The Brightonomicon (Brentford Book 8) (56 page)

‘That is what we do,’ said the matron. ‘And secondly?’

‘Well, secondly,’ I said, ‘if I was hauled from the sea, unconscious and wearing nothing but my underwear, how did anyone know who I was and where I lived, so that I could be brought back here to Brentford?’

‘You have your uncle to thank for that,’ said the matron.

‘My uncle?’ I said. ‘What uncle?’

‘I didn’t catch his name,’ said the matron. ‘He was a very large, imposing gentleman, with a long leather coat and a shaven head. And, oh yes, I almost forgot – he said that I was to give you this.’

And the matron delved into her apron pocket and brought out a drawstring bag. She handed this to me and said, ‘Just you be careful in the future, James,’ and turned away and went about her business.

I weighed the drawstring bag upon my palm.

I gave the drawstring bag a little shake.

The drawstring bag’s contents gave a little rattle.

And I knew just what they were.

So I withdrew the drawstring and emptied the contents into my hand.

And there were twelve little badges.

And I went down to the pub.

THE END

A Gollancz eBook

Copyright © Robert Rankin 2005

All rights reserved.

The right of Robert Rankin to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

First published in Great Britain in 2005 by

Gollancz

The Orion Publishing Group Ltd

Orion House

5 Upper Saint Martin’s Lane

London, WC2H 9EA

An Hachette UK Company

This eBook first published in 2011 by Gollancz.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978 0 575 08819 1

All characters and events in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor to be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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*
Allegedly.

*
Divination by tea leaves, as if you didn’t already know.

*
And she did – look her up on the Internet.

†
And yes, she did, too. Look her up as well.

*
And it all is – you can check it out for yourself.

†
They
really
did.

*
As in The Jam classic, obviously.

*
We are golden, etc.

*
And a good ’n.

*
James Dean, it is to be noted, did not die aged 27 and had no connection with Robert Johnson whatsoever. Although he was recently canonised and is now the patron saint of pirates.

*
Bog troll is the generic term applied to cloakroom attendants at nightclubs. It is to be noted that they do not actually attend to cloakrooms. Rather, they set up their stalls in the gentlemen’s toilets, where they proffer their wares, soaps and towels and a squirt of aftershave ‘for the ladies’. And all for a small fee. And just as there were once ‘the Cries of Old London’, so is there a cry of the bog troll. And this cry is, ‘Freshen up?’

*
This really is true. Look it up if you don’t believe me. I got it from Mike Simpson and he knows these things.

*
It
was
Morocco bound. As in the theme song of Bob Hope and Bing Crosby’s now-legendary
Road to Morocco.
Never heard of it? Well, please yourselves, then.

*
Cocktails, probably.

†
An easy mistake to make.

*
For Scotsmen are known to enjoy a drink.

*
Where I had whacked him the previous day with the chewing-fat bowl.

*
The
Argus
being no longer delivered due to an unpaid newsagent’s bill, we now received our news courtesy of the
Leader,
which was a free newspaper.

*
Allegedly.

*
And he really did play there, believe it or not.

*
I’ve always puzzled over that one: a wine that is best served at room temperature. Surely a room is always at room temperature, no matter how hot or cold it might be. Or is it just me?

*
It does
not –
I’ve been there! Ed.

*
Which might have been a spaniel, but was probably a Peke.

*
Nor indeed that of Flann O’Brien.

*
This being the original Widow-Maker and not to be confused with the 1960s protometal ensemble fronted by Cardinal Cox, whose only single ‘Eat Everybody’ still ranks as a classic.

*
And it is. Check it out yourself.

†
Well, I
had
had a very rough night with no sleep. And sixty guineas! He
was
asking for it.

*
It looked just like that one in the movie
The Car.
And isn’t
that
a great movie?

*
A popular music-hall tune of the 1890s often performed by Little Tich, when not doing his famous Big-Boot Dance.

*
Don’t even think about saying it!

*
Which he
aid.
Although I have not mentioned it before. But I
am
mentioning it now.

*
I know. But if
He
says it – well, it must be okay, mustn’t it?

*
The one the Sussex constabulary use for making patrols around Whitehawk.

*
Built in 1840 by the renowned engineer and mystic Isambard Kingdom-Come and still reckoned to be one of the finest in England. Another triumph for Brighton.