as the car was forced to stop at traffic lights. She was sleeping, her hair forming a soft and silky veil and hiding her face from him. Even in her sleep she managed to elude him, he thought wryly. But no more. He refused to stay on the perimeter of her life for one more day, one more hour, one more minute. He had been patient, more patient than he would ever have dreamt he could be over this woman, and more honest in his opening up to her too. Was she aware of that? Aware he’d let her see more of him than anyone else had done?

Admittedly he hadn’t intended that to begin with. His
firm mouth twisted. The evening chats he’d manoeuvred as a means of finding out more about her with a view to getting her into bed had backfired a little. She’d got under his skin, beguiled him, tempted him to reveal things he’d never thought he’d talk about to anyone. Not because she’d been pushy, hell no, just the opposite. It was the gentle, unassuming way she had that had knocked him for six. That and the air of unsophisticated innocence that clothed her like a second skin. He’d had to remind himself more than once that she had been married, that she had two children and was far from being a chaste virgin.

But when he kissed her … His body stirred, becoming as hard as a rock. She was a different woman. And he wanted her—sinner and saint, he wanted all of her.

It was the damnedest thing, he reflected as he drove home through the white, frosty world outside the cosy warmth of the car, that he—a man who placed great value on being in control—had never felt more out of control in his life. And yet it didn’t make any difference. She was like a drug and infinitely more addictive than the strongest narcotic or opiate.

When he drew up outside her house it was past eleven o’clock and only the hall light was glowing. He kissed her awake, smiling slightly as he felt her respond even before she was fully conscious.

She was flushed and dishevelled and as sexy as every schoolboy fantasy by the time he exited the car and walked round to the passenger door, and once she was standing on the pavement he kissed her again, lightly, before looking down at her face in the shadows. He brought his hand up and traced her lips with a finger. ‘Are you going to tell your parents about us?’

She blinked. ‘That we’re friends?’

He grinned. ‘Your mother likes me,’ he said with an air of considerable satisfaction.

‘Only because you ate two helpings of her casserole.’

‘When am I going to be invited again?’

She’d fallen into that one, Toni thought wryly. ‘I don’t know. How often do friends eat at each other’s homes?’

‘All
the time.’

‘Steel—’

He caught the note of anxiety in her voice with his lips as he kissed her. ‘A day at a time, sweetheart. OK?’

She swallowed. Now she was home, standing outside the place wherein her two children lay sleeping, she was filled with doubts and panic. This could only end badly. She knew it as surely as night followed day. So why on earth was she allowing it to continue for another moment? And then she looked up into the hard, handsome face and she knew why.
At some point over the last six months she had fallen in love with Steel.

She lowered her lids to hide the stricken look she knew must be visible in her eyes. She had fought against it, railed against it, told herself all sorts of lies and evasions, but it was still true. She loved him. She loved him as she would never love anyone else, the infatuation she had felt for Richard before they had married a pale shadow in comparison.

A tiny part of her acknowledged it was a relief to admit it to herself at last; a far bigger part felt terrified.

‘You’re tired. I’d better let you go.’ This time his kiss was just a peck on the top of her nose. ‘And tell your mother you’ve invited me to dinner tomorrow.’

‘I haven’t. I didn’t,’ she said weakly, without heat.

‘Or I’ll phone up and tell her myself. I’m in your life, Toni. Get used to it.’

She watched him turn and walk back to his car and she thought, Yes, but for how long? How long before the novelty of him having to chase a woman for once—because that was undoubtedly what this was all about—began to pall? However long it was, it wouldn’t be long enough. She wanted for ever. The whole roses-round-the-door scenario. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She became aware that although he was sitting in the car he was waiting to see her inside the house before he drove off. It was one of the many little courtesies that were as natural to him as breathing and her heart ached with love for him. She waved once and then opened the front door and stepped into the house, closing it and leaning against it as she heard the engine purr into life.

She continued to stand there long after the sound of the car had disappeared, a thousand and one emotions tearing at her breast. And then very slowly, like an old woman, she climbed the stairs to check on the girls. They were fast asleep, Amelia lying with one hand under her cheek and Daisy curled into a little ball under the covers with only the top of her head visible. Her precious babies, her precious girls.

And only then did she let the tears come.

She was awoken from a deep sleep by her mobile phone, which she’d forgotten to turn off the night before. Half falling off the small sofa bed she staggered across the sitting room and reached for her bag, aware it was still dark. ‘Hello?’ she said muzzily. ‘Who is it?’

‘Toni? I’m an uncle.’ Steel’s voice was ridiculously excited. ‘Annie had a little girl this morning.’

‘Oh, Steel.’ Suddenly she was wide awake. ‘How wonderful.’

‘She’s beautiful, exquisite, with the tiniest fingers and toes. I can’t believe she was inside her mother only yesterday.’

‘You’ve seen her already?’ Toni squinted at the time on her mobile and it informed her it was five o’clock.

‘I’ve been at the hospital since I left you. Just as I drove away Jeff phoned and said Annie had been in labour all day and they were leaving for the hospital, and if I could spare half an hour she’d love to see me. So I went and saw her and then waited in a little room until the baby was born. She’s perfect. Small but perfect.’

‘What did she weigh?’ Toni asked, smiling at his enthusiasm.

‘Six pound something, I think.’

‘Is she still Eve?’

‘Almost. It’s Miranda Eve now. Miranda was our mother’s name,’ he added huskily. ‘It suits her already.’

For a moment the urge to see him and hold him in her arms was so strong she felt weak with it. He was upset; thrilled but upset, and she could understand that. His mother would never see her granddaughter. That was hard at such a joyous time.

‘Where are you now?’ she said softly.

‘Sitting outside your house.’

‘What?’
She jumped as though he’d walked into the sitting room, smoothing down her hair hastily.

‘I—I wanted to be near you,’ he said hoarsely.

Oh, Steel, Steel. You are going to break my heart. ‘Fancy a coffee?’ she whispered. ‘But you’ll have to be quiet. The girls have got elephant ears.’

‘A mouse wouldn’t make less noise,’ he whispered back.

‘I’ll let you in.’ She could tell he was smiling.

Hastily switching the light on, she delved into her handbag for her brush and brought some sort of order to her hair. Her face was shiny with sleep and devoid of make-up but she couldn’t do anything about that, she reflected as she stared into the sitting-room mirror. Reaching for her thick towelling robe, she pulled it on over her thin silk pyjamas, knotting the belt tightly. She had cried herself to sleep last night, wondering how she was going to cope with seeing him at the office with other people around for the first time since his amazing declaration, but now at least there was only the two of them and Annie’s baby would break the ice. Not that there was ice between them. Just the opposite. It was fire every time their lips touched. Which was the cause of all her problems.

‘Hi. Thanks for letting me come in.’

She had opened the door to find him on the doorstep, incredibly sexy if a little tired, black stubble coating his chin and his hair falling across his forehead. He looked … She gave up trying to find a word that encapsulated heaven on earth and prayed for self-control. ‘Hi yourself.’ She swung the door wide as she turned and walked through the hall to the kitchen. ‘I’ll put the coffee on.’

‘I woke you,’ he murmured as he stood in the kitchen doorway.

‘Considering it’s five o’clock in the morning, is that surprising?’ She turned and smiled to soften the words. ‘Sit down, you look exhausted.’
And what power decreed that when men looked all in they were ten times more sexy, whereas women just looked haggard?
Few things in life were fair.

He didn’t sit down. Instead he walked across and
drew her gently into his arms. They stood quietly, in benign contrast to all their earlier blazing embraces, as he said, ‘She’s so tiny and so vulnerable, a little scrap of nothing and yet a person with eyelashes and fingernails. And she looks like Annie. I can remember when Annie was born and I went to see her with my father. I was twelve years old at the time and thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. And Miranda is like her. I’d forgotten about that time until today.’

‘And Annie’s OK?’ she asked unsteadily, touched at his emotion.

‘She’s euphoric. On cloud nine and refusing to come down.’

Toni nodded. ‘I can remember when the twins were born, I was the same. And yet scared too. Suddenly I had these two little people who were wholly dependent on me and I was terrified I’d let them down.’

‘And you coped with them on your own,’ he said, very softly.

Toni had wrapped her arms round his waist and now it took a great deal not to pull away and defuse what was a deeply personal memory. A host of memories. ‘Yes, I did, from day one,’ she said after a moment or two. ‘Richard didn’t even come into the hospital with me when I gave birth; he said hospitals made him feel sick. It was a full twenty-four hours before he saw the girls and I found myself making excuses for him to the other women in the maternity unit, pretending he’d been called away at work. The first time he saw them in their little plastic cots by the side of my bed, I could tell he didn’t know what to say. For months, years, I tried to tell myself he’d been overcome with the miracle of it, at these two little people who were now suddenly in
the world, but in actual fact he felt nothing. In fact the whole business repelled him.’

‘Did he say that?’ Steel’s arms had tightened round her as she’d been talking.

‘Yes, one night when we were having a fight about how little he was at home. He—he called them parasites.’

‘Hell.’ Steel jerked against her.

‘It was a couple of months before he died, and from that night I knew our marriage was over. But there were the girls and he was their father … I didn’t know what to do.’

‘It’s OK.’ His arms tightened still more and she felt his lips against her forehead.

‘They are my beautiful, precious girls, Steel, and he spoke about them as though …’ She dragged in a breath. ‘I could have killed him that night. If I’d had a weapon in my hands I would have used it.’

He moved her slightly, cupping her face in his hand, his thumb stroking the pure line of her silky cheek. ‘Broken kneecap job at the very least, I’d say.’

She gave a damp smile. ‘I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear this now, not when you’re so pleased about Annie.’

He ignored this. ‘How come you’re not still hating the guy?’ he asked quietly. ‘Because you don’t hate him, do you?’

‘I did for a while, even after he’d died. And then one day I realised he was the one who had missed out. The girls had done or said something, I can’t even remember what now, and it dawned on me I meant the world to them. For every little bit of love I gave them I got it back tenfold, and Richard had never, would never, experience that. They didn’t miss him—in fact they barely noticed
he’d gone. And that was terribly sad. He was a stranger to them, a distant cold stranger who had as little impact on their lives as the man in the moon. It—it made me all the more determined to make sure no one would ever let them down again. They deserve the best.’

‘Hence the repelling of all boarders on the good ship, Toni George?’ The words could have been taken as light; the way he was looking at her was anything but.

‘I guess.’ She smiled wanly. ‘Yes.’

He stroked the tears from her face with large male hands. ‘You’re some woman.’ He pulled her into him again, his voice a rumble above her head as he said, ‘We came across each other too soon, didn’t we? You’d barely had time to come to terms with the fact you were free and then I was there.’

His insight surprised her. But it was true. And then she wondered if his words were a form of farewell. She couldn’t blame him if he was backing off so soon; he could have any woman he wanted. Why would he put his hand up for getting involved with someone who was little more than a nutcase?

‘You mentioned coffee?’ He placed his palms along either side of her face. ‘And if there’s any toast to go with that I wouldn’t say no. I’m absolutely starving.’

She had just prepared a pot of coffee and a plate of buttered toast when little footsteps alerted her to the fact the twins were up and about. Sure enough a few moments later two small figures clad in teddy-bear pyjamas appeared in the kitchen doorway and huge brown eyes stared questioningly.

‘Well, hello.’ Steel smiled at the two little girls who had hesitated on the threshold, clearly unsure of their welcome once they saw him. ‘I’ve just called to show your mummy a picture of my niece who was born this
morning. Would you like to see it too?’ he added as he fetched a camera from his coat pocket. ‘She’s only an hour or two old—how about that?’