The Brenda Diaries (15 page)

And he better put me in his will for letting him turn the crank on my grandma's Victrola.

Friday, September 23:

Turns out all that shredding Glenn had me do on Monday was to prepare for him to shut down his office. Since Sherri can’t get pregnant and I won’t give up any of my eggs because I can’t stand the thought of them being inside Sherri and coming into contact with Glenn’s jizz, they’re moving to Manhattan. They took me out to lunch, paid me for this week and for another two. I apologized for being greedy with my ovum, but Sherri said, “We always planned to move to New York.”

So, yeah, my eggs were just an afterthought.

Saturday, September 24:

Maya is moving out. Armie has left his wife and they’re going to live in a three bedroom condo in the Valley. Despite this, she seems overjoyed. Maya is full of plans of how she’s going to change her life, but we both know she’s not going to follow through with any of them. She’s going to spend her days lolling by the pool, talking on the phone and badgering Armie to marry her.

“Is this yours or mine?” She holds up a crumpled up blouse. “I guess it doesn’t matter!”

Not a careful packer, Maya shoves the last of her clothes and shoes into a box. I seal it up and push it toward the door.

 “That’s it!” Maya does a little dance. “I’m officially out of here!”

I’ve spent months wanting my space back, but now I realize that I’ll just be alone. “I guess I’ll miss you.”

Maya throws her arms around me, her promise ring getting caught in my hair. “I’m going to miss you, too! But it’s not like we won’t see each other. You’re my best friend. You know that, right?”

“I do.” I pat her back and for a moment I almost believe that everything will work out for the both of us.

Sunday, September 25:

I get to the Farmer’s Market Johnny Rockets a few minutes late because Maya kept me on the phone, bitching about Armie. It’s been less than 24 hours of less than domestic bliss for both of them.

“Sorry. The usual Maya drama,” I say to Jared as I slide into the booth, my skirt getting caught under my thighs so it bunches up. Jared gives me a mournful look, his eyes slightly red as if he’s been crying. “What’s wrong?”

Jared starts crying.

I break one of my relationship rules and get up to sit next to him. I hand him a wad of napkins and pat his shoulder, waiting for him to get a grip. He blows his nose and I realize what’s going on.

“We’re breaking up,” I say. He nods through a fresh stream of tears and snot. “I mean, you’re breaking up with me. At Johnny Rocket’s.”

“Please don’t hate me,” he cries.

“I don’t.” I stare down at my hands, looking up only when the waitress slides a chocolate banana milkshake in front of me.

“It’s your favorite,” he sniffles.

I smile at my lap. Like I said before, Jared is a kind person.

Monday, September 26:

I’m not at all flattered by the fact that Priss called Amy at TempOne to personally request me for the week, but a job is a job and I can’t face my empty apartment.

I follow behind her as she takes the long way to the desk I was assigned to the last time I was here. I dart around her and stop short.

“Oh. Wow.” The cubicle is filled with file boxes, they’re even stacked up on the chair. “Oh…wow.”

“This should keep you busy for the rest of the day. Since you didn’t get in until…” she checks her watch, flicking the cuff of her cardigan sweater back from her left wrist, “10:30, you can leave at….” She checks her watch again. She’s doing all she can to draw my attention to the engagement ring on her finger.

“6:30,” I say as I take hold of one of the boxes on the chair and set it off to the side so I can start working my way toward the desk and the scanner.

Priss gives me a sour look which I return with one of my own.

Tuesday, September 27:

For the first time in my life I don’t feel like working. I’m sitting in my temporary cubicle, surrounded by boxes and relative disorder and I don’t feel like doing one thing about it. This is an unfamiliar feeling, but it doesn’t feel wrong.

Wednesday, September 28:

It takes a few days to really sink in that I’ll never enjoy a chocolate banana milkshake again. I call Maya to tell her the news.

“I’m not surprised,” she says. “What you did was real crappy. Especially to someone as nice as Jared.”

“Coming from a person who is living with a man who is still married to maybe the nicest woman on the planet, I’m going to call bullshit.” But she’s right, I did do something really crappy to Jared and then made it worse by telling him what I did. “So it’s over and now I’m free to slut around as much as I want.”

“Armie has a friend. He’s sort of cute. Do you want me to introduce you?”

“No. Please don’t do that.” All of Armie’s friends have only one eyebrow and it’s a look I’m not into. “I’m going to lay low for a while.”

“Do you think Jared is going to take you back?” There’s an ugly edge to Maya’s voice. “If he does, he’s a fool.”

“Gee, thanks, Best Friend.” I start folding laundry, a chore I usually enjoy while watching whatever is on Bravo. “I’m going to focus on work and, I don’t know, finding a new wholesome hobby.”

“Good luck with that. Anyway, my offer still stands. Come out with me and Armie. You’ll have fun.”

“Fun is what got me here in the first place.” I dig through the basket for companion socks. It takes me a while to find a pair.

Thursday, September 29:

I’m walking a file to the other side of the 26
^th
floor, reading it even though I’m not supposed to, and from the corner of my eye I catch sight of Cal ducking behind a potted plant as I approach. Normally I’d find this funny, but my feelings are slightly hurt. I keep my head down and keep walking.

I have to wait in the hallway for the person who requested the file to get off the phone. The back of my neck is hot with embarrassment, but I force myself to wait instead of scampering back to the relative safety of my cubicle. I don’t need anyone to know my private business. Office gossip is what keeps most people alive in places like this.

“Can I help you?” Her name is Bernice and she’s rude to everyone so I don’t take it personally.

“I have the file you wanted.” I take a few steps into her tiny office and hold it out to her.

“Thanks. Your one of the temps, right?” She sets it aside. “Brenda.”

There’s no reason for her to know my name. I’ve been doing what’s been asked of me and when I’m done, I ask for more work. I’m not risking another warning going into my file at the agency. For a second I debate whether or not I should say that I’m me. Whatever. If I’m in trouble, I’d rather deal with it now.

“Yes.”

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you.” She gestures for me to take a seat. “We have an opening in another department. Would you be interested?”

I cross my legs, bumping my knee on her desk. “You mean, like, to work here?”

“You can start on Monday. I can talk to your agency and clear the paperwork with them. All I need from you is a résum
é
.”

I feel myself break out in a cold sweat. I can’t work here. This is not where I’m meant to end up, but I can’t tell her that. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure. Just let me know as soon as possible.” She hands me her card and goes back to her stack of files.

“I’ve thought about it and I’m going to have to pass, but thank you.” I reach out to shake her hand, feeling very grown up.

Friday, September 30:

I called Amy first thing this morning to let her know I wasn’t going into my assignment today and she should take me off the on-call list and note me as inactive in the database. The whole thing took a couple of minutes and neither of us bothered to talk over the clacking of keyboard keys. We said goodbye and I hung up, relieved it wasn’t Summer who I had to quit on. That would have been a much longer and more involved conversation.

That was hours ago. And, aside from going to Subway with Ivan and his wife, Yelena, I’ve been holed up in my apartment watching
Law & Order: SVU
reruns.

I turn on my printer and open this document that pretty much sums up who I am and how I ended up here, sitting alone in my apartment on a Friday night.

I watch as the sheets of paper stack up, one on top of another. I add my résum
é
to the queue.

I’m not sure what my next job will be. I’ve been a gift bag stuffer, muse for a frustrated architect, kiosk gypsy, tutor, receptionist, data entry monkey, bitchy assistant for an equally bitchy lawyer, apprentice handy-gal, freelance elevator operator and a few other things. Maybe if I squish all those things together, I can figure something out. I might even sign up with another temp agency.

After all, a girl’s gotta pay for her mascara.

Just the Tweets:

THE BRENDA DIARIES

(@BrendaDiaries)

March

March 10:

-
Working the #Starbucks guy so he'll give me a venti instead of a tall and going for free hazelnut syrup. Does this make me a slut or flirt? 

-Since I never took up smoking, I consider crossing against the light my act of rebelliousness. It's a cheap thrill and way more inexpensive.

March 11:

-Avoiding my landlord. He says he wants to check the smoke detectors in my apartment, but I know he just wants to go through my drawers.

-Turned down temp assignment to be the first of my loser friends to see Battle: Los Angeles. It's only costing me $96 in lost wages. Bargain!

-Friday night and I already blew my wad by catching a matinee of B:LA. Guess I'll sort my underwear drawer to prep for the poky landlord.

March 12:

-Spending my Saturday night at home watching movies with the Loser, but at least he paying for the pizza and the delivery guy is hot.

March 13:

-Surprise house guest is offering to treat me to brunch. Wants to go somewhere really hip and beyond cheap. What planet is she visiting from?

March 14:

-Taking a long lunch to go bra shopping. Even my boss agrees this is way overdue.

Part of me hopes that the Loser boyfriend and the Surprise House Guest hook up so I can dump both of them.

March 15:

-Goal for the day is not to send one text to see if I can do it. I might have to take up smoking to get through this.

-So far no text (or cigarettes). Plan to make up for my day of abstinence tomorrow by texting everyone who didn't notice I didn't text them.

-Can't deal with the traffic. Going to wait it out at this building that's full of books and people, but has no cafe....Oh, it's a library.

March 16:

-What the what?! Starbucks guy didn't bump me from a tall to a venti as usual. Have I lost my charms or maybe I've been too free with them?

March 17:

-Shard up for romance, I'm finally going to give in and read Twilight. Or maybe I'll order pizza tonight and seduce the delivery guy.

-My poky landlord is going to (finally) put a washer/dryer in my apartment. What I had to do to convince him is between the two of us.

-Annoying house guest wants to go out for some St. Patrick's Day drinking. She's forgotten I have work tomorrow and that I find her annoying

March 18:

-My Boss has offered to take me out to lunch. He'll so find out that also means driving me to the mall to make a couple of returns.

-Boss took me to Real Food Daily for a plate of vegan smugness. All that chewing left me too exhausted to do my mall returns.

-Not as excited about my Friday as I should be because I have to share it with the people in my life who are in my apartment right now.

March 19:

-Almost boyfriend thinks we should get a pet. As in to share. Together. I suggested a tarantula because he's afraid of spiders.

March 20:

-Interviewing tomorrow for an on-the-side job as a tutor. New hair color is sure to reinforce scholarly image so I can ask for 20% more.

March 21:

-Heading to Brentwood for tutor interview. Maybe they'll have a pool house that I can move into.

March 22:

-Should know soon if I landed tutor gig. No pool house or fee bump, but they pay for "costs." Wonder if costs include hookers and Starbucks.

-Annoying house guest is now annoying roommate until she finds a place of her own. I'm hitting craigslist rental ads hard during lunch today.

-Can't stand my neighbor's yappy little dog. That dog sucks big time.

March 23:

-Double booked jobs and don't want to turn either down. Wish there was a day laborer place for temps. Oh, yeah, it's called a temp agency.

-Having breakfast for dinner. Yes, that's right. I'm going to Denny's and ordering a Grand Slam and a 50/50 vanilla-chocolate shake.

March 24:

-Another romantic evening ruined, but at least I have toothpaste.

-Still trying to figure out the jimmie mystery, but I have strong suspicions as to who the condom culprit is.

March 25:

-At this point I should just get a damn job at #Starbucks. They can take what I drink out of my pay and save all of us the transaction fees.

-Score! Got the tutoring gig. Now I can start saving for my dream wedding to the Loser. Ha, yeah right. Going to buy myself a large pony.

-End of a hellish temp assignment, but they want me back on Monday. No way and not only because I'm double booked next week. Bugger off!

March 26:

March 27:

-Can a person fall in love with a washer and dryer? I want to marry my Kenmore and have its babies.

March 28:

-Juggling two temp assignments this week. 8-4 in a lawyer's office, 5-9 an event planner. Total doable and the coffee is free at both places.

-Had a prepackaged salad and unsweetened iced tea for lunch. It wasn't nearly as exciting as it sounds.

-Getting ready to race over to second temp job. My "career" is hell on my social life, but my social life is mostly hell these days anyway.

March 29:

-Clocked 12 hours yesterday. Doing the same today. If this doesn’t earn me a spot on the Temp Star board, I don’t know what will.

-Breaking News: Lawyers are straight up jerks. Especially a lawyer with the initials R. W. whose office is located on Wilshire and Fairfax.

-Why is it that rude people get so offended when people are rude to them? What? Can't deal with a world full of yous, jerk wad?

-Finally home after a too long day. Going to watch Law & Order: SVU episodes until I'm freaked out to leave my apartment.

March 30:

-I got back at Rude Lawyer. Put through a call from his wife while he was on the other line with his girlfriend. Oops.

-Annoying roommate is unhappy with my choice of fabric softener. Texted her back to tell her to keep her hands off my Snuggle.

March 31:

-I went out last night and all I got was a killer hangover to show for it.

-Sure, rude Lawyer, I'd be happy to file that for you. Bend over.

-Best part of working two jobs is racking up the extra $. Other than that, I can't recommend it. Don't even have time to spend my cash. Bleh