The Determining (25 page)

Thayer didn’t respond right away. In the moments of silence that passed, Charlie started to doze. The crumbling door appeared. Her body moved toward it without her permission.

“You’re still having nightmares.”

Charlie started, her eyes flying open. Grateful that his voice had pulled her out of the dream, she struggled to keep from sighing in relief. “That’s not a question.”

“An observation.” He leaned back, looking at her. His eyes roamed over her, as if searching for further insight.

“How astute of you.” Her hands shook as she reached for her empty mug.

Thayer watched her spin it on the counter. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She scoffed. “For days, I’ve relived the same nightmare every time I close my eyes. What makes you think I want to do it while my eyes are open?”

Thayer’s eyes caught hers, holding them in a relentless stare. “Do you remember what I said to you the night we danced at your party?”

Charlie blushed at the memory of their bodies pressed together. “You said a lot of things that night.” One phrase in particular stood out.
You never know who might be waiting to take advantage of someone so tempting.
The words ricocheted through her mind. She still hadn’t figured out whether he’d been referring to Nemo or not.

“I said that you wouldn’t find help unless you asked for it.” His voice was quiet. “Do you remember?”

It took her a moment, but she remembered the dance. While her mind had been occupied with the party, her mother, and Nemo, she’d allowed herself to slip. After working so hard to maintain a strong exterior, she’d let her guard down. “What does that have to do with anything?” she bristled.

His eyes shone in the dim light. “Ask me.”

Chills danced across her skin. She wanted to look away but their eyes remained locked together, his searching for an opening and hers trying to throw up walls.

“Ask me,” he repeated.

“They’re dreams.” Her voice caught in her throat.

“Ask me.” She felt like his eyes saw right through her, exposing the vulnerability she didn’t want to admit lay dangerously close to the surface.

“You can’t do anything about a dream,” she insisted.

He leaned toward her, reaching out to take her hand in his. “Charlotte … ”

Pulling back, she shook her head. “No.”

Her rejection didn’t appear to offend him. “What will it take for you to let me in?”

“We’ve barely known each other a week. You can’t expect me to tear down walls I’ve spent years building.”

Thayer sat there mulling over her words. The silence stretched on so long that Charlie thought he’d given up. Standing, she headed to the sink with her mug.

She wanted to let him in. She realized it the moment the words left her mouth. The idea of opening up petrified her. Richard and Margaret had rejected her over and over when she was a child, then kept her segregated from her “common” peers. After years learning to be alone, she’d tried to open up with Drew only to lose him. Closing people off all the time was exhausting but necessary if she were to keep herself sane.

“Ask me.” His whisper carried across the kitchen, tickling her ears.

Still facing the sink, she sucked in a breath. Sleepless nights combined with the stress she’d been under since the Determining were too much. Hot tears filled her aching eyes. In his persistence, Thayer had torn a hole in her emotional barriers. For the first time in years, Charlie glimpsed the vulnerable little girl she’d locked away inside herself— who now refused to be ignored.

Charlie gripped the edge of the sink, her knuckles turning white. “Stop.” She wasn’t sure if she was talking to Thayer or herself.
In the end you’ll be alone again. He’s no different from anyone else.
A lump rose in her throat, bringing with it the overwhelming sense of helplessness. She couldn’t afford to open herself up only to be stabbed in the back and left alone.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here.”

It was like he knew the exactly what she needed to hear. With those words, she lost any fight left.

“Please.” Her voice rushed out, sounding more like a sigh than anything else. She didn’t know if he understood her. She couldn’t speak any louder, couldn’t repeat the plea.

She didn’t hear his approach over her hammering heart. Without warning, she sensed him behind her. He turned her around, pulling her into his chest. She let him wrap his arms around her, surrounding her with all the security he could offer. Under her ear, she heard his heart beating. Closing her eyes, she focused on its steady rhythm.

An array of emotions crashed over her. The vulnerability she’d allowed left her naked and exposed, but somehow it seemed the safety she felt in Thayer’s arms was enough to cover her. Peace like nothing she’d ever experienced overwhelmed her. Despite her mind shouting warnings, her exhausted body relaxed into Thayer.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered. “You’re safe.”

“I’m so tired.” The tears she’d tried so hard to fight ran down her cheeks, leaving her eyes raw.

His hold on her tightened. “Come on.” He led her out of the kitchen toward the spacious living room couch.

He pulled her down with him. She leaned into him and watched her tears slide down his chest, leaving wet trails in their wake. Any other time, being pressed against Thayer’s bare chest would have sent her heart racing and made her flush with embarrassment. But fatigue kept the reactions at bay.

He rubbed her back, whispering soothingly into her ear. The longer she nestled in his embrace, the looser her muscles felt. They uncoiled beneath her skin, allowing her to melt into Thayer’s arms. Her eyes drifted shut and her breathing evened.

Flames crawled along the walls. Movement caught her eye. Sinister red eyes watched her.

She jerked awake with a gasp.

Thayer’s hold tightened. “I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t. The dream, it’s there every time I sleep.” Her hoarse whisper grated in her ears and reminded her how childish she must seem.

“Then we’ll stay awake together.” He sat up a little. “Talk to me,” he instructed gently.

“What do you want me to say?” Charlie asked, eager for anything that would keep the dreams away.

“Tell me about your childhood,” he requested.

“I don’t have many happy memories.”

“It doesn’t have to be happy. Pick anything.” His voice rumbled, vibrating in the ear she had pressed against his chest.

Charlie thought for a moment. “My parents weren’t a big part of my life growing up. Richard spent most of his time working or at Council meetings. Margaret focused all her energy on being the perfect Councilman’s wife. Nannies raised me until I could be trusted not to break any of my mother’s antiques.” Charlie took a deep breath in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.

“I remember my first nanny, Hannah.” Charlie smiled to herself. “She was the youngest of all the nannies I had. Every morning she would wake me up with a kiss. She always said the same thing. ‘Good morning, my beautiful one.’ I loved it when she called me that, beautiful one.”

Thayer’s hand began to rub her back in circles. She took a moment to relish the sensation before continuing.

“When she woke me on the weekends, she would do it the same way but always asked, ‘What should we do today?’ Most days I asked to play at the park with the other children, but sometimes we would spend the day alone together. We’d walk through the park, eating popcorn and hotdogs. I miss those days.

“We spent three years like that. I think those were the happiest years I had as a child.” Charlie trailed off.

“What happened?” Thayer prompted.

Sadness rushed in as Charlie remembered the look on Hannah’s face the last time she’d seen her. Pain filled her voice. “One night, Hannah came to tuck me in. She kissed me softly, sang me a lullaby. ‘Sweet dreams, my beautiful one.’ I could tell something wasn’t right when she spoke.” Thayer’s hand stopped its soothing caresses and he just listened.

“I didn’t find out what until years later.” She sniffed, remembering the night her mother, in a rare drunken moment, had revealed Hannah’s fate. “My father had grown fond of Hannah. That night, he waited for her outside my room. When she closed my door, he grabbed her and—” Charlie shivered. Ever since Richard had attacked her, she found it easier to imagine what Hannah went through that night.

“The next morning, a new nanny woke me. She didn’t call me her beautiful one, or kiss me, or love me at all. I cried for months. Richard did the same thing to that nanny. A few nannies later, Margaret grew tired of losing the help to my father. After that, the nannies were always much older than my parents.” She fell silent.

Thayer’s breath rustled the hair on the crown of her head when he spoke. “I’m so sorry, Charlotte.”

Inhaling, she pushed back the overwhelming sorrow.

“Tell me another story,” Thayer requested.

“You know, you’re taking advantage of my sleep deprived state,” she joked.

“We wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.” He chuckled.

She didn’t want to talk about herself anymore. But to remain silent meant letting the dreams haunt her. The ghosts from the past seemed a safer bet than the nightmare.

“Your turn,” Charlie said after a few minutes of silence. “Tell me about your life.”

“Why don’t you try to sleep? I’ll stay with you.”

She shook her head as much as she could while pressed against him. “No. It’s your turn.”

He let out a resigned sigh before speaking. “I’m sure you know that most Councilmembers send their children to private schools. Most often, they pick one in their province capitol, but my parents chose one in New York, a co-ed school in the middle of the city. I was a freshman.

“I hated being away from home. Cities don’t have trees or the endless blue sky I’d grown up with. Something about the buildings looming down all around me made me sick every time I stepped outside.

“My roommate’s name was Walter. I told him about home and everything I missed. After classes one day, he told me we were going out. He wouldn’t say where, just that I had to trust him.

“We snuck off campus and trudged through the city. It seemed like hours before we stopped. I was tired and angry with him for dragging me all over when I still had work to do. Before I could yell at him, I saw them. Behind him. Trees.” Charlie could hear the smile in his voice. “He’d brought me to a park so that I could see the trees that I missed.

“He led me down to this lake. The leaves were already starting to turn orange and red. Their colors reflected in the water, making it look like a lake of fire.

“Walter and I became best friends that day. He introduced me to his sister, Cornelia. She met us at the park and spent the afternoon with us. We walked for what seemed like hours, but unlike walking through the city, walking in the park felt peaceful.” Thayer fell silent, lost in his memories.

“I didn’t think Cornelia had any siblings,” Charlie eventually murmured.

“Walter died before finishing school.” Heavy emotion layered his voice. “A rare form of cancer that the chip couldn’t detect. By the time the doctors found it, it was too late.”

“I’m sorry.”

His sigh was sad. “I’m just grateful for that day in the park. Without it, I wouldn’t have become friends with Cornelia. She would have been all alone when Walter died.”

An irrational sense of jealousy filled Charlie. Resentment seethed inside her. “Are you in love with Cornelia?”

Thayer froze. “Why would you ask that?”

“The way you talk about her. And you both seem so close.” Charlie shrugged, trying to keep accusation out of her voice.

“I love Cornelia like a sister, nothing more.”

She absentmindedly reached for her wedding ring, twirling it around her finger. “Have you ever been in love?”

He paused. “Yes.”

Charlie’s heart sped up. “Did you have your Compatibility tested?”

“Yes.”

She sucked in a breath. “That’s why you entered your name in the Lottery. Not because you didn’t want to go through the hassle of finding someone else, because you didn’t want to love someone and have it turn out badly.”

Regret tinged his voice. “Like I told you before, we don’t get to fall in love.”

“I hate the chip.” Charlie let bitterness saturate her voice.

“Me, too.” Thayer pulled her closer, resting his cheek on top of her head.

Neither of them said anything more. Charlie laid quietly, listening to the sound of air rushing in and out of Thayer’s lungs. His chest rose and fell beneath her with each breath. The rhythm lulled her to sleep.

For the first time in five days, the nightmare didn’t wake Charlie. Sunlight streaming through the window fell across her face, rousing her from a deep, dreamless sleep. She yawned, trying to roll away from the light. Something stopped her. Peeling her eyelids open, she took in her surroundings with confusion.
What am I doing in the living room?
She noticed the arm slung across her waist and tensed.

The arm belonged to Thayer. As she stirred, he pulled her close against him, holding her in place at his side. Through her thin t-shirt, she could feel his warm chest rising and falling. Sometime in the night they must have shifted so that Charlie’s back fit against Thayer’s front like a puzzle piece.

It hadn’t been a dream. She’d lost control. She broke down in front of Thayer, let him comfort her, and shared some of her darkest memories. Her stomach churned, nauseous from the humiliation. If she could have yelled at herself without waking him, she would have. As it was, she didn’t want him to find her still in his arms when he woke up.

Assessing the situation, she decided if she moved slowly enough, she could slip out from under his arm without rousing him. Charlie lifted Thayer’s arm. She paused when he stirred, but he didn’t wake. When she had enough space between her body and his arm, she slid away from him, landing on her hands and knees.

Charlie had focused too much on Thayer and forgot to take the coffee table into account. Her hip jostled it, unsettling an empty glass. It toppled over loudly. Her eyes snapped to Thayer, hoping the sound hadn’t roused him. His eyes remained shut, but a huge grin spread across his face. Silent laughter shook his shoulders.