Authors: Lisa O'Donnell
I haven't been in Gene and Izzy's room for weeks and it was disgusting. Sodden sheets crumpled on a mattress still stained from Gene's dead body. Izzy's makeup sprawled all over her dresser and lids everywhere. Her underwear left on the floor from where she just stepped out of them. Ashtrays full of fag ends. A half-drunk bottle of vodka. Laundry everywhere and of course the other smell. Their smell. A rancid smell of baked nicotine and stale perfume, cheap deodorant and dry alcohol. It made me nauseated. I tried to open a window, I needed air, but it was too late. I threw up everywhere. None of us wanted to stay in the room after that and so Susie grabs the red pleather skirt from a hanger in Izzy's wardrobe and takes it to my room to try on. It fits like a glove.
Next thing Nelly walks in and sees Susie in Izzy's clothes. I thought she was still at Lennie's, and looking at Susie, I see what she sees. I see Izzy. Nelly totally freaked out and Susie didn't know what hit her. It was Nelly. Kimbo had to drag her away by the hair, but then Nelly broke free and had another go. I can't remember what I was doing, I know I didn't help anyone. Susie's face was all scratched and she had Nelly's saliva all over her. Izzy's skirt was ripped to shreds.
And this is why I didn't want them coming around. I knew something like this would happen, it's been looming for weeks. Nelly's been really weird, like psycho weird, and Kimbo, she thinks we have rats in the house. She said it as soon as we left the house. She said she can smell rats like some dogs can smell cancer. She reckons one of them probably died in Izzy and Gene's bedroom somewhere. If only she knew what had died in Izzy and Gene's bedroom.
N
ot a ghost but a thief. How dare she steal my mother's clothes? How dare she wear my mother's clothes? She had no business. And Marnie standing there, like it was nothing. Scallywags. A box in the ears was exactly what the doctor ordered. How could Marnie take them to their room? How could she bring them to our house knowing what she knows? It's not to be borne. She put me in an impossible situation. Violence was entirely necessary.
G
ene was in and out of rehab for about two-thirds of his life. The last time was when Nana Lou came and locked him in his bedroom. He was such a scaredy-cat, calling for his mummy and shit. She never went near him except to feed him and maybe slap him.
Nana Lou taking care of us is the one thing in my childhood I remember best. I also remember her songs. She used to be a pub singer and sang on cruise ships after Gene fucked off. She had an amazing voice. She loved Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald. Patsy Cline and Dinah Washington, stuff I'd never heard of before. When Gene got better they sang songs together all the time. Old songs mostly. I remember them dancing in the kitchen. I didn't even know Gene could dance. He seemed like someone else with Nana Lou, someone not Gene, and Izzy hated it.
When Nana Lou was leaving Gene threw her a party. He got a karaoke machine and Nana got everyone dancing the Macarena, total strangers, but it was fun. I can still do the Macarena. Susie and Kimbo were there too, we sang Spice Girl songs and drank shandy. Nana Lou liked it when I sang. She said it made her proud. Nelly wouldn't sing at all and no one pushed her to, she ended up falling asleep under the kitchen table next to Izzy's feet.
Izzy hated the party and sulked all night. Mostly 'cause she can't sing a note. It didn't stop her making an arse of herself though, singing some crescendo-ridden love song. I remember eyes narrowing in agony, some laughter, and Nana Lou hiding smirks behind a smoldering cigarette. Izzy was so embarrassed and locked herself in the bathroom and our guests had to pee in the garden.
Izzy was so jealous of Nana and not just her singing but because she could make Gene do things Izzy couldn't. Izzy said Nana Lou loved Gene in a way no mother should love her son, she said if Nana Lou had loved him less Gene might have been a better man. Nana Lou heard her and said zero. She always knew how to deal with Izzy. She knew when to speak and when to say nothing at all. Nana treated Izzy like she was an insect bite, the kind you can't scratch without making it itch worse. I don't know what she made of Nelly, she liked to read to her and teach her how to be still. Nelly wiggles her leg a lot, especially when she sleeps. One time Nana Lou took us to Rothesay on the
Waverley
. It's a paddle steamer. We were on the Clyde, just sailing and she said, “Silence is power, girls.” It was an amazing thing to say and I can't remember why she said it, but I never forgot she did. “Look at the water,” she told us. “If it could talk you'd like it less.” I liked the things she said. I liked having my hair stroked, my skin admired, and my stories listened to, being seen and being loved. Even now, after all these years, Lou's words mean more to me than the words I'm thinking on now.
Lou stayed with us for six months, she was supposed to stay longer, but someone called William got sick. Gene was furious. He didn't like whoever William might have been. I remember they had a fight about him and Lou cried, but then they made friends. About a year later Izzy told us Lou had died. She had a heart attack. We never went to the funeral, Izzy wouldn't let us and neither did Gene, he was in prison at the time.
O
ur phone died. Just like that. We can't call the local constabulary and we can't call an ambulance. Have you ever heard of such a thing? A calamity and no mistake.
Where does all the money go, that's what I want to know? Mother and Father left us something surely. A pittance I have no doubt but enough for groceries I imagine, some electricity, a little gas, and most certainly a ruddy telephone bill. She needs to manage the cash better is what I'm thinking. She needs to count her pennies and not her pounds. She needs to get clever with our budget.
“Maybe we don't need a phone?” she said.
“Goddammit,” I cried. “Everyone needs a phone.”
Blasted girl.
T
hank God for Pay As You Go, although Nelly doesn't share my enthusiasm and acts like I shit money or something. She never asks how we're getting by and just assumes we have it. Thank God for the welfare state and parents with sense enough not to marry each other. Izzy always wanted to marry but Gene said no and so that means two checks from the Social but for how long?
They talked about it a lot, being married I mean, and Nelly would get very excited, not quite getting that they were totally pissed and kidding her on. Izzy would draw wedding dresses and Nelly would find plastic rings for Gene to give to Izzy. They even went as far as to take the net curtains from the windows and stole flowers from Lennie's garden for a bouquet, but it was Gene they made up to be the bride. It was so stupid, Izzy and Gene wandering around half cut wearing curtains, Gene with his makeshift veil kept in place with a tin colander, which I suppose was his tiara, and Nelly trailing behind them in a mermaid costume. It was a stupid game. Scared me in my stomach having to pretend like that, but I still did it, just to throw the rice at them. They thought I was playing along, but I wasn't. I would have drowned them in rice if I'd got the chance and stuffed their every orifice with the stuff.
Nelly's acting like nothing happened with her and Susie and Susie's still in a radge about it, even though Nelly apologized because I fucking made her. Kimbo asked me if Nelly was a schizophrenic, I said she isn't, because she's not. She doesn't hear voices or anything, she's just not like other people and can't fake it, which is more than can be said about me. I've been faking it my whole life.
A
lone soldier is our Marnie. It's all push and pull with this girl. She wants you, she likes you, she's afraid to be around you.
A boy keeps calling and won't leave his name. He obviously likes her and I can see why he would. Marnie's a very pretty young lady, but not in the same way as her sister. Marnie has a rounder face. They're chalk and cheese to tell the truth. Marnie wears makeup, pinks and reds. Nelly won't even wear lip balm, which is strange because I thought women loved to experiment with the lipsticks and the eyeliners. My sisters used to love a bit of rouge. We all did, but it was just a game. I would wear my mother's housecoat and her curlers and we'd all laugh and tease her, I'd wave my finger in the air and nag as she did, but how my mother raged about it. She always knew about me. How could she not? I wasn't exactly flamboyant in my way but it was clear I had no interest in women and from a very early age. I know my sisters knew about me. I was always the one they confided in and we were very close for a while, until I wasn't a secret anymore. It wasn't fair of them at all. I stuck by them, didn't I? Jeanette and her abortion, Roberta and her affair with the married carpenter. It was always me they turned to with their troubles but when I was the one who needed a friend they simply turned their backs. I never forgave them for that and made a point of keeping them as far from me as possible. It was a lonely time, I missed them all. I still do, but then I met you, didn't I? My brother. My lover. My salvation. I'd hate to have walked this road without you.
I am glad the girls have one another, it's a lonely journey otherwise and so I leave them with their secrets and the things they share. It bonds them and keeps them strong. It is important to stay strong, it ties you to life and forces you to walk on, even if it's only with a dog.
H
appy Valentine's Day, got one from Kirkland Milligan, who I thought might have been the one who shagged me when I was drunk and lost my tights at Lorna's shindig. he was totally offended when I asked him and told me I'd snagged my nylons on a chair and pulled them off by myself. He said I threw them at someone. To be honest I sort of blanked out after the karaoke. I remember Susie singing. Susie takes her karaoke very seriously, like she's expecting Simon Cowell to drop by. She's a little depressed right now. Susie gets like that sometimes, but she's darker these days and doesn't want to go out like she used to. Kimbo says it's 'cause she's an artist now and wants to hone her creative energy for the stage. Susie told Kimbo to go fuck herself. See what I meanâdark. Anyway Kimbo, me, and Lorna sang really badly, but we were just having a laugh. I got steaming at that party and made a right arse of myself. I started singing without the karaoke machine. Some of Lorna's bitchy pals from Kelvinbridge started sniggering at me, but then Susie joined in, making my song sound better and then Kimbo joined in, making it sound loud and then Lorna joined in and suddenly we weren't singing at all, just screaming, like our mums do when they're pished, I don't think the other party guests appreciated it too much, but we were laughing so much at it we didn't care. Kirkland sang some soppy song and kept pointing at me when it got to anything to do with love or hurt or being fucked-up in general, which made Susie and Kimbo piss themselves. He didn't care he was making a tit out of himself, I mean everyone knows I'm not interested. Susie thinks I'm being a bitch. She said people should be grateful when someone wants to love them and it's fucked up when they're not.
Kirkland's okay I suppose, but he wears a lot of black and never washes his hair, he says it cleans itself after a while. He has this raw sensitive thing going on and is always selling you the notion he's someone you can trust, but the truth is he's just trying to get into your knickers like every other guy. He keeps making me CDs of bands he thinks I've never heard of. He has a New Order thing going at the moment and he's always telling me what the songs are and what they mean. What he doesn't know is Izzy pure loved New Order, when they were New Order of course 'cause they used to be Joy Division according to Izzy.
I want to say all these things to him and put him in his place but then he'd think we had something in common and I don't want to have anything in common with Kirkland and so I assume inferiority in the hope he'll leave me alone. I nod a lot at Kirkland and hope he'll go get me a drink 'cause I can't be bothered going over to the bar. He never does though. He thinks he's that interesting.
The other thing I hate about Kirkland is his belief he's a humanitarian, he's always talking about Afghanistan and Iraq, as if knowledge makes him brave, as if caring and talking about these places is equal to actually being there and fighting the rebels he hates so much, he'd totally shite it if he had to go to war.
He's a pain in the arse to be honest and assumes you can't know whatever it is he knows. He's the type of person who loves the idea of being an outsider because he thinks by not belonging it makes him superior in some way. What he doesn't get is that the real outsiders would do anything to be on the inside. A real outsider can't be seen at all. They're people who look like they belong when inside they know they don't. They're people who would do anything to appear normal, while harboring the secret knowledge that they're anything but normal.
It probably sounds like I hate him. I suppose I do, the array of choices available to him bugs me. The only reason I know him at all is because he used to go to school with Lorna, but then they kicked her out and now she goes to our school, but he's still hanging around her and so are we these days. Kimbo and Lorna are pretty tight. Both of them want to be artists and they spend hours in her studio and I don't blame them. Lorna's house is amazing. I've never seen a place like it. A town house on Great Western Road with three floors, a private road with parking. Lorna has the attic. It's like a studio with its own entrance. Her parents let her do what she wants, and not because they're dead but because they work. Her dad's a barrister and her mum, not her real one, is a legal secretary. Lorna hates her. I'm stuck with Susie at the moment and her inane interest in Gene and Izzy. I've told her they're on holiday, but she wants to know when they're coming back. She says she's worried about me being alone. I told her I wasn't alone. I have Nelly. Her and Mick are both making me mental right now, totally fascinated by the disappearance of two complete nonentities. Why do they even care? It's not like they don't have enough to do. Susie's Nancy in the school play and Mick has a shitload of drugs to sell. He seems really pissed off at me right now, like it's my fault and I suppose it is in a way, but not like he thinks.